Dragon Age: Origins

Dragon Age: Origins

Drag Age: Boring (DA:B) is a beat-to-shit ugly 3rd-person RPG from Boringware, similar to Baldur's Gate and KOTOR but less fun, with real-time and somewhat decent combat system and boring story. It's like playing WoW, except that your fights are fucked up by stupid AI instead of stupid teammates. The game's best aspects are outside of combat. The recruitable NPC's have well developed personalities, with some lulzy banter between them during long walks, getting your girl/boy/etc.-friend to bust you out of the worst prison ever (you can sneak out by killing two guards, a dog, and stealing armor), and one of the endings involves awkwardly-animated, PG-13 Goth-sex to create an Old God or something.

BTW SPOILERS AHEAD

Backstory

Something about some Pagans breaking into the Maker's time-share and trying to kick his ass and take his loots. Unfortunately, this backfired and the Maker B& them from vahalla.net after they touched his crib and spread their leprosy everywhere, turning his Golden City into the Black City. Along with polluting their Lord's divine condo, they were also infected and became twisted creatures that do nothing but rape, pillage, and kill everything they don't understand. And thus, the Darkspawn were born. Why are Darkspawn so insane, you might ask? Picture if all of /b/ turned into IRL trolls, then double their IQ. Their leader is a dragon (for some reason, like oh, the title) called the "Archdemon", and they don't like sharing the Earth and playing nice with average Joe/Jane Nobody. Some thousands of years later, after many edit wars and culling of inferior races, they have come back, yet again, to wreck humanity's shit.

Where You Come In

Depending on what sex, race, and class you pick, your story will begin differently (and it's damn pointless to tell you what will take maybe half an hour to knock out, so DO IT FAGGOT) but end up in mostly the same ways. Along the beginning, you can choose many paths, be it White Knight, lulz-killer, overcompensating dick, or any other bullshit your character can talk its way into/out of. By the way, that's what you'll being doing about 2/3rds of the game - talking. A lot. A WHOOOOOOLE LOT. Talking to demons, your teammates, random people in the street, even a rock or two at some points. If there's any added benefit to it, you get some of the best means of spreading the soon-to-be mentioned Grey Warden's curse to some of these mundanes when it gets too agonizing to feign interest anymore.

So after you start your Origins (lol), you eventually get carried away from your home/warzone/jail sentence...fuck it, you eventually end up in Ostagar with Duncan, a Grey Warden Commander of Ferelden who agreed to help the local fanboy, King Calien, kill a few Darkspawn hordes and hope another Blight isn't coming. After this, you get to explore the town, meet an old woman named Wynne who bitches too much even before you can use her in the game, a scheming Jew named Loghain, and have a tutorial where you meet your first fuck-doll (if you're a girl; just a BFF as a dude), Alistair. This upcoming tutorial mission will be spent one of three ways:

• Rogue - Bust locks, steal from people, do no actual damage but claim mad props--None of the chests in the game contains anything valuable and if you pickpocket someone, the guards will ALWAYS fucking know, even if nobody saw you doing it and eventually try to arrest you, making this the most useless class in any game ever!

• Warrior - Meat shield

• Mage - No one loves you, you should just kill yourself already fgt--Propably the best class in any game ever, since you can cast AoE spells thru the walls and doors, killing fucking everything in the room, without having to expose yourself in the actual combat

The mission ends when you meet/flirt with Morrigan while your bros cry like virgins meeting their first girl, and from there you go to the Joining. In this Joining, you intentionally drink AIDS-infested blood mixed in with LSD and fuck knows what else. Survive the trip, become a Warden. BTW, those other guys you and Alistair are hanging out with? Dead by midnight (srsly). Duncan, Calian, nearly everyone else besides Alistair? Dead tomorrow. The rest of the game? Getting revenge on your sugar-daddy's death as well as on Loghain, the weak, back-stabbing cunt who didn't trust the Orlisians.

Fuckbuddies

You can 'romance' characters, 2 of the opposite sex and 1 of the same,

Original rule 34 box art.

climaxing in a softcore cutscene of Secks. This can take a long or short time to achieve, depending on how much of a slut/horndog the chosen NPC is. Without any mod, 'naked' characters have embarrassing white underwear on, but the cutscenes are generated from the in-game body models. So under Rule 34, guess how long it took for a nude mod to be available, in nanoseconds. Anyway, here are the choices:

Morrigan

Morrigan

Highly fapworthy darkside witch. When people are in trouble, you score points with her by standing back and watching them suffer, for the lulz. If your character is male, whether you jumped on her bones ASAP or not, she will come to you near the end of the game wanting to ride you. If you're playing a female, she wants to do one of the guys in the party instead. Summary: Ho Ho Ho.

"Oh, mon dieu! Ooh la la! I weel play yoo ze song erf mah peeple!"

Leliana

Frenchie bard who has found Dragon Age Jesus. Sweet and pious but if you put the effort in, she bangs like a bunny with any race or sex - Don't worry, though, there are no playable furries in this game (unless you count Morrigan turning into bears and spiders, but she won't yiff you like that). Anyway, you can watch this goody-goody convent girl squirm around with a bald female dwarf or a black person, if that's what turns you on. To pry apart Leliana's knees you have to help every Hardluck Harry and Sally Sobstory you meet, while Morrigan vomits. Summary: Bisexually randy Christian, who would have thought?

He whines A LOT.

Alistair

Tank, very popular with female players on the boards, but doesn't know a good thing when it flashes its twat in his face. Another goody two-shoes repressed by religion. Plays shy and hard to get for female PCs, but unless she is a stuck-up human noble, he ends up ploughing her furrow then avoiding long-term commitment, like any normal guy. Irritating sub-Joss Whedon dialogue, complete with crappy jokes that'll make you want to smash him in the fucking face with a hammer. Summary: Well-acted simulation of a sexually repressed emo. He is totally not Carth from KOTOR.

Zevran

Best version

Assassin, and a great guy to have around. Disregard that, he sucks cocks. Srsly. Fag elf who doesn't mind squirting into a chick now and then instead of a guy's caboose. Whatever the PC's gender it's easy to boink him, much harder to get him to say he lurvs you. But why bother? He has an air of mild amusement whether you rescue kittens or set fire to orphanages. You can execute him as soon as you meet him in true Fundie style, but you'll miss out on some lulz, e.g. If you put him in the same party with the granny healer, he'll come on to her. Summary: Legolas with attitude and a Eurotrash accent.

Etc.

There are other NPC's you can recruit but can't shag. In order of descending desirability they are: the big foreigner, the pwned and converted villain, the trannie golem, the dwarf, the dog, and the granny. The granny has the same body model as the other women, but nag nag nag, get back to the mage tower. She keeps her legs crossed anyway.

Try getting Leliana to the "loves you but not ready to screw yet" stage, and then fuck Morrigan. Lulz ensue when you are forced to drop one of them. Guess which one is the most butthurt. Also, in the jailbreak sequence, send the two of them to pose as nuns and kak yourself at how full of FAIL Morrigan is.

It's also important to say that there's a whorehouse stage in the game called "The Pearl" in which you can have sex for a small fee. Fuck buddies along with a gay dwarf and a shemale elf will line up in hope you'll fuck them.

Sandal

Sandal

The only good reason to play this game is, by far, Sandal: The token dwarven retard who was too radiated from lyrium to say anything other than a few lines, and "ENCHANTMENT!"

While you will find other retards in this game (other dwarves, no doubt), Sandal is the only one that doesn't piss the fuck out of you so much you'd want to stab him with a sword like the other mentally challenged NPC's you meet (just like in real life, Amirite?). No, srsly, kill the other retards you meet. PLZ.

Besides giving rise to one of the only decent memes, Sandal is apparently also the strongest character in the game. Watch in lulz as you enter the first floor of the last level to see a room full of dead darkspawn with a lone Sandal standing there with his usual blank expression. Want an explanation for how this retard is apparently the new Chuck Norris? Your answer: ENCHANTMENT!

Combat

Unfortunately, you have to actually run around and fight things while waiting for another opportunity to convince your target to put out. Every character but one must fight using AI rules that you can set up. You can pause and take over any character manually, but only one at a time. So MMORPG players, you know those retarded DPS players that pull aggro, healers that wait until you're dead to cast a heal spell, tanks that are asleep on the job when mobs attack, etc? Well, in Dragon Age, you can have AI characters doing all the same shit.

Are the character classes balanced? Excuse me while I laugh for an hour or so. The Arcane Warrior mage variant can pwn anything in the game without NPC help and without player skill. Rogues can 'sneak' in front of a high level demon's face and moon him, without being seen. Anything else takes mad skillz.

Structure & Plot

Map areas are gradually unlocked - this is no Oblivion or Fallout 3 for openness. There are side quests, all trivially simple. The main plot is mostly linear except for the old travel-the-world-recruiting-allies shtick, which you can do in any order. See Might & Magic 8, Oblivion, etc, etc. At least there are 6 different beginnings to the story, depending on race or class.

Side quests involve a variety of rewards (e.g. rape)

Your choices can change the plot in the sense of what characters do and say, and who dies at the end, but you can't change what you have to DO in the final third of the main quest sequence. It's always the same except for who's in your party and what happens in cutscenes. Among other things, you can:

• Make Alistair BAWWWW and leave the party;
• Tell anybody EXCEPT Alistair to GTFO (although Morrigan will still reappear demanding to fuck somebody);
• Be an hero;
• Make somebody else be an hero, see Fallout 3;
• If you're a human noble female you can make Alistair king, marry him and be his queen - some fags have patched the game so you can be 'queen' as a MALE;
• Marry the previous queen, newly widowed, but there's no Secks scene so welcome to married life.

Fandom and Trolling It

Most of the fandom is concentrated on social.bioware.com. Here are some trolling suggestions:

• Find the Alistair fanclub and repeat anything from the above paragraph about him.
• There are some honest-to-god faggots who claim that Alistair sets off their gaydar more than Zevran does. Play them off against the girlgamers who jill to him.
• Start a furry flame against anyone who says he sided with the werewolves against the elves. Since these are usually the badass "evil" players, they will freak.
• Start a faggot flame against anyone who says he sided with the elves against the werewolves.
• Vote for Alistair or Morrigan in 'most useless character' threads.
• Saying Baldur's Gate or KOTOR is better than DA:O won't work. Choose a shit JRPG instead.
• Or, if you really want to piss them off, mention...

Return to Os-DURR-gar

Among the biggest pieces of drama in this game so far is among one of its biggest DLCs that could be considered simply as, "WHY wasn't this in the game in the first place?!" aka Return to Ostagar. Announced as far back as mid-November and STILL missing after two "quality delays" NOT ANYMORE SEE UPDATE, many of the fandom have begun to wonder if it will ever come out or if the expansion of the series, Awakening, will beat it come March. The part that really gets in the craw of most of these asspies is the fact that the DLC technically was released on January 5th, and some people do have it and have basically told what you get and what happens. In fact, thanks to An Actual Mexican on EDF let's just get that out of the way now...

	“	YOU FIND CAILAN CRUCIFIED BY THE DARKSPAWN AND HAVE THE OPTIONS OF EITHER LEAVING HIM THERE, TAKING HIM DOWN BUT LEAVE HIS BODY FOR THE WOLVES OR THROW HIM A FUNERAL. YOU FIND HIS ARMOR AND HIS FATHERS SWORD, BEST EQUIPMENT IN THE GAME BY FAR BRING ALISTAIR AND WYNNE AND YOULL SEE THEM HITTING ON EACH OTHER BRING LOGHAIN AND WYNNE AND YOULL GET BITCHFITS	„
	—Moar like An Actual Dickbag, amirite?

You've just been saved $5. Sound familiar to anyone?

UPDATE OMG?!

Quite literally mid-EDit, it was announced that the 360 is going to get it as soon as yesterday, the PC has a hacked copy of it, and the PS3 players are still crying even though they FINALLY got it a week before Awakening's release.

Expansions

Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening

A huge waste of money which contains almost 2 hours of gameplay for around the original price of the main game. Part of the reason it's so short is the fact they level you up to level 18 by default, which considering some of the other things in this "game," isn't such a bad thing. If you purchase this you deserve to be shot several times in the face and are probably a necrophile and/or a citizen of Amaranthine. More on all of that later...

PLOT:
Assuming you didn't make a new character, which is a good idea because most armour you get from the old game suddenly fucking disappears on importing the faggot of a character (and considering you get some of the best armor creating a new character, there's no reason NOT to), you begin as your imported character from the last game, having finished being a giant fucktard in Denerim and its surrounding areas. As a reward for saving the country from Darkspawn and a giant AIDS-Dragon-God thing, you've been given the Arling of Amaranthine to command over, which once belonged to the scheming English asshole Howe before you shanked the bitch for causing epic ruin. Of course, no one mentioned it was all a derelict shithole, and that Vigil's Keep was basically a slumlord's worst nightmare. WELL GUESS WHO'S THE NEW SUPER? And so, ever so pissed, you begin at the castle, clearing out the cockroaches, riff-raff, and oh yeah, Darkspawn, you have come to realize that, holy shit, THEY CAN FUCKING TALK NOW. Anyway, some shit happens, HOLY SHIT ORGHEN AND ALISTAIR ARE THERE, and then the only woman you'll know for the first half of the game, besides maybe yourself, dies from the Joining. You then begin to help people who are utterly useless and are unable to complete even the simplest of tasks without help ("Hurr, we're fully-armed soldiers who can't clear out a Basement full of Darkspawn, durr!"). Really, that's the premise of the entire expansion - helping people in the Keep and Amaranthine who are fucktarded until you reach the end, at which point you fight a giant, tentacle-wielding skank with 8 tits. As you're about to deal the final blow, the game turns into a movie and doesn't even give you the courtesy to give you a quick-time event or something to make the game worth it's near-full price.

<video type="youtube" id="1V1Xvzt300A" width="250" height="250" desc="Justice and Anders, catty lovers" frame="true" position="left"/> CHARACTERS:
You don't get to fuck any of them. At all. Nope. Why are you still even reading this? Fine, you want to know about the midget from the last game showing up again? Oh, the gay British mage who likes Kittens? No? How about the bastard son of the guy who's land you've currently occupied in the name of freedom? Sorry to say they are ALL you'll know for most of the game - while capable, if not over-powered, characters, you spend the next 20-30 hours in a Mantrain. Then later on, after doing some exploring around the whole 5 places you get to go in the game, you'll find another midget (this time with tits), an elven version of Morrigan minus the being a whore, and an asexual spirit that takes over another Grey Warden's body. That's right, instead of a giant or a golem, and to make up for the lack of faux-sex in the game, they give you a zombie, of which you'll probably only get to use twice unless you take him with you to kill the previously-mentioned 8-titted hambeast.

SKILLS/CLASSES:
Mostly just hacked improvements and lulz incarnate for some classes (Rogues get especially rape-worthy abilities such as "Ghost", a Bullet-time mode for Archers, and "Flicker"), and a few completely useless personal skills; unfortunately, you still need to master shit like Runecrafting anyway to make some weapons, so get to it fgt. The new classes are just like the classes from the last game - grossly overpowered and since they give you free experience points to get your characters to equally level with your main, you can max out shit like Blood Mage, Reaver, and the new shit like black person and Spirit Warrior without having to even kill anything for the first 30 minutes. As cool as some of these are, just remember that you'll only really need the first ability of any of the new classes, unless you want to just increase the rape factors.

Dragon Age II: Electric Boogaloo

Typical dialogue.

Typical letters from your sister.

Spoiler Alert: at the end of the game, you either side with the Jews and do WTC, or start the holocaust.

A notorious load of wank that did not improve in any way shape or form on it's bollocks predecessor. The computer game equivalent of polishing a turd, with even more grinding and magical bummery. You play as Hawke, an immigrant from the ancient realm of "Blah Bladidi Bla Blah", because he was escaping the nonsensical arse of the previous game, ironically landing himself in an even worse one. You get a whole new set of retards to track your every move, fight for you, and suck your penis like it was candy. Provided you do enough TL;DR talking. Merely mentioning this shittastic game within the domain of any RPG forum, or v will expose you to large amounts of "WORST FUKIN RPG EVAR!!11" and "THAT GAEM SUKS MAJOR BAWLS GIMME BALDURS GATE ANYDAY!!1!". And unbelievably enough, for once, those flabby fanboy faggots and /v/irgins are actually right.

Plot

Every fucking chapter of the game is the same, complete with recycled dungeons settings. The story of the game is worse than it's previous installment; first the qunari appear in the middle of a religious flamewar between the ultra-conservative Christfag Chantry and the oppressed mages who, for some weird reason, won't just massacre everything with magic. Eventually shit blows up, some qunari faggot dies, and the resulting chimpout causes Hawke to become the champion after he hangs the Arishok from a tree.

Now that Hawke is some bigshot and is likely fucking all of his companions at once, the Mages and Chantry want him to pick a side. The player then chooses to either blow up a church in the middle of the Chantry, a fuckden where priests molest little boys all day, or to side with the Chantry and kill the mages one by one.

It's worth mentioning that all except one of the companions in this game are pansexuals, due to BioWare's incessant need to pander to faggots, dikes and sick fucks.

Characters

• Carver: Your beta-male little brother that hates your guts because you're better than him. Spends 99% of the game being jealous of you, but isn't quite as whiny as Alistair. Uses a giant-ass sword because of penis envy.
• Bethany: Your little sister, and a mage. Even more annoying than Carver. And no, you can't fuck her, you sick fuck.
• Avelline: A butch ginger who spends the entire game crying about her dead Templar husband. Oh, and you can be the one to kill him for the lulz.
• Anders: A companion who returns from Awakening. Made a deal with Satan and now has a spirit of vengeance living on him that makes him murder religious people for the lulz. Oh, and when he isn't doing that, he cries about his cat and hits on you, especially if you're a man. Went on to do WTC.
• Varric: A dwarf with a big fucking crossbow and a ton of chest hair. Nothing to see here.
• Merrill: An emo jailbait elf with a Welsh accent who cuts herself to damage her enemies. Blatantly made to cater to pedophiles, which means you probably romanced her.
• Isabela: That bitch you can have a threesome with in Origins. Has more STDs than Lindsay Lohan, and is a negress, so at least its realistic.
• Fenris: Another bisexual elf. Basically the shota equivalent to Merrill, and even has the Bishōnen look to go with it. Covered in tattoos that make him turn incorporeal or some shit, which makes buttsex with him easier.
• Sebastian: The one heterosexual companion in the game, due to him being a Christfag who thinks God hates fags. Gets butthurt when Anders blows up his church and demands a Jihad on mages.

See Also

• Dragons
• Dungeons AND Dragons?!
• Oblivion
• Mass Effect
• RPG
• Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
• Tl;dr

External Links

• Grey Wardens - A blog by fanboys, for fanboys

•  greywardens - On Twitter

• Dragon Age/Mass Effect Community on Bioware - ABANDON PUSSY, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE

Dragon Age: Origins is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.