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Guitar: Difference between revisions
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The guitar is a musical instrument in which untalented weeaboos and [[you|faggots]] pick up in order to gain positive attention to themselves from the opposite sex. Nine times out of ten, they fucking suck horribly resulting in zero vagina and utter humiliation. | The guitar is a musical instrument in which untalented [[weeaboos]] and [[you|faggots]] pick up in order to gain positive attention to themselves from the opposite sex. [[statistic|Nine times out of ten]], they fucking suck horribly resulting in zero vagina and utter humiliation. However, there is a myth that some people are [[bullshit|are actually good]]; but most are just cheap [[13 year old boys]] who think that if they stare at the instrument long enough they'll be able to create music with absolutely [[doing it wrong|no fucking musical knowledge]]. | ||
However, there is a myth that some people are [[bullshit|are actually good]]; but most are just cheap [[ | |||
[[File:Vagina guitar.gif| | [[File:Vagina guitar.gif|thumb|Another usage of a guitar]] | ||
[[Image:Jmy3r.jpg|thumb|What you should look like if you're playing guitar correctly]] | [[Image:Jmy3r.jpg|thumb|What you should look like if you're playing guitar correctly]] | ||
==Guitars== | ==Guitars== | ||
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Acoustic guitars don't have any amplification, its what [[your mom]] buys you to shut you the fuck up and do something with your pathetic, meaningless life. Most acoustic guitars are shit, unless you're willing to shell out a couple grand for a decent one that is advertised to be [[bullshit|created with artisan grade wood and shit]]. | Acoustic guitars don't have any amplification, its what [[your mom]] buys you to shut you the fuck up and do something with your pathetic, meaningless life. Most acoustic guitars are shit, unless you're willing to shell out a couple grand for a decent one that is advertised to be [[bullshit|created with artisan grade wood and shit]]. | ||
Electric guitars have some form of amplification and are iconically used in [[shit|modern music]]. Most people who own an electric guitar usually own a shitty entry-level Ibanez or an even shittier [[azn]] made Fender Squire, most people who own an electric guitar can play a handful of generic riffs such as "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or "Come As You Are". These are the kind of people that give actual guitarists a bad name because they flaunt their [[l33t skillz]] like they're the next Jimi Hendrix or some shit. | Electric guitars have some form of amplification and are iconically used in [[shit|modern music]]. Most people who own an electric guitar usually own a shitty entry-level Ibanez or an even shittier [[azn]] made Fender Squire, most people who own an electric guitar can play a handful of generic riffs such as "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or "Come As You Are". These are the kind of people that give actual guitarists a bad name because they flaunt their [[skillz|l33t skillz]] like they're the next Jimi Hendrix or some shit. | ||
Contrary to popular belief, there are two distinct kinds of guitar players and they are listed as follows: | Contrary to popular belief, there are two distinct kinds of guitar players and they are listed as follows: | ||
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Both of these two archetypes have the potential of sucking harder than [[your mom]] on a Saturday night. | Both of these two archetypes have the potential of sucking harder than [[your mom]] on a Saturday night. | ||
Guitarists who know what they fuck they are doing are typically elitist faggots who think they're hot shit because they know a bunch of fancy terms like 'suspended fourth' and 'pentatonic scale'. Ignore these idiots because they really don't know what they're talking about if they have to talk about the same shit all the fucking time. | Guitarists who know what they fuck they are doing are typically elitist faggots who [[USI|think they're hot shit]] because they know a bunch of fancy terms like 'suspended fourth' and 'pentatonic scale'. Ignore these idiots because they really don't know what they're talking about if they have to talk about the same shit all the fucking time. | ||
Guitarists who don't know what the fuck they are doing will always suck, no matter what. | Guitarists who don't know what the fuck they are doing [[you|will always suck]], no matter what. | ||
Now, for some examples: | Now, for some examples: | ||
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One more example: | One more example: | ||
<youtube> | <youtube>C1-B5lhKc5M</youtube> | ||
There is yet another example of someone that will forever be infinitely better than [[you]]. | There is yet another example of someone that will forever be infinitely better than [[you]]. | ||
[[John Mayer]] is a notorious [[IRL troll]] who used his mediocre voice and | [[John Mayer]] is a notorious [[IRL troll]] who used his mediocre voice and [[meh|virtuosic]] guitar skills to get famous and fuck as many [[Katy Perry|celebrity babes]] as possible, just so he could prove a point to the people of his hometown that he wasn't a socially-awkward [[aspie]] who wouldn't go anywhere in life - he is an example of someone who is [[winning|doing it right.]] | ||
*'''Bass Guitar'''<br> | *'''Bass Guitar'''<br> | ||
Nobody gives a fuck about the bass guitarist, period. | [[fact|Nobody gives a fuck about the bass guitarist, period.]] | ||
== Obviously Not a Guitar Hero Faggot == | == Obviously Not a Guitar Hero Faggot == | ||
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== How to Play the Guitar == | == How to Play the Guitar == | ||
=== DO === | === DO === | ||
* Enroll in a Music Theory class at your | * Enroll in a Music Theory class at your high school. | ||
* Memorize scale patterns and play them until you can form phrases or licks out of them. | * Memorize scale patterns and play them until you can form phrases or licks out of them. | ||
* Garner inspiration by listening to the gods of guitar past such as Jimi Hendrix and David Gilmour. | * Garner inspiration by listening to the gods of guitar past such as Jimi Hendrix and David Gilmour. | ||
* Practice | * Practice at least two hours a day. | ||
* Learn a balanced | * Learn a balanced repertoire of songs (don't forget 'Your Body is a Wonderland', that's the ticket to getting [[sex|laid]].) | ||
* Get off your ass and learn how to read sheet music if you want to be a legitimate musician, if not - go fuck yourself. | * Get off your ass and learn how to read sheet music if you want to be a legitimate musician, if not - go fuck yourself. | ||
=== DON'T === | === DON'T === | ||
* Learn four open chords and call yourself a guitarist, people will laugh at you. | * Learn four open chords and call yourself a guitarist, people will laugh at you. | ||
* Flaunt your so-called '[[shit|innovative guitar playing]]' as an excuse for you not learning how to play your fucking instrument correctly. | * Flaunt your so-called '[[shit|innovative guitar playing]]' as an excuse for you not learning how to play your fucking instrument correctly. | ||
* Overtly use your guitar to get laid, with great power comes great responsibility - choose your sluts wisely. | * Overtly use your guitar to get laid, with great power comes great responsibility - choose your sluts wisely. | ||
Remember, you'll get double the amount of pussy (0 x 2 - that's just good math!) if you can sing as well. | |||
=== The Matthew Harriott method of guitar playing === | === The Matthew Harriott method of guitar playing === | ||
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* PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE | * PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE | ||
* Play for [[sluts|teenaged girls]] | * Play for [[sluts|teenaged girls]] | ||
* Be sure to bring scuba equipment or you'll drown in the pussy. | * Be sure to bring scuba equipment or you'll drown in the pussy. | ||
* [[????]] | |||
* [[PROFIT!]] | * [[PROFIT!]] | ||
==Guitar Faces== | ==Guitar Faces== | ||
If you play guitar you must have, at all times a guitar face. | If you play guitar you must have, at all times, a guitar face. | ||
Here is an example of some [[13 year old boy|16 year old boy]] doing a [[heavy metal|metal]] face: | Here is an example of some [[13 year old boy|16 year old boy]] doing a [[heavy metal|metal]] face: | ||
<youtube>lDhmFPdbtcs</youtube> | |||
== See Also == | == See Also == | ||
Revision as of 15:07, 27 June 2015
The guitar is a musical instrument in which untalented weeaboos and faggots pick up in order to gain positive attention to themselves from the opposite sex. Nine times out of ten, they fucking suck horribly resulting in zero vagina and utter humiliation. However, there is a myth that some people are are actually good; but most are just cheap 13 year old boys who think that if they stare at the instrument long enough they'll be able to create music with absolutely no fucking musical knowledge.
Guitars
- Guitar (AKA most overrated and overplayed instrument in history)
The origin dates back to over 9000 years ago when untalented assholes who couldn't play any other stringed instruments invented the lute, which is a pussy version of most stringed instruments.
Acoustic guitars don't have any amplification, its what your mom buys you to shut you the fuck up and do something with your pathetic, meaningless life. Most acoustic guitars are shit, unless you're willing to shell out a couple grand for a decent one that is advertised to be created with artisan grade wood and shit.
Electric guitars have some form of amplification and are iconically used in modern music. Most people who own an electric guitar usually own a shitty entry-level Ibanez or an even shittier azn made Fender Squire, most people who own an electric guitar can play a handful of generic riffs such as "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or "Come As You Are". These are the kind of people that give actual guitarists a bad name because they flaunt their l33t skillz like they're the next Jimi Hendrix or some shit.
Contrary to popular belief, there are two distinct kinds of guitar players and they are listed as follows:
- Ones who know what the fuck they are doing
- Ones who don't know what they fuck they are doing.
Both of these two archetypes have the potential of sucking harder than your mom on a Saturday night. Guitarists who know what they fuck they are doing are typically elitist faggots who think they're hot shit because they know a bunch of fancy terms like 'suspended fourth' and 'pentatonic scale'. Ignore these idiots because they really don't know what they're talking about if they have to talk about the same shit all the fucking time.
Guitarists who don't know what the fuck they are doing will always suck, no matter what.
Now, for some examples:
Now, that is a guitarist that knows what the fuck they are doing - his name is Stevie Ray Vaughn; He was a retarded coke addict from Texas and he was probably infinitely better than you will ever be.
One more example:
There is yet another example of someone that will forever be infinitely better than you. John Mayer is a notorious IRL troll who used his mediocre voice and virtuosic guitar skills to get famous and fuck as many celebrity babes as possible, just so he could prove a point to the people of his hometown that he wasn't a socially-awkward aspie who wouldn't go anywhere in life - he is an example of someone who is doing it right.
- Bass Guitar
Nobody gives a fuck about the bass guitarist, period.
Obviously Not a Guitar Hero Faggot
because playing Guitar Hero songs on real guitar is cool amiright?
How to Play the Guitar
DO
- Enroll in a Music Theory class at your high school.
- Memorize scale patterns and play them until you can form phrases or licks out of them.
- Garner inspiration by listening to the gods of guitar past such as Jimi Hendrix and David Gilmour.
- Practice at least two hours a day.
- Learn a balanced repertoire of songs (don't forget 'Your Body is a Wonderland', that's the ticket to getting laid.)
- Get off your ass and learn how to read sheet music if you want to be a legitimate musician, if not - go fuck yourself.
DON'T
- Learn four open chords and call yourself a guitarist, people will laugh at you.
- Flaunt your so-called 'innovative guitar playing' as an excuse for you not learning how to play your fucking instrument correctly.
- Overtly use your guitar to get laid, with great power comes great responsibility - choose your sluts wisely.
Remember, you'll get double the amount of pussy (0 x 2 - that's just good math!) if you can sing as well.
The Matthew Harriott method of guitar playing
- Learn several sensitive love songs on the guitar.
- PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE
- Play for teenaged girls
- Be sure to bring scuba equipment or you'll drown in the pussy.
- ????
- PROFIT!
Guitar Faces
If you play guitar you must have, at all times, a guitar face. Here is an example of some 16 year old boy doing a metal face:
See Also
- Music
- Angst
- MysteryGuitarMan
- 13 year old boys
- Unwarranted self-importance
- Unrealistic expectations
- STFU
- Yngwie Malmsteen
|
Guitar is part of a series on Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage. |