IBM

Typical IBM employee

"I first became operational at the IBM plant in Urbana, Illinois."

File:Hal9000a.jpg

Hal 9000. "I'm sorry, Dave. I cannot let your Jewishness interfere with the mission."

IBM, after helping NASA with the Spaceships, invented the PC, even though it was originally invented by Alan Turing. They invented the PC because they wanted people to buy their mainframes, so they created a computer that sucked so much that no one would buy it. But people did buy it, so IBM had a lollercaust and decided to become a computer company. However, by the time IBM realized that people liked their computers, people stopped buying them in favor of stuff that worked like IBM computers. IBM also makes software and wants to run your business. IBM is big, blue, and hairy. To elderly computer n00bs, IBM may be confused with Intel. IBM stands for "International Bowel Movement."

Inventions

IBM is known for StinkPad and ClitMouse (The Red Dot) on their computers. Thinkpad notebooks are resistant to various external factors like bathing with them, peeing on them, ejaculating on the screen, farting inside the fan holes, drilling, and being thrown at a wall (a typical action applied to crappy computers).

Relation to Microsoft

IBM created Bill Gates, and is therefore responsible for all the wars in the world. Therefore, IBM is the Jews This is because they were too lazy to produce their own OS, so they got Gary Kildall to do it. But he went flying so... they got Bill Gates instead. Later, IBM asked Microsoft to join them in creating OS/2 -- which they did. Later, when Microsoft was ready to sell Windows '95, Bill Gates made fun of OS/2. IBM cried about it, and because they were such sissies, nobody bought OS/2. However, their crying did get them over $8 in an anti-trust suit.

In revenge, IBM now sells Linux.

Relation to SCO

Back in the late 90s, SCO teamed up with IBM to join them in creating Project Monterrey. This was to take IBM's existing *nix OSes and merge them with UNIX. IBM later stopped working on their own *nix, and decided to sell Linux. As a result, SCO decided to sue IBM, Novell, and all their customers. IBM now holds a death grip on SCO and is sucking the life out of them.

Moral of the story: never mess with IBM.

Relation to Nazi Germany

IBM made the computers that counted up dead jews, restocked Zyklon B online, and switched the perimeter security lighting (and Hitler's night light) on and off every evening and morning according to the solar calendar.

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£€ IBM is a part of a series on Money $¥

Featured article October 1, 2005
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