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DotA 2: Difference between revisions
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Latest revision as of 06:05, 13 January 2023
Just like a shart, unexpected and unwanted, DotA 2 decided to pop-up centuries ago in the gaming universe to attract the most porcine-like creatures from the depths of Tartarus. Originally a Warcraft 3 mod that Blizzard ignored due to mental retardation, Valve acquired it and decided to add hats and release it with no effort. This was enough to convince mouth-breathers that it was innovative. The nerds that played it were/are the vilest pieces of apeshit you can imagine. They don't bathe or wipe their ass; they are chronic masturbators that jizz in their pants, hunchback goblins with long toenails and pimples that fantasize about getting fucked up the ass by anthropomorphic furry wolves with two dicks. Without a doubt, the community of this game is vastly retarded. We cannot comprehend how such a mundane, repetitive cluster of cancerous dogshit could attract so many goddamn degenerates. Anyway, all this doesn't matter because the roaches from the rice paddy lands rape them at tournaments every year, in front of their families. So what's the point? There's a more constructive thing you can do. Buy a rope, find a tall tree and hang yourself, fucktard. At least you'll get some sunlight.
Irrespective of everything we just said, if you still wish to play the game, you're in for a surprise. The learning curve of DotA 2 and DotA in general is wider than the diameter of UY Scuti (largest known star, diameter 2,375,828,000 km, fuck you). The only way you can learn this game is by dedicating your life to DotA, killing your family so they won't disturb your existence, and building yourself a tube-like-device that will force feed you oatmeal so you will never have to move away from your computer. Also popular in the community is digging a hole right next to your monitor to shit and piss directly into it. If the smell is too bad, block the hole with the dead bodies of your family members whom you have previously murdered.
Notable Heroes
Anti-Mage
The self-loathing Queer of wizarding, Anti-Mage, A.K.A. Mangina or Anti-Fun, in typical depth of lore fashion, hates Magic. He used to not, but now he does. He hates it so much that his spells revolve around fucking over magic users by drainging mana, then casting a spell to do damage based on mana drained. He's also known to have the most cancerous playstyle by personifying how a carry's mind operates. He's going to cry about the timing of his first item, demand you suck his dick for 15 minutes, not help you fight while he farms for another 30, and then come out as you're winning the game without him with 6 items and beg for commends.
Goblin Techies
The only heterosexual choice for a hero in the game, Goblin Techies are a group of 3 goblins who plant mines, plant mines, plant mines, and show their praise to glorious Allah by exploding themselves on other heroes. This hero's most notable for being the single best hero in the game to piss off players on both teams. You can fuck with players by placing mines in completely random areas they don't expect regardless of how effective, buying a force staff to punish them for trying to de-mine, and by being a complete worthless sack of shit to your own team.
SKELETON Wraith KING
THE TRUE ONE-BUTTON KING DOES NOT NEED SPELLS. HE HAS A SINGLE STUN THREE PASSIVES AND IT IS ALL YOU NEED TO WIN. BOW BEFORE A TRUE SKILLCAP-BASED HERO, PEASANT. VALVE WAS THREATENED WITH LAWLSUITS BY BLIZZARD FOR USING LEORIC THE SKELTEON KING SO THEY PUSSIED OUT AND MADE HIM A LITTLE BITCH WITH TOGGLES. MAYBE NEXT PATCH THEY'LL LET YOU TOGGLE OFF HIS REINCARNATION AND KILL HIMSELF.
Phoenix
SCREE KAW HAHA SQUARK KAKAAAAAW I'M A BIRD
Personalities
Purge
Known primarily for his intro-to-DotA, "Welcome to DotA, You suck", 
Kevin "Purge" Godec is known for being a terrible, terrible player, but trying to teach noobs how mechanics work. He's commonly a co-caster since his sultry voice and empty words fill time well, without having to say anything of value.
Sir Action Slacks
Walking proof that nothing good ever comes from crowdfunding, Jake "SirActionSlacks" Kanner is a meme-spewing literal giant, Slacks gained DotA 2 notoriety through YouTube and Reddit e-begging when his computer broke down, only to make thousands of irl dollars and spend it all flying his girlfriend to the International and a green screen. He's currently a host at Valve's events since they need somebody as retarded as the community who's also tall enough to hold the boom mics over the interviewee's heads, and Sheever can only be in one place at a time.
Na'Vi
A team composed entirely of a single mid player, Danil "Dendi" Ishutin, Na'Vi has been completely gutted of its former glory leaving only the has-been Dendi, from Ukraine to be invited to every major valve even and be eliminated immediately. Despite their terrible play, many fans who are too casual to follow the scene believe them to be the best because they won a large event 4 years ago.
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Arteezy
Pyrion Flax
Edward "PFlax" Forsyth was about as much of a DotA personality as DotA is a professional Sport. Nobody ever liked him, his content wasn't funny or relevant, and he sounds and looks like Fran Drescher fucked a Walrus. Known for making "Guides" in MS Paint and crying about every spell a hero has rather than actual guides. Between his voice, his vaping, and his self-professed terrible play (despite insisting on carrying when with better players), he is extremely easy to hate.
Zyori
A bland and flavorless nobody, Andrew "Zyori" Campbell would be a completely unnotable caster and host. He tried desperately to gain notoriety by growing dreadlocks and spewing autism, nobody cared until he forgot to turn off his webcam after a stream and sniffed his own balls. Thus the DotA 2 sniff sniff meme was born. He tried to erase any evidence of it by timing people out in chat and deleting their comments, however as foreseeable, this was ineffective and, especially now that Valve has made him cut his "trademark" hair, it remains his only contribution to the community.
Sheever
Jorien "Sheever" van der Heijden has a vag. She doesn't have a sense of humor, knowledge of the game, an understandable accent, or a likable personality, but she has a vag and you have to have one of those on panels or people find something else to masturbate to.
The Community
DotA 2 is known for having the worst community in the history of gaming and mankind. Apart from the Russian and Brazilian cancer that devoured 80% of the game, the community is completely made out of 13-year-old boys, basement-dwellers, neckbearded fucks, faggots (not to be confused with closet homosexual teenagers), closet homosexual teenagers, russians of all age and shape, chinks who ought to be playing Starcraft, attention whores and worst of all, you. If you expect to make friends in this game, think again, asshole. Immediately after the match starts, people will hate you for picking the wrong hero, picking the wrong items, picking the wrong abilities, and picking the wrong lane, subsequently calling you every swear word imaginable. They will bash you, your family, everyone and everything you cared for, all this and more when they announce your existence to the enemy team, who will join in the bashing, and eventually everyone will report your dumbass, most of the time falsely, so you will get low priority next time you search for a match. If you're lucky, you will discover the mute buttons and survive the ordeal, but as the nitwit wanker you are, that's probably not going to happen. All this will probably transcend at around minute 1, 1 and a half. If you're still in the game, you will proceed to get continuously gangbanged by the enemy team, because your own team informed them of your position. After that, be prepared for more bashing and humiliating chants now mixed with spam from map signals and homoerotic drawings on the minimap.
—A brief history lesson on how the Russian cancer started | ||
It's literally impossible to avoid playing with Russians on European servers and Peruvians on American ones, since no one will IP block them to their godforsaken zone and simply pick every available region for faster queues. Thus, you're inescapably compelled to play with these international parasites. Since playing with brain-dead chauvinistic dipshits is mandatory, you will sooner or later suffer the consequences of opening your mouth to oppose the Russian and Peruvian idiocy you will surely experience. Enjoy having a party of 4 wetbacks report you to low-priority for not speaking the primary language of your server. Welcome to DotA. It sucks.
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Gallery
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You just don't understand! -
HUEHUEHUE -
Flawed character design. -
You're gonna get raped. -
It gets better ... eventually.
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Ganking in the jungle. -
Spoink! -
Crystal Meth & Fire Bimbo zoning each other. The only reason why anyone plays this shit -
Never listen to your teammates, EVER. -
Ice mages have their problems, too. -
This is how it usually goes. -
RUS? -
How a DotA match usually goes. -
DotA vs LoL -
How to kill your friendships, DotA style! -
DotA vs LoL - 2 -
GOTTA GO FAST! -
The normal reaction of a LoL player. -
Void's diary. -
Squee doing what he does best. -
R.I.P. -
The evolution of GG. -
XAXAXA! -
OH FUCK NO!!! -
Rule34 strikes again -
The DotA community is lovely. -
See Also
External Links
- DotA 2 on Twitch - watch Russian spergs walk in one of two directions for 45 minutes at a time
- The official Blog
/r/dota2 (See removed posts: 1, 2), the official balance suggestion and bug report forum- an unofficial fan forum. Defintely no developers here.
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