Weev: Still Here

Joaquin Phoenix

Weev

Weev: Still Here is the working title of the forthcoming biopic about the life and times of notorious anti-Zionist hacker and holy roller, Andrew Weevlos of Goatse Security fame that will star Joaquin Phoenix in the title role.

On 9/11/2010, Joaquin's management agency issued a press release revealing that Joaquin had come to his senses after a tumultuous two years in which he quit acting and had been picked to play the title role in a major motion picture about notorious h4x0r, troll and human rights activist Weev. Directed by Ron Howard, "Weev: Still Here" will premiere in theatres on 9/11/2011.

Mr. Phoenix issued a short statement of his own in which he thanked Ron Howard for the role of a lifetime.

	“	I've been a fan of Mr. Weevlos' considerable body of work dating back to his days as the architect of the GNAA. This motion picture has Oscar© written all over it and I'm honoured to be a part of this project.	„
	—Joaquin Phoenix

Weev's Story

Weev Guevara

See main article at Weev.

Weev aka The Honourable Andrew WK Weevlos is a grey hat hacking legend from Bantown Arkansas who ran afoul of the law in mid 2010 when he exposed gaping security holes in Apple Computers' new toy, the iPad, and embarrassed Steve Jobs by revealing over 9000 private email addresses of high profile customers. Seeing as Steve Jobs is all about serious fucking business when it comes to Apple's proprietary technology he naturally sic'd Apple's Jack-booted thugs on Mr. Weevlos who -along with Arkansas' long arm of the law- arrested him following an IRL SWATing shortly after Mr. Weevlos went public with the security flaw (after first alerting Apple and AT&T).

Despite an ongoing investigation by the FBI there is no real case against Weev so the cops planted drugs all over his apartment and v& him, as well as seizing all of his computers (ironically, Macs). While Mr. Weevlos is prescribed medical marijuana for cataracts, he denies having tried any of the other drugs supposedly found in the police raid and is actually vehemently opposed to drug use of any kind.

He is currently facing four felony drug possession charges and several misdemeanours for pissing off Steve Jobs. Jobs has seen to it that one of Arkansas' top criminal prosecutors, John Threet, is representing the people. It should be noted that Mr. Threet usually only handles murder cases. Despite being a judge himself, Mr. Weevlos will be represented by the legal team of Johnnie Cochran and Clive Blackman PhD.

Legal Team

Clive Blackman

Johnnie Cochran's record speaks for itself. Meanwhile, Mr. Blackman is a 44-year-old black man with an IQ that qualifies him for God Tier at MENSA. At 18-years-old he was accepted to Yale University on an academic scholarship and went on to become a two-time All American noseguard and a raw powerlifting champion. After graduating summa cum laude he went on to a successful career making a small fortune in rural real estate that enabled him to retire at age 30. Mr. Blackman ist 6'4 and weighs in at 267lbs with 12% body fat. His penis is 8.8 inches in length and is uncircumcised -a crucial factor for his retention by Mr. Weevlos.

	“	With BLACK_MAN reprsenting me, my defense is ironclad.	„
	—Weev, ED:IRC

Joaquin Phoenix

Joaquin Leaf Phoenix is an Oscar© omnomnominated Puerto Rican wigger, and male model whose parents were Hollywood hippies that joined a cult and gave all their children ridiculous hippie names like River, Summer, Rain, Leaf and Ethanol. After a brief but mediocre career as an actor, following in the footsteps of his more talented but dead older brother, River, Joaquin became a vegan, joined PETA, took acid, tuned on, tuned in, dropped out, grew a beard and created a lot of drama.

From 2008 through 2010 his behaviour got increasingly more 'wacky', and Marlon Brando-esque. He was reportedly perpetually drunk, put on a shitload of weight, started consuming mass quantities of hookers and blow and generally appeared to be having a meltdown. In 2009, Joaquin announced that he was quitting acting to pursue a career in rap music -as a rapper. He subsequently hit up P. Diddy to be his producer and Diddy said he'd do it but only if Joaquin gave him a bunch of money. However, upon hearing JP's demo, he changed his mind.

During a bizarre appearance on the David Letterman show, he complained that nobody was taking him seriously and that this was not a publicity stunt.

	“	This is not a joke. Might I be ridiculous? Might my career in music be laughable? Yeah, that's possible, but that's certainly not my intention.	„
	—Joaquin Phoenix

tl;dw? see [1].

Casting

Little is known yet about the other cast members but rumor has it that Sir Ben Kingsley has expressed interest in playing the part of Weev's mentor, Joseph Evers and that Tom Cruise is being considered for the part of Steve Jobs. Some other cast rumors include:

• Michael J. Fox is said to be lobbying the producers for the part of the hard-nosed Arkansas Chief Deputy Prosecutor, John Threet (who is personally handling Weev's IRL court case).
• Halle Berry as Claudia Manglik
• The corpse of Chris Farley as Girlvinyl
• Andrew McCarthy as AJT
• Lindsay Lohan for the part of Hepkitten
• Tyler Perry for the part of Sheneequa
• Jean-Claude Van Damme for the part of OldDirtyBtard
• Jason Schwartzman for the part of Killhamster
• Derek Magyar for the part of Yirimyah
• Betty White as Fishing Cat
• Jeff Bridges as Dan
• Christopher "Ludacris" Bridges as Johnnie Cochran
• Clive Blackman as himself.

See Also

• Weev
• Phoenix Wright
• Failbook page!
• Weev on TOW
• Jooaquin Phoenix's biopic

Weev: Still Here is part of a series on Trolls Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.

Weev: Still Here is part of a series on Media Visit the Media Portal for complete coverage.