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[[File:Stuffed raccoon.gif|thumb|left|400px|[[Rape|Favorite pastime.]]]]
[[File:Evolution Of Gaben.jpg|center|1000px]]
<div style="position:fixed; left:0px; bottom:0px; overflow:visible;">[[File:Gabencorner.png|250px|link=]]</div>
{{ib|[[File:Gabenewell.jpg|350px]]}}
{{Ibhead|Gabe Logan Newell}}
{{Ibrow|'''Born'''<br />|<small>During the roarin' Sixties.</small>}}
{{Ibrow|'''Occupation'''<br />|<small>Crushing dreams, devouring hope, ruler of all that is evil.</small>}}
{{Ibrow|'''Title(s)'''<br /><br />|<small>Devourer of Worlds, Devourer of Souls, The Hunger That Does Not Cease, Destroyer of Dreams, The Wicked, Consumer of Hope, That Which Cannot Be Satisfied, The Insatiable Dark Lord, The Deceiver</small>}}
{{Ibend}}
 
[[File:Gabedon'tbelieve.jpg|thumb|right|Don't believe his lies.]]
[[image:Gabegettingsnacks.png|thumb|right|Gabe getting his lunch break.]]
[[image:Gabegettingsnacks.png|thumb|right|Gabe getting his lunch break.]]
[[image:Gabe_at_work.jpg|thumb|right|How Gabe spends his time at work.]]
[[image:Gabe_at_work.jpg|thumb|right|How Gabe spends his time at work.]]
[[Image:Gabeburger.jpg|thumb|right|Gabe on snack break.]]
[[Image:Gabeburger.jpg|thumb|right|Gabe on snack break.]]
[[Image:Gabe Newell Watching.png|thumb|right|Did you pre-order episode 3 yet?.]]
[[File:Stuffed raccoon.gif|thumb|right|[[Rape|Favorite pastime.]]]]
'''Gabe Newell''', also known as '''Gaben''' is an evil [[Brony|plushophile]] and a porcine abomination that rules over anything under the [[Valve|Valve]] shadow. He's infamous for crushing dreams and destroying hope, known for his never ending hunger and lack of morals, ruling over an evil empire solely based upon greed and deceit.


'''Gabe Newell''', '''Gaben''' or '''Gay Ben''', is the head of [[Valve|Valve Corporation]]. Gabe is famous for being a [[fat]] yet cheerful soul, and spends his days at work eating, sleeping and delaying ''[[Half-Life|Episode Three]]''. Whilst doing all of this, Gabe gives out games for free in order to distract Half-Life fans from the decade-long wait for their most-wanted game.


==History==
==History==
Gabe was thrown out of [[University]] for eating his roommates. From there he went to work at [[Micro$oft]], scoring millions of dollars and then ditching the company years later to create [[vidya]] gaems.
Gabe was thrown out of [[University]] for eating his roommates. From there he went to work at [[Micro$oft]], scoring millions of dollars and then ditching the company years later to create [[vidya|vidya gæms]].
 
Gabe soon thought up ''[[Half-Life]]'', where the protagonist was opposite to him in every way (thin, good looking, quiet, etc). ''Half-Life'' took over 2 years to make due to both Gabe revising his ''Valve Time'' technique and being unable to render maps that weren't snack rooms or McDonald's.
[[File:Happy gaben.png|left|150px]]
After almost making himself bankrupt, Gabe released ''Half-Life'' and got rich again. He used the money to develop [[Steam]], attracting [[13 year old boys]] all over the globe. He also found groups of suckers who created games such as ''[[Counter-Strike]]'', [[Shit|Ricochet]] and ''Day of Defeat'', employing them and making money off of their work. CAPITALISM, HO!


Gabe soon thought up ''[[Half-Life]]'', where the protagonist was opposite to him in every way (thin, good looking, etc). ''Half-Life'' took over 2 years to make due to Gabe revising his ''Valve Time'' technique.
Gabe then made [[Half-Life 2]], 6 years after its prequel. He and his company now stick to updating the same old games to use newer engines rather than working on making new games, which explains why the Half-Life 2 episodes took so fucking long to arrive and why one of them doesn't exist yet (Spoiler: it never will because the project was cancelled).


After almost making himself bankrupt, Gabe released ''Half-Life'' and got rich again. He used the money to develop [[Steam]], attracting [[13 year old boys]] all over the globe. He also found groups of suckers who created games such as ''[[Counter-Strike]]'' and ''Day of Defeat'', employing them and making money off of their work. CAPITALISM, HO!
To this day ''Valve Time'' is proven to be successful since Gabe has been using it on Episode Three since it was supposed to come out in [[2005]]. Valve's fanboys continue to defend the title, proving that ''Valve Time'' helps to keep fans attached to the games. Gabe has also distracted his fans with releases such as ''[[Team Fortress 2]]'', ''[[Left 4 Dead]]'', ''Left 4 Dead 2'', ''[[Portal]]'' and a bunch of other titles.


Gabe then made [[Half-Life 2]] 6 years after its prequel. He and his company now stick to updating the same old games to use newer engines rather than working on making new games, which explains why the Half-Life 2 episodes took so fucking long to arrive and why one of them doesn't exist yet (Spoiler: it never will).
Today, Gabe still runs Valve and continues to delay <s>Episode Three</s> Half Life 3. Calling Gabe fat via the Steam Community extends the delay by [[at least 100 years|a month]].


To this day ''Valve Time'' is proven to be successful since Gabe has been using it on Episode Three since it was supposed to come out in [[2005]]. Valve's fanboys continue to defend the title, proving that ''Valve Time'' helps to keep fans attached to the games. Gabe has also distracted his fans with releases such as ''[[Team Fortress 2]]'', ''[[Left 4 Dead]]'', ''Left 4 Dead 2'', ''[[Portal]]'' and a bunch of other titles.
== The Gabeard ==
During an interview with [[Penny Arcade]], it was revealed that Gaben had grown a beard that made him look closer and closer to a walrus. Steam fanboys immediately jumped out and tried to call it a sign of [[No|Episode Three]], simultaneously cumming themselves in blood pressure-raising panic. Meanwhile, the rest of the world just views him as finally becoming lazy enough to eat instead of shaving.
[[Image:gabebeard.jpg|center|Gabe Newell going for a [[George Lucas]] look.]]
 
== Gabe is a Brony ==
 
<center><youtube>YPjFavgKO5I</youtube></center>
 
<center>'''God help us all, he's finally sent [[v/|/v/]] into a full-on Kristallnacht.'''</center>
 
 
==gabe reddit AMA==


Today, Gabe still runs Valve and continues to delay Episode Three. Calling Gabe fat via the Steam Community extends the delay by at least 10 minutes.
[[Last Thursday]] gaben did a [http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1zkfmv/wearea_videogame_developer_aua/ reddit AMA] {{archive|ncNAc}}, and like anything on reddit all the serious questions got downvoted to oblivion and the first 500 most upvoted comments were pun trains and things along the lines of "where's half life 3" and "will you sign my trilby/fedora?"


==Gabe on camera==
==Gabe on camera==
{{frame|
<center>{{frame|
{{fv|gaybengaybengayben||font-weight: bold;
{{fv|gaybengaybengayben||font-weight: bold;
|<youtube>yyJ48-BYb7s</youtube>
|<youtube>yyJ48-BYb7s</youtube>
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|<youtube>PzjiW1-HINM</youtube>
|<youtube>PzjiW1-HINM</youtube>
<center>'''The better version'''</center>
<center>'''The better version'''</center>
|<youtube>ZaT9WdO99wQ</youtube>
|<youtube>_Fl4s9T79n0</youtube>
<center>'''The truth'''</center>
<center>'''To celibrate Gabe's [[Oldfag|50th birthday]], [[v/|/v/'s]] greatest [[autism]] [[White Knights|warriors]] visit him.'''</center>
|<youtube>F4P0Dnlx_Mg</youtube>
|<youtube>F4P0Dnlx_Mg</youtube>
<center>'''Meanwhile at Valve'''</center>
<center>'''Meanwhile at Valve'''</center>
|<youtube>cQ0LG8Ks4iA</youtube>
|<youtube>cQ0LG8Ks4iA</youtube>
|<youtube>8tsHkpesBdY</youtube>
|<youtube>8tsHkpesBdY</youtube>
}}}}
|<youtube>pZaY1jV96jI</youtube>
<center>'''Gabe Newell as a farmer.'''</center>
|<youtube>jyXqyTbP-J4</youtube>
<center>'''Gabe Newell as a [[fat|phat]] rapper.'''</center>
|<youtube>d6b5KanDYtY</youtube>
<center>'''Gabe Newell takes on [[My Little Pony]].'''</center>
}}}}</center>


==Gabe's interviews==
==Gabe's interviews==
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In short, all of Gabe Newell's interviews can be summed by this: "We're currently [[Not|working]] on [[Portal|blah]] [[Half Life|blah]] [[Team Fortress 2|blah]] [[Left 4 Dead|blah]], and a [[Goatse|big surprise]] will be revealed [[Nevar|really really soon]]!"
In short, all of Gabe Newell's interviews can be summed by this: "We're currently [[Not|working]] on [[Portal|blah]] [[Half Life|blah]] [[Team Fortress 2|blah]] [[Left 4 Dead|blah]], and a [[Goatse|big surprise]] will be revealed [[Nevar|really really soon]]!"
(Nothing ever gets announced)


==Gabe's official theme song==
==Gabe's official theme song==
{{cs2|Pokemon|Gotta eat it all|<br/>
I want to be the very fat<br/>
I want to be the very fat<br/>
Like no one ever was<br/>
Like no one ever was<br/>
Line 102: Line 137:




tl;dr another [[Pokemon]] ripoff.
tl;dr another [[Pokemon]] ripoff.|0}}


==Emails sent to Gabe==
==Emails sent to Gabe==
Gabe sometimes responds to emails sent to his [mailto:[email protected] corporate address] no matter how lulzy they may be.
Gabe sometimes responds to emails sent to his [mailto:[email protected] corporate address] no matter how lulzy they may be.
<gallery>
 
 
<center>
<gallery perrow="3">
Image:Gabeemail.jpg
Image:Gabeemail.jpg
Image:Niggerballs.jpg|Gabe is subtlety trolled  
Image:Niggerballs.jpg|Gabe is subtlety trolled  
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Image:Lolgabe.png|Gabe in response to a randomly generated email sent by [[v/|/v/]]
Image:Lolgabe.png|Gabe in response to a randomly generated email sent by [[v/|/v/]]
</gallery>
</gallery>
</center>


==/v/'s visit to Gabe==
==/v/'s visit to Gabe==
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/v/ plans to visit Gabe sometime later in 2010 (<s>considering they don't forget to go</s>; lol oops). Their strict set of rules mean there will be no [[underageb&]], [[furries]] or [[women|girlfriends]]. This makes shit easier (no responsibly of retarded kids, no furry pride crap and no repetitive whining about how everyone in the bus stinks of [[manchild]] sweat).
/v/ plans to visit Gabe sometime later in 2010 (<s>considering they don't forget to go</s>; lol oops). Their strict set of rules mean there will be no [[underageb&]], [[furries]] or [[women|girlfriends]]. This makes shit easier (no responsibly of retarded kids, no furry pride crap and no repetitive whining about how everyone in the bus stinks of [[manchild]] sweat).


<center>
<gallery>
<gallery>
Image:EmailGabe5.jpg
Image:EmailGabe5.jpg
Line 125: Line 165:
Image:EmailGabe4.jpg
Image:EmailGabe4.jpg
</gallery>
</gallery>
</center>


==Gaben General==
==Gaben General==
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File:Gabe by Calvin Klein.png|Gabe, a man of allure.
File:Gabe by Calvin Klein.png|Gabe, a man of allure.
Image:Gabetroll.gif
Image:Gabetroll.gif
Image:Gabe a loompa.png|Gabe whilst [[trolling]]
Image:Gabe a loompa.png|Gabe while [[trolling]]
File:Gabe Newell Boob Mouse Pad.jpg|Now in the Valve Store!
File:Gabe Newell Boob Mouse Pad.jpg|Now in the Valve Store!
</gallery>|<gallery>
</gallery>|<gallery>
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File:Gamecrush.png|Find Gabe on Game Crush
File:Gamecrush.png|Find Gabe on Game Crush
Image:Gabedealwithit.png|[[DEAL WITH IT]]
Image:Gabedealwithit.png|[[DEAL WITH IT]]
Image:DevianTART.png|Get the [http://mrmephobia.deviantart.com/art/Gaben-Theme-Pack-362607191?q=gallery%3Amrmephobia&qo=1 theme pack]
File:Gabe Newell TF2 shit.jpg|...
File:Gabe Newell and Peter Griffin.jpg
File:Gabe Newell troll HL2 first meeting.jpg
File:Gabe newell pirate.jpg
File:Gabe newell.jpg
File:Gabe newell powerpoint.JPG
File:Gaben-fat-jew.jpg|Sounds about right.
File:Gaben-kawaii.jpg|He just wants your dollaru~
File:Gaben Emprah.jpg
File:Gaben Emprah bust.jpg
File:Gaben-beard-selfie.jpg|Gaben with beard in [[reddit|ama]] selfie
File:Write Gabe An Email.jpg
File:StopTheTrolls.jpg
</gallery>}}{{clear}}
</gallery>}}{{clear}}


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{{gaming}}
{{gaming}}
<br>
{{memes}}
{{Valve}}
[[Category:Valve]]

Latest revision as of 13:15, 3 May 2021

Gabe Logan Newell
Born
 During the roarin' Sixties.
Occupation
 Crushing dreams, devouring hope, ruler of all that is evil.
Title(s)

 Devourer of Worlds, Devourer of Souls, The Hunger That Does Not Cease, Destroyer of Dreams, The Wicked, Consumer of Hope, That Which Cannot Be Satisfied, The Insatiable Dark Lord, The Deceiver


Don't believe his lies.
Gabe getting his lunch break.
How Gabe spends his time at work.
Gabe on snack break.
Did you pre-order episode 3 yet?.
Favorite pastime.

Gabe Newell, also known as Gaben is an evil plushophile and a porcine abomination that rules over anything under the Valve shadow. He's infamous for crushing dreams and destroying hope, known for his never ending hunger and lack of morals, ruling over an evil empire solely based upon greed and deceit.


History

Gabe was thrown out of University for eating his roommates. From there he went to work at Micro$oft, scoring millions of dollars and then ditching the company years later to create vidya gæms.

Gabe soon thought up Half-Life, where the protagonist was opposite to him in every way (thin, good looking, quiet, etc). Half-Life took over 2 years to make due to both Gabe revising his Valve Time technique and being unable to render maps that weren't snack rooms or McDonald's.

After almost making himself bankrupt, Gabe released Half-Life and got rich again. He used the money to develop Steam, attracting 13 year old boys all over the globe. He also found groups of suckers who created games such as Counter-Strike, Ricochet and Day of Defeat, employing them and making money off of their work. CAPITALISM, HO!

Gabe then made Half-Life 2, 6 years after its prequel. He and his company now stick to updating the same old games to use newer engines rather than working on making new games, which explains why the Half-Life 2 episodes took so fucking long to arrive and why one of them doesn't exist yet (Spoiler: it never will because the project was cancelled).

To this day Valve Time is proven to be successful since Gabe has been using it on Episode Three since it was supposed to come out in 2005. Valve's fanboys continue to defend the title, proving that Valve Time helps to keep fans attached to the games. Gabe has also distracted his fans with releases such as Team Fortress 2, Left 4 Dead, Left 4 Dead 2, Portal and a bunch of other titles.

Today, Gabe still runs Valve and continues to delay Episode Three Half Life 3. Calling Gabe fat via the Steam Community extends the delay by a month.

The Gabeard

During an interview with Penny Arcade, it was revealed that Gaben had grown a beard that made him look closer and closer to a walrus. Steam fanboys immediately jumped out and tried to call it a sign of Episode Three, simultaneously cumming themselves in blood pressure-raising panic. Meanwhile, the rest of the world just views him as finally becoming lazy enough to eat instead of shaving.

Gabe Newell going for a George Lucas look.
Gabe Newell going for a George Lucas look.

Gabe is a Brony

God help us all, he's finally sent /v/ into a full-on Kristallnacht.


gabe reddit AMA

Last Thursday gaben did a reddit AMA (archive), and like anything on reddit all the serious questions got downvoted to oblivion and the first 500 most upvoted comments were pun trains and things along the lines of "where's half life 3" and "will you sign my trilby/fedora?"

Gabe on camera

The original. Skip to 0:55

The better version

To celibrate Gabe's 50th birthday, /v/'s greatest autism warriors visit him.

Meanwhile at Valve

Gabe Newell as a farmer.

Gabe Newell as a phat rapper.

Gabe Newell takes on My Little Pony.

Previous Video | Next Video

Gabe's interviews

tl;dr

In short, all of Gabe Newell's interviews can be summed by this: "We're currently working on blah blah blah blah, and a big surprise will be revealed really really soon!" 

(Nothing ever gets announced)

Gabe's official theme song


[-+]Gotta eat it all


I want to be the very fat
Like no one ever was
To develop them is my real test
To delay them is my cause
I will travel across the couch
Searchin' far and wide
Each piece of food to digest
The power that's inside!

Gaben!
It's you and me.
I know it's my destiny!
Gaben!
Ooh you're my best friend
In a game we must delay!
Gaben!
A heart so true
My stomach will pull me through
You eat me and I'll eat you
G-A-B-E-N!
(Gotta delay 'em) Gotta delay 'em Gotta delay 'em all!


Every game along the way
With hunger I will face
I will eat everyday
To claim my rightful place!
Come with me, the time is right!
There's no better team
Arm and arm, we'll piss the fans!
Episode 3 always been a dream!


Gaben!
It's you and me.
I know it's my destiny!
Gaben!
Ooh you're my best friend
In a game we must delay!
Gaben!
A heart so true
My stomach will pull me through
You eat me and I'll eat you
G-A-B-E-N!
(Gotta delay 'em) Gotta delay 'em! (Gaben!)


Gaben!
It's you and me.
I know it's my destiny!
Gaben!
Ooh you're my best friend
In a game we must delay!
Gaben!
A heart so true
My stomach will pull me through
You eat me and I'll eat you
G-A-B-E-N!
(Gotta delay 'em) Gotta delay 'em Gotta delay 'em all!
G-A-B-E-N!


tl;dr another Pokemon ripoff.

Emails sent to Gabe

Gabe sometimes responds to emails sent to his corporate address no matter how lulzy they may be.


  • Gabe is subtlety trolled
    Gabe is subtlety trolled
  • Gabe on being a smartass
    Gabe on being a smartass
  • Gabe in response to what he will do after E3
    Gabe in response to what he will do after E3
  • Gabe on his supreme knowledge of food
    Gabe on his supreme knowledge of food
  • Gabe in response to a randomly generated email sent by /v/
    Gabe in response to a randomly generated email sent by /v/

/v/'s visit to Gabe

Around August 2010, /v/, in their wholehearted love for Gabe, sent Gabe an email with an image containing hundreds of signatures from /v/ users. Gabe responded the next day inviting /v/ to the offices of Valve. Whether /v/ will go or not is unknown since their charter buses are likely to break down under the weight of so many /v/irgins.

/v/ plans to visit Gabe sometime later in 2010 (considering they don't forget to go; lol oops). Their strict set of rules mean there will be no underageb&, furries or girlfriends. This makes shit easier (no responsibly of retarded kids, no furry pride crap and no repetitive whining about how everyone in the bus stinks of manchild sweat).

Gaben General

Gaben at his best About missing Pics
  • Gabe, a man of allure.
    Gabe, a man of allure.
  • Gabe while trolling
    Gabe while trolling
  • Now in the Valve Store!
    Now in the Valve Store!
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]
  • He will grant you three episodes.
    He will grant you three episodes.
  • GTFO
    GTFO
  • Gabe's mad cause he didn't order Chinese.
    Gabe's mad cause he didn't order Chinese.
  • What Gabe does at work
    What Gabe does at work
  • Gabe troll you.
    Gabe troll you.
  • Gabe and his pot stash.
    Gabe and his pot stash.
  • The man himself. A visionary.
    The man himself. A visionary.
  • A self-portrait titled "The many chins of Gabe".
    A self-portrait titled "The many chins of Gabe".
  • MEANWHILE AT VALVE
    MEANWHILE AT VALVE
  • Find Gabe on Game Crush
    Find Gabe on Game Crush
  • DEAL WITH IT
    DEAL WITH IT
  • Get the theme pack
    Get the theme pack
  • ...
    ...
  • Sounds about right.
    Sounds about right.
  • He just wants your dollaru~
    He just wants your dollaru~
  • Gaben with beard in ama selfie
    Gaben with beard in ama selfie

Gabe MTF

Gabe is a busy... man About missing Pics
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


See Also

Gabe Newell is part of a series on

Gaming

Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

Gabe Newell is part of a series on

Memes

Visit the Memes Portal for complete coverage.

Gabe Newell is part of a series on

[ToggleToggle]

"Masterpieces"

Counter-Strike (Franchise) • DotA • Dota 2 • Garry's Mod • Half-Life • Half-Life 2 • Left 4 Dead (Franchise) • Portal • Source Filmmaker • Team Fortress 2 (Major Updates)

"Community"

!!REMP Owner • Adam Lanza • Bob8466 • C-NOTE • Herman • King Gaben • Facepunch Studios • Heavy The Squid • Ryan Palmeter • Steam (Games - Forum - Furries) • Steam Friend Thread • myg0t • Maxofs2d • McSkillet • NuzzleFuzzle • William Atchison

Miscellaneous

Dr. Hax • Gentlemen • Freeman's Mind • Hunt Down The Freeman • Mic spamming • Natural Selection (Mod) • Nope.avi • PC Master Race • The Orion Project • School Shooter: North American Tour 2012 • Skibidi Toilet

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