Apology

See also Trolls remorse, Drama remorse, or Remorse Dog.

Apologies or Sorry is used to show remorse or shame for a deed you have done, however disgusting it may be, it is a phrase you will never hear nor read from this site unless it is used with a sarcastic tone; for instance "We apologize that you are a faggot". In this context it should never be confused with actual sorrow nor is it an actual heartfelt apology, but is usually a last-ditch attempt by the troll to save his or her job – especially when the trolled blacks, Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson are calling for your head.

We don't desire your forgiveness, that is, if you deserve an article on this site - for you are truly at the shortest of the internets straws and deserve everything coming to you in conjunction with your article. With such a spaz to have been noticed by this face of the internet is a fuckup in epic proportions, such that you deserved an article here chronicling your stupidity over a series of weeks, months, years, to your grave and beyond.

The best thing you can do if you find yourself on an article in this site is to apologize to everyone you know around you for being such a pile of shit, drama ridden pedo, or all around psycho.

Things We Won't Apologize For

You're an Ugly Troll: That's something you should take up with your Parents because it was their faulty DNA that produced you.

You're Fat: Again that's all your fault because you have no self control and have to eat everything in site.

You're a Pedophile: You're a Sick Fuck and should kill yourself after reading this.

You're a High School Drop Out: You're most likely a lazy waste of flesh that begs for Money on Twatter while telling everyone on the site how you are days away from becoming an Animu artist and going to Japan

You have a tiny dick: This is the fault of your parents inferior DNA and you should Kill Yourself immediately or walk around as a joke.

You were born black: This is a punishment from God for your sins in a past life and you should live your life in penance so you can be reborn white.

You don't have a girlfriend: This is a failure on your part because girls find you repulsive. Get used to this because you will never find love.

You were born Poor: Blame your parents for fucking up in high school and not being able to make it into college so all they can do is work at Fast food restaurants.

You were molested: Think of it this way, you were so hot as a child that an adult couldn't control themselves, sexually, around you.

You're a Pornographer: Whether it be drawing it, writing it, or taking and collecting photos - you should die a horrible Death where your innards are pulled out and shown to you before you pass.

You don't believe in God: This is totally your choice if you want to believe in him or not but it won't be our fault when you're burning in Hell.

You're a rapist: There is no such thing as rape but if you need to utilize Surprise Sex as a technique for getting the puss puss you are a waste of flesh that probably can't talk to girls or get a Hard On when talking to them.

You're in Prison: The answer is simple, you shouldn't have done what you did.

You're a Democrat: There is no cure for Retardedness.

You're Florida Trailer Trash: Again, blame your parents because they chose to smoke Meth rather than go to school and all they can afford is a trailer park to raise you in.

You're a Woman: Blame God for your being born without a penis.

You're a teenager with Cancer: Hey, what can we say, God hates you.

You're the school bike: Drink bleach then kill yourself.

You're the prison bike: Tighten up your sphincter because you're going to be prison gay until your release. If you can't live with it, you could always kill yourself.

You're Chris Chan: You're God's practical joke and it is your mom's fault for not aborting you at the moment of your conception.

Elements Of An Apology

When apologizing to the world for your fuck up of being born it really helps that you show sincere remorse. We should be able to feel the regret of your mistake of being born and choosing to do the actions that led you to be noticed.

Second: You must take responsibility for the choices you have made on the Internets even if it is one that is not in your control such as being born ugly as there are many options that can be taken such as plastic surgery to improve upon this mistake.

Third: You must make amends for all the harms you have caused such as spreading stupidity across the internets. For most this might be rather difficult because their stupidity was contagious and led to others following in the tracks of their ineptitude. The only real solution and sincere apology is to leave the internets completely and never come back.

Fourth: If leaving the internets is not something you are willing to do then you must admit to your mistakes and promise never to make them again. An example would be you saying you Support Hitler and after being chastised by the internets for it make a sincere apology admitting that what you said was wrong and won't be repeated again.

The Six Stages

This form of 'apology' is usually accompanied by:

An immediate hyperbolic press release spewing remorse issued through a PR person.
An appearance on The Larry King show.
Turning your life over to God.
Entering rehab of some sort (from Alcoholics Anonymous to Anger Management).
Meeting with the offended group in question.
Suicide secondary to crippling guilt.
????
PROFIT!

It is extremely rare, however, for the offender to get beyond Stage 2.

Sincerity

If you are apologizing for something you did on the internet to get you chastised enmasse it is likely that you will most likely be insincere because you are only making the apology because that is what people are demanding.

The fact is, apologies are a sign of weakness because you are letting people decide your actions and you are selling out your beliefs by saying that what you said is a mistake and should never had been uttered.

Apologize, don't apologize it's up to you but one thing you shouldn't do is play it off as a joke because this is an insult to everyone's intelligence and only succeeds in pissing people off because you are taking a serious subject like Fags dying from AIDS and reducing it to a punchline

Saying Sorry on the Internet

Given that the internet has made IRL contact redundant, much to the pleasure of all basement dwelling virgins who sit on their computers 24/7, new methods of apology have evolved.

Since no serious ED user has ever been observed apologizing for anything, completing this section is currently beyond our pay grade.