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Steam Powered Users' Forums
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This article needs moar pics, Valvedrone stupidity and facts. You can help by adding moar pics, Valvedrone stupidity and facts. |
The Steam Powered Users' Forums, also known as SPUF or SHIT, is a forum made by Valve to give its' fanbois' somewhere to talk and complain about Episode Three and hats. Even though this sounds good at first, it goes to complete hell as soon as you discover that not only are the rules as sane as Putin's antifag state which will get you banned just for talking out against its' almighty moderators. Not only that, but it's full of people using horrible Reddit 9gag memes, ponyfags in the TF2 boards starting up games that amount to "ponyfags vault the Engineer around and write disturbing stories about other users", and an Off-Topic board full of anti-lulz, beginner trolls, Valvedrones too stupid to understand sarcasm and pointless bans. Gabe Newell is a vicious, evil, rich bastard. He really, really is.
Thy Forums Consumed
The forums were opened millenia ago as a way for people to rant about crowbars and suck Marc Laidlaw's e-peen all day inbetween their rare trips to the outdoors due to a new invention that made hat delivery and offline mode much easier. Over time, though, as Valve's own employees realized how bad the forums were, they, like God, abandoned their creation and left the work to "volunteer" mods. They, of course, went batshit crazy with e-power and turned the place from Crowbar Valhalla to Detroit.
Of the many things that happened, the forums gained eighty billion boards for games nobody gives a fuck about, moderators who showboat their ego inbetween out-of-nowhere bans caused by a point-based banning system where one can get twelve points just for the word "fap" (when their limit is 10), a massive amount of idiots and newfags, and mass protests over minor things. Not only that, but all offensive words are automatically replaced with pink hearts when posted, and the word "fanboy" is censored to the weird-assed string of "Hammer legion member".
Due to this, not only do the Valvedrones who sit around waitng for sales on games nobody plays anymore and talk about F2P being bad (even though it really doesn't affect squat outside Valve's servers) hover around while fapping to horrible artwork of Gordon Freeman, but the forums have attracted leftard Reddit 9gag users and ponyfags who post custom ponyshit for TF2 and think "Rage Faces" are still funny while hiding behind the forum's medival lack of avatars and sigs.
All people who attempt to visit this forum must have proper high-level government clearance and a fully-equipped hazmat suit, as the place is heavily contaminated with radioactive AIDS from years of Valvedrones exploding in rage over nothing.
The Typical User
The typical SPUF/SUF/Horseshit user is generally somehow worse than the best of /v/. These users are blatant drones, unwilling to break their idiotic defense of Valve except when Hλlf-Life is mentioned. These are users who will go out of their way to piss all over Call of Duty and call it an interactive movie while praising Dear Esther, a game where you only move around while some narrator talks about a car crash a murder his mental issues fuck-all.
While SPUFags will do all this, their favorite pastime is to report people who they don't agree with as SPUFags aren't quite mature. They will also yell at people for not reading a post somewhere in a 550+ page thread before posting theories because, as you can read, SPUF's motto is "Just Say Nope.avi."
When approaching a SPUFag, do not mention any of th following: Bioware, Gabe's weight, how stupid they really are, politics, Episode Three, or Origin as this will make the fat, stumbling waste of human life yell "NO UR WRONGG" and try to attack with Splash.
The Notable Boards
HL2:E2 - A board that started out as a simple board to talk about a Half-Life expansion when the forum was still half-decent, but has turned into "Angry Crowbar Central" due to protests, Left 4 Dead 2, finding lambdas every four millimeters and Episode 3 (see below)
Team Fortress 2 - The board of nothing but hats, hats, ponyfags, hats, trading hats, bans, paying for hats, hats, newfags who got in after Free 2 P(l)ay started, hats, hats, game balance, hats, and general brain-rotting stupidity... with hats. To no surprise, nope.avi started being used here by the morons of SPUF, as a half-assed trollish response to anything from a reasonable or sensible OP. The board is also considered th entire forum's ponyfag penitentiary.
Portal 2, AKA HL2E2: Electric Boogaloo - The board of nothing but complaining about Valve Time DLC, crappily made user levels and LOLSPACE/WHATELEY, along with embarassing Portal-themed Christmas albums.
Left 4 Dead - What it says on the tin.
Left 4 Dead 2 - Fanbois complaining about moar delayed DLC, Versusfags complaining about why survivors are "overpowered", griefing drama, shitty sequel ideas, L4D1 nostalgiafags missing the good ol' days when they could fap to Zoey's first-person legs and general whining about every update that comes out for a 3-year old game most companies would have stopped supporting by now. This is also where the mass L4D2 Boycott drama-fest took off around the game's release.
Off-Topic - What once was the place to talk about anything but Half-Life 2 when the forum started, is now a complete shithole, often resulting in unfunny Reddit 9gag meme threads (especially "that awkward moment" threads), overhype of non-Steam bullshit, yelling at others for hating Origin (on the Steam Forums, of course), bans for politics (no surprise) and the truly lulzy threads that get wiped in five seconds just so the mods can fill their ban quota for the month.
VAC Discussion - A cesspool of dumbshits who have been banned from CoD/TF2 "for no reason", half the threads are locked here because the modfags have put up with dealing with all the frequent ban appeals. Basically a graveyard of banned CoDfags and free TF2 accounts.
Foreign Boards - All of the above, but in German.
Major Users
- BenHuff - TF2-playing ponyfag whose time on the forums is spent leading herds of ponyfags in circles with "games" made using Team Fortress 2, with disturbing fanfiction about users raping each other. Keep in mind that the mods won't ban someone like him, but you can get "infractions" for spamming these already pointless threads.
- BurtonJ - Power-tripping mod who is known to go around and ban anything remotely like something seen on a normal forum. He's known for his abuse of point-givings and for his zero-tolerance on people talking about Origin because he's afraid that it would turn SPUF into
fanboyHammer Legion Member trench warfare (not like it already isn't). He's also takes the censor dodging rule very seriously, except for saying "5char" to dodge "4chan".
- bluz74 - No-life basement dweller that hangs around in the Off-Topic board everyday making wise-crack puns to gain MAXIMUM E-peen from the community. Many SPUFags say he could cure cancer if his "rep" could be turned into cold, hard cash and used for cancer research, even though he'd most likely buy more Pocky and copies of Half-Life 2.
- Slendy - A troll martyr who started a campaign to mail crowbars to Valve just to either get Episode 3 or to get Gaben to go on Weight Watchers.
- Resistan - Total bro that not only led the HL2:E2 board in circles for a week over a t-shirt, but is also named Gordon A. Freeman. Too bad he's Australian, though, if he wasn't then he'd be Raptor Jesus's right-hand man.
CROWBARS FOR EVERYONE
In late 2011, a lone SPUF user decided that the best way to get Gaben off his fat ass and finish Episode 3 was to bombard Valve with crowbars. No, really. The troll demigod Slendy managed to get hundreds of people to buy and ship crowbars to Valve, and even paint them with care in hopes that St. Fatass soon would be there. Even though the Modzis tried closing the thread three times, Slendy changing how the protest worked (even though the crowbars just kept on mailing and the mods telling people it'd piss Valve off (i.e., infractions all around), Valve didn't care and put tons of shitty $9 Tru Value crowbars right next to a picture of... Portal 2. Meterologists say the BAWWstorm from this is still visible from space.
SPUF on Life Support(?)
A few hours ago, many anons and SPUFags noticed that the Forums link at the top of Steam's store page vanished, right on the heels of Valve's shitty new attempt at integrating a Web 2.0 style forum clone that is now twelve times worse in design that SPUF's caveman-tier layout. Even worse, this lets people see each others' avatars, meaning that this is /v/'s worst nightmare. This, much like Steam's shitty Greenlight and hats, will prove in time whether or not Gaben can shit up his own creation even more than it has been now.
See Also
- Valve
- Captain Gay Beard the overlord of the Hammer Legion
- Steam - the reason this dramatic pile of shit even exists
- Crowbars - these work perfectly fine as hard iron dildos for the fanbois of SPUF to pleasure themsleves with as they're thinking of their savior Gabe N.
- Hat Fortress 2 - SPUF's favorite game
- Nope.avi - YouTube meme spawned from the SPUF
- Trolls Trolling Trolls
External Links
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Steam Powered Users' Forums is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
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Languages and Dialects • Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling, Style, and Usage • Rhetorical Strategies • Poetry •
The Politics of Language and Communication • Media • Visual Rhetoric
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