P90X
P90X or Power 90 Extreme, is an EXTREME TRAINING SYSTEM that will transform your scrawny basement-dwelling frame from a pasty, blob-like mess into a chiseled, hot, pussy-magnet in just ninety days (that's three months, you retard). It's designed to work with the equipment you've already got laying around the house (that you already don't use), so that you don't have to buy anything beyond the DVDs. Sweet, right?
TL;DR:
Yes, 18-year-old, you do have potential.
Billy Mays here in infomercial heaven.
The Program
Here’s what you get with P90X: For the low cost of just $120 you'll receive the following DVDs (or you could always just download them for free).
01 Chest & Back You may recognize these as pull-ups and push-ups. Not surprisingly, you still can't do more than one.
02 Plyometrics Jump around like a fucktard for 45 minutes. Your mom calls this pilates.
03 Shoulders & Arms As frequent masturbation has taken care of these muscle groups, you can skip this disc.
04 Yoga X It's fucking yoga. There's no such thing as extreme yoga. Get over yourself.
05 Legs & Back Squat, lunge, and pull in a total-body workout like no other.
06 Kenpo X Remember Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers? That.
07 X Stretch Was originally named Yoga X part 2.
08 Core Synergistics Fancy words for MORE PULL-UPS.
09 Chest, Shoulders & Triceps Now you can really get some mileage out of your mirror. Sexy is sexy.
10 Back & Biceps You'll make those faggots on teh internets real jellyous.
11 Cardio X Running in place is now Cardio X.
12 Ab Ripper X Drink an incredible six-pack and improve your driving performance.
Plus, get these informative tools:
- 3-Phase Nutrition Plan. Phase 1, stop eating like a fucking pig. Phase 2, stop eating prepackaged bullshit. Phase 3, repeat.
- P90X Fitness Guide. Since 12 DVDs didn't get it through to you, maybe an 8-page fitness guide will.
- How to Bring It Video. Get a quick video overview of the videos on the DVD.
And get these tools to keep you motivated:
- P90X Calendar. Tons of hawt guys showing off their ripped abs just for your inspiration.
- Online Support. You'll have access to Tony and other fitness experts, and peer support from your fellow P90Xers.
Aside from the 12 DVDs, the nutrition plan, the fitness guide and the video recap of the video recaps, you'll need some extra equipment. These include a pull-up bar, a fan, 10-15 lb weights (or some big-ass rubber bands for you real roughnecks), some jack-off gloves, a pair of shoes, a yoga mat, and a Chinese plastic chair from Walmart. If you couldn't tell by this point, this is one professional setup.
Also available (direct from P90X, no less) are these fine products:
- P90X Pull Up Bar - $60, especially formulated for fatties.
- Push Up Stands just $25, but you're a pro.
- Push Up Stand PRO and pro's pay $40.
- Resistance bands a mere $120.
- Yoga Monster Mat - a mere $35 for a piece of foam. Don't balk.
- Manduka Plyo / Yoga Mat is $90.
- P90X® Yoga Blocks just $30.
- T-shirt for just $25. The best part of P90X isn't doing it, but showing everyone IRL that I did.
- P90X Recovery Drink - because there are special magicks that you can't get in juice. Comes in two formulas.
- Peak Health $130 for the 90-day supply.
- Peak Recovery $130 for the 90-day supply.
- Protein bars! Just $25 for 12.
- P90X Plus - send more money and we'll make it even MORE INTENSE or something.
But wait... you don't have to buy any extra equipment. We do, however recommend that you do. Not to worry, though, that you don't have an extra thousand dollars laying about - just join up once you've finished the program and become a trainer! It's not only the best workout system evar, it's a job opportunity. That's right, fattie! You can make money while you work out. Just try us!
—pinkdumbells.com | ||
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Videos
This guy admits they're a scam.
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tl;dr It's a Ponzi scheme. Get out early and you're fine.
This dude is all over it - fired the fuck up and swallowed it hook, line and sinker. Now he's ready to PUMP YOU UP! Take notice of the exotic (patent-pending) exercises such as the push-up.
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HOLY SHIT. PUSHUPS.
Muscle confusion? Moar liek journalistic confusion. Is this an ad or the news?
Forums
The official forums, fun to be had by all. Well, some.
Most other groups focused on health and working out see P90X as the cancer that is killing fitness and as such can be properly trolled with it. Iron Magazine (must be a bitch to ship those) has very friendly forums. Drop in and tell them how great P90X has been to you and how everyone should drop $1000 on it straight away.
See Also
External Links
- Official site
- Blog more. P90X creator's blogspot page.
- Twatter
- Slight criticism by an ex-employee.
- The Better Business Bureau has some funny comments.
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