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BILLY MAYS
Hi, Billy Mays here, to tell you all about myself in my own article, here on good old Encyclopedia Dramatica.
Billy Mays used to be an American Hero famous for his TV sales pitches that sold generations of outstanding citizens a wide range of ass-kicking products and for knowing how to live life to the fullest. You probably knew Billy Mays as that guy in the blue shirt that was always screaming at you about the awesomeness of his products from behind your television screen during infomercials, thus intimidating you into calling in and purchasing something you didn't actually need. It is this unnerving high pitched squealing that has earned him Consumerama's "Naked Mole Rats of Marketing Award" in the lulzy field of "Shameless Consumer Abuse". Shortly before his death, he starred in a TV show called Pitchmen, about his career. Before Mays's death he was building a new house, a house that would be his own personal Xanadu, which included a five car garage filled with his favorite white powder (And no, I don't mean Oxyclean!) The house is now owned and operated by his widow, and is located on Lake Robinson in Greer: Greenville, SC, 29550
In addition to his work in marketing some of the baddest household cleaning/maintenance shit the world has ever seen, Mays was also an early pioneer and expert in the field of EXTREME ADVERTISING, due to his aggressive marketing style and unexplainable need to always speak in ALL CAPS. He was additionally somewhat notable for looking like a bear but was "not gay" according to TOW.
—And that's from fucking Wikipedia so you know it's true. - TOW |
Billy Mays died just days after Michael Jackson, also from a heart attack, at the same age of 50. This was most likely Kira's doing, because he is a fucking egotistical bastard.
TYPICAL INFOMERCIAL
BILLY MAYS WAS NOT INVOLVED WITH THE KU KLUX KLAN, BUT HE WAS STILL A NIGGER STOMPER AND USUALLY CAPTURED HIS AUDIENCE'S ATTENTION BY BUSTING ON TO THE SET OF THE INFOMERCIAL LIKE A BUTTHURTING KOOL-AID MAN ON CRACK AND BEGAN YELLING ABOUT THE AMAZING POWER OF WHATEVER RANDOM GIZMO HE HAPPENED TO BE PEDDLING THAT DAY. THOSE VIEWERS WHO HADN'T SUFFERED SHOCK-INDUCED HEART ATTACKS OR FLED THE ROOM IN TERROR WERE NOW COMPLETELY ENAMORED BY BILLY MAYS' MARKETING PITCH. MAYS THEN WENT ON TO DEMONSTRATE HOW ASTOUNDING HIS PRODUCT WAS AND HOW YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY GO ABOUT YOUR PATHETIC EXISTENCE WITHOUT IT. HE ACCOMPLISHED THIS THROUGH MANY MEANS, HIS DEAFENING VOCAL STYLE BEING ONE OF THEM. MAYS ALSO RESORTED TO STRINGING TOGETHER A BUNCH OF NURSERY SCHOOL RHYMES ABOUT THE PRODUCT (HE WAS PROBABLY THE ONLY GROWN MAN WHO COULD GET AWAY WITH THIS) OR THROWING TOGETHER OVER-ELABORATE “PRACTICAL” DEMONSTRATIONS AND SHOWING HOW HIS PRODUCT COULD OVERCOME THEM WITH EASE. NIGGERS NEVER REALLY CAUGHT ON.
FOR INSTANCE, SAY MAYS WAS MARKETING A CARPET CLEANER; FOR A DEMO HE WOULD BUST INTO YOUR HOUSE AND SPILL A JUG OF RED WINE AND A BUCKET OF SHEEP'S BLOOD ON YOUR CARPET, THEN PISS ON IT JUST FOR GOOD MEASURE. HE'D THEN BREAK OUT THE ZORBEEZ!. AND LIKE MAGIC, THAT STAIN HAD ITS ASS HANDED TO IT ON A PLATTER. BUT BEFORE LEAVING WITH JUST A SIMPLE GOODBYE AND A PHONE NUMBER, BILLY MAYS WOULD CONTINUE HIS ASSAULT ON YOUR AUDITORY SENSES AND PROMISE TO SEXTUPLE THE OFFER FOR FREE!!!!! AND HE'D EVEN THROW IN SOME MIGHTY PUTTY, A COUPLE HERULES HOOKS, AN AWESOME AUGER, AND A HANDJOB, ALL FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF ONLY $19.95 - BUT ONLY IF YOU CALL WITHIN THE NEXT 30 SECONDS!
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T FILM THESE THINGS AHEAD OF TIME AND RUN THEM CONTINUOUSLY, YOU KNOW.
TRIBUTE AND INFORMATIONAL VIDEOS
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BILLY MAYS AND THE INTERNET
WHEN BILLY MAYS WAS NOT SCAMMING PEOPLE OUT OF MONEY, YELLING AT RANDOM STRANGERS, OR INSULTING YOUR MASCULINITY, HE COULD BE FOUND LURKING THE INTERNET. DUE TO MAYS' REPUTATION FOR BEING THE LOUDEST SALESPERSON ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET, HE HAS GAINED QUITE A BIT OF POPULARITY HERE ON THE INTERNETS.
BILLY MAYS CAN STILL BE FOUND SHOUTING ON A WIDE VARIETY OF WEBSITES FROM THE GRAVE, AS HE HAS BEEN A RECURRING MEME FOR YEARS ON SUCH SITES AS YTMND, YOUTUBE, AND EVERYWHERE IN BETWEEN. IN ADDITION, MANY YOUTUBERS HAVE CREATED PARODIES AND TRIBUTES TO MAYS, BUT THEY'RE ALL PAINFULLY UNFUNNY, BECAUSE THE CREATORS FAIL TO REALIZE THAT YOU CANNOT BEAT PERFECTION.
MAYS HAS GAINED A NOTABLE AMOUNT OF ATTENTION FROM 4CHAN, AS WELL, AND HE IS OFTEN USED IN THE MAKING OF COPYPASTA. FOR INSTANCE:
HI /b/, DISREGARD RULES 1 AND 2 BECAUSE... BILLY MAYS HERE FOR OXI-CLEAN. I'VE HEARD A LOT OF SHIT ABOUT THIS PALMOLIVE BULLSHIT, AND I'M HERE TO CLEAR ALL THAT UP. YOU FUCKING NIGGERS KNOW THAT OXI-CLEAN WILL TAKE THE HAIR RIGHT OFF YOUR DOG'S BALLS AND ASS, LEAVING THE SKIN FRESH AND KISSABLE. OXI-CLEAN MAKES UGLY BITCHES DO-ABLE, AND I PERSONALLY PUT TWO SCOOPS IN MY COFFEE EVERY MORNING.
IN CONCLUSION, FUCK YOU. FUCK THAT OLD BITCH. FUCK PALMOLIVE.
BILLY MAYS IS THE PRIMARY CONTENDER TO GEORGE ZIMMER'S THRONE OF ALL CAPS COPYPASTA RANTS, AND THE CHANNERS OFTEN ROLEPLAY THE TWO ENGAGING IN EPIC BATTLES OF WIT AND MANLINESS, USUALLY TO VERY LULZY EFFECTS. MAYS GAINED EVEN HIGHER STANDING AMONGST THE /B/TARDS WHEN, IN JUNE 2008, A VERY DELICIOUS PIECE OF COPYPASTA WAS MADE IN HONOR OF MR. MAYS:
HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH KABOOM. DO YOU HAVE LOTS OF DIRTY SHIT IN YOUR HOUSE THAT NEEDS ALL CLEANED UP? THEN BUY SOME OF THIS GODDAMN KABOOM. THIS SHIT COULD CLEAN THE WARTS OFF YOUR SISTER'S VAGINA. YOU CAN PUT SOME KABOOM ON YOUR DICK, AND IT'LL GROW THREE INCHES. FUCK.
IN A FEW MINUTES, THERE WILL BE A GODDAMN NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN. CALL THAT SHIT AND BUY SIX JUGS OF THIS FUCKING KABOOM AND WE'LL THROW IN A SAMURAI SHARK AND SOME GODDAMN ZORBEEZ. WHAT ARE ZORBEEZ? YOU BEST BE JOKING, NIGGER. THOSE FUCKING TOWELS CAN SOAK UP LIKE A GALLON APIECE. YOU'LL PROBABLY NEED THEM AFTER YOU SHARPEN YOUR FUCKING SCISSORS WITH THE SAMURAI SHARK. BECAUSE YOU'LL SIMULTANEOUSLY SHIT, PISS, AND EJACULATE IN YOUR PANTS. HOW DO YOU PISS AND EJACULATE AT THE SAME TIME? FUCK YOU, THAT'S HOW. CALL ME NOW AND I'LL STOP YELLING. NEVERMIND, I CAN'T STOP SO FUCK YOU. I'M GONNA GO JACK OFF WITH SOME ORANGE-GLO SO PEACE OUT NIGGERS.
SO CALL 1-800-781-7529 NOW AND TELL THEM BILLY MAYS SENT YOU
THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS 1-800-781-7529
THATS ONE EIGHT ZERO ZERO SEVEN EIGHT ONE SEVEN FIVE TWO NINE
CALL NAO!
THE ABOVE PIECE OF WRITING REPRESENTS THE CULMINATION OF MAYS' LIFE WORK AND IS A PRIME EXAMPLE OF HIS EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF EXTREME ADVERTISING. WE SALUTE YOU, BILLY MAYS.
THE ABOVE COPYPASTA HAS ALSO BEEN APPLIED TO OTHER THINGS, SUCH AS:
Nutella:
HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH NUTELLA. DO YOU HAVE LOTS OF UNTOPPED BREAD IN YOUR HOUSE THAT NEEDS SOME SMEARING UP? THEN BUY SOME OF THIS GODDAMN NUTELLA. THIS SHIT COULD CLEAN THE UNTASTEFULNESS OFF YOUR SISTER'S VAGINA. YOU CAN PUT SOME NUTELLA ON YOUR DICK, AND IT'LL GROW THREE INCHES. FUCK.
IN A FEW MINUTES, THERE WILL BE A GODDAMN NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN. CALL THAT SHIT AND BUY SIX CANSOF THIS FUCKING NUTELLA AND WE'LL THROW IN A SAMURAI SHARK AND SOME GODDAMN POCKY. WHAT ARE POCKY? YOU BEST BE JOKING, NIGGER. THOSE FUCKING "CANDIES" CAN MAKE LIKE A BILLION WEEABOOS BE EVEN GAYER. YOU'LL PROBABLY NEED THEM AFTER YOU FUCK YOUR FUCKING SISTER WITH THE POCKY. BECAUSE YOU'LL SIMULTANEOUSLY SHIT, PISS, AND EJACULATE IN YOUR PANTS. HOW DO YOU PISS AND EJACULATE AT THE SAME TIME? FUCK YOU, THAT'S HOW. CALL ME NOW AND I'LL STOP YELLING. NEVERMIND, I CAN'T STOP SO FUCK YOU. I'M GONNA GO JACK OFF WITH SOME ORANGE-GLO SO PEACE OUT NIGGERS.
SO CALL 1-800-781-7529 NOW AND TELL THEM BILLY MAYS SENT YOU
THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS 1-800-781-7529
THATS ONE EIGHT ZERO ZERO SEVEN EIGHT ONE SEVEN FIVE OVER 9000 NINE
CALL NAO! NEVAAA!!!!11ELEVEN1ONE1!
AND UNDERAGE GIRLS:
HEY GUYS, IT'S BILLY MAYS HERE WITH UNDERAGE GIRLS. ARE YOU TIRED OF SECOND HAND VAGINA AND LOOSE PUSSY? THEN FUCKING GET SOME OF THIS UNDERAGE GIRLS. THIS JAILBAIT'S BIRTH CANAL IS SO TIGHT IT CAN TURN A FIVE POUND BAG OF SPUDS INTO MASHED POTATO'S. THIS SHIT IS SO FRESH THAT NOT EVEN FUCKING A LOAF OF BREAD FEELS THIS GOOD. THESE GIRLS ARE SO FLAT THAT THEIR FUCKING NIPPLES LOOK LIKE SOMEONE DREW THEM UP ON CRAYONS. THEY'RE NIPPLERS ARE AS FUCKING HARD AS MIGHTY PUTTY! FUCK!
IN A FEW MINUTES, I'M GOING TO WRITE NUMBERS ON THESE GIRLS BREASTLESS TITS. HOW CAN I DO THAT? FUCK YOU, THAT'S HOW. CALL THIS NUMBER IN FIVE MINUTES AND WE'LL THROW IN A FUCKING SACK OF ORGASMING GOPHERS! HOW THE FUCK DID WE GET ORGASMING GOPHERS? WE SHOWED THEM FUCKING PAMELA ANDERSON WEARING A PETA SHIRT YOU NIGGER. CALL IN ONE MINUTE AND WE'LL ALSO THROW IN SOME FUCKING KABOOM SO YOU CAN CLEAN OUT THOSE BITCHES VAGINA SO YOU CAN USE THEM OVER AND OVER...AND IT'LL SMELL LIKE A FUCKING PINESOL. IT'S LIKE HAVING SEX WITH EVERY TREE IN A FOREST AT THE SAME TIME. IT'S LIKE FUCKING A HALLOWED OUT PINECONE WHILE LISTENING TO DREAM THEATER.
I'M WRITING THIS FUCKING NUMBER NOW, SO CALL THIS SHIT AND ORDER THESE GOD DAMNED PUBELESS FUCKS. WE'LL GET YOUR SHIT, AND WITHIN TWO WEEKS YOU'LL HAVE A BOX ON YOUR DOORSTEP. IF YOUR NEIGHBORS ASK WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THE BOX TELL THEM BILLY MAYS SENT IT AND TO SHUT THEIR FUCKING VAGINAMOUTHS OR ELSE YOU'LL SHOVE AN EIGHTEEN FOOT LIZARD UP THEIR ASS. THAT'S A BIG FUCKING CROCODILE, YOU IGNORANT FUCK!
FUCK THIS PERMANENT MARKER IS OUT OF INK AND I DON'T WANT TO STARE AT GIRLS CHESTS ANYMORE. IT'S LIKE I'M LOOKING AT A SHIRTLESS EIGHT YEAR OLD ASIAN BOY. FUCK WE SELL THAT TOO.
SO CALL 1-800-781-7529 NOW AND TELL THEM BILLY MAYS SENT YOU
THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS 1-800-781-7529
THAT'S ONE EIGHT ZERO ZERO SEVEN EIGHT ONE SEVEN FIVE TWO NINE
CALL NOW!
WHAT THE INTERNETS ARE SAYING
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BILLY MAYS AND FORUM FREAKS
—Wild Starchild |
GOODNIGHT SWEET PRINCE
ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END. IN TRAGIC FASHION, THE LAST LIFE TO END IN THIS TRAGIC WEEK HAS BEEN THE LIFE OF A LEGEND. A TRULY EPIC PERSON WHOSE PRESENCE IN THIS WORLD BROUGHT US VALUABLE INFORMATION ABOUT CUTTING-EDGE HOUSE CLEANING TECHNOLOGIES. ON SATURDAY, THE 27TH OF JUNE OF 2009, BILLY MAYS HAD JUST FINISHED SHOOTING A BRAND NEW OXI-CLEAN INFOMERCIAL IN THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE, PHILTHADELPHIA. ON THE RETURN FLIGHT TO HIS HOME IN FLORIDA, THE AIRPLANE SUFFERED A BLOWN TIRE UPON LANDING AND SKULLFUCKED EVERYONE. BILLY WAS STRUCK IN THE HEAD BY FLYING LUGGAGE.
—BILLY MAYS |
LATER THAT EVENING, HE WAS SEEN FUNCTIONING WELL, EVEN DISCUSSING THE LATEST SELL-A-THON AGAINST THAT GERMAN NANCY WITH HIS FATHER-IN-LAW AND SNORTING BLOW OFF OF TOP OF A BOTTLE OF ORANGE-GLO. ULTIMATELY, LATER THAT NIGHT, BILLY MAYS SUCCUMBED TO THE VOID. IN THE MORNING, HE WAS FOUND DEAD, WITH HIS TONGUE HANGING OUT, AND A NOTE IN HIS HAND SAYING "BILLY MAYS HERE. NIGGA STOLE MY ATTENTION!!!!!!!".
BILLY MAYS DAY
Founded on the day of his death, June 28th 2009, Billy Mays day has quickly grown to a worldwide phenomenon celebrating the life of the TV pitchman star.
Annually, to show respect for the greatest infomercial personality of all time, internet followers celebrate this day by typing completely in capital letters all day, emulating the booming voice of the beloved pitchman. It is also celebrated and recognized internationally by some on the 4th of July every year since 2009.
/b/illy
In honor of the first MAYSDAY, celebrated on Monday, June 29th 2009, Moot changed the name of /b/ to "/b/ILLY MAYS". There was much rejoicing. Yes there was....
Community's Response
The most talked about topic on the whole of Twitter on this day led to the creation of the "ALLCAPSFORBILLY Group", spreading the word about Billy Mays Day. Popstar/pedophile Michael Jackson's passing was fortunately overshadowed by the death of the world's most famous and adored TV pitchman only 3 days after the same thing at the same age of death.
RULES ABOUT MAYS
DUE TO HIS MANY CONTRIBUTIONS IN THE FIELD OF LULZ, BILLY IS OFTEN QUOTED ON THE INTERNET. HOWEVER, THERE ARE RULES:
- NO COCAINE MENTIONS. THERE ARE BETTER PEOPLE FOR THAT, SUCH AS DR. ROCKSO, OR AMY WINEHOUSE. MAYS WAS NOT LULZY BECAUSE OF COCAINE.
- ALL THREAD TITLES, BLOG HEADERS, FARK HEADLINES, OR SHOOPS MENTIONING OR RELATING TO MAYS MUST BE IN ALL CAPS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
- ALL REPLIES TO MAYS THREADS MUST BE TYPED IN ALL CAPS.
- FOR BOUNS POINTS AND EXTRA CONFORMITY WITH THESE RULES, DO NOT ALLOW ANY LOWERCASE TEXT TO BE FOUND ANYWHERE IN YOUR POST. FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOUR POST HAS A PICTURE IN IT, AND THAT PICTURE CONTAINS TEXT THAT IS IN LOWER CASE, SHOOP IT SO THAT THE TEXT IS IN ALL CAPS.
- EVEN IF THE THREAD ITSELF DOES NOT PERTAIN TO MAYS, ANY POSTS MADE IN NON-RELATED MAYS THREADS THAT MAKE REFERENCES TO MAYS IN THE POST ITSELF MUST BE TYPED IN CAPS. FURTHERMORE, ANY POSTS REPLYING TO THAT POST MUST AGAIN BE IN ALL CAPS.
- FAILURE TO DO SO IS PUNISHED BY CURBSTOMPING, SO THAT YOUR WHORE MOUTH REMAINS SHUT WHILE BILLY MAYS IS TALKING.
Sainthood
On the night of August the 5th a post was started by a /b/tard to honor dear Billy by moving him into the official rank of Patron Saint of Holy Relics and Amazing Offers. He was honored and all was good. Much cocaine was snorted, and many heart attacks were to be had.
Other Theories
Others postulate that, rather than simply dying, Billy Mays ascended to Godhood among the other 4 Chaos Gods. He is now the God of Salesmen.
He sold stress balls to Khorne.
He sold skin conditioner to Nurgle.
He sold Enzyte to Slaanesh.
He sold a Magic 8-Ball to Tzeentch.
In the Name of Mays, go forth and sell bargain-priced stuff! AND DO IT WITH STYLE!
Tributes
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Links
Gallery
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BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THE GROOM STONE RIP AND COMB YOUR HAIR
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MOURN CORRECTLY
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How the fuck else did you think he did it?
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BILLY MAYS HERE FOR OH FUCK!
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Billy Mays is not amused with your faggotry.
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All done on paint, took fucking hours but the result shows what you can achieve with hard work.
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This article is Billy Mays approved.
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If you don't buy his shit, he'll blast your nuts off!
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But Billy was no match for Vince.
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Billy Mays approves beating up the Vince.
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Billy Mays gets all the ladies.
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Billy Mays should not be confused with Al Borland, of Tool Time fame.
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He was an legend.
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He couldn't handle the fucking power of Oxi-Clean.
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Oh exploitable. "With Confidence."
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Took about 10 minutes, 5 in MS Paint. This is what the book should really be about.
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Bitches donno I look like Pedobear either!
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You'd better listen to him.
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Don't think he won't!
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BUY IT NAO CUZ ITS OMFG AWESOME
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Only one thumb up?The other is currently brown. -
Billy Mays, pictured here with his family.
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Now your desktop will never be dirty with the stain fighting power of an Oxi-Clean wallpaper.
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Awesome Beards FTW!!!
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Billy Mays fucked Vince's world.
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His finest hour.
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Or we could try a more natural solution...
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That bat was made in germany, you know the germans make good stuff.
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Anonymous love billy
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A FINE TRIBUTE TO A GREAT MAN.
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Build your own Billy Mays tribute cube
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How else did you think he did it?
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AHAH!
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Billy Mays once sold this thread to ED
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HE LIVES
See Also
- ALL CAPS
- Cillit Bang
- Copypasta
- CWCVille - Billy Mays was mayor of this fine city for a time, before he was deposed by Christian Weston Chandler
- EXTREME ADVERTISING
- EXTREME ANIMALS
- Font size=5
- George Zimmer
- Shamwow
- Wise Beard Man
External Links
- b/490/oxi-clean: Billy Mays vs. George Zimmer
Billy Mays Picture Pack on rapidshit-Use to spam copypasta.BALEETED!- Billy Mays on YTMND
- HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH FORMSPRING
- Billy Mays Insane Tribute Site
Britfag-Gay version of Mayson 7chan- BALEETED!- Billy Mays tribute page on blogspot - Lots of delicious copypasta
- His own TV show - Prepare to have your ears bleed.
Actual Infomercials
- Awesome Auger
- Big City Slider
- Ding King
- Hercules Hooks
- iCan Health Insurance
- KABOOM!
- Mighty Mendit
- Mighty Putty
- Orange Glo
- Oxi Clean detergent
- Samurai Shark
- Sandstrom OnTV - an actual store to buy all the shit he tries to sell on TV
- Steam Buddy
- Zorbeez
User-made Videos
BILLY MAYS is part of a series on Visit the Memes Portal for complete coverage. |
BILLY MAYS is part of a series on Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage. |
Featured article June 23, 2008 | ||
Preceded by Pedofox |
Billy Mays | Succeeded by Rangerphile |