Ngage

The taco in question

The Nokia N-gage was a tasty Taco treat that was developed by Nokia meant to be an Gameboy Advance with an cell phone, but somehow morphed into the crappiest hand held games console ever made. It was big, cumbersome and gay (also known as N-GAYge). Nintendo fanboys laughed at it because it did not have 50 editions of Pokemon. Sony fanfags laughed at it because it didn't have a 1000 Gigaflop processor and a crappy proprietary disc format. Everyone else laughed it because it merged the worst of both worlds, combining a shit games console with a shit mobile phone. It got positively spanked and outsold by Nintendo's Gameboy Advance, Sony's PSP, Connect 4 and masturbation. It is truly a Finnish FAIL.

Hardware

The N-Gage possessed amazing hardware features, like the ability to send SMS, had an FM Radio built in and even an MP3 player! The MP3's were stored on the MMC card, and being the poorer cousin to the SD card, this meant you could store your favourite 2 songs on there. That equates to roughly 5 seconds of FLAC, but the N-Gage was too crappy to support such a retarded format. Hey, the N-Gage could even make phone calls, not that the typical N-GAYger had a life outside of their parents basement anyway.

Games

You're better off playing with this.

The line up of N-Gage games consists of either lazy ports of crap games or pure Vapor-ware. A typical port, such as gems like Pandemonium! and Puzzle Bobble VS, required the developer to rape the viewable playing area of the game to suit the N-Gage's skinny vertical screen, and then cut the game down so it can fit on an MMC card. Since nobody bought an N-Gage, no one knows for sure if the games actually sucked.

Sidetalk

Moderately amusing joke spawned by N-Gage

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Where it failed

The N-Gage failed because it sucked as both a phone and a games console. The boffins in the lab that designed the unit so that the ear piece and microphone were located ON THE SIDE. This meant the people who actually made phone calls on this piece of crap had to contend with looking like a dickhead while talking on the phone, or at the very best, appear to have some freaky glowing fetal growth coming out of their ear.

It failed as a game console for a number of reasons, mainly because the games sucked and a lot of others promised simply never turned up. The display had the width of an anorexic freak, and therefore the viewing area was either extremely restricted and shrunk down to nothing so you can see past the characters shoulders. Changing the games was a laborious affair. Normally, the player simply hatches open a tray/ cover/ compartment and quickly swap the media goodness contained whithin. On the N-Gage, the user had to switch the whole damn thing off, remove the back cover, remove the battery, avoid the snapping alligators and jump the rolling logs to get the game card. After doing the whole ordeal again in reverse, the user was greeted with the N-Gage demanding what the time and date is since the battery was removed. This entire string of fails coupled with the ridiculous asking price guaranteed the N-Gage would crash and burn like the Hindenberg.

The fall out

Nokia quickly spun lies about how it sold 400,000 units in the first two weeks, and scrambled to rush the somewhat less crappier QD to market within months. Retailers offloaded their stock for a loss, and buried whatever N-Gage's were left in the New Mexico desert along with E.T. for the 2600. Developers who quickly came to witness the spectacular FAIL that the N-Gage is, quickly shelved their plans for any games for the platform and fled the sinking ship like dirty rats.

Today, people can expect to the see the N-Gage in the wild being used as a paperweight, door wedge or a dildo.

See also

• PSP
• Nintendo DS

External Links

• Side talk

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