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Bill Schmalfeldt

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BREAKING NEWS!!
On September 23rd, 2016, an Illinois Federal Court bitchslapped Dumbfuck Bill Schmalfeldt by DISMISSING his latest shitty LOLSUIT!!! Link to the court's LULZy Decision!
This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT BILL SCHMALFELDT BITCHSLAPPED WITH LOLSUIT IN MARYLAND CIVIL COURT (archive)!!!1
This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT PedoBear BILL SCHMALFELDT HIT WITH RESTRAINING ORDER BY 3-YEAR-OLD!!!!!!! (archive)!!!1
Bill Schmalfeldt: Internet Tough Guy
Want to be fat and bloated in 30 days? Just follow the Bill Schmalfeldt Butthurt Emo diet: booze for breakfast, lunch, dinner! (hic!)

Who Is Bill Schmalfeldt?

Bill Schmalfeldt...who pisses himself when confronted in real life.

In his mind, Bill Schmalfeldt is an Internet Tough Guy. In reality, Bill Schmalfeldt is a drunk bloated pedobear troll whose style of harassing people who mock him has landed himself in a whole heap of legal trouble and made him one of the more entertaining internet lolcows. His stupidity guarantees that he'll always fuck up...and that same stupidity ensures he will be unable to admit he fucked up, resulting in a feedback loop of lulz, at least until he dies.

What Does Bill Schmalfeldt Do?

Since Schmalfeldt claims to be disabled, one thing he does NOT do is actually work. This leaves his useless ass plenty of time to indulge his perversions, stalk and harass people (and their small children), and be an all-around waste of society's resources.

Blackout Drinking

Bill Schmalfeldt prepares to write another blog. HIC!

Schmalfeldt's penchant for Johnnie Walker Red is common Internet knowledge (archive). (At 4200 calories per bottle, this all but certifies that Bill will remain a bloated, laughable fuck indefinitely.)

Collecting Restraining Orders

Bill Schmalfeldt's drunk tantrums even spook Clippy

Drunk people do dumb shit. Psychotic people do crazy shit. So obviously, Bill Schmalfeldt has done some dumb crazy shit which has caught the attention of the authorities. Despite this, Bill still hasn't learned that stalking, harassing and DOXing people is kind of illegal.

To date, Bill has been hit with 9 restraining orders in 6 states, including:

Schmalfeldt also enhanced his PedoBear profile by being barred from harassing a 3-year-old child.

Before fleeing to Wisconsin in 2015, Bill Schmalfeldt (alias "Cabin Boy" and "Dumbfuck" was a frequent defendant in the Maryland Courts. He also has racked up restraining orders in a half-dozen states.

Cub Scout CP

Bill thinks we're as fascinated by his pustulent feces as he is.
   
“ 		 
Be proud of the filth in your head
  		„
  		 

—--Bill Schmalfeldt

In the interest of taste, we won't dwell too much on how Bill got the banhammer at Daily Kos. Let's just say it involved Schmalfeldt's fascination with anal rape and Cub Scouts. 'Nuff said.

A few months after getting booted from Daily Kos, Schmalfeldt tried to sneak back on under an alias, only to get banhammered again for cyberstalking and harassment.

In 2015, Microsoft dumped Bill Schmalfeldt's Outlook email account, following an investigation which found that Schmalfeldt had used his account for "illegal activity, to spread malware or to view/distribute CP"

Coprophilia

   
“ 		 
I think I really, really need to go poo-poo, but the meat seems to be blocking progress down there. Maybe a cheeseburger would push everything through?
  		„
  		 

—--Bill Schmalfeldt, May 24, 2010

Gail Schmalfeldt bitchslaps Bill from the grave.
Gail Schmalfeldt bitchslaps Bill AGAIN from the grave.

Bill Schmalfeldt's fascination with "pooty holes" (usually those of children) and his own feces is some pretty sick shit. Only someone drunk and/or stupid would BLOG about that shit, right?

   
“ 		 
I made my way to the bathroom to assess the damage. Let’s just say it was moderate. My brain eventually realized what my bottom was doing and managed to close the barn door after only SOME of the horses had gotten out. Unfortunately, some of those horses had made their way up the back of my Depends where they soiled my underpants and the shorts I was wearing. My shirt was spared. I got everything all cleaned up, the unfortunate adult diaper was bagged and tossed into the trash, the soiled clothing was dropped into the wash, I put on a new Depends, new shorts, and some long pajama pants. I was a MESSY little baby.
  		„
  		 

—--Bill Schmalfeldt blogs about shitting himself

MOAR exciting adventures of Bill Schmalfeldt shitting himself can be found ***HERE!***

Cursing Out His Catholic Jailers: Canticle and Juniper Courts

Welcome to Canticle and Juniper Courts in St. Francis, Wisconsin! They accept Section 8 housing vouchers, obviously (since how ELSE would a lazy fatass like Bill Schmalfeldt get housing anywhere?!)

It's also managed by the local Catholic diocese, which is pretty funny, once you know Schmalfeldt's background blogging pedo and misogynist shit:

   
“ 		 
The stupid people one satirizes are generally too stupid to get that they are being lampooned. It's like in a fight when you slam your opponent between the eyes with a two by four, and they stand there blinking. The brain knows something just happened. It just doesn't know what.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt 11 Mar 2016 who amusingly calls other people "stupid"...when HE is the one who got his ass kicked in court by a 3-year-old

   
“ 		 
Whose MARRIAGE am I meddling in, you diseased, smegma caked dick?
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt 21 Feb 2016, being his typical vile self.

   
“ 		 
She just couldn't fucking do it. So much for her wanting peace. I'm not "bargaining" with the evil twat. I was offering her a way out.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 20 Feb 2016.

   
“ 		 
And some sick-ass mother fucker sends me this. HOW CAN YOU CLAIM THE MORAL HIGH GROUND when you do this shit?
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 20 Feb 2016, ensuring that people will send him MOAR of that shit for the lulz

   
“ 		 
Ye torrents roar Ye tempests howl! Your wrath outpour With angry growl! Do ye your worst, my vengeance call Shall rise triumphant over all!
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 29 Nov 2015, quoting the Mikado, which gives Bill Schmalfeldt fuzzy memories of that tranny he fucked on a stage in Japan srsly!

   
“ 		 
Now, let me slip into my HAZMAT suit so you can give us a cuddle, and then off to beddy-bye, you adorable psychotic gash.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt 13 Nov 2015

   
“ 		 
Here's what I'd like you to do before the end of the weekend, Pabs. Reach down into your throat until your hand comes out your stinking ass, grab one of your dingleberry encrusted ass hairs and pull yourself inside out.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 20 May 2015, who wonders how he ended up with NINE restraining orders....

   
“ 		 
Given that I have stage IV Parkinson's disease, and it is affecting not just my body but my mind in the form of executive functioning and impulse/emotional control, I thought I could plea Not Guilty by Reason of Diminished Mental Capacity. Judge Ellinghaus-Jones told me that meant the trial would stop, I would be taken to a state mental facility to determine if I could tell the difference between right and wrong. I decided to drop the idea and gave a straight not guilty.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, April 2015, trying to evade responsibility for his criminal behavior by playing the "But I'm A Retard!"-Card

   
“ 		 
Have a nice weekend, boys. Ya went and pissed off a guy with PD Dementia. Who knows what'll happen? I sure don't.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 10 Oct 2014, trying to play the "I'm a psycho, so you better not make me MAD!"-Card

   
“ 		 
You clever boys had me pegged. I am just so stupid, that I am going to stumble into the court and totally fuck myself over.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 13 Oct 2013, who has a habit of stumbling into courts and totally fucking himself over.

   
“ 		 
Just wondering if the adulterous slut @cgable63 would like to take a moment from her ass kissing of the #DallasDimwit to tell her kids that their grandma died.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 8 March 2013, tweeting to his ex-wife that her mother-in-law died

   
“ 		 
I am just thinking you might consider taking a 72 hour break from sucking Stranny dick to honor my mother
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 8 March 2013, turning on the charm to request a favor

   
“ 		 
That cunt would smother her mom and eat her corpse
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 6 March 2013

   
“ 		 
How many heterosexual men reading this diary right now have never asked their wife or girlfriend to just take a deep breath, relax, "I'll just put in the tip and we'll see how it goes," and then you ram it home like Captain Kidd jamming his sword back into his scabbard while she hollers "takeitouttakeitouttakeitout" and you tell her to just relax and it won't hurt so bad and she starts kicking and screaming "takeitOUTtakeitOUTtakeitOUT youfuckingbastardpieceofshit" and you finally do (because the walls are thin and your neighbors just LOVE calling the cops) and you tell her she should have at least given herself a chance to relax and enjoy it and she (if she's your wife) doesn't let you anywhere near her with "that thing" for weeks and if she's your girlfriend she stops returning your calls?
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 18 May 2012, describing the fun he has anally raping the womens.

   
“ 		 
Any time I've been in a bar fight, I'm generally the guy standing. I can't do it physically any more, but if you dipshits really want to go to court with me, BRING IT. And send me pictures of your homes, because they will be mine. And your wives. They'll be mine, too. Everything you own. Mine. Anything else you want to talk about, dickface?
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, Internet Tough Guy, 2012

   
“ 		 
How about we find out where you are staying and rape YOU? Of course, no one would actually DO that, for fear of getting genital warts from your filthy, unwashed, unwiped ass. How many men do you figure it would take to hold you down, Stranny. I bet one could do it.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 2012, who wonders how he ended up with Restraining Orders against him in 6 States (and counting...)

   
“ 		 
Nobody wishes any harm to @stranahn's wife. Being married to a cunt is hard enough on the poor girl
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, 27 August 2012.

   
“ 		 
I had a stroke near the inferior frontal gyrus on the left three weeks ago today, but it was a minor one and I'm already getting better.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, Nov 18, 2011, trying to claim that his brain is not massively fucked up.

   
“ 		 
I'm not shy about self-promotion. I've used my own blog as well as this one on Technorati to tell you about my quest. I've spent EASILY over $1,000 of my own money to promote these books with press releases, SEO tools, and other such self-promotional expenses.And in the year that has gone by, you could count the number of books I've sold on two hands. You don't NEED hands to count the Zazzle products I've sold. Zero doesn't REQUIRE a digit.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, Oct 6, 2011, admitting he is an attention whore (and an epic fail at it).

   
“ 		 
We’re in Milwaukee and having a wonderful time… even though I had an embarrassing moment...I — uh — had a repeat of a previous gastrointestinal incident that I wrote about yesterday. This time, it soaked through the pants and into the chair I was sitting on… something every adult child dreams of. Poopin’ on one of Mom’s chairs.
  		„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt, Apr 17 2010, blogging about shitting himself. again.

Previous Quote | Next Quote

On the other hand, given the Catholics' tight relationship with misogynists and pedophiles, Bill Schmalfeldt must fit in there pretty darn well!

Lolsuits

What do you do when you're a bloated drunk pedobear with homosexual tendencies and the Internet won't stop laughing at your tough-guy routine and pounding you with butthurt?

FILE A LOLSUIT!


Bill has filed 6 lawlsuits in the last 2 years. All of them turn out the same way: Dumbfuck Bill's ignorance of the law has judges dismissing his complaints right into the shitpile with prejudice. Since Schmalfeldt doesn't work for a living, he tries to suck the government's tit some MOAR by demanding to file in forma pauperis. Sometimes the court shows mercy, sometimes the court tells Bill to GTFO.

List of Bill's Past Fails

Here's a list of Schmalfeldt's attempts to shut his detractors up, and the predictable result:

  • Lolsuit 1: Schmalfeldt v. Hoge. Filed 20 May, 2014; withdrawn by Plaintiff (after turning his panties into a fudge factory) 22 May, 2014.
  • Lolsuit 2: Hoge v. Schmalfeldt. Counterclaims filed on 3 June, 2014; counterclaims dismissed with prejudice 15 August, 2014.
  • Lolsuit 3: Schmalfeldt v. Johnson. Filed 2 February, 2015; motion to proceed in forma pauperis denied 18 February, 2015; dismissed for lack of jurisdiction 18 February, 2015.
  • Lolsuit 4: Schmalfeldt v. Hoge. Filed 23 February, 2015; dismissed for lack of service of process and improper venue 18 June, 2015.
  • Lolsuit 5: Schmalfeldt v. Grady. Filed 27 April, 2015; dismissed with prejudice 19 August, 2015.
  • Lolsuit 6: Schmalfeldt v. Grady. Filed 17 December, 2015; dismissed for lack of personal jurisdiction 1 July, 2015
  • Lolsuit 7: Schmalfeldt v. Grady/Palmer. Filed 11 July 1016; dismissed after court-appointed pro bono attorney examined Schmalfeldt's case, 23 September 2016.

Lolsuit 6 DISMISSED: July 1 2016

After fleeing Maryland to escape his criminal troubles, Bill was pissed to learn that people were still mocking his fat, drunk, incontinent ass. On 17 December 2015, Schmalfeldt filed his latest shitpile in Milwaukee Federal Court. After a real lawyer answered Bill's lawlsuit, Bill pissed his panties and quickly dropped most of the defendants from the suit.

Two months later, when the dumbfuck realized his defendants might actually have the resources to rape him in court, Bill began begging for a settlement.

The response?

   
“ 		 
Hmmm. Interesting words from someone who has absolutely no compunction about bringing in completely un-related parties – INCLUDING A FUCKING TODDLER – into the “conversation” because he wants to intimidate me into silence. He’s figured out that that won’t work, so now he thinks that dangling being dropped from his pathetic FAIL of a lawsuit will.
  		„
  		 

—LOLSUIT Defendant mocking Bill's "offer", 20 February 2016

That sounds like a resounding no.

After weeks predicting that the defendants would default, Schmalfeldt's prediction turned out to be typical bullshit as an attorney for defendants appeared and filed a shitload of lulzy motions:

Shit-for-brains Bill Schmalfeldt was dismissed on July 1st, 2016. The Court's LULZy Judgment can be found here.

COUNTERSUIT!!

Christmas comes early!

   
“ 		 
On 2 March, I filed a lawsuit in the Circuit Court for Carroll County, Maryland, against...William Schmalfeldt [and other assorted assholes]...I allege that all the defendants are members of a civil conspiracy, ...engaged in defamation,...and that William Schmalfeldt breached a settlement agreement. The suit seeks monetary damages and injunctive relief.
  		„
  		 

— Opening volley in LOLSUIT VII: Hoge vs. Schmalfeldt et al

Vandalizing This ED Page!

Let's see if Bill Schmalfeldt gets the point the first time.
Bill Schmalfeldt just doesn't understand the meaning of FUCK OFF AND DIE YOU FAT DRUNKEN CHILDSTALKING TURDSNIFFING PERVERTED STALKERFUCK!

On March 11, Bill Schmalfeldt tried to work off some of his drunken butthurt by vandalizing this ED page. The edit lasted 6 WHOLE MINUTES...which is about 5 minutes longer than Bill's laughable microdick could last inside a shemale (back in the days before Bill got too obese to raise that midget soldier aloft, of course).

Next time Bill Schmalfeldt feels tempted to take out his inadequacies on an innocent ED page, might we suggest that he fucking READ THIS FIRST?

Violent Fantasies and Threats

Bill Schmalfeldt's rage is as impotent as his softbatch cock, but that doesn't stop Bill from repeatedly fantasizing about doing violence to his enemies, while beating his eternally soft meat.

Bill Schmalfeldt, 13 Mar 2016
Bill Schmalfeldt, 13 Mar 2016
Bill Schmafeldt, 11 Mar 2016
Bill Schmalfeldt, 8 Jun 2015
Bill Schmalfeldt, 30 May 2015
Bill Schmalfeldt, 10 Oct 2014
Bill Schmalfeldt, 29 April 2015
Bill Schmalfeldt, 15 Jul 2014
Bill Schmalfeldt, 23 Sept 2013
Bill Schmalfeldt, Sept 2013

Previous Image | Next Image

What Moar threats and fantasties of violence from Bill Schmafeldt? Then check these out (and the Gallery of Bill Schmalfeldt's "Creep, Vileness, Threats and Delusions of Persecution") at the bottom of this ED page.....

Gail Schmalfeldt

Gail Schmalfeldt become a zombie on June 17, 2015. Some say that Gail an heroed herself to escape from Bill Schmalfeldt's constant neglect, abuse and humiliation. Like being forced to endure photographs on your deathbed. Or having to endure Bill's enjoyment of anal rape.

Unfortunately for Gail, even death didn't deliver her from Bill's abuse of her dignity. After giving her corpse a creampie, then getting the bitch cremated, Bill took the classy step of posing with the Ziploc bag of her ashes.

  • Gail Schmalfeldt memorialized by a Wordpress surfer.
    Gail Schmalfeldt memorialized by a Wordpress surfer.
  • Gail Schmalfeldt photographed by her psychotic exhibitionist abuser Bill.
    Gail Schmalfeldt photographed by her psychotic exhibitionist abuser Bill.
  • Gail Schmalfeldt photographed by her psychotic exhibitionist abuser Bill, postmortem.]]
    Gail Schmalfeldt photographed by her psychotic exhibitionist abuser Bill, postmortem.]]
  • After Gail Schmalfeldt turned nipples-north, Bill Schmalfeldt got a couple of tattoos. "She always liked wiping my shitty ass in life," Bill explained, "now she covers my shitty ass in death. Also, KA-CHING!"
    After Gail Schmalfeldt turned nipples-north, Bill Schmalfeldt got a couple of tattoos. "She always liked wiping my shitty ass in life," Bill explained, "now she covers my shitty ass in death. Also, KA-CHING!"
  • Gail Schmalfeldt photographed ( and tweeted) by abuser Bill.
    Gail Schmalfeldt photographed ( and tweeted) by abuser Bill.
  • Gail Schmalfeldt now better known as "Saint Gail of the Clockwork Urn" (don't ask; it's a long story)
    Gail Schmalfeldt now better known as "Saint Gail of the Clockwork Urn" (don't ask; it's a long story)
  • Gail Schmalfeldt Yes, Bill really blogged this photo of his rapidly zombifying wife.
    Gail Schmalfeldt Yes, Bill really blogged this photo of his rapidly zombifying wife.

Ode to Gail Schmalfeldt

MY ASS WILL SOIL MY DIAPERS AND MY SOUL SOAR BACK TO THE COMPUTER
A REALLY GREAT PARODY OF A REALLY BAD POEM

I’m ready
You are standing on the curb
But the doors of my short bus haven’t closed yet
I move toward the door and the driver says
Sit down, DUMBFUCK, you haven’t learned
Your lesson yet
I want to leave this life
And be with you
You’re going where I can not go right now
Because HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!
And KREEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNDLEEEERRRRRRRRRR!
I have to sue them for making my ass hurt so much,
And as much as I would love to hold your hand
And tell you stupid jokes because I’m as funny as Black Plague
The wireless mouse is not going to move itself
To find all the butthurt I need to convince a judge
That it’s a tort.
Remember the first time you flew in a plane?
Back when only certain people could afford to fly
And I sat with you at the gate.
You quivered with excitement.
I never did figure out
Where that buzzing sound was coming from.
And you waved goodbye as you walked through the door
With that funny bow-legged walk and crooked smile.
Now they’ve called your flight, and I’m not ready
For you to go. But I’m not the one taking this trip.
You are ready. That’s the important thing.
They’ve opened the door to the jetway.
Walk through, and don’t look back.
The cold never bothered me anyway.
I’m not ready to say goodbye, so I won’t.
We Germans have a much better way of sharing the sentiment.
“Oh, Internet , wie ich dich vermisst habe!”
Oh, Internet, how I’ve missed you!
It tears at my bowels that I won’t see you until then.
And I’ll have to clean up after myself.
But for now, I’m just not ready.
But there’s a terrific burrito stand just down the concourse
And that should take care of things.
I will be ready soon enough. When nature calls
My heart will fill with joy and my bowel with-
Well, never mind.
It will pour from my pooterhole and there will be no stopping it.
The upward thrust will send my heart
Soaring up to heaven,
Where it shall forever join with yours,
For I am cunning and St. Peter will have sympathy
On a poor, disabled, recently widowed
Viet Nam era Veteran who suffers from
Stage ELEVENTYLIARVII
Super Stress Exacerbated PARKINSON’S!!
The door closes. I switch on my iPad.
Damn. Fourteen percent remaining.
I rush to an outlet to plug in the charger.
My world nearly became empty and cold.
The sun’s glare through the window glimmers
On the iPad’s reflective screen.
I need to find a shady spot so I can see.
Outside I see an airplane vanish into a cloud.
What am I doing at the airport?
And wasn’t there a woman here?
What was that all about?

Bill Parvocampus
June 16, 2015


You stay classy Bill Schmalfeldt!


Family Whores: Cheerleading Bill's Fantasies of Anal rape, Assault, Child Abuse

Bill Schmalfeldt plays tough guy while his incestuous whores Lori J. Schmalfeldt, Rebecca Tibbits and Nancy Klosinski cheer on his sociopathic habits.

If you ever needed proof that sociopath and stupid run in the family, meet Bill Schmalfeldt's incestuous cheerleaders of his vile Antisocial Personality Disorder: Lori J. Schmalfeldt, Rebecca Tibbits and Nancy Klosinski.

   
“ 		 
Fuck you loosers
  		„
  		 

—Nancy Klosinski, whose inability to use spellcheck matches her inability to google 'Bill Schmalfeldt'

Everyone hopes that Lori, Nancy and Rebecca really enjoy Bill's company, since Bill's immanent eviction from Canticle and Juniper Courts means he'll soon be wanting to live with them any day now.

Bill Schmalfeldt LiberalBill LiberalLad seeks anal rape victim on Ourtime dot com. Want? Kthxbye!

By the summer of 2016, fail whale Bill Schmalfeldt decided it was time to stop masturbating into Gail's ash urn and seek a live woman for a date. So he signed up for the famous site for oldass singles, OurTime.

LiberalBill a/k/a Bill Schmalfeldt's profile on OurTime

Who could have guessed the result. Anyone, anyone?

   
“ 		 
I've had a lot of luck with OurTime...all of it bad. I honestly do not know what it is, but I have had a total of 3 meet and greets since last summer and all with ladies that seemed to like my photos, my story, my history, my politics, my sense of humor.

We meet for lunch, or coffee, or dinner, and it's adios muchacho.
 

„
  		 

—Bill Schmalfeldt a/k/a LiberalLad wondering why women dropkick his ass after meeting (and googling his criminal stalking and pedophile history...

Of course, when anyone with google can quickly find out that Bill Schmalfeldt has 9 restraining orders against him in 6 states, and a lengthy list of criminal complaints against him in Maryland, Billy's got to find a way to explain away that ish, amirite?

LiberalLad on OurTime a/k/a pedophile, stalker and sociopath Bill Schmalfeldt.

Yes, ladies...and the instant Bill Schmalfeldt has that trust, he'll hand you the lube and demand you to grease up and spread your asscheeks. Btw, you might want to check out what happened to Bill Schmalfeldt's last wife victim!

Bill Schmalfeldt's dead wife, Gail, murdered by Bill's neglect and cheap$kate refusal to actually pay a doctor to diagnose her illness before it became fatal. When Gail Schmalfeldt isn't playing the harp in heaven, she's telling Bill what a worthless fuck he is. Check it out here!

Gallery

Gallery of Creep, Vileness, Threats and Delusions of Persecution About missing Pics
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See Also

External Links

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