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Dell
Dell is where you can buy a piece of shit computer for next to nothing, and then spend about 2,000 dollars upgrading it to make it marginally useful. After that, you have the privilege of spending a week trying to get rid of all the spyware, adware, and useless programs that come bundled with it. And to make matters worse, if you remove all that shitware, dude, you've invalidated your warranty!
Tech Support
Dell offers free tech support to any moron willing to purchase their computers. Most of Dell's tech support staff are curry-eating Indians whom are all speaking in a most very annoying accent sahib.
Dell & The International Jewish Conspiracy
It is a known fact that Dell keeps its prices competitive by using the internal organs of the Chinese in its manufacturing process (see: Walmart business model). According to some Nazis, this has upset the Jews, who are pissed that they did not think of this first. However, these turdheads aren't aware that Dell himself is a kike, and much of the reason his company makes such a profit is that he's using Jewish business contacts to negotiate cheap deals on kosher parts. The biggest clue given as to just how much of a Jew Michael Dell is was demonstrated on February 15th, 2001, when he unnecessarily fired over 7000 of his employees just so he could donate 40 Million bucks to a Jewish charity. Not one single person "laid off" was Jewish. Still, it proves Hitler was right all along.
Dell bought the shitty 1up.com for the lulz. He also fired most of those schlubs for the same reason.
The "Dell Dude" Explained
Dude, you're getting a Dell was a famous ad campaign featuring laid-back "cool kid" Benjamin Curtis. It spawned a number of boring catchphrases ("Dude, you're going to hell", etc) and is most definitely an old meme. Alas, the pressures of celebrity overwhelmed Ben and he was was busted for buying weed in Union Square like a fucking noob. He can currently be found waiting tables at a Tortilla stand. Srsly.
Rise of the Machines
Not content to merely serve as porn repositories and World of Warcraft terminals, brave Dell laptops began a campaign of suicide bombing against their oppressive human masters. Other Dells have flocked to the terrorist banner, and have successfully committed arson and vehicular sabotage. As usual, the only defense against this aggression is racial profiling not buying one.
Core Dell Features
Features of a Dell rarely vary from one another. If you find a Dell that does not have the following features, recheck your brands.
Prime features of a Dell include:
- A 366-day working period.
- Cheap ass components that are guaranteed to fry, overheat, and start massive wildfires.
- A low-end Intel processor that cannot overclock.
- Massive amounts of fail and anti-lulz.
- Over 9000 trial software applications, all of which will explode if you don’t activate them in less than 10 seconds and will make your new quad-core CPU run slower than a 486.
- Free technical support outsourced in Saturn that make Bix Nood sound intelligent. (You too can attempt at 1-800-WWW-DELL if you wish.)
Famous Dell Reviews
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YouTube
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Dude, Links
- Dell.com
- Dude, you’re fired!
Ben Curtis, (Dell Steve) on Twitter
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Dell is part of a series on Visit the Softwarez Portal for complete coverage. |
