Browser MMO

Evony trying to tempt us to the Dark Side with titties.

Truly the cesspool of gaming, Browser MMO's are games that exist expressly to open the anus of the gaming community in a tasteful goatse-esque fashion, pour in the liquid shit of faggotry that is the average Browser MMO player, and steal their money to "support their website" with.

Browser MMO's require nothing of the user except an extraordinary lust for delicious polygonal boobage and more patience than a Buddhist monk (and a web browser or it wouldn't be called Browser MMO, no?). The majority of said games either require you to do nothing but select "Build This?" then wait your entire pointless life for the construction to be completed so you can have 5 more non-existant people to do more non-existant work for a non-existant reward. You can literally find thousands of these kind of games, many of them on portable platforms so you can waste time on the go, during your busy schedule.

Examples of the construction/micromanagement variety of Browser MMO include:

• Evony (See Tits) - A shitty MMO scam masquerading as a pornographic website.
• Godfather 5 Families - Another "town management" piece of shit except with a "film noir" setting. Sort of.
• 8 Realms - Fagex's attempt at empire management. Imagine Empire Earth, but shittier, and as an MMO.

The principle is similar to shoving stuff in your ass to enlarge the hole.

Then we move on to the grind-a-thon MMO's. These are like World of Warcraft, but without the slightest chance of fun. These basically involve spending collosal amounts of time beating the shit out of minor enemies or collecting a metric fuckton of resources, then selling all the sweet loots for an e-peen enhancement, which, after suitable growth, can be used to ejaculate all over low-level players, making them ragequit and never play again, depriving you of moar sweet tender innocent flesh to raep, thus creating an endless circle as unlucky low level players are forced from the game, resulting in you doing nothing but having shitty "who's got the biggest weapon" fights with the other chosen few.

Examples of these games include:

• Dark Orbit
• Neopets
• Runescape - The game that strives to have the lowest content-to-grinding ratio possible.

But wait! There's more to the festival of fail. Whats worse than grind-a-thons? Facebook MMO's. Why not make a social networking site, and then get paid to add something completely and utterly unrelated to it and hope nobody notices that your being a greedy fucktard? Nothing better than logging on to an already crappy game, making perhaps 5 moves based on how many actions you can take in one day, then being forced to drag others into your shitty game so that you can expand your farm by 3 inches. Because we all like going to a shitty game, taking 5 moves, and then spending the rest of 5 hours trying to convince grandma to send you a new shovel. Right?

Examples of these upstanding games include:

• Farmville
• Mafia wars
• Frontier Ville

Extortion

Oh, did I mention the crippling extortion? I'm sure I mentioned the crippling extortion. You see, children, male enhancement isn't free, so companies like Aeria Games want lots of delicious jewgold from you so they can give you bullshit rewards and bonus items that have the following effects:

• Unbalances gameplay, leading to higher level players circle-jerking over one players item, and all the lower level players getting raped in the ass.
• Gives a feeling of achievement, hooking you deeper into the game.
• Gives a feeling of possession, and the feeling that if you quit the game, you are losing a physical possession.
• Costs you irl money and feeds power-hungry shitty companies like Zynga.
• Makes you look like a giant faggot.

The same principles have been applied to Facebook despite the fact that to play a game on that, you must be broke and using a Starbuck's internet connection.

Browser MMO is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.