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Life Is Strange
If one were to define the most unoriginal video game of 2015, this would be the answer. Behold, Life Is Strange, an episodic video game about a twelfth grade emo bitch who discovers that she has the ability to rewind time in order to correct whatever fucks up in her life and can transport into photographs., all while a shitload of indie music is playing in the background. Although this is the most derivative plot ever conceived, everybody gave the game's developers a huge ass-pat because the gameplay was Edgy as fuck, and starred a female protagonist for the sake of being progressive. The animation is mediocre at best, probably because most of the budget went into licensing all the shitty indie music in the game.
The Game
As mentioned, this game is episodic and has five total episodes. Explaining these episodes would be long and uninteresting, so we will explain it simply.
Episode 1: Chrysalis
Maxine Caulfield (referred to as "Max" hereinafter) is a feminist bitch that goes to the shitty Blackwell Academy in Oregon to milk herself to the totally hot Mark Jefferson. She is your usual, obnoxious, attention whore who thinks she acts like a geek and a makes an ass out of herself because of it. Last Thursday, when she went to the bathroom, she sees a blue-haired cunt talk about bidness and get shot by the popular asshole kid, Nathan Prescott. For some fucking reason, this triggers her rewind powers, which gives her a chance to save said cunt. Rather than talking to the security officer or anyone else for help, she hides behind the cabins in the bathroom like before and pulls the fire alarm. Some other shit happens, where a girl gets soaked in the janitor's white paint, and Max meets up with her creepy stalker friend, Warren, who wants to fuck the shit out of her. The guy with the gun from earlier sexually harasses Max, but she's saved by her white knight, Warren. Then the cunt from earlier shows up, and it's revealed that she's actually Chloe, Max's long-lost fuckbuddy. She spends the rest of the episode complaining about Max being a shitty friend, talking about a missing white girl no one gives a shit about, and getting slapped for smocking by her step-dad, who's the security officer of the school.
Episode 2: Out of Time
A ton of other bullshit happens; involving some lolcow named Kate Marsh following in Amanda Todd's footsteps and contemplating suicide after becoming the subject of a lulzy viral video. Max resorts to saving her sorry ass and pulling her down from the roof she was going to jump from, promising that she will find out what happened to Kate and Chloe's MIA friend Rachel Amber.
Episode 3: Chaos Theory
Max and her dyke friends break into the principal's office at night trying to find clues about Rachel's disappearance. They end up alerting the campus security and take refuge at the dormitory. Max examines a photo of herself and Chloe, which somehow transports her to the day the photo was taken. In this alternative reality, Max has to save Chloe's dad, but instead she paralyses Chloe from the neck down. Max looks at the photo again which allows her to rollback her dumbass decisions and restore the original timeline along with everyone's health.
Episode 4: Dark Room
After moar dicking around, Max explores a scrapyard and discovers Rachel's buried corpse. Mark Jefferson (the teacher) pulls a surprise attack; shooting Chloe in the head and putting Max to sleep. Max awakens and uses her powers to escape into a photograph and transport back to the beginning of the game.
Episode 5: Polarized
The party van shows up and arrests Mr. Jefferson, while Max comes to the realization that her abilities have caused an approaching cyclone that's about to royally pwn Arcadia Bay.
The ending depends on weather you made faggot decisions or not, and ultimately results in sacrificing Chloe to save the town, or vice versa.
Characters
- Maxine Caulfield: The main character. Max is a newfag at Blackwell Academy who has the ability to rewind time, which she uses in order to fulfill her perfectionist desires.
- Chloe Price: One of the most unbearable bitch in the game, and a dyke (as hinted by her short blue hair). She provides no use to Max whatsoever, and only exists for the sake of this game having a "plot". According to the developers, the game tries to make Chloe a likable character, despite the fact that she keeps complaining about you being a shitty friend, and always bitches about a missing white girl throughout the entire game. She also made all of the 13 year old boys creampie themselves when she made out with Max in the last episode.
- Mark Jefferson: The teacher who drugs and kills young girls for the sake of fulfilling his necro-photography fetish. He's a pretty cool guy and doesn't afraid of anything, who manages to make every girl in school cream themselves.
- Kate Marsh: A christfag cunt who becomes the subject of a viral video which makes her attempt to become An hero. Max can save her, but it's much more lulzy to just watch her jump.
- Warren Graham: Creepy stalker and a "nice guy", similar to the people who actually like this game. Spends all of his time trying to "Go Ape" in Max's ass, even though everyone knows she's a lesbian who suffers from stockholm syndrome.
- Victoria Chase: A rich 16 year old girl and a closet lesbian who bullies Max and puts the video of Kate on the internet for the lulz. Max actually thinks she's JUST CONFUSED and can turn her into one of her fuckbuddies, which will result in her getting drugged and killed by Jefferson. She's also known for getting covered in white goo in the first episode.
- Nathan Prescott: Schizophrenic teenager who kickstarts the plot by killing Chloe at the beginning of the game. Unfortunately, this gets undone by Max's bullshit rewind powers, which forces you throughout this game's butt-fucked plot. He drugs and kidnaps 16 year-old girls with his sugar daddy, Jefferson, and takes them to his bunker room. By the end of the game, it's revealed that he isn't so bad, and he was manipulated by Jefferson, or some shit.
- David Madsen: The security guard at Blackwell and Chloe's stepdad. He's a war veteran who was kicked out of the army for being a pedophile. Not to be deterred, however, David continues to act on his pedophilic urges by stalking the students of Blackwell and attempting to get security cameras installed all through the school. He'll attempt to save Max from Jefferson at the end of Episode 5, but he's such a retarded dumbass that he'll repeatedly get his ass handed to him by a middle-aged hipster, forcing Max to rewind over and over again to save his pathetic ass.
- Rachel Amber: This cunt went missing before the events of the game, and her disappearance drives the plot. Rachel was the object of Chloe's dyke crush, but was secretly a massive whore who fucked both a dirty drug dealer and a murderous pedo hipster. The latter relationship didn't work out very well for her, and she ends up buried in a junkyard.
- Alyssa Anderson: Alyssa is a fat, purple-haired loser bitch who reads feminist literature and probably runs a Tumblr blog where she rants about how evil men are and how they need to check their privilege. There's a series-long running gag where she gets hit with something in every episode, usually due to the fact that she's too busy thinking about stuffing her fat face with more greasy food to pay attention to her surroundings. Max has the option to help her using her rewind power, but it's funnier not to.
The dialogue
The most obvious problem to this game is the cringy as fuck dialogue. This shouldn't come as a surprise, considering the game was made by 40 years old men trying to appeal to the "kool kidz", who think that people from this generation actually use words like "hella", "beeatch" or "wowsers".
Videos
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See also
- Time-travel
- Life hack
- The Comprehensive Guide To Life
- Gone Home - Same shit.
- Remember Me – Dontnod's previous game. Dontnod wants to be Funcom (of The Longest Journey fame) real bad.
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Life Is Strange is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
