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Life
No, we aren't talking about the Jew-made cereal. Life is a controversial first-person shooter developed and published by God over 9,000 years ago. It is about a person, of whom is randomly created for you, who lives in a very strange world called Urth in the fictional country of America. People have claimed to live in places like Aznworld or Tea City, but evidence suggests that these players are bots. This person, you, can go anywhere and do anything, but only has one no life.
The difficulty level is defined at birth, determined by how much gold your in-game parents had previously obtained. This difficulty level will remain with you for the entire game until you get a job to earn your own gold, which may increase or decrease the difficulty depending on where you work and what you do.
Notable Ranks
Level 1 - You will find this to be the shittiest level in the game. You begin as a short, obese, bald man in a diaper who shits and pisses himself, vomits, and lets out horrifyingly disturbing cries at random times, especially in the night. You have no control over this, and it is commonly compared in annoyance to cliff racers.
Level 12 - Here, you play as a retarded short person with a foolish and one-sided opinion who enjoys screaming over the mic in mini-games like Halo, Call of Duty 4 and claim that you know alot about firearms. .
Level 13 - In this level, you tend to believe yourself superior to those lower in level than you because you are now in your teenage levels despite you sounding, looking, and acting as though you were at Level 10.
Level 16 - From this point onward, every time you level up, you will be given a chance to kill everyone around you and then take your own life. Upon doing such, you will have won the game. You can also learn the driving ability and buy a mount.
Level 21 - At this point, you will be able to consume alcohol and cigarettes, so you will be either a bad person or a faggot.
Level 40 - This is at which you will begin having to worry about detrimental character attributes, such as heart disease and diabeetus.
Hit Points
All characters carry a special statistic known as hit points, which begin low, but eventually work their way up in later levels. However, around the area of levels 20-30, your hit points will reach their peak and begin to decline. If your hit points reach zero, you will lose a life. But since you only have one life, that means game over.
Post-Death
Upon losing all hit points, you will have no control over what happens to you. From this point, religion takes over. Depending on what your character's religion is and how you spent your game, there are a few possibilities. Most players end up in Hell, a fire-themed level where your character is tortured for an in-game eternity by Stan, Hell's moderator, but a few are granted access to Heaven, a sky-themed level where everything is made of clouds and you chill with other players such as Bob Ross and Santa Claus.
Experience Points
Experience points are gained through the consumption of items. When the game begins, your experience points will be somewhere between 5 and 10. As the game progresses, you will gain more experience. However, experience points can differ dramatically depending on the size of the character model. Physical activities such as running will take experience points, but a massive amount of experience points will actually retard such activities.
A player with a dangerously low amount of experience points earns the status anorexic while a player with a dangerously high amount of experience points earns the title fat. Having one of these two statuses will also affect the player's appearance. An anorexic player will be much smaller and weaker than ordinary players and will have the detriment of not feeling pretty. A fat player will be much larger than ordinary players, but no stronger. A fat player will also be physically incapable of some activities, depending on the amount of experience points he has. Fat players may also earn the title of obese if their experience points reach an extraordinarily high count.
Characters
You - You're a fucking dumbass.
Azns - The smartest people on Urth, they are skilled with calculators and killing people shamelessly. They are either short with black hair and squinty eyes, or tall, extremely muscular, and have hair over 9,000 feet high that glows a strange color. The latter also have oceans rather than eyes. Azns generate 90% of all weird shit in the world.
Mexicans - Useless, smelly, retarded gibberish-speakers who try to get jobs in your country. Some try to be tough, but end up looking like dumbasses.
Black People - A hastily and poorly constructed NPC with limited AI capability. Hated by all crackers. They are useless to society, and steal all your man points and white women. They also steal HP renewing food items such as watermelons, kool-aid, and fried chickens and some of your means of locomotion.
Europeans - White people who use Moonspeak and think they're from another continent. They're not, they're just insane.
Character Classes
Child - The default class, assigned at character creation. You lose this class upon choosing another at the level they are available at.
Businessman - The warrior class of Life, available at level 21. Businessmen typically carry briefcases to store their items and wear solemnly colored suits. 10/10 Businessmen hate their lives, hate their families, and die around level 45 due to either heart attack or suicide.
Loser - The archer class of Life, available at level 16. Losers typically earn gold in small places such as Mickey Dee's or in grocery stores. Typically are recognizable by having tons of acne on the face of their character model. Losers can be found in small, smelly apartments or living with their mothers.
Retard - The wizard class of Life, available at level 1. Retard is, by far, the best class. As a player, you are never expected to get a job or do any sort of work. Instead, you receive gold from the admins. Anyone who does not pick this class is an idiot.
Pedophile - The berserker class of Life, available at level 30. Choosing this class carries risk, as moderators will always be on your ass. Playing as a Pedophile, you will go completely insane if you do not perform your Molest ability on someone of the child class every day.
Faggot - The fairy class of Life, available at level 13. As a Faggot, your character will be rendered incapable of opening more player slots through sex, (which is a huge bonus if you think about it) as you can only engage another player in such if the character is the same gender as your own. Faggots are despised by everybody.
Emo - The necromancer class of Life, available at level 13. Emos are recognizable by backwards mullets and black clothing items, don't do anything, and usually end their game around level 16 with their self-mutilation ability.
Priest - The monk class of Life, available at level 25, but only if the player has chosen the Christianity Religion. Priests are required to live in assigned places near churches, where they encourage everybody to worship the game's creator. An interesting side note is that most Priests have Pedophile as a secondary class.
Terrorist - The rogue class of Life, automatically assigned if the player chooses the Islam religion. Terrorists are recognizable by wearing bath robes on their heads. Terrorists, upon losing all hit points, will be assigned to Hell unless they lost all hit points in the process of using their Suicide Bomb ability and successfully killing at least 100 people, in which case they will be rewarded with 1,000 internets and 72 virgins.
black person - The dwarf class of Life, randomly assigned at character creation, but only if the player has chosen the Black race. These cocksuckers can steal hubcaps and sell them for crack money. Set out a watermelon filled with draino or rat poison if you want to get rid of them, or use a tiger trap to catch them live and have fun torturing them.
Netizen - The sorcerer class of Life, available at level 10. Netizens inhabit the Series of Tubes sublevel of the game. Netizens are incredibly difficult to find outside of such, as they are incredibly weak without their computers. Although this is listed as one class, there is actually a completely different world behind it. In the Series of Tubes, Netizens have somewhat of their own society made up of countless subclasses, such as Trolls, Hackers, and Noobs. Netizens were nonexistent until one of the more recent updates to the game. Due to their existence, the Series of Tubes has become a dangerous place for players inexperienced with it.
Man Child - The other class of Life, automatically assigned if the player has not chosen a class beyond the point at which any class is available. Man Childs are completely incapable of anything and will need to resort to getting gold either from their parents or the administration.
IRL Wizard - The oracle class of Life, assigned at random to players who have acquired the Batshit Insane attribute. IRL Wizards possess actual in-game magic, but can only perform such feats in the complete absence of other players.
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The Child class. -
The Businessman class. -
The Loser class. -
The Retard class. -
The Pedophile class. -
The Faggot class.
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The Emo class. -
The Priest class.
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The Terrorist class. -
The Midget Boofer class. -
The Netizen class.
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The Man Child class. -
The IRL Wizard class.
Religions
In addition to character classes, players are also given the option of choosing a Religion to follow. Every Religion comes with its pros and cons, and each affect gameplay in different ways.
Christianity - Moderated by Jebus, the son of the game's creator, and one of the more popular Religions. Being a Christian allows you access to Heaven after your character has lost all hit points. However, Christians are required to see a Priest once every seven in-game days or you will be banished to Hell once you have lost all hit points.
Judaism - Jews are instantly recognizable by their enormous noses, big hats, black suits, and the pubic hair on their heads. Jews are totally incapable of spending gold. All Jews are banished to Hell upon losing all hit points. Jews also are incapable of consuming pork food items.
Islam - Like Judaism, followers of this religion, called Muslims, are incapable of consuming pork. They believe in the game's creator but call him Allah. All Muslims are automatically assigned to the terrorist class.
Hinduism - Hindus cannot consume the beef food item, but in turn are rewarded with infinite lives.
Buddhism - Basically the same as Hinduism, except Buddhists worship a big fat guy named Buddha.
Atheism - Atheists do not acknowledge the game's creator and are not placed in either Heaven nor Hell upon losing all hit points.
Confucianism - Nobody actually knows what this is.
Scientology - Scientologists are batshit insane and do not acknowledge the game's creator, claiming instead that Xenu, God's evil twin brother, was the one who created Life.
Notable Players
President Barack Hussein Obama - The current admin of Life.
Cho Seung Hui - He beat the game.
Manuel Uribe - Broke the record of highest experience points count at 1200 exp.
Moses - Banned after exploiting ten cheat codes on the Egyptian server.
You - Your character, currently holding the lowest score.
God - He created the game, and every so often uses his cheat codes on us.
Jews - Taking all your Jew Gold, used to do ANYTHING in life.
Success
Few people who have played the game have actually beat it. They have achieved so by using the ability gifted to you at Level 16 to kill everyone around you, and then yourself. Once you do so, you are given the rank Hero. However, at that point you have no remaining lives so it essentially means nothing. Most people don't choose to do this, though, because they're either fucking retarded or pussies. To beat the game you must complete this prime objective.
If you don't achieve this, then the winner is announced by the next time the server resets. According to the Mayans, this next server reset is due to happen in 2012.
Cheat Codes
/redsea - Allows you to cross large bodies of water without the risk of drowning (first implemented by Moses; prior to this, entering water meant instant death).
/pill - Allows you to engage another player in sexual intercourse without the possibility of opening another player slot.
/lsd - Gives your character infinite imagination, allowing you to perform tasks such as painting or writing songs with ease.
/bulimia - Allows you to consume large amounts of food items without gaining exp.
/'roids - Causes your character to automatically rise several levels in the Muscle Stat.
/rickroll - Causes other players to lose the game.
Screencaps
See Also
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Life is part of a series on MMORPGs. | [Ding!] |