Maine

Tourist - "Where does that road go?" Old man from Pet Cemetery - "Don't go nowhere, stays right there."

Maine is inhabited almost entirely by lobsters, and its few human residents are the southerners of the north. Maine is also home to dead cows, flannel jackets and Portland, a small city not to be confused with Portland. Maine is fucking cold in the winter and fucking hot in the summer, and there is no point to ever going there. The video game Resident Evil 4 Is based off the book "Escape from Maine"

More About Maine

File:SeenInMaine.jpg

This is what your taxes go on in Maine.

Maine's chief export is Lobster, a creature which is not unlike a cockroach that lives at the bottom of the ocean. Lobster is shipped to fine restaurants across the world to give food poisoning to the socially elite. The second largest export is logs, but they are uninteresting so fuck them.

File:Mainecoon.jpg

Maine coons are not like other coons.

Maine Natives

While Maine is considered by its inhabitants to be the most backwards state in America, no one else in the world could care less. Up north is Aroostok County, whose people are obsessed with potatoes more than Sam from Lord Of The Rings. The capital is Augusta and it cleverly attempts to look like Washington D.C, unfortunately, to date, it has been unsuccessful. Augusta is also known as the New Orleans of Maine because its filled with black, french people who sell heroin.

Lewiston is half an hour down the pike from Augusta and it has even more French people, only they simply act black and sell heroin without middle class jobs paid for by lobster taxes. Across a Bridge from Lewiston is Auburn. Maine is bordered by Canada, and a frozen body of water that never goes above 3 degrees and is known as the ocean.

On the ocean is Portland. To live in Portland you must either smell really bad and work on a boat, or be a starbucks obsessed office worker. If you know an office worker in Portland then chances are you'll suddenly become tech-savvy.

Eastern Maine & Down East Maine

East Maine is a mythical land near Canada where nobody pronounces Rs and they hate Indians. In down east Maine they have the thickest, most disturbing Mainer accent. Ironically they also like to fap off to thick and disturbing things. Down East Maine has recently become the Incest capital of the world beating Germany by a land slide. East Maine is full of gangstas. Fact.

Anon guarantees your safety.

Thomaston

As arguably the crappiest town in Maine, Thomaston doubles as the place to go if you want to lay up on prescription drugs for months at a time and one of the few towns lucky enough to be situated in the STD Capital of America, Knox County. Feel free to get piss drunk in the middle of the day and walk around, as the locals generally are too busy wanking it to realize that the 5'8 minor is stumbling around like a drunken monkey and is riding his skateboard upside down. Don't ride your bike through the baseball field unless you feel like running over a hypodermic needle and falling face down on a used condom. "An Hero's" are very common in Thomaston, and many have reported that they "Did it for the Lulz." Most just laugh at the stupid Emo, and some have also reported bystanders accusing the emo tard during his last seconds of wasting his cyanide.

When you aren't busy huffing paint or paying 1.50 for a single cigarette, like most of the minors in Thomaston do, after all, they live in Maine, what else are they supposed to do? Get a License and take Route 1 South till they reach the end of the quarantine zone, take a chemical shower, and are reeducated so that they can more easily integrate into the not so incest and bestiality possesed people's of "Outland" as it is known in Maine, known to the outside world as "New Jersey." That's not to say that New Jersey is better than Maine, but to say that aside from Maine, New Jersey is the shittiest state in the Union, thereby making Maine worse than New Jersey, meaning we no longer count it as a state but a desolate wasteland of goat sodomy and Pot Bellied, Brandy drinking harbor whores

Try not to look in the eyes of the local children, as you may burst into flames upon eye contact, due to the unusually high level of "WTF," Paxil, and "lulz" wrapped into one 4'2 larvae, which will one day cocoon, and turn into a fisherman or a harbor hog, depending upon sex. Speaking of sex, if your in Maine, you'll be up to your knee's in pussy. Too bad most of it smells vastly like the ass end of a rotten anchovy, which if you happen to have been born in Maine and your family has lived there for more than three generations, will be recognized immediately and relished, as true Mainer's release a strong fishy scent to denote their mating period, which is year round, bad news if your allergic to tuna.

“	Why haven't you people left this emo bullshit state yet? Aren't you tired of living in the state with one of the highest property taxes in the nation? Aren't you pissed off that the shitty state legislature won't let you smoke in the car if you have a kid inside with you, even with the window cracked? Aren't you pissed off that your children all have genital warts because you forgot to tell your boyfriend/girlfriend to use protection? Why would you remain in a state where the sheep get nervous when the farmer puts his boots on? Have you even considered that using that thick, bullshit accent you people wield with such such disgrace is probably making your penis smaller with every mispronounced consonant, with every r replaced with ah? You would do well to leave before you contract super ghonerea from your mom you sick fuck	„
—Everyone who doesn't live in Maine

Would be An-Hero's in Maine

Weaboo fags are hard to find in Knox County, however there are many small sects of Naruto fans, and the few generate many lulz, as seen in the popularity among said Weaboo's to wear 30$ Naruto Knock-off headbands and spend their time fapping to Pokepr0n. When asked to comment on this, the manufacturer said simply:

	“	"Wtf do I care? I make the fucking headbands out of used underwear bands from the salvation army, and throw any random shit on them and call it a Magic-jutsu headband or some shit, and sell 'em to them. Sometimes I'll make trades when they don't have cash, one kid even stole his mother's white gold ring with six diamonds from Vietnam and traded it to me for one. I can't believe those fags would pay so much for a shitty headband, I guess they need it to soak up the sweat from fapping to the latest Sasuke & Naruto yaoi."	„

The Maine Accent

The most common mistake people make when going to Maine is that the accent is like that of Massachusetts. They were wrong. The Maine Accent has more swearing, and the replacing the r sound in words like far, car, park, parked, ect, ect with the ah sound. So now insted of far its fah, and cah, pahk, pahked, ect. Mainers also say da instead of the.

Casino

Bangor now has a casino. It is not an actual Casino of course, because Maine couldn't possibly allow poker or roulette or other actual table games to be played, but it has slot machines. Row after row of them. Incidentally, Indian tribes have not been allowed any slot machines or a casino in the state, this is an example of racism. The thoughts of the people of Maine regarding their brand new Casino?:

	“	I'm sorry, but I think Hollywood slots is a bad idea for Maine. It draws the wrong type of crowds, it causes addiction problems for some, it does not help poor families who need to save their money rather then hope they win a big game. Right now people are struggling just to buy gas for their car and food, the last thing we need right now is a slot business. I'm ashamed we have this in our area now. To me, it is not part of Maine history or what we'd hope to convey to tourists. :(	„
	—Kaylan of Corinna, ME

Be Like A Mainer

• Every time you say ar, er, ir etc. Stop. Replace with ah. For example:

Traditional: Park the car in the yard behind the barn.

In Maine: Pahk the cah in da bahn behind da yahd.

• say wicked in front of every word ever, for example:

"Thats wicked awesome!"

"daddy just got his wicked penis and raped me up good"

"wicked lulz" and so on...

• Learn to swear. A LOT. For example: "Fuckin A, dudeguy, I'm gonna slap you sillay foh stickin ya dick in my woman's shithole."

• Smack your mother because she gave genital warts to an Italian and then blamed him for giving to her. She wasn't lying, he gave it to her alright.
• Leave your door unlocked then wait inside with a shotgun.
• Smoke less than one joint of marijuana then drop out of high school.
• Be shocked and awed at neon lights.
• Pretend you're black and sell heroin.
• Run over Stephen King with a minivan
• Wait for your life to end.

Things to do in Maine

1. Watch a bear shit in the woods
2. Dialup some internets
3. Drink, fight and fuck pinecones
4. Get High, look at trees, repeat.
5. Get Drunk, hang yourself, repeat as needed.
6. Fuck your mom because I'm sure it will be free.
7. Hunt tourists

See Also

• America
• Heroin
• Shit Nobody Cares About