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Mortal Kombat
Mortal Kombat is a kung fu game featuring a cast of shit characters who have, over the course of at least 100 years, failed to develop at all, with every character in the game retaining the exact same fucking basic movelist since the first game. Mortal Kombat is notorious for having millions of fun and creative secret codes that don't actually work or exist, successfully suckering fans into playing the same game for their entire lives to search for that one code enabling Johnny Cage to complain about the cost of his shades mid-match.
Notable Characters
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(Mortal Kombat is renown for its amazing character designs.)
- Liu Kang:
Annoying azn with the ability to shoot fireballs and destroy eardrums at will with his annoying screams. The first fighting game protagonist to actually fuck up and get killed. Suprised he can even fight taking notice of the fact that you can blindfold him with floss. - Johnny Cage:
Brings a unique sense of style and familiarity to the table by wearing shades. Does the splits and punches men in the nuts, yet when you try to do a Vagina Punch, he folds his hands and refuses to touch the vagina,making him by far one of the most disgraceful and underhanded characters to walk into the Mortal Kombat tournament. - Sonya Blade:
Was unable to master cooking when growing up, so her partner left her in her sleep. Uses the AIDS lips fatality to burn opponents alive with a mere kiss. - Kano:
Killed Sonya's partner. Why this has anything to do with entering the tournament is a secret be revealed only by defeating Goro ninety times in a row using only the block button while the "Special Effects Volume" is set to 7. - Sub-Zero:
A ninja who shoots ice cold enough to freeze people. Should be able to win the tournament effortlessly with this ability, but somehow fucks it up and never wins and basically sucks cock in general. - Scorpion:
Sub-Zero, only he throws spears while shouting "Get over here!" Needless to say, he has achieved immense popularity. - Raiden:
A thunder god who constantly has his ass kicked by the very mortals he oversees. Despite having control over lightning, his projectiles can be outrun by most athletes and can by no means travel at the speed of light. However, being the horny bastard that he is you can use a jump attack that is like 3 billion times faster then his lightning to rape unsuspecting kombatants. Additionally, you can touch him without being electrocuted, as the lightning that zips around his body does absolutely nothing. Is eventually fired by Al Gore for picking such shitty people to defend Earth. - Goro:
Four armed prince made of clay. Had a negro brother, however, Midway chose to keep this fact out of every single game released. - Shang Tsung:
A sorcerer with the ability to transform...but uses this ability to transform into the same weaklings he is out to destroy. Is never killed, yet the others continue to progress, therefore it can only be assumed that noone ever remembers to actually fight him once their business is taken care of. - Reptile:
At first was a super-secret green ninja that pretty much was a hyper-fast Scorpion with acid spit in-game, but in later games given a backstory and became a scaley with a vore fetish. - Jax:
"Gotcha!" Purple wearing black person with metal arms. Works with his parole officer Sonya Blade to keep his OUTRAGEOUS rape habit under the radar in exchange for pots, pans, and cleaning utensils. - Kitana:
Secretly old bitch who fights with two middle-school art projects that she got an F on. Has a flying punch move that makes absolutely no sense, and is Liu Kang's love-interest, making her an undeniable female pedophile when age ratios are taken into account. You blow up if she kisses you on the cheek, so when you have sex with her, a supernova ensures. - Mileena:
Kitana's less fortunate twin sister who was unable to afford aging creams. Kills her opponents by eating a box of nails and spitting them into her opponents' faces. (That, or she just eat them.) her outfits normally consist of thin belts and a crotch plate. - Smoke:
Sub-Zero's friend, known for, well, Smoking. That's it. Became a robot that'd make Al Gore's head explode with how much smog comes out of it. - Kurtis Stryker:
A riot cop who managed to become one of Raiden's Chosen Warriors. Has no super-human powers, yet manages to defeat other Kombatants with grenades, guns, and a nightstick, bringing many to wonder why Raiden didn't just send the U.S. Military to fight the forces of Shao Khan. (Note: For major LULZ, play as Stryker in MK3/UMK3 against Jax and perform the Taser Fatality.) - Noob Saibot:
Another character without a purpose. He is supposedly the bigger brother of the good Sub-Zero. He was white in the MK1 but in every other random place he shows up he has turned himself black using a crayon or something, making him a wigger and a black face. Has the ability to shoot a spear made out of chicken and watermelon from his hands and uses his "black hole" to daze others. Likes to finish a fight off by having to choke a bitch and eating his spear. - Kung Lao:
Liu Kang's best friend, despite the fact that he usually ends up killing him. Has a sharp hat that splits people in half, which makes no sense since half the battle has him throwing the hat. For some reason it either just tears at their chest a little or it cuts their head off. IDK, the whole series makes no fucking sense. - Sheeva:
Seriously, what the fuck is she? Furry at its worst, no doubt. - Sektor/Cyrax:
Evil robotic ninjas that used nukes, nets, missiles...and still got beaten by a glorified mallcop and chinks. Bled oil instead of blood, making levels look like an octopus came all over the room. - Jade:
A ninja kombat whore that loves the color green and was a black person in the original games. The only reason she's still a character is because the game developers are creating a lesbian relationship with her and Kitana. She is supposed to hate Tanya for giving her the STDs. She shove's a bo staff up the opponent's pee hole and shakes them until the cum inside themselves, making them explode. She may also uppercut you to fall down and be deathspiked by her long hard bo staff. - Tanya:
She is a nigger who has a hobby of putting people's head between her vagina and thighs, holding that position for some time while she is screaming, then breaking their neck. Her voice is more annoying than Sarah Palin, the whore judge from "So You Think You Can Dance," and Janis from Friends combined. If you hit her or touch her slightly she screams like she is being raped, and if she hits you she screams like she is being raped, there is just no wining in fighting her. - Darrius:
A black stereotype guy whos into karate. Plus he sounds like a white guy in the games. His alternate costume is, appropriately, that of a disco nigger from the seventies. - Quan Chi:
A faggot sorcerer and scorpion's punching bag. Hes supposed to be from some alien demon species called oni. He can also summon up green skulls and skull warriors. Has the awesome move of suddenly appearing above you and stomping you like grapes. - Shinnok:
A clown in makeup wearing a Fez, he is supposed to be one of the many gods of all evil,yet he makes a mistake of trusting Quan Chi as his bitch, only to be ass raped by him in the end. He is basically an evil wizard who can turn himself into anyone he wants, which is ZOMG SO CREATIVE amirite? - Ermac:
A ninja, that was a glitch in the first game, then they had the bright idea of making him an actual character. Has Criss Angel's telepathic powers. - Rain:
Can fuse with water and cause people to get hit with hail with near-godlike impunity, and yet somehow, still manages to get his ass kicked by every other ninja and pussy in-game. Also wears purple tights. Him and Reiko fuck every night. - Shao Khan:
supposedly the main bad guy, when you lose to Noob Saibot, he make the fact that You suck official (if somehow not already official). In one of the games, he sounds like he's having an orgasm on the finish him screen. - Nitara:
a goth twilight fan who cosplays while killing her opponents. She thinks she is a vampire, but in reality all she can do is drop kick the floor and break her pelvis. When she bites your neck, she pukes and just kicks you in the nuts instead. - Movado:
A Spanish fag who like leather and whips. He is Kabal's faggy anti clone but pretty much fails at this. he kills you by kicking you in the ribs. - Hsu Hao:
He is the game's main source of communism. All he does is be Korean for one hour of the game and then get killed. No one even noticed he died. - Kai:
He was a black person monk. his only accomplishment is being ghetto by bashing someone's head in with a bat. - Li Mei:
Lui Kang in female form. her legs have no joints in them so her pussy is exposed 100% when she preforms her cartwheel special. Unlike all the other characters in the 5th game, she actually DOES something. But like all of them, she dies when it is over. - Ashra:
a daemon, who decided to become a nun. After visiting church, she found out that if she kills enough gays, she will reincarnate as the bible thumping woman that she wishes to be. also the only girl in the game to wear actual pants. Also hates Nirtara (because all twilight fans must burn!) - Sindel:
She is the queen of Edenia and Kitana's mom. She is always on her period and makes your head explode with her yelling when she finds some dirt on her carpet. She made it a law that no girls can wear pants, and that guys have to wear tights. - Kintaro:
some sort of tiger with four arms. Sheeva's brother, except minus the deformities. - Jarek:
Kano's replacement, until they realized he sucked. his character design was a redneck Alladin. - Kira:
Kano and Sonya's lovechild that they left on the streets. She grew up helping terrorists. She was going onto the plane when Kabal found her and paired her up with Kobra. In most of their endings, the two screw each other over. - Kobra:
Kano and a Hadouken spammer's lovechild. He is a mugger from new-york city who thought killing was fun, and wanted to teach all the children about it. Kabal recruited him and made him work with Kira and her massive amount of cleavage. - Frost:
female sub zero in a nutshell. She is a cybergoth raver who tried to steal Sub-Zero's bling. before he could pimp smack her, she accidentally froze herself solid. Sub knew not to ever kill his hoes, so he just stored her in the back closet of his ninja temple. - Bo Rai Cho:
a fatass who's actual finisher involves puking and sitting on his opponent. Fat version of drunken Jakie Chan. - Dairou:
an assassin. He pays no part in the entire storyline. - Sareena:
She was a former satanist with her shemale sisters. The old Sub-Zero killed her sisters, so she decided to have sex with him and convert to Buddhism. Shinnok didn't like this so he killed her. She came back to life, but she couldn't preform fatalities anymore, so Sub-Zero #2 though that he might as well have another ho on his team. Unlike most of the girls, she lives until the end of the world. - Reiko:
An Emo Raver who gets high on ecstasy and bones Rain in the ass every other night. He wants to be Shao Kahn one day, but no one seems to care about him enough to elect him. - Shujinko:
A senile old man who was told he would save the world if he gathered 6 sacred, hidden, and extremely powerful artifacts and gave it to a red sparkly cloud. The cloud turned out to be the evil dragon king and then went to destroy the world. Nice going asshole. - Kenshi:
a blind Ermac. He has no actual purpose to the story except being a samurai. His only accomplishment was killing Sheeva. - Fujin:
Yet another useless character. He is Raiden's fellow god, and he is about as "godly" as him. he controls the wind or something. He never kills anyone. - Baraka:
This freaky ass thing is Mileena's bitch and has big long blades shooting out from his arms. Even though he has the mouth of a rottweiler and a shark having sex, he never uses this.
Media
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Fatalities
Believe it or not, the first in the series was a gimmicky cash-in on Street Fighter 2. Gimmicky elements included digitized graphics, cartoon blood, and finishing moves. In its own time, the game caused such an outrage that it was discussed on the floor of Congress. It's not like it's baseball, amirite? Mortal Kombat featured unique ways of killing your opponents, such as tearing off a body part, burning off a body part, or hitting a body part really hard. Also included were Babalities, Animalities, Brutalities, and Friendships.
Importance to the World of Video Games
The first one showed the level of outrage that Republicans can whip up to distract the world from what they do in their private lives. Since Mortal Kombat 3 the series has provided the industry with an example of a franchise that should just have been allowed to die peacefully in its sleep a long, long time ago.
Mortal Kombat is now an official iProduct
In a brilliant move EA an Warner Brothers have further raped a great legacy game by tossing a shitty port onto apple iProducts. Play a game that requires no less than 8 buttons and multi-directional spin moves on your touch screen... Fucking idiots. Also Kintaro is a warping cunt, and will turn your asshole inside out while you smash buttons in futile prison rape frustration.
Fuck this shit
Liu Kang being a cheap juggling cunt
Obligatory Rule 34
See Also
External Links
- Official Website
- TOW
- IMDb
- Mortal Kombat Online
- Mortal Kombat Warehouse
- Even the individual games each have their own website.
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Mortal Kombat is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |