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Machiavelli
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STEP THE FUCK OFF! Machiavelli looks like shit but it is NOT a {{crapstub}}. It is a work in progress! If you require assistance beefing up this article, then hit up the experts on our IRC.
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—The most invaluable advice for any young troll or IRL dictator. | ||
Niccolo Machiavelli is the world's greatest hero (not to be confused with those who commit suicide in a particularly lulzworthy manner). He wrote the definitive handbook to how one should take control of the Internet. Every aspiring totalitarian and wannabe troll should read of his methods.
The Man
Let's face it, you didn't come to ED to read about an old Italian who died over 400 years ago. You came here to pretend that you're net-savvy and fap off to this. How proud of your life are you, eh? Will you ever feel a woman's touch? Will you ever be loved? Probably not. But you can get tips on both OL and IRL blackmail and manipulation from this great man.
Shit Everybody Cares About
Machiavelli got into a lot of trouble over various political stuff, and ended up being tortured in unspeakable ways. After this considerable embarassment, he was released and ran away with his family where the authorities wouldn't pick on him. He then wrote a very famous book based on his life and his experiences of stabbing people in the back for his own ends called The Prince, which is the ultimate guide to how to pwn your bastard enemies and gain the power that you richly deserve.
Invaluable Trolling Methods
First, acquire from any reputable independent literary purveyor a edition of the exquisite tome known as "The Prince". Despite being nearly 500 years old this delightful and highly useful book has been merrily stirring up more shit than Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf.
Although his books were adapted to actual, real-life politics involving murder, bribery and warfare (i.e. shit with consequences) and not online bitchfesting, for the average modern day basement dweller his rules and methods can easily be applied to the internet, allowing you to become the most badass troll on the web - at least in your mind.
Quotes
Previous Quote | Next Quote
On Rivals:
- There is no middle ground. Either be preparded to suck dick like a drunk freshman college girl or lead them to epic ruin.
- When leading rivals to epic ruin there are no half-measures. Once started you must destroy everything they own and care about. Doing half-assed job leaves them just angry enough to think about taking revenge.
- Your rival's rivals are not your friends. Like fat geeky tech kids, they are for your amusement alone. If your rivals are as weak as American beer, you do not let them gain further power. This, for example, is why you pay fat geeky tech kids in chocolate bars for their favours. They will only grow fatter, ensuring they have no chance of being more popular than you. However, if your rival's rivals are strong, you must get your weaker rivals to destroy them under the pretext of friendship. This has the advantage of weakening both. To use another metaphor, it is like sending the aforementioned tech kids in suicide jackets after the local jock.
See Also
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Machiavelli is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |