In defense of slandered heroes

This guy's about to take you to school.

In defense of slandered heroes is histlolian Andrew A. Weevlos' series speaking for those who can not speak for themselves. Below we have the unabridged series.

Part 1: Nero

Weak and frail? I don't think so.

Sometimes a leader comes around who does so much for the common man that the media has no choice but to crucify him in history. Few today dare consider running against the tide of the New World Order. There is one leader of history of which the slander to his name propagated so thoroughly into public perception that it makes it difficult to make allegorical comparisons to some of the most important events in Western civilization.

Nero.

Nero was a real man. A shrewd tactician that knew how to successfully use military force and successfully subjugated Armenia to Roman dominance. Though many historical accounts of Nero describe him as weak and frail, one may know merely by looking at a bust that he had a noble face from which blue eyes burned fiercely.

Nero was a visionary of Western democracy, implementing reforms that would take until the advent of the United States Constitution to appear again. To quote Tacitus, "Restrictions were also put on the powers of the aediles and a limit fixed to the amount of bail or penalty which curule and plebeian aediles could respectively exact." There's the spiritual source to the eighth amendment to the Constitution of our nation.

Quoth Suetonius, "no one who wrote a will for another should put down a legacy for himself." Nero was the first implementor of conflict of interest statutes for attorneys and a system of notaries, as it was common practice upon a rich white man's death for some Jew lawyer to come up with a fake will that left all his estate to some kike. "Clients should pay a fixed and reasonable fee for the services of their advocates, but nothing at all for benches, which were to be furnished free of charge by the public treasury." There's the right to due process and counsel, courtesy of Nero.

Faced with these reforms, the Senate subsequently demanded that patrons should have a right to gather freedmen as forced labor. "During the same time there was a discussion in the Senate on the misconduct of the freedmen class, and a strong demand was made that, as a check on the undeserving, patrons should have the right of revoking freedom." Nero's response? "The emperor replied to the Senate that, whenever freedmen were accused by their patrons, they were to investigate each case separately and not to annul any right to their common injury."

Nero literally prevented the re-enslavement of those who had earned their freedom.

The Senate continued doing skeevy shit to try to enact debts on those who had not drafted them. They made attempts to make the crimes of one apply to all who live under a given roof. "Cingonius Varro had proposed that even all the freedmen under the same roof should be transported from Italy. This the emperor forbade, as he did not wish an ancient custom, which mercy had not relaxed, to be strained with cruel rigour." Nero cut it off.

As emperor, Nero repeatedly rooted out corrupt officials, arresting many. He did something unprecedented with the first rule of government transparency in history, the likes of which are not even matched by our own government-- "Accordingly the emperor issued an edict that the regulations about every branch of the public revenue, which had hitherto been kept secret, should be published" as well as reforms which prevented the unjust levy of taxes "that claims which had been dropped should not be revived after a year; that the praetor at Rome, the propraetor or proconsul in the provinces, should give judicial precedence to all cases against the collectors." He lowered many of the taxes upon basic needs, food and housing, that were borne entirely upon the poor and working classes.

So in AD 64, Rome supposedly burned. Though a big deal is made of this now, only Tacitus, who hated Nero, wrote much about it. Tacitus had an obvious bias against Nero and took every chance he could to slander him. Nobody else even mentioned it. However, let's say, for the sake of argument, that Nero really did fiddle while the city burned. Rome at the time was filled with a bunch of parasitic, decadent faggots that insisted upon fraud or slavery as means by which they could earn their living. Would it not be a good thing if such men were deprived of homes and goods, or if, better yet, they were to die in the blaze? I wouldn't have just fiddled as those disgusting liberal sodomites burned alive. I would have had a full bluegrass band running through the streets fiddlin', pickin' and strummin', all the while curbstomping faggots to add percussion to the ensemble. The attitude that Nero was at fault reminds me of Orange County, where families with feigned personalities ripped straight off of "The Hills" played Ponzi schemes with real estate and then cried to the state for aid when their uninsured properties burn down.

There's a reason insurance along the Santa Ana brush corridor was prohibitively expensive. You have lived a life divorced from work and reality. Take a second away from drinking and fucking to pick up a hose and defend your homes from fire, assholes. Don't expect the state to do everything for you.

What started the fire? Nobody is sure, but a later event makes me suspect arson by treasonous terrorists.

Eventually, the Jews were Nero's downfall. Long known for their parasitism, the Jews began to revolt as a result of Nero's reforms. No longer allowed to take Greeks at random to be slaves, and no longer allowed to defraud the state in secret, the Jews turned to revolt. Nero immediately began to quell the rebellion, but as he achieved success the Senate and praetorians conspired against him, forcing him to flee Rome. Nero's biggest mistake was not having the entire slavery-supporting Senate executed from the beginning. He should have killed them all and proceeded to crush Jerusalem entirely, scattering its revolting people to the winds. Failure to do so was one of the greatest mistakes in the history of Western civilization.

So next time somebody makes a point using Nero and fiddles, be sure to respond, "yeah, God bless Nero."

Next time: Nixon! The greatest leader of the Western world since Andrew Jackson.

(Original LiveJournal post)

See Also

• Irony
• Reputation Defender See above