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Touhou

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Leaking and bleeding - that's what happens when you don't utilise focused movement.

Touhou (東方), or the Touhou Project, refers to a series of overhead shooting games created and developed by an alcoholic Japanese pedophile named Zun. First developed for the NEC PC-9801 line of computers, the games are now developed for Windows to better enable total world domination. The Touhou series is a pioneer of the danmaku shooter genre of video games, featuring several elements essential to any good Japanese video game, including rapidly flashing lights, MIDI music and little girls. The characters in Touhou are very static and boring, yet despite this, they are all over the fucking internet, essentially making Touhou the Japanese equivalent of Team Fortress 2. Since its conception, Touhou has done its capitalist nation proud by rapidly becoming the most successful franchise in Asian geekdom since the used tampon industry.

The Gameplay

WTF Y U THROW ALL THAT SHIT AT ME FOR
Touhou in easy mode.
   
“ 		 
touhou aint games it's a psych test for OCD
  		„
  		 

—a Famous Touhou Player

   
“ 		 
HOLY FUCK, THIS GAME IS IMPOSSIBLE, EVEN THE BULLETS SHOOT BULLETS
  		„
  		 

—another Touhou player

Unlike most Japanese games made for the PC, Touhou disappointingly does not revolve around tentacle rape, ordinary rape, or even dyke rape (don't worry, there's plenty of fan-made hentai doujins that have such content). Instead, the Touhou games are populated by an unnaturally wide selection of underage girls flying over vast and breathtaking landscapes, shooting the living fuck out of each other with thousands upon thousands of colourful bullets, referred to collectively as "danmaku".

A child's depiction of danmaku.

Danmaku (弾幕) is not the name of a dead CBS newscaster; it is a Japanese word that means "bullet curtain" or "curtain fire". It describes quite aptly the way Touhou rapes its player with an apocalyptic hail of colorful death, raining down on your flying 16 year old girl like a gay pride parade from the lowest and darkest layer of Hell. All this shit raining down on you basically turns Touhou from a point-and-shoot game to an OH-GOD-HOW-THE-FUCK-DO-I-GET-OUT-OF-THE-WAY game. Obviously, these games are for retards, and whoever originally wrote this subsection. One common side-effect of playing Touhou games is massive seizures. Another common side-effect is danmaku sickness, wherein the sufferer is adversely affected when faced with sets of brightly-coloured or shiny objects; Touhou players are notorious for fucking up their cars in nighttime traffic accidents. It is not uncommon to find one driving in the wrong lane, attempting to graze oncoming traffic and collect pedestrians for extra points. The only people who are immune to these side effects are blind kung-fu masters and/or people who need to get laid. A third side effect is being uncontrollably stupid as a result of playing such a shitty game when you could be masturbating or playing a game that doesn't suck cock. (See: the original author of this subsection.)

If you play on easy mode, women will make fun of the size of your dick for the rest of your life. Also see Japanese women laughing at FAILS

Touhou comes in several flavours: easy, normal, hard, fucking hard, extra fucking hard, lunatic, and WTF. Easy mode is generally reserved for elementary school kids and paraplegics. If you play Touhou on easy mode, it is suggested that you an hero immediately, as only babies play on easy mode(especially considering Touhou is one of the easier danmakus out there.).

The Musics

Apart from the seizure-tastic gameplay, one of Touhou's key attractions (!) is its music. No, really. Despite being MIDI music, a lot of it is actually pretty good and has been remixed into some surprisingly kick-ass shit. It is a well known fact that anyone who likes Touhou music loves cock and has aids. Anyone with real taste knows to stay far the fuck away from Touhou music.

A few of the original songs are so good that they have become Internet famous all on their own. For instance, if you have ever been McRolled, you have listened to Touhou music:

   
“ 		 
FACT: Every Touhou newfag has seen McRoll. Please give them the proper hazing ritual.
  		„
  		 


IOSYS

IOSYS is a file in your Windows folder that is necessary for Touhou to play its music files correctly. Before attempting to play Touhou you should remove this file from C:\, place it in your Touhou folder and reboot your computer so that the change can take effect. As an homage to this important file, most Touhou music on the interbutts is marked as being made by IOSYS, regardless of who actually made the music... Or not. Don't worry - we fucktard Touhou fans have no idea what we're talking about. Feel free to ignore us.


A Typical IOSYS Video
A Typical Reaction Afterwords
A Typical Reaction Afterwords

The Gr4phix

The secret to his success

To any game (especially Halo), there is an Achilles Heel, a weak point that can be attacked for massive damage. That weak point, in Touhou's case, must be its graphics. Touhou is probably the most successful video game to ever have survived with such fugly graphics. Zun does, of course, have the excuse of being piss ass drunk when he creates it. Thankfully, Touhou's huge fanbase means that a shitload of generally high-quality fanart is available to help you unsee the horror that is the official art.

How to Draw like Zun

A few simple design rules to keep in mind if you want to draw flying lolis like Zun:

  1. Blood alcohol level of at least .89 is mandatory when drawing.
  2. You must give your loli a hat, or some other head accessory. Without this, your loli will die.
  3. Remember, a fat face with big bug-eyes is mandatory. Use a Mr. Potato-Head for inspiration.
  4. To draw hair, look at a mop and let your imagination do the rest.
  5. Hide hands and fingers behind the back to avoid drawing them.
  6. The more bows, ribbons and frills, the better your character design.

The Fans

Even faggots can like Touhou.
Teh Strongest Guro in Gensokyo?
When Touhou collides with the product of a politically correct educational system, the results aren't pretty.

The Touhou fandom is fanatical and large. A mass that threatens to overtake Arrakis and claim the spice for itself. Devotion is a gross understatement to these basement dwellers; Touhou is not a game, it is a way of life, the only way that the God Emperor Zun approves of. Their investment into Touhou makes cultists look like ordinary peaceful church commuters. Touhou fans have a way of growing faster than mold on a bar bathroom. The extreme growth spurts can only be explained by crushing your scouter while commenting on high numbers.

And like the bloated, bruised, and impregnated tentacle rape victim it is, the Touhou fandom has vomited from its bleeding birthing canal a shocking amount of amalgamated fan works. They range from poorly programmed carbon copies of the originals to dating sims that revolve around family values; there was even a fighting game made from it. Let's not forget the silly pokemon mod, Touhoumon. The only redeeming factor about the fan works is that they all invariably have better art than the originals.

The following video has at least 100% chance of inducing rage unto any "hardcore" Touhou Fan.

A typical Touhou fan trying to download one of the games while chatting on a shoutbox:

(24 May 2010 - 05:28 AM)fucking touhou 8 still has 4 more hours till it's finished downloading.

(24 May 2010 - 07:19 AM)4 minutes till touhou 8 is finished downloading.

(24 May 2010 - 07:20 AM)no wait 1

(24 May 2010 - 07:20 AM)1 minute till loli heaven.

(24 May 2010 - 07:23 AM)Ok where the fuck is my fucking touhou

(24 May 2010 - 07:26 AM)WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO

(24 May 2010 - 07:26 AM)I WANT MY FUCKING TOUHOU

(24 May 2010 - 07:27 AM)WHAT SORT OF CRUEL JOKE IS THIS

(24 May 2010 - 07:30 AM)OH THANK GOD FOUND IT

(24 May 2010 - 07:30 AM)*starts making out with computer screen*

(24 May 2010 - 07:30 AM)Ok enough of that

(24 May 2010 - 07:52 AM)Man I haven't played this game in awhile

(24 May 2010 - 07:52 AM)I have to play on fricken easy mode with the easiest characters

(24 May 2010 - 07:53 AM)Instead of my usual maid, vampire little girl combination

(24 May 2010 - 07:53 AM)Well time maid

Touhou Anime Project

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Out of all the fans who makes Touhou manga for others to read or put Touhou IN FUCKING EVERYTHING, the one who made this shows that he is the true hardcore fan out of all of them. Wasting at least 100 years of his life where he could have been doing something productive, he instead used them to make this. Many fans had a simultaneous orgasm and looked for the author begging for more, but apparently the creator realized he won't get laid with a woman for making anymore episodes because all fans of Touhou are either pedophiles, lesbians, or pre-pubescent girls. With over a year since the first episode, many fans moved on to fap to some other loli shit are now fapping to the second episode.

The ZUN

Fanart

Alcoholic, pedophile, god: whatever you want to call him, ZUN is everything a man can strive to be, a paragon of virtue and meaty muscle powered by vats of the finest spirits. Where ZUN treads, Touhou fans fall to their knees offering their virgin mouths and buttholes to please their radiant emperor. Usually with alcohol.

Currently, he has no interest in exporting his games to America because in his words "Shmups are too hard for Americans"(Either that, or his blood type is budweiser). And who can blame him for saying that when Americunts consider Fail of Duty and Halo to be the hardest games they ever played (even though they're playing on fucking Easy Mode of all things)? However, western fans have created mods to change the game's dialogue from Moonspeak to English. Not that it makes the games remotely easier.

Despite people pirating his games, people who have met him has reported that he still lives like a king just from making games. Now's a good time to ask yourself what you're doing with your life because after you finish reading this line, ZUN just made even more money.

Gallery

TAKE IT EASY!

A meme involving giant, disfigured Touhou heads. Also known as Yukkuri, they were first discovered on 2chan when an Anon tried to make a Shift_JIS portrait of Reimu and Marisa and failed horribly, prompting the original fanart as a response (see below).

They are currently infesting every corner of the interbutts, and will continued to be reposted everywhere until you like it. 

　　 _,,....,,_　 ＿人人人人人人人人人人人人人人人＿
-''":::::::::::::｀''＞　　　ゆっくりしていってね！！！　　　＜
ヽ:::::::::::::::::::::￣^Ｙ^Ｙ^Ｙ^Ｙ^Ｙ^Ｙ^Ｙ^Ｙ^Ｙ^Ｙ^Ｙ^Ｙ^Ｙ^Ｙ^￣
　|::::::;ノ´￣＼:::::::::::＼_,. -‐ｧ　　　　　＿_　　 _____　　 ＿_____
　|::::ﾉ　　　ヽ､ヽr-r'"´　　（.__　　　　,´　_,, '-´￣￣｀-ゝ 、_ イ、
_,.!イ_　　_,.ﾍｰｧ'二ﾊ二ヽ､へ,_7　　　'r ´　　　　　　　　　　ヽ、ﾝ、
::::::rｰ''7ｺ-‐'"´　 　 ;　 ',　｀ヽ/｀7　,'＝=─-　　　 　 -─=＝',　i
r-'ｧ'"´/　 /!　ﾊ 　ハ　 !　　iヾ_ﾉ　i　ｲ　iゝ、ｲ人レ／_ルヽｲ i　|
!イ´ ,' |　/__,.!/　V　､!__ﾊ　 ,'　,ゝ　ﾚﾘｲi (ﾋ_] 　　 　ﾋ_ﾝ ).| .|、i .||
`! 　!/ﾚi'　(ﾋ_] 　　 　ﾋ_ﾝ ﾚ'i　ﾉ　　　!Y!""　 ,＿__, 　 "" 「 !ﾉ i　|
,'　 ﾉ 　 !'"　 　 ,＿__,　 "' i .ﾚ'　　　　L.',.　 　ヽ _ﾝ　　　　L」 ﾉ| .|
　（　　,ﾊ　　　　ヽ _ﾝ　 　人! 　　　　 | ||ヽ、　　　　　　 ,ｲ| ||ｲ| /
,.ﾍ,）､　　）＞,､ _____,　,.イ　 ハ　　　　レ ル｀ ー--─ ´ルﾚ　ﾚ´



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Touhou and 4chan

The Hijack

Stop making shitty threads or I'll fuck your shit up, ze~
The beginning of the end. Remember when /a/ was good?

Like the AIDS virus, Touhou came to 4chan.

The Touhou Hijack image, originally made popular by a Russian tripfag who wrote a large amount of Perl scripts in order to annoy the general population of /a/, was an ominous MS paint picture used to mark the beginning of a Touhou Hijack, a process where a shitty thread is descended upon with Touhou fan art (perfect since there's infinite amounts of it), like a tsunami descending upon a small Philippine village. Touhou Hijack, though most commonly found in /a/, had snaked its child killing tendrils into such other large boards as /v/, /m/, even /b/ (though any kind of child harming in /b/ is redundant, completely pointless since any thread on /b/ cannot last longer than 2 minutes due to the fact that all /b/tards suffer from ADD).

Touhou Hijack was actually rarely used on /a/, since performing an hijack manually is extremely boring. Nevertheless, Touhou was used as a scapegoat that lead to the split of /a/ and the creation of /jp/, a split that ultimately made the population of /a/ go from pathetic anti-social college student weeaboos to a bunch of underage b& Narutards.

As of this writing, 50% of all threads on /jp/ are Touhou threads. 49% consist of troll threads, under the form of "I hate women" or the popular "Shiki can kill servants. Discuss." threads. The remaining 1% are threads created by people who believe /jp/ is about Japan.

Touhou 40k

It is better to die for Mistress Yuyuko than live for yourself.

Tolerated in /a/, violently hated in /v/ (because they hate weeaboo shit) Touhou, oddly enough, thrived on /tg/. Apparently, the lonely warhammer tabletop gamers - souls who spend their lives painting miniature figures as a substitute to discovering the joys of womenz and sex - have found an amorous attraction to this xenomorph, as well as the finest drawfags outside of /i/ and /b/. Whatever the mind-boggling reason may be, Touhou's ability to survive and prosper on /tg/ shall remain one of nature's mysteries until subject to further study.

Memes

Like any subculture that proliferates on the corrupt soil of 4chan, western fans of Touhou have brought many existing memes or invent new ones, full of creativity and hilarity, and flavored, whether they care to admit it or not, with the blackened heart of anonymous.

Bad Apple!!

Last thursday, someone was bored enough to make an iPod video for the song "Bad Apple!!" by Alstroemeria Records, a crappy tehcno song by itself. Touhoufags ejaculated in unison upon seeing the video in all its black and white glory. Bad Apple eventually got on CNN. From here, we can learn two things about CNN: 1) CNN doesn't know how to use Google and 2) CNN is very gullible.

Bad Apple on CNN... I am disappoint.

The shadow-art version and a full-color version.

Shadow art running on an NES.

A typical fan cover. Note that Touhou fans tend to smear their own feces
across their faces and start to yell around like this once they realize that
the games cannot actually be beaten and characters as Flandere
are nothing but a lie made up by the fandom to have some more loli-butt.

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See Also

External links

Touhou is part of a series on

Gaming

Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

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