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Game of Thrones
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BREAKING NEWS!! Game of Thrones Visual Effects Editor Katherine Chappell Mauled to Death By Lion in South Africa |
Game of Thrones is a long-format pornography that airs Sundays on HBO based on a series of books that are the very textbook definition of TL;DR.
Plot
A metric fuckton of dull characters all around a generic alternate version of the Dark Ages where smug aristocrats endlessly drink wine and talk about boring shit nobody but casuals and WoWfags care about. Then, they all have sex and/or failcest with each other and die while fighting over who gets to be gangbanged. End of rine.
In short, It's "Downton Abbey" at a Ren-faire, except they solve their disputes by murdering each other.
The series is based on the Song of Ice and Fire series of novels, which are basically Lord of the Rings with less ambiguously gay midgets, more incest, and random lesbian quickies. In order to understand the subtle differences, compare Torchwood to Doctor Who, or Mass Effect to Star Trek. You'll notice that actual story is replaced with torture, sex, and gayness.
Sean Bean's Ghost
Like in every other movie, television show, video game, or pornography that he has appeared in, Sean Bean dies. He begins the series as the defacto main character before plot twist demanded that he be M. Night Shyamalan'd to death, thus finally hitting his Diamond Death Jubilee and transcending into Valhalla. Sean Bean's career is essentially the show "1000 Ways to Die" made flesh. This is because "The Sean Bean Effect" is so armor-piercing it even penetrates 10 layers of Plot Armor.
The Imp
This section, like Peter Dinklage, is too short, and needs moar pint-sized badassery. But here's a vid of Joffrey gettin' pimpslapped like the bitch-ass ho he is.
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You know you suck when a guy half your size slaps three shades of silly out of you, right in front of your own bodyguard.
Sexposition
The show's dialogue is so boring and long-winded that writers decided on using sex to keep viewers attention since the fanbase consists of cellar-dwellers, man-children, wiccans, and yaoi-fangirls.
An example scene may go something like this:
- Jon Snow: Blah blah blah honor of the Night's Watch...
- Background: Two dudes begin a train on this voluptuous hooker. As the surly armorer removes his helm he jams his powerful rod into the whore's fleshy cage. She moans vigorously as the bulky armorer bends lower to grant a fruity trap entrance to his hairy vortex. The sounds of ball-slapping and ecstasy echo throughout the chamber while the hefty milkmaid feeds goats beyond the window with her massive medieval tits. The man shoots his load as the wench lets out a bellowing scream before he lowers his axe onto her neck. As her head rolls along the floor, the trap finishes and pats the armorer on the back, making some reference to the uselessness of women.
- Jon Snow: I'm a bastard child...
Characters
This show has way too many fucking characters. Below are the ones you'll care about.
Eddard "Ned" Stark: Main character of the first season. Eddard is the Lord of Winterfell, Warden of the North and head of the Stark family. He attempts to expose the fact that Joffrey "Baratheon" is a bastard born of incest. After the death of Robert Baratheon, the king, he tries to put Stannis Baratheon, Robert's younger brother, on the throne. Because he makes the retarded mistake of trusting Littlefinger (even after the latter repeatedly warned Ned not to trust him), Ned is assaulted by his own soldiers, and accused of being a traitor for denying Joffrey as rightful heir to the throne. He is then beheaded in front of his two daughters. Eddard is the very textbook definition of Lawful Good taken to stupid extremes.
Catelyn Stark: Eddard Stark's wife and Littlefinger's waifu. Hates Jon Snow, murdered at the Red Wedding. Resurrected for necrophiliac fun by a priest of the Red God. Oops, gigantic spoilers. But it doesn't matter anyway because it never happened in the series.
Robb Stark: Eddard Stark's oldest son and heir to be Lord of Winterfell. After his dad is killed, he loses his shit, declares the North independent, and styles himself the King in the North. Killed at a wedding because he'd decided to bone a chick that he hardly knew. See what happenens when you have sex before marriage, kids...
Sansa Stark: Elder daughter of Eddard Stark. She is basically Anastasia Steele. Is betrothed to Joffrey Baratheon. Despite the abuse she receives from Joffrey, she continues to stay with him even after he orders the death of her father and even after being offered safe passage back to Winterfell twice. Only after Joffrey decides to marry some other broad, (and once Sansa herself unwillingly marries Tyrion) does she realize the danger she truly is in and decides to GTFO. Just like her father, she makes the retarded mistake of trusting Littlefinger. She goes north with him to the Vale, only for Littlefinger to make out with her against her will, kill her aunt in front of her, and then give her in to the Bolton-occupied Winterfell to be married to Ramsay Snow, another sick fuck. She then escapes with Theon Greyjoy by jumping off the castle walls of Winterfell.
Arya Stark: Younger daughter of Eddard Stark. She is a tomboy. After the death of her father, she manages to escape King's Landing through posing as a boy and setting off north with a Night's Watch recruiter. Their trip was cut short by troops looking for Robert Baratheon's bastard son. She was then captured and taken to Harrenhal, which was ran by Lord Tywin Lannister, who employed her as his cupbearer. She later escapes with the help of some guy who can change his face, who gives her a coin from Braavos and teaches her the words Valar Morghulis. She is then taken in by the Brotherhood without Banners. Then Sandor Clegane, known as the Hound, finds her, and forces her to travel with him. He wants to ransom her to her mother, but just as he arrives at the Twins, the Red Wedding happens and her mother dies. Then he goes to the Vale to sell Arya to her aunt, only to find out she died three days ago. Then they are met by Brienne of Tarth, who fights the Hound and almost kills him. Arya then leaves him in the open to die. She meets a sailor from Braavos and gets there using the coin. She finds the faceless guy and joins his cult, but when she kills Meryn Trant, who went to a brothel to get little girls to abuse, she is rendered blind by the cult as punishment.
Brandon Stark: Blooming Otherkin and a lousy cripple. Crippled by Jaime Lannister throwing him out of the window when Bran climbed a tower only to see Jaime porking his own sister. Escapes Winterfell in secret when Theon Greyjoy captures it. Last seen travelling north for some hot gay fun with the Children of the Forest.
Rickon Stark: Literally who?
Jon Snow: Knows nothing. Is Eddard Stark's bastard son and goth. Frequently moans about being a bastard. He decides to become more of an outcast and joins the Night's Watch, a neutral organisation that once you join you can never unjoin. Despite his vows of celibacy, he eats a hot wildling's pussy. Shanked by his allies at the end of Season 5. PLOT TWIST: He's actually Jon Targaryen, Daenerys's long lost nephew, and was born of rape through Rhaegar Targaryen (Daenerys's big bro who dies 100 years ago before the series), and Lyanna Stark, Ned Stark's sister (who dies giving birth to Jon.). So actually he should be King. Actually, since Rhaegar was married to Elia Martell and Lyanna gave birth to Jon in the Tower of Joy which is in Dorne, Jon Snow's real name is Jon Sand and as a bastard he has no right to the throne.
Littlefinger (real name Petyr Baelish): I think Littlefinger is a pretty cool guy. eh is the mastermind behind the entire plot and doesn't afraid of anything.
Draco Malfoy Joffrey Baratheon: The supposed son of Robert Baratheon who is later revealed to be a product of incest between his mother and his uncle. He is sadist and a narcissist. After the death of Robert Baratheon he becomes the King. Killed at his own wedding as a result of a plot orchestrated by Littlefinger.
Myrcella Baratheon: Joffrey's younger sister, Tommen's older sister. Also a result of incest between Cersei and Jaime. Is hot as fuck, but is actually only about 16. She's betrothed to a Dornish prince, and Jaime and Bronn go on a mission to rescue her. She gets poisoned and dies.
Tommen Baratheon: Joffrey's younger brother. Also a result of incest between Cersei and Jaime. Becomes king after him. As a result of his older brother bullying him for many years, he's a massive pussy. Owns the cat named Ser Pounce.
Tyrion Lannister: Youngest of the Lannister siblings and TEH BEST CHARACTER IN GAME OF THRONES EVAR!!!!!11111 Slaps Joffrey like a little bitch and gets away with it. Despite being the size of an 8-year old, he is easily the most badass character in the entire show and the only character worth rooting that's not Jon Snow. He is put on trial for poisoning Joffrey, and his father Tywin sentences him to death even though he knows Tyrion didn't do it. Tyrion gets out of jail and kills Tywin on the shitter, then escapes to Pentos across the Narrow Sea and gets to Daenerys.
Cersei Lannister: Colossal brother-fucking bitch who does absolutely everything possible to keep herself queen. Sorely regrets it by the end of Season 5. She hates Tyrion and attempts to have him killed multiple times. Also a raging alcoholic.
Jaime Lannister: Colossal sister-fucking bastard who does absolutely everything possible to keep himself in a sexual relationship with his sister. He fails, but does not regret it by the end of Season 5. Is captured in the War of the Five Kings and has his right hand chopped off.
Lancel Lannister: Cersei's cousin and substitute incestuous fuckbuddy while Jaime is away. Works with Cersei to kill Robert Baratheon. Gets blackmailed by Tyrion into spying for him. Is almost killed at the battle of the Blackwater, then joins an insane religious militant organisation. Turns in Cersei for having sex with him before, for which she is stripped naked and shamed in front of the entire city.
Tywin Lannister: Father of Cersei, Jaime, and Tyrion, head of House Lannister and Warden of the West. Leads the Lannister forces in the War of the Five Kings, then becomes Hand of the King after taking all the credit for winning a battle that was actually won by Tyrion. Is actually the ruler of the Seven Kingdoms in all but title, since Joffrey and Tommen don't know shit about how to run a country. Tywin is the judge of Tyrion's trial and sentences him to death, and also sleeps with his hooker girlfriend, for which Tyrion later kills him while he's taking a shit.
Ramsay Snow: Bastard son of Roose Bolton. He is sent to reclaim Winterfell in the name of Robb Stark. After Theon Greyjoy's men betray him and surrender to Ramsay, Ramsay orders his men to kill Theon's men and burn Winterfell down. Ramsay is incredibly sadistic and enjoys torturing people for fun. When he captures Theon Greyjoy, he tortures him as a pastime. He chops off Theon's cock and sends it to his family in a box. He later marries Sansa Stark and becomes the Lord of Winterfell after Robb Stark's death. Also he rapes her, causing her to escape with the cockless Theon.
Hodor: Most memorable for only being able to say his own name. By far the most relatable character, since trying to remain interested in the various boring characters renders one about as coherent as Hodor himself. Once Bran is crippled, he carries him everywhere. His name isn't actually Hodor, it's Walder.
Daenerys Targaryen: Viserys Targaryen's younger sister and fuckbuddy. After her brother is killed, she claims to be the rightful heir to the Iron Throne because her family was the ruling dynasty before Robert Baratheon rebelled. Marries a horsefucker from Essos, then goes around Essos with her tribe accomplishing absolutely nothing for the entirety of Season 1. At the end of Season 1, dragons hatch from the three petrified dragon eggs she'd been given. She names herself the Mother of Dragons. She goes to Qarth, a city in the far east of Essos, and her dragons are stolen from her. She then hallucinates, and then does some magic shit with her dragons and burns a creepy guy alive. This is all that she accomplishes throughout Season 2. Later, she travels down to the three slaver cities of Astapor, Yunkai, and Meereen, and liberates them all with her army of the dickless Unsullied. However, she's so shit at justice that she only manages to hold Meereen. She fires her most trusted advisor for spying on her about three years ago, and has sex with a guy she'd met about a month ago. Her own dragon takes her to some grassy place where she's abducted by another tribe of the horsefuckers she's supposed to lead. So in summary, she accomplished absolutely nothing throughout the entirety of the series. She's also the blandest character of the entire series, with her only personality traits being MUH KHAL DROGO, MUH DRAGONS, MUH REVENGE, and MUH JUSTICE. Overrated as fuck.
Khal Drogo: Chief of a tribe of horsefuckers and Daenerys's husband. Despite being a badass warrior, he is put into a coma by an infected paper cut and smothered with a pillow.
Jorah Mormont: Exiled Westerosi knight. Friendzoned by Daenerys. Spies on her at first, then stops it. It comes back to bite him in the ass about three years later, when Daenerys finds out and fires him despite him being her most trusted advisor. However, he doesn't give up, captures Tyrion in a brothel in Volantis, and brings him back to Meereen. Contracts greyscale on the way there. Has to risk his life in gladiatorial combat in order to get back to Daenerys, who clearly said she didn't want to see him ever again.
Daario Naharis: Fucks Daenerys.
Viserys Targaryen: A raving lunatic who bullies and molests his sister. Gets drunk and insults a bunch of horsefuckers. Khal Drogo gets pissed off and kills him with a golden shower.
Oberyn Martell: Prince of Dorne, and TEH SECOND BEST CHARACTER IN GAME OF THRONES EVAR!!!!!111111 Will either kill or have sex with anyone who he sees. Comes to King's Landing for Joffrey's wedding, but in reality, it's to seek revenge for his sister, Elia Martell. Gregor Clegane, the same man who killed his sister, smashes his head open, because Oberyn had refused to finish him off before he admitted his crimes.
Theon Greyjoy: Raised by Ned Stark alongside Robb and Jon Snow. Is the son of Balon Greyjoy of the Iron Islands. Betrays the Starks and captured Winterfell. Gets captured by Ramsay Snow who cuts his dick off for the lulz. Has been Ramsay's sex slave (and rightfully so) since Season 3. Gets brainwashed by Ramsay, but then regains some of his senses and runs away with Sansa.
Robert Baratheon: King at the beginning of the series. Cersei's husband and Ned Stark's best friend. Is a massive alcoholic and manwhore. Killed by a plot orchestrated by Cersei and Lancel, who got him drunk at a boar hunt, which got him mortally wounded by a boar.
Stannis Baratheon: Robert Baratheon's younger brother and the one and only rightful king. Gets rekt in the battle of the Blackwater, where he attempts to take over King's Landing and Tyrion stops him by blowing up a ship. After that, he aimlessly travels around Westeros trying to somehow get back his throne. Also joins the religion of the Lord of Light and fucks a cultist priestess, who gives birth to a shadow assassin that kills Renly, Stannis's younger brother. Burns his own daughter alive at the stake. The Boltons defeat him when he tries to take over Winterfell, and he is killed by Brienne of Tarth.
Renly Baratheon: He is Stannis's and Robert's younger brother. Claims to be the rightful King of Westeros. He is also gay and his wife's brother is his fuckbuddy. Killed by Stannis's shadow assassin in front of his own bodyguard.
Melisandre: The red priestess that fucks Stannis and other people with royal blood, such as Robert's bastard Gendry and Jon Snow. Is the biggest bitch in the series after Cersei.
Davos Seaworth: Smuggler that is knighted by Stanis. Serves as his Hand of the King. Is taught how to read by Stannis's daughter. He is probably the most irrelevant out of all the irrelevant characters that pretend to be important.
Margaery Tyrell: Boobs. Marries Renly, then Joffrey, then Tommen.
Sandor Clegane: Known as the Hound. Half of his face was burned off by his big brother when he was little. He is initially Joffrey's bodyguard, then decides to fuck off. He finds Arya Stark and tries to ransom her to various family members only to find out that they're all being killed. Killed by Brienne of Tarth.
Varys: A fat bald eunuch. Has the biggest spy network in the world. Helps Tyrion get out of jail before his execution, then they escape to Essos.
Samwell Tarly: A fat and socially awkward member of the Night's Watch. Jon Snow's best friend. Gets a girl from Craster's keep, Craster being a guy who fucks hundreds of his own daughters to give him more offspring. He kills a White Walker and they escape to Castle Black. He fucks her and then goes who-knows-where to become a Maester.
Ygritte: Jon Snow's wildling girlfriend. Attempts to kill him later, dies in the battle of Castle Black.
See Also
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