Text Files

Back in the good old days of the internet before girls were allowed, everyone was seeking information that was too hot for school libraries. The first generation of basement dwelling H4X0rs set up crude dial up bulletin board systems, dial-up hours 11PM to 6AM only, where they distributed their 1337 E-zine textfiles through this early series of six or less tubes. Before we carry on, it should be noted that these textfiles were refereed to as "philes", "textfilez", "T-PHILEZ" or any other stupid shit that hackers thought would sound cool. 98% of the textfiles on the internet today are from this ancient era.

This is where T-PHILEZ come from. (Click for Urine Box Plans!!!!!111!ZMOG1!

A MODEM was a pre-internet drama generating device. It also converted T-PHILEZ into BEEPS and BOOPS.

Moreover, the information on this Information Super Highway consisted only of excerpts from The Anarchist Cookbook, Paladin-Press publications, and pirated copies of Commandar Keen. It is worth noting that there was pornography, however only on the gay thoroughfares.

While most of the authors of textfiles were either prepubescent or in their early teen-years, the authors of these angst-ridden poorly spelled love letters to growing up in suburbia are now grown-ups. Moreover, thanks to Jason Scott and his Pre-Internet Drama Archive, it is now possible to blackmail them IRL by threatening to publicize embarrassing things they wrote over 15 years ago. Thus, one can generate A++++++++ Internets drama out of pre-internets drama.

Internet Anarchy

The first and most famous t3xtph1l3z0rxz of them all was the infamous "The Anarchist Cookbook". Having this textfile made you an instant internet tough guy as well as giving you a 20+ ego boost. With the anarchist's cookbook, you were unstoppable! Classmates and the police cowered in your shining knowledge of how to blow shit up and whip up homemade drugs. This was originally translated from the IRL book of the same name by a 13 year old boy; nothing could have possibly gone wrong with this interpretation. Every other textfile afterwards were either one of the trillion variations on the original, school pranks, and/or other useless faggotry.

Textfiles Today

The textfiles of the old internet are still circulated to this day by such sites as Totse and Bombshock, but noone really cares. Most textfiles nowadays are videogame walkthroughs for fucking retards and/or those damn readme files that have no important information, because the fuck programmer decided to use a 10 megabyte help file instead, but still included the readme. The problem with internet users today, is that they all have ADD and consider textfiles TL;DR. The solution? Create small snippets of the original anarchist cookbook, put them all on a distribution site with a network of 13 year old boys. This solution was the site called: RottenEggs.

Textfiles are also used to make read-mes,which come as a surprise bonus with every single program ever. Contrary to the name, nobody ever reads them.

Text files According to a 16 Year Old Girl

Writing to Grandma using a text file

omg i got dis new version of windowz n it has a kEwL w3rd processor call notepad. U can save stuff as text filez, witch onlee suports basic charektarz, da defolt sistem font, and know imagezzz!!! I is sooooooo 1337 !!!!11!1!

Users Familiar With Text Filez

OldDirtyBtard
Richard Stallman
Tfo
Bill Gates
Linus Torvalds
woz
Me
anybody who has edited anything besides their homework

Users Not familer with T-philz

you
Anyone who uses this shit
Steve Jobs
hipsters
13 year old boys

textfiles.com

textfiles.com is a website that lets people born after 1975 experience the glory days of BBS culture. An archive of (wait for it) text files written by basement-dwelling 13-year-olds, Textfiles is the first place you should look if you want to build a bomb [1], commit credit card fraud [2], seduce a girl [3], or burn down your middle school. Of course, if you want to do any of these things successfully, you might be advised to look elsewhere.