Perth

Perth is a city in the middle of fucking nowhere (or as the Australians themselves say, "bum fuck nowhere") on the beach in Western Australia. It is one of only seven or eight ~~civilized~~ settlements on the huge and dangerous desert continent, and is internationally known as "The Land of Fires, Floods and Flies." Each year, the majority of Australia's buzzing set take their holiday from the endless deserts and descend upon Perth.

Perth in relation to the rest of the world

In the 21st century, Perth is a place so lovely that its native sons and daughters who live for any long-ish period in other parts of the world frequently die of homesickness, or become so homesick that they kill themselves. Scientists and doctors worldwide are baffled by this phenomena, as Perth is a regular contender for MOST BORING PLACE TO LIVE EVAR.

History

Perth was founded in the 19th century by convicts who had been exiled in disgrace from the convict colonies of Sydney and Melbourne, on the opposite side of the country. Back in those days it was known as the Bong River colony, ruled by the dictator John Forrest.

1933, Perth citizens had an opportunity to go to war with the rest of Australia. They didn't--and now they are forever CANBERRA's BITCH.

In 1984, Perth constructed its first power plant, supplying the local electricity needs. Previously electricity had to be shipped in from Singapore and sold at high costs to consumers.

1987 was an important year for Perth (and more importantly Fremantle) when convicted drug dealer Alan Bond paid the worlds Cartographers to include both towns on all future maps.

People

Perth is made up of various peoples, from bogans to yobbos. Lucky for you Perth is too far away for them to be of any concern to the rest of the world. Not to say that they won't rape and murder you if you make eye contact. Perth people are also IRL newbs, or poobs. Any music that doesn't sound like Aye-See-Dick-See is automatically branded as techno. Jazz is techno too and so is classical.

In Perth you can enjoy a unique lifestyle where your amputated left arm, right leg and your firstborn child can be traded for a pint of cat urine a.k.a. domestic beer and one weeks rent in an apartment nearly 1% bigger then a jail cell. Cardboard boxes don't come cheap these days and thus require renovation. Perth is also home to the friendliest Aboriginal who pimp your ride by smashing all your car windows in return for stealing your shit.

Famous people from Perth include Snapesnogger, The Joker, and the Claremont Serial Killer, a "true legend" (in local colliquial terms) who butchered a bunch of strippers and has still evaded capture. This can be explained by Perth's strong convict stock of murderous masterminds and half-arsed police force who plan on quitting when CCTV technology finally arrives to Perth via Londonistan.

Perth's top cultural moment of the decade

How Perthites deal with their friendly police

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Geography and Climate

The climate of Perth is delightful

It rains 13 months a year in Perth, and the average temperature is -33 degrees. Travelers are encouraged to pack clothing suitable for arctic climates, and a snow-mobile is also useful in the winter months.

Perth is situated on the Bong River, an open sewer which runs from the Swan Brewery in Canning Vale to Little Creatures Brewery in Fremantle.

Sport

The most common sport in Perth is Australian Football, or Foody, as it is known in the local dialect. Perth has a team in the national competition called the West Coke Eagles, who get buthurt by their main rivals the Freo Dongers.

Places to Visit

The Northbridge entertainment district is a great place for tourists to visit after hours, and offers many activities including: Street Fights, Binge Drinking, and Rape.

other places of interest include:

Balga
Rockingham
Kwinana
Bayswater
Lockridge
Graylands Mental Hospital

Places to avoid

Fremantle.
Claremont (if you're a fat blonde chick).
Casurina Prison.
Perth.

How to troll a Perth Newb (PooB)

Say that Melbourne (or <insert city here>) is sooooo much betta!!!111one
Use Internet slang IRL (note: this will severely rape a Perth inhabitant as there are no Internets in Perth)
Brag about how 2 years ago, you downloaded the movie he/she only just paid movie tickets for or
Tell him/her you can download free FOXTEL from the future by using this thing called Internets. -This will an hero both the average bogan unaware of the internets existance and the butthurt rich cunt minority over the piracy of Happy Feet.
Inform him/her that what they're wearing now looked really cool in the 80's and how you can't wait for another 30 years so they can wear the clothes you're wearing now.
Inform him/her that you had better Internets at least 100 years ago.
Ask why Perth is such a small village and why it never evolved into a city.

Gallery

It is a very long train ride to Perth
Skippy
Perth has a real problem with aboriginal drunkards
The brave youth of Perth were among the first to make a stand against Scientology