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Grand Theft Auto IV
Grand Theft Auto IV was bullshited as a "turning point in video game history" and unsurprisingly ended up being the most boring, unoriginal game in the series. It features on-the-fly ragdoll physics, washed up music bands, a pixelated subway system twice as confusing as New York's, Boeing 747s that never take off or land, endless taxing on runways, unoriginal vehicles (based on IRL cars), annoying-ass characters who wont stop fucking CALLING YOU 24/7, and a fuckload of useless dialogue.
The Storyline
GTA IV catches up on the 2008 American media theme of presenting Serbians as ultimate villains (because calling the villain Achmed Raschid would cause too much butthurt whining and between massive bombing and manipulation the Serbs can't do much about it). So the main character, Niko Belic, comes to Liberty City in hopes of escaping the harsh life of his country and meet up with his rich cousin Roman. But turns out that Roman not only bullshitted about his rich life, but also owes a metric fuckton amount of money to a lot of people. So Niko, being the Serbian immigrant that he is, finds himself taking up a life of murder, crime, and theft.
As badass as that sounds, Rockstar managed to make the game fucking boring since the first 5 hours consist of chasing a laundromat owner and stealing a Honda Civic, and the rest is only driving ugly-ass cars that drive like shit.
The only fun from the game comes from going on killing sprees like the people who made the following videos did:
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Characters
- Niko Bellic- The euro-trash, trackpants-wearing, main character in Grand Theft Auto IV. He is the Irish mafia's errand boy and looks exactly like Sasha from Behind Enemy Lines and Victor Zakhaev from Call of Duty modern warfare.
- Roman Bellic- Niko's fat, annoying cousin who only wants to see BEEG AMERICAN TEETEES. NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! NIKO LETS GO BOWLING! Fortunately he dies in his wedding if choose "Deal".
- Packie- Generic Irishman who drinks heavily yet is able to perfectly fire a gun. He shows up again in GTA5 in a "random" event you can stumble upon. Him and his mentally challenged friend are robbing a drugstore, but his aforementioned mentally challenged friend forgets to arrange for a driver or car to escape. So you help him and he becomes a new crew member on robberies, which can mean that unless you get him before you do the all 3 or 4 planned "scores" in the game he is completely fucking useless as a character.
- Brucie- A hyperactive FPS Doug-ripoff who does steroids, fixes cars, and has orgies with Roman.
- Little Jacob- A Jamaican nigger that talks like he has a dick in his mouth and most likely smells like shit. "Wha gwan me bredda."
- Dwayne- Another nigger, but at least this one wants to kill himself (probably because he got raped in prison). Kill him instead of Playboy X. If you let Dwayne live, the only thing he gives you is a change of clothes and a penthouse.
- Michelle/Karen- The local town bicycle who pretends to be your girlfriend, but ends up being a double agent.
- Dimitri Rascalov- A Russian who looks just like Steve Jobs. He gets pissed when his comrades sell porn without him. You eventually kill him.
- Jimmy Pegerino- Useless Wop who betrays you in the end.
- Bernie- One of Niko's war-buddies. Apparently, the only reason Niko came to Liberty City was because he thinks this guy is the one that betrayed him and caused the death of his village. Unsurprisingly, turns out that the traitor is another guy.
- Darko Brevich- The guy that sold Niko out. He looks exactly like Niko except that he looks like he has never brushed his teeth. Whether you choose to kill him or not doesn't matter, sinse Niko bitches about his decision either way.
- Vlad- Some asshole who makes you throw bricks at Asian people and steal Honda Civics. You kill him after you realize that he's fucking Roman's fiancee.
- Hossan- Roman's taxi driver. The only worthwhile character in the game.
- Jew- A dirty Jewish biker. Need I say more?
- Luis Lopez- A Mexican who fucks up your diamond deal and your bank robbery.
- Gracie Ancelotti- Rich mafia boss's daughter, you kidnap her for a ransom.
- Kate McCreary - The love interest of the story (the story nobody gives a shit about when playing the game). She's not worth dating, doesn't give you anything special, thus is completely fucking useless.
- Muhammed, a taxi driver working for Roman whom you can call to drive you to places. During these trips, he goes on many misogynistic, lulzy rants. For example, watch this video
- Eddie Low, A stereotypical serial killer whom the player can read about online. Eventually, you can meet Eddie as a random character. After a few missions, Eddie randomly attacks Niko before being put down like the degenerate freak Eddie is. Eddie has almost all of the stereotypes of a serial killer, and has posted on various websites (in-game) that provide you with epic lulz. Eddie is your god. Eddie is the best character in the entire GTA series. Eddie did WTC
— Random in-game hobo | ||
Expansion packs
The Lost and Damned
TLAD follows the story of jewish hogrider Johnny Clitrubz doing drive-bys with his buddies from their clubhouse.
The Ballad of Gay Tony
AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG AY YO MANG I don tink das a good idea, Tone mang.
Media attention and Drama
Even before it was released, GTA IV was causing drama in the tubes. So many obsessed fat fanboys tried to access the preview trailer at once they crashed Rockstar's servers, leading to much butthurt and bitching.
Of course, Jack Thompson jumped on GTA IV before it was released, calling it the spawn of Satan and the very tool that will unravel the fabric of modern society. Sadly, Jack didn't realize Rockstar wasn't in the mood for frivolous lawsuits, and immediately told him to STFU by tap dancing on the First Amendment. They also made a character in the game very similar to Jack Thompson whom you must assassinate. During the interview, if you pull out the right gun, the character will mention what a fine gun it is, and that only video games cause violence. This caused Jack to BAWWWW hard.
Does it end there? Fuck no. Multiplayer is perhaps the funniest retard haven this side of the internets. Free mode often leads to tears from 14 year old boys. It's "free mode", so you'd expect people's player characters to die while fucking around. But no, killing people in free mode is really murder and you should be executed if you do it! They have deathmatch for that!
Awesome New Features
Awesome new features of GTA IV include:
- Air Hockey - FUCK YEAH, OH TOTALLY!
- Bowling - HOLY SHIT! WHAT, OH MAN!
- Darts - YEAH BOIII
- Drinking & Driving - OH, MOM WOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOU, GANGSTA!
- In-game comedy skits and television shows - YEAH, I WANNA SIT THERE AND WATCH A MOVIE IN MY GAME, DAWG!
- Low-brow humor - OH YEA I'M SO GANGSTA FOR SAYING "COME ON NIGGA!!"
- Recycled washed-up celebrities as DJs
- Music you can barely tolerate - FUCK YEA BITCH!
Oh yeah, and be a pedophile...
Typical online convo
A: Hey, how do you get the BEST ESTER EG EVAR?! B: Go to the statue of Apenis A: TAKE ME THERE THEN YOU STUPID LITTLE KNOBCHEESE! B: Get there yourself you bald ass niggra. A: BUT I CANT FLY A CHOPPER
GTA IV XBAWKS 360 DLC
In order not to look like assholes who sold you the shitty half of a revamped game originally made at least 100 years ago, Rockstar announced shortly after releasing the game, that they would be developing exclusive content exclusively for the ultra-exclusive Xbox360. This time, instead of playing with that Eastern European fuckrag, Niko, you get to plays with a white-trash, Hell's Angel spoof, with a heart of gold. It features an extra thirty seconds of gameplay, four hours of videos showing you how cool it would be to play, and none of the great things that the original game had (Why the fuck do I want to swim with a goddamn leather jacket on?).
The Ballad of Ghey Tony was released a bit later, and all the 13 year old GTA fanboys went crazy. The story follows this guy who works for a fag and carries out his daily chores and bidding, along with having to work for and later fight an alcoholic Russian and his fuck-ugly assistant. The game was universally panned by niggers since none of them understood the plot and the controls seemed foreign because of their short term memory. The game was praised by many dick sucking video game reviewers and 13 year old boys because they have sold their souls to adequate graphics, predictable plots and a story revolving around fags. Among the hardcore gaming community, the game was played for five years until the retards realized it was exactly the same as the first two, except with a gay title and 28 missions. The only true new addition is that there are CHAMPAIGNE DRINKING MINI GAMES OMG!!!11
The shittiest and/or weirdest part is that GTA IV and its two bastard DLCs involve $2 million worth of diamonds, who the fag buys from some ship's cook and then the biker guy takes them and throws them in the trash and the Eurotrash guy has to dress up like a garbageman and steal them, but then he gets them stolen from him and some Russians get involved and... shit, now I'm confused. But, on the brighter side, you get to kill a bunch of Jewish diamond dealers and their thugs.
Like everything ever on the 360 the "exclusive content" stayed exclusive, and don't let any store tell you otherwise
Gallery
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Jacob, the only worthwhile person in the game. -
You only wish it was this good.. -
If it looked this good, it'd be worth it.
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What the CIA really looks like. -
Welcome to Liberty City. -
Roman Bellic: HEY NIKO WANT TO GO PLAY SOME DARTS? -
Oh, what a hottie with a body! Player's ideal of a crim's wet dream, a public defender who enjoys dating the psychos she represents. -
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Frankie is the man! What a role model! -
Shame that it's not this fun.. -
Did we really need a fake Coney Island? -
The camera angles aren't this good, sadly. -
You too can date Paris Hilton! -
Actual screenshot from GTA4: Lost and the Damned -
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