User:Hazardous Environment/Sandbox

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Historical Background for Babbies

Where it all began

AKA: The origin of elitism

This is the shit young Übergamers had to play instead of Donkey Kong

In prehistoric times, Vidya was not one, but two:

• Video games: Those painfully bright, screeching things designed for sugarated children. Originally played on arcade machines, but soon migrating into the living room of every middle-class family thanks to the conniving rice-kikes over at Nintendo. Defined by being relatively simple, quick to pick up, requiring twitchy movements and brainwashing an entire generation into masturbating to cartoon animals.
• Computer games: Video games' fat snotty cousin that lurks in the background of every family photo. Games designed to be played by boring sexless dads in between crunching spreadsheets and filing for bankruptcy. Defined by WORDS WORDS WORDS, incomprehensible controls, absurd difficulty to install/run, poor graphics, slow pacing and general shittiness.

The question of whether a kid got to play actual video games or had to settle for obtuse point-and-click snorefests came down to whether they managed to convince their parents to buy them a Nintendos for Christmas. Otherwise, the only option left to them is to pirate Ultima for the family Amiga 500. This created endless lingering resentment in the hearts of the little twerps as they were forced to sit out and watch their cooler classmates discuss the latest Mario, Zelda or Sanic during recess. To cope, the butthurt cumstains deluded themselves into thinking that shit is actually gold, and that the godawful games they were saddled with are AKSHUALLY superior by virtue of being more "complex" and "thoughtful". Thus the PC Master Race was born.

Golden Age

AKA: The origin of GRAPHIX

Heil the Master Race!

As the years went by and you no longer had to pay $9,000 for a processor capable of running Solitaire, it became possible to play actually halfway decent games on the same machine you use to watch pr0n. Computer games (now univerasally PC games because Microsoft sucked IBM's dick and Apple is for fags) became more console-like, with reflex-based gameplay and graphics capable of more than 4 colors. The consoleless plebs jumped on the opportunity to play something actually fun for once, and quickly forgot all their petty gripes with the "childish" nature of non-PC games. To maintain the facade that their games are more mature than the alternatives, PC developers added gore, tits, explosions and other things enjoyed primarily by 13-year-old boys to their heaping piles of trash.

This is also around the same time consoles were shitting the bed after eating too much money during the 8- and 16-bit eras. The fifth generation of consoles included such gems as the cartridge-based N64, the piss-weak Playstation and the pure crystalized FAIL which was the Sega Saturn. PC gaming went from a choice of last resort to an actually competitive alternative.

However, all that progress came at a cost. Literally. The introduction of 3D graphics meant you had to buy a dedicated video card for your yellowing plastic abomination, and the rapid advancement in ass-rendering technologies meant you had to switch out that video card every six months or so. Naturally, many companies rushed to flood the market with their shitty overheating components. They made up various fake reasons why their overpriced slapdash electronics are better than the competitors', inventing worthless tech buzzwords like triple-buffered DRAM and single-pass sub-frame penetration. The question of how any of these help the typical consumer run their favorite Counter-strike nude mods remained unaddressed.

The retards who actually bought into the consumerist frenzi quickly found themselves unable to justify their purchase and once again fell back on self-delusion. They convinced themselves that they can see extremely minute pixel-sized differences between pictures and that these are what makes or breaks a game. Gameplay, music, sound or story don't matter, apparently.

Death rattle

AKA: The origin of butthurt

The sixth generation of consoles put an end to the PC fatsos' celebrations. Most consumers still wanted a simple machine for gayming, not an oversized plastic monstrosity that devours money and shits out BSOD errors. Game publishers took one look at the shrinking, obese and pirate-infested PC market and rightfully decided to take their business elsewhere. Most worthwhile games did not receive a PC release whatsoever, and the ones that did only got begrudging poorly-optimized ports made by illiterate southasian monkeys.

PC gamers responded like any responsible adult would: By throwing massive temper tantrums and endlessly bitching about it online. Absolutely convinced that the $4,000 they spent on a computer that can run Crysis gave them the right to boss game developers around, they loudly and pathetically DEMANDED that publishers do a complete 360° on their decisions and actively burn money by developing for the increasingly irrelevant PC. The cognitive dissonance between the supposed "superiority" of their platform and the fact it has no gaems absolutely broke the PCtards' minds, resulting in much lulz for outside observers. This culminated in the most pathetic display of all: Online petitions begging developers for new PC ports.

To the surprise of no one, these strategies failed to work. By 2010 the PC was a dying platform, only clung to by those too stupid or invested to move to something better. Although the massive amounts of cash the fedora-equipped virgins sank into their gear arguably made it more powerful than consoles, the simple fact is that a gaming platform without any games is a worthless dust-collector.

Steam revival

AKA: The origin of Gaben's massive gut

If the PC was shit, consoles' AIDS was even worse. The rapid spread of Judaism through the ranks of game company executives meant that console manufacturers flushed every advantage they had down the drain. Starting with the seventh generation, consoles have turned increasingly obtuse and unusable. The elimination of couch co-op, introduction of mandatory updates, DLCs, slowness, bloat and general fail meant that consoles were ironically turning more PC-like.

Meanwhile, the PC was becoming even more console-like, largely thanks to a single obese Jew from Seattle and his games-for-rent scheme Steam. Older generations of PC gamers saw Steam for the blatant money-stealing DRM scam it was. Newfags, however, were now too lazy to even leave their mom's house to buy their digital crack. These diabetic inbreds greatly appreciated the ability to purchase indie shovelware from the comfort of their air-conditioned basements, and so Steam became the fastest growing cancer on the interwebz.

The rise of Steam meant you no longer had to delete System32 every time you wanted to install a game. It also meant Valve now got to install golden chandeliers in the money-coated ballrooms of their coke palaces. PC gamers may be comparatively few in number, but they make up for it by being able to max out their (parents') credit cards, and Gaben's lazy ass receives 30% of every purchase made on Steam. Other publishers took notice of Valve's collection of golden dildos and sex-trafficked prepubescent girls and wanted in on the action. Every ostensibly notable company rushed to release their own bug-infested DRM bloatware, including:

• Epic Games Store: What if Steam, but unusable?
• EA Download Manager Origin: What if Steam, but spyware?
• Microsoft's Games For Windows Live Windows Store: What if Steam, but nogaems?
• Blizzard's Battle.net: What if Steam, but hilariously unsecure?
• Rockstar Games Launcher: What if Steam, but only GTA?
• Ubisoft's Uplay Connect: What if Steam, but always-online?
• GOG's Galaxy: What if Steam, but back to 1989?

PCtards' demonstration that they have more money than brains also meant that developers began making games for the PC again. Despite this, the Master Race never stopped bitching. A decade of being ignored by the faceless corporations they looked up to as surrogate parents produced an unmatchable victim mentality that persists to this day. Even after getting everything they've ever wanted, PC gamers remain the most entitled and pathetic cunts on the planet. Naturally, online petitions for more PC releases continue circulating the web at an alarming frequency.