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Kingdom Hearts

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Kingdom Hearts believes it is Serious Business, and produces no lulz
Every Kingdom Hearts character ever.
Typical Kingdom Hearts fangirls.
What happens when Axel and Roxas reunite.
File:7235.jpg
Some argue that Kingdom Hearts is teh greatest gaem evar.
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KH has an innovative battle system.
Axel expressing his affection for pooholes.
One of Sora's many abilities.

Squaresoft's biggest blowout hit since the gayzification, more colloquially known as their merger with Enix.

Gameplay

In Kingdom Hearts, you become winner by approaching an enemy and beat him senselessly with a key pressing X several times. Riku, the character who is pretty angsty but not as angsty as that one other character, can also perform magic attacks that do not do anything. AI partners such as Donald and Goofy assist you in battle by using up all of your potions and dying. Between stages, players are punished for their stupid decision to buy the game by being forced to play through the microwave oven version of Star Fox.

Origins

It was the year 2000. The world had barely entered the new millennium and the Y2K bug was averted. Yes, it seemed that mankind was at the very hallmark of it's existence.

Little did anyone know, an amazing event took place in California.

At an unknown cryogenics lab in Anaheim, the lid to an old cryogenic shuttle had been opened. Out of it came someone we were sure was dead.

Walt Disney.

You see, with his empire growing at a phenomenal level, Walt was content. But one day, while working on "The Sword and the Stone", Disney had a period of brief mortality. He was coming on 60 in this world and at the rate of his health he would never get to see the fruits of his labor. Sure, Disneyland was great. But what about that Disneyworld he planned to build in Florida? But why stop there? What about Tokyo Disney? EuroDisney? Hong Kong Disney? Maybe we can build one in Moscow and show those pinko commie sons of bitches a thing or two.

Drunk on this idea, Disney put to work some of his finest imagineers at Tommorowland to develop a way for Disney to live on into the next century. Finally, after about a year of non stop work and many fatalities in the process, Disney had himself a cryogenic chamber. The plan was that Disney would enter the cryogenic chamber and be put in a state of suspended animation. He would remain this way until his birthday, December 5th, in the year 2000. He entered cryogenic sleep on December 15th, 1965. Jealous stockholders who lost millions of dollars on this crazy scheme, said that Walt died of lung cancer due to his constant smoking habit. Also, just to take a jab at the person who made them lose money, they said he was antisemitic.

As Disney awoke from his slumber, he looked at the world around him. And everything he saw displeased him. Turns out that his multi-billion dollar company wasn't the only multi-billion dollar company out there. Microsoft, McDonald's, Coca-Cola, the whole lot. Plus, the motion pictures, made-for-TV movies, and Animated motion pictures that had his name on the title sucked. He made this discovery after watching The Emporer's New Groove.

What most disturbed Disney was that his beloved children from the 50's who used to have so much imagination were now fat little fucks that had no imagination whatsoever.

Feeling betrayed by the demographic who practically built his fortune, Disney looked to a new demographic: Video Gamers.

Although he was first skeptical, Disney was willing to try anything to get into the wallets of these very docile creatures. So he studied them.

After his study he made a conclusion.

Video Gamers like Anime.

Anime is commonly associated with RPG's

Many gamers grew up watching the shitstorm spawned by his period in stasis.

Why the hell couldn't he make an RPG with his characters, god damn it?

The flagship of RPGs was this fabled Final Fantasy.

It was obvious what Disney had to do:

Create a video game combining what was great (or lucrative) about his animated films and combine them with the oh-so-complex and interesting characters and storylines found in Final Fantasy titles.

"By God, I'm a genius!" he said as he picked up the phone to call Squaresoft.

xxxKingdomxHeartsxxx

Players have the chance to command a young boy(?) wearing a clown suit. Featured in the game is what is lack for a better word, J-Pop music by Utada Hikaru and characters from Final Fantasy and classic Disney movies. It is of note that this game decides to completely fucking disregard the canon of the other Final Fantasy games and simply brings Aeris back to life after Orpheus travels to the land of Hades to retrieve her. Consequentially, she is now named Aerith. The story is about the boy(?), SORAs, quest to find his girlfriend-to-be, Kairi, in many worlds, each one more tacky than the previous. Unfortunately for Sora, Kairi falls into a coma and is kidnapped by angst ridden teenager Riku, who is trying to go wowzaz_86 on the poor innocent Kairi. Along the way Sora has wet dreams which awaken Donald Duck with hot spermjuice. Everybody dies in the end.

The game was quite a hit in the gaming world for featuring, amazingly in the midst of all the gayness, a retarded gaming system which lured many gamers to this style, as well as women attracted by the absurd amount of what is referred in some female circles as cuteness. This makes it the first video game, of any type, ever, to be played by members of the weaker sex.

This spawn of hell also created a new trend: huge fucking shoes. I mean seriously, look at every character's fucking feet. How big are all their feet?! God damn!

The game TimeSplitters: Future Perfect took the basic idea and plot and did it better with characters you didn't want to strangle. If only the game wasn't a shitty Goldeneye cocksucker.

Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories

Sora finds himself trapped in castle by a mysterious organization that slipped him a date rape drug. As such he can't remember anything so you get to play through the original game again! Except this is on the GBA and you fight with CARDS! This is at least 50% gayer than the original especially with a final boss with pink showing off his willy for a final boss.

Square Enix was very happy when all the dumb broads, I mean, fans bought this game for what little plot there is.

Kingdom Hearts 2

Kingdom Hearts II is the shitty sequel to Kingdom Hearts. Unlike that first game there is ACTUAL gay content. With Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Sephiroth all in one game there's no way this wasn't targeted towards fangirls,fanboys, and 13-year-old gamers who don't know any better. They have 12 guys (half of which are already dead) running talking about these portals (see vagina) to peoples hearts .

Typical Kingdom Hearts fanboy. Notice the abundance of friends and a social life.

Only furries and morons still obsessed with Final Fantasy VII play this game, and Republicans who pre-play their children's games to make sure it won't encourage them to develop any opinions on the world around them.

A feature implemented is that in this Kingdom Hearts shamelessly ruins Pirates Of The Caribbean by adding Jack Sparrow and giving him a faggot's voice. Other movies ruined in the game include any movies that were unfortunate enough to be included in the mass murder of halfway decent Disney movies as we know them.

Characters

  1. Micky Mouse - the world's most famous pimp
  2. Donald - Furry
  3. Goofy - Retarded furry
  4. Sora - young boy on quest for genocide
  5. Riku - teh biggest douche EVER
  6. Kairi - whore
  7. Namine - DiZ and Marluxia's sex slave
  8. DiZ - racist pedo
  9. Xemnas - Mansex
  10. Xigbar - redneck
  11. Xaldin - wigger
  12. Vexen - ugly fucktard
  13. Lexaeus - Zexion's man bitch
  14. Zexion - noisy emo
  15. Saix - Mansex's lap bitch
  16. Axel - ginger pedo
  17. Demyx - uses a gaint blue penis as his weapon
  18. Luxord - gambling british bastard
  19. Larxene - Bitch who likes to molest Axel and abuse children
  20. Roxas - pedobait
  21. Xion - hermaphordite emo bitch
  22. black person - douchebag
  23. Xehanort - ganguro
  24. Terra - Emo
  25. Ventus aka Roxas - Has half a heart. *SPOILER* THEYRE THE SAME FUCKING PERSON!!!!!
  26. Aqua - Totally asking for it
  27. Vanitas - Anonymous

Fantards

All KH fantards are lesbians. If they aren't before entering the fandom, they will be soon.

Every KH fantard makes a music video of an emo/screamo song and puts it on youtube accompanied by random KH scenes. This is fact.

Once Sora manhandled Riku's ass we all knew we would be screwed.

Fangirls KAWAIIED over the "questionable friendship" the two boys had. So what happened? Well, they became Fuck Buddies, that's what freaking happened. Soon the swarms of horribly written fan fiction made several blind and may have cause some Grammar Nazis to commit suicide. Somehow, it's still better than the stories based around Axel and Roxas.

When dealing with Kingdom Hearts fantards, it's important to remember that it has one of the most fucked up fandoms evar that somehow, still exists.

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How to annoy a KH fantard:

  1. "KH is a kids game. How old are you people? 7 years old?"
  2. Tell them their wet dreams of Axel fucking Roxas will never happen. Axel became an hero to save him. He's dead; get over it. End of story.
  3. Point out the fact that the plot is as deep as a puddle of dog piss. "Their hurting will be mended when you return to end it." The fuck does that mean?
  4. Tell the 300 pound chick in the Kairi outfit at Otacon that you spent the whole morning puking, because Jesus fucking Christ no one should ever have to see that many fat rolls.
  5. Riku isn't a misunderstood hero. He's the world's biggest douche, second only to the great Gary Motherfucking Oak.
  6. Troll on fanfiction.net by flaming all the shitty ass stories. Or simply tell them that their 'story' sucks and wait for their reaction.
  7. Tell a yaoi fangirl that you just KNOW Sora and Kairi will end up together. Oh wait, that's EXACTLY what happened! Problem?
  8. PRESSING X TO JASON TAKES SO MUCH SKILL, GUYZ!
  9. Tell them there will NEVER be a Kingdom Hearts 3. Syke, Squeenix strikes once again! Through... highly rendered filler? And even moar cryptic shit that got old pretty fast? What a piece of- OMG you can now make your custom KH Avatar?! GAYUM OF THE YEAARRR! (Be sure to look out for the fanturds very creative creations).
  10. Tell the still existing fanturds that nobody cares about Kingdom Hearts anymore, so the previously mentioned title came out five years too late for anyone to give a shit about.

Fanfiction

KH Fan fiction is one of the worst things to exist in the history of the world, right behind Sonic fanfiction. Common elements include:

  1. No Plot. AT ALL.
  2. Sora dreams of Riku fucking his ass.
  3. Shitty high school AUs where every male character takes it up the ass, because het is ew.
  4. Mpreg in which Sora and Riku get to raise an assbaby of their own.
  5. Vammmpires. They might sparkle if the author is faggy enough to like that shit.
  6. A songfic highlighting the author's love of My Chemical Romance.
  7. Kairi dies a horrible, bloody death.
  8. Riku cuts himself.. darkness..blah blah blah...
  9. Sora is randomly raped several times.
  10. Kairi is a bitch and wants to fuck Sora all on her own.
  11. Have them randomly proclaim their love for each other for no reason at all
  12. ????
  13. No. No profit.

Some shitty fan fiction for the purpose of lulz. Please flame at your convenience:

  1. Everything and Anything: An AU in which Riku is a spoiled emo bitch who wants Sora but can't have him. In retaliation, Riku's father, Sephiroth (seriously, WTF??), rapes Sora so Riku can have a little bitch of his own.
  2. Adopted: Sora, Roxas, and Cloud are four-month-old cats who can turn into humans. They spend their time fucking Riku, Axel, and Squall. I SHIT YOU NOT.
  3. Whitest Light BALEETED: The most horribly written, emo fanfic you'll ever read. Author has a warning about teh gayness of her characters, but only because someone tore her a new one.
  4. Kingdom Hearts in France: How could this be anything BUT horrible?
  5. Boy Oh Boy: She advertises it as "better than it sounds". It's not.
  6. The Other Side Isn't so Green: Axel's an emo bitch that's abused by his parents and raped by his dad. He says he sometimes likes teh buttfucking.

Pairings Are teh Best!

KH fangirls will pair any characters together as long as they deem it fappable. They're ALL gay, of course:

-AkuRoku - The weeaboo word for pairing Axel with Roxas. Mostly angsty, suicidal stories that go on for 500,000 words or more. S&M is a common element, and fangirls can't get off unless there are at least eighty-seven rape scenes.

-RikuxSora - Generally portrays Sora as a pussy bitch who takes it up the ass from Riku, who might as well be Yuki from Gravitation. Sora MUST be raped by Ansem in order for the story to be considered good.

-SoraxRoxas - Masturbation FTW! Apparently fantards don't care that they're THE SAME FUCKING PERSON.

-Zemyx - Zexion and Demyx is one of the most popular pairings, despite the fact that the characters NEVER FUCKING MEET IN THE GAMES. EVER.

-VenxVan Ventus and Vanitas. See SoraxRoxas.

-Cleon - Cloud and Leon, who is actually Squall, but doesn't use that name anymore since he's angst-ing about hard his home world got pwned. The most emo bullshit you'll ever see in your life. Apparently, because they stand back-to-back in one scene in KHII, this is a legitimate pairing, even though they don't even know each other prior to that other than through mutual friends, who, though it's redundant to say at this point, shouldn't even exist in the same fucking time-space.

At least 99% of all Kingdom Hearts fan fiction includes all of these pairings in one story and does not necessarily have to be bound by pesky details like continuity.

Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days

The result of Square/Enix reading a few too many Kingdom Hearts fanfics. You play as Roxas this time around, and you have to run around doing errands for the black-coated fags in Organization XIII, some of which include investigating new worlds and killing anything and everything that moves. The designers, attempting to silence the hoards of Axel/Roxas fangirls once and for all, threw in a Mary-Sue named Xion, complete with emo haircut and Keyblade use, to fall in love with Roxas. Of course, someone at the company loves their incest/masturbation fantasies, and makes it so Xion and Roxas are parts of the same person. The mention of Xion being a Mary Sue can spark a heated debate over teh internets, turning fangirls into internet tough guys and not shutting the fuck up about it.

Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep

File:Nigger Cosplay.jpg
Blasians love Aqua, too.

If you actually played through Kingdom Hearts 2, You are a total faggot. However you were rewarded with another encrypted secret trailer from those fuckheads at Square informing you that this confusing and utterly pointless story isnt over. Much to fanboys/girls dissapointments, they decided to shit out another prequel. In this game you go to even gayer worlds and you play as Roxas AGAIN. But wait theres moar?! Its not Roxas?! The game itself has minor improvements considering you dont have to fly in that cum guzzling spaceship again. The story line's pretty much the same. Except the fact that there are 3 characters stories and they "intertwine" with each other. This consists of going to the same worlds with only certain areas blocked off depending on whose pointless story you chose to play through. One of the lead characters is a female but she sucks and her most powerful attack consists of her firing magical ping pong balls out of her "keyhole". This just provides us with more evidence that the dipshit creators are running out of fucking ideas with recycled characters and even more faggotry than any other game in the series.

Enemies

  • The Heartless who have no bodies.
  • The Nobodies who have no hearts.
  • The Unversed who feed off of "Negative Emotions" or some bullshit like that.
  • The Goatse-less who like it in the butt.
  • Solid Snake's Ass.
  • Your patience
  • Your sanity
  • Your IQ
  • Your common sense.
  • Your heterosexuality.
  • black people
  • Xemnas (anagram for his actual name: Mansex)
  • Utada Hikaru's horrible English lyrics.
  • The bad lulz, old memes etc.
  • Org Infinity, who fight with My Little Ponies.
  • Your mom (along with your mom's mom)
  • smart people
  • Decent games as we know them
  • Anybody opposed to abortion
  • Anybody opposed to homosexuality
  • Captain Falcon's giant cock.
  • Sarah Palin.

Images

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

See also

Kingdom Hearts is part of a series on

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