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Battlefield 3
Battlefield 3 (AKA "Bad Company: 3", "Be Advised: 3", "Battletoads: 3", "Call of Duty: Modern Battlefield: Bad Company 3: Black Ops edition", "Buttfuckers 3", "Lag: The Game", You'll be Lucky to Actually Join a Game Without being Disconnected: 3", or "Niggers in the Field: 3") is a First Person Shooter game that encourages its players to forage through bushes and spawn rape the other team. The game, which has slowly turned itself into a cheap knockoff of Call of Duty; boasts controllable tanks, jets and other annoying vehicles, WHICH HAVE NEVER BEEN SEEN IN ANY GAME!1!. Battlefield, which used to be a moddable PC-only series that was halfway decent, has been morphed into another half-assed piece of shit designed merely to cater to hardcore 10-year olds on the Exxbawks, and to outsell Call of Duty. Of course, since 90% of the BF community is now made up of 13-year old HARDCORE GAMERS, Battlefield, in a short span of a year, has generated the largest collection of cum-guzzling fans who constantly spam JewToob vidyas of CoD with their nonsensical fanboy drivel of how REALISTIC AND TACTICAL THIS GAME IS!1! In fact; for the past year or so, Battlefield PLAYERS have talked more about Call of Duty than Battlefield itself, which just goes to show how Battlefield fanboys have become the Jehova Witnesses of FPS gaming.
System Requirements
IF YOU'RE HAVING PC PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON. I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT A PC AIN'T ONE
Minimum requirements:
- Some SLI shit, like GTX570, GTX580 or even GTX590 if you are an enthuasist.
- Don't bother playing Battlefield 3 with a Radeon card. It's fail.
- Have atleast 6GB of RAM or you'll be crashing every 5 minutes.
- If you have a Dual-core it is suggested that you should dump your computer immediately.
- Overclocking won't do shit aside from causing a campfire near your desk.
No seriously even DICE themselves can't run their own game completely maxed out.
Beta
The Battlefield 3 beta, which was released only a few weeks before the game was due to be put on disc, had so many bugs and glitches that DICE actually considered extending the beta for another ten years. If you were lucky enough not to fall through the uninspired map on Metro, you might have been given the opportunity to get instakilled by some 10 year old hiding behind a tree.
The purpose of the Battlefield 3 beta was to test the multiplayer servers. Clearly, the beta turned out to be worthless as EA multiplayer servers crashed repeatedly for the first few days after the game was released. If DICE had spent more time fixing the game's issues and less time counting the gold that they were about to receive from millions of overweight virgins, the game might have been playable upon release.
Multiplayer
Be advised. Be advised. Be advised. Be advised. Be advised. Be advised. Be advised. I will be hiding in that bush over there.
As in Bad Company 2, you will get raped by reconfags, assaultfags and engineerfags (only seen with rocket launchers). Playing support is slightly less more homosexual.
Get ready to see mangled turtlemen hiding in the bushes. In your spare time not getting shot the fuck up or camping in a bush because you're a faggot, you'll be camping your balls off on a roflcopter pad. Get ready to do absolutely fucking nothing for hours on end while DICE and EA party on there new golden yachts snorting pounds of coke while telling you they are busy fixing the servers for you dedicated fans idiots who made them rich by buying their incomplete, glitched game. Half of which is a buggy, uninspired, thrown together cobble of shit while the other can't be played because they decided to not learn from the beta on how to run their servers properly.
Maps
- Operation Métro is a very lulzy map when played with 64 players on conquest mode. The developers must've been totally high to put such an tremendous amount of players on this mind-fuckingly tiny joke of a map. Imagine a giant Nigra kawk desperately trying to fit in the tiny butthole of your little sister. It simply won't fit, no matter how hard the nigra tries to push it in. Now imagine the russian team to be the nigra kawk and the americunts to impersonate the butthole (or vice versa, it doesn't really matter) - Now you've got a realistic depiction of this map. Hence it's the best map for engineers and assaults to nade-spam the hell out of their enemies with everything they've got while being infinitely supplied with ammo by their supporter hoes. Rage and lulz are sure to be had. Bottom line is, this map will remain the biggest orgy ever in multiplayer video game history.
- Damavand Peak - Drop upon unsuspecting Russians from a 500m high cliff with rocket launchers.
- Caspian Border - Jet camping. Also, walking. Way too much walking.
- Operation Firestorm - Russians trying to prevent americunts from stealing precious sand nigger oil. Also its fucking HUGE, it is said that you can fit 3 of the largest map from Battlefield Bad Company 2 inside of it and still have room for more hot oversized map-on-map action.
- Grand Bazaar much like Operation metro is fucking tiny, but still 100 times bigger than the biggest Modern Warfare 3 map. Engineers will love this map, because most walls on explosion break down into HUEG FUCKING BRIX!!1!1 and rape everyone below. There is no possible way to avoid engineer rocket fire or support mortar spam in this map. If you try to run down the alley you will get /\/05c0p3D!11! by an CoD player, because you are too stupid to reload after a massive firefight.
- Tehran Highway - US always trapped in garages, Russian tanks spamming non-stop flak and having 10 engineers behind them as always. US tanks are useless at this point, in fact any resistance is making Russians harder to defeat. PROTIP: Give up all the flag points, wait for the end of the game and hope that the next map wont suck dick.
- Kharg Island - Useless pilots everywhere.
- Seine Crossing - GOOD LUCK DRIVING ON THIS MAP LOL.
- Noshahr Canals - DOUBLE PROTIP: As a defender -
- 1.Get to tunguska first
- 2.Make sure you have AA rockets unlocked
- 3.Stay near the big warehouse at docks
- 4.???
- 5.Profit
Also, some retard at DICE thought that Infinity Ward's idea of recycling old maps for jew golds was genius. So, with all the money they saved from not hiring a sub-par writer staff for campaign, they remade fan-favorite Battlefield 2 maps and called it Back to Karkand. For the nominal price of whatever is left after buying fucking everything for the game (EA's anti-used game incentive, Physical Warfare pack, the game itself, etc.), you can get five maps that look nothing like their original incarnation, some shitty guns and even shittier vehicles.
As an attacker -
- 1.Get to the Little Bird. Crash into the Tunguska and play cat and mouse with the driver(optional)
- 2.Crash into the MCOM station
- 3.Plant the charge
- 4.Return to heli and start the carnage on anyone dumb enough to try defusing it. If the bird is gone, camp in the big warehouse
- 5.Repeat
- 6.???
- 7.Profit
Classes
Assault
Also known as the Medic class because they are automatically equipped with a defibrillator because the best treatment for some one who has just suffered gunshot, stab or shrapnel wounds is to zap their heart with a fuck ton of volts.
Weapons and Equipment
The assault kit allows you to choose between being able to give out med kits, to team mates by getting them so high they forget about they're injuries but only when they feel like it, which will never be when you're spamming the request button because you're on 2% health as these faggots will do nothing but wait so they can revive you when you die a second later and may also block door passages so that you die. Thankfully, you won't see many of them anywhere, besides team death match.
Assaults have access to assault rifles which are probably the best all rounder guns in the game. That would be the case of course if people bothered with the fire selector instead of just spamming rounds on full auto 100% of the time, even when firing at targets far way, like the stupid pre-pubescent boys that they are.
Assaults can ,instead of a med kit, have a noob tube from which a variety of grenades can be fired with most choosing high explosive rounds because they are faggot nubs who just want to piss people in the game off and/or get cheap kills. Smoke and buckshot types are also available. The assault can also instead choose to have an M26 MASS shotgun (which effectively renders the grenade launcher loaded with buckshot obsolete) for extreme close range pwnage like when you need to shut down that group of three or four camping support and recon fags in a building.
Trolling techniques
- Use the defibrillator as a weapon for lulzy humiliating melee kills.
- Piss of unproductive camping recons on your team by equiping a noobtube with smoke grenades and spamming smokes into the ground directly in front of the reconfag so that they can’t see anything through their sniper scope. This can be used instead of or in addition to the standard trolling technique of equipping a laser or tactical light and shining it in the campers face.
- Equip the USAS-12 or Mk3A1 shotgun with extended mags and frag 12 rounds, while also having a noob tube with high explosive grenades to get cheap kills and piss off the pros.
- Assaultfags do provide inadvertent trolling, for example, when you kill an enemy player near to an enemy assaultfag and then said assaultfag kills you, you will then be treated to the footage from the kill cam of all your hard work being undone when the enemy assault inevitably revives their team mate that you managed to pwnt.
Engineer
Probably the single most useful (and noobest) class as it’s the only one which can effectively take on both infantry and vehicles due to the fact that with many maps which have vehicles on its impossible to stop the enemy team from winning as a common tactic in conquest and rush is to simply sit on an objective with an armoured vehicle and blast the shit out of anyone coming anywhere near.
Weapons and Equipment
Engineerfags automatically have a rocket launcher of some description. Either unguided rockets like the RPG-7V2 or the SMAW, surface-to-air rockets like the FIM-92 Stinger or SA-18 Igla (which can’t hit shit because every aircraft whoring faggot has flares equipped) or a FGM-148 Javelin guided rocket for those who need help aiming at a massive fucking tank, some say it is possible to shoot at aircraft with the Javelin as long as a recon has marked it with a SOFLAM, however this has never ever happened as hell will freeze over before a recon does anything to help anyone else on their team.
An Engineer must also choose between a repair tool, allowing to continue vehicle whoring like the cheap faggot you are, anti-tank mines, which are good for spamming all over objectives and choke points leading to epic lulz as enemy vehicle whores, all nice and safe in their armoured shell, suddenly and without any warning are instantly killed in a fiery explosion of win, or an EOD bot which is shit and serves no purpose.
Engineers have access to carbines, which are basically just smaller, faggier versions of assault rifles, big fucking whoop. On a good note its refreshing to see that some one finally called the AKS-74U by its proper name and didn’t call it a sub-machine gun for once.
Trolling techniques
- Use rocket launchers to blast through shit and bring down walls upon the other team members' heads.
- Constantly use rocket launchers against everything, especially infantry. The more inappropriate the target the better.
- Run up to enemy vehicles or unoccupied vehicles in enemy territory and spam AT mines directly in front and behind it so that it cannot move without getting destroyed.
- It is possible to boost with the repair tool in a number of ways, such as letting your team mate flip over a tank and while he is inside, repair it, but you should disregard that as boosters are worthless nerds who should an hero.
- The repair tool can not only be used to undo the work of enemies on kill cam (much in the same manor as the defibrillator as explained above) but it can also be used as a lulzy melee weapon with the added pleasure of killing it with fire.
- Go up to an enemy tank and use the repair tool on it. When the fuckwit inside gets out to investigate, HIJACK HIS SHIT. Note:Even if he kills you you still win, as they are now down a tank.
Support
Retarded aspie commandos who run around with huge fucking machine guns like they are Rambo. Support players tend to bunch up in large groups, essentially priming themselves for mass rape and serve as the other class’s bitches particularly rocket-whoring engineers. The support class is arguably one of the best trolling classes.
Weapons and Equipment
Support players are automatically equipped with the ability to throw down an ammo box to resupply the skilled veterans who have run dry from all the pwnage they have been inflicting faggot 13 year old assaultfags who can’t aim, rocket whoring engineerfags and fail-sniping, ass-camping, reconfags.
For their equipment supports must choose between C4, claymore mines or a mortar, all of which are great weapons in of themselves but also serve as good trolling devices.
C4 is a gift from DICE to BF3 trolls and to those willing to do the work of Allah, use it and abuse it.
Supports have access to light machine guns and general purpose machine guns which have a massive magazine capacity and as such allow you to spam shit tonnes of rounds in all directions earning you suppression assists galore.
Trolling techniques
- Find a jeep, set C4 charges all over that shit then drive it at an enemy vehicle or infantry orgy, jumping out at the last second to set off your epic jihad device of doom.
- Set C4 on unoccupied enemy spawned aircraft or aircraft left in enemy territory, wait for as many faggot enemy aircraft whores as possible to get into it and take off then light that bitch up for epic lulz. Can also be just as easily be used with ground vehicles.
- Set C4 to the propellor of ANY helicopter and watch as the next person to pilot it will plummit into the fucking ground.
- In rush, set C4 all over the objective, as soon as you see an enemy faggot go to it or hear the alarm go off, set the C4 off, when used right this can get a shit tonne of kills as the attacking retards don’t realise that only one player is needed to arm the objective and that their circle jerking around the objective will lead to their demise.
- Get within the effective range of an enemy main battle tanks main gun and put C4 on it as if it’s nothing. You would think this was suicide but many times the tanks 13 year old drivers will see you running towards them, panic and freeze as well as not realising that they could have just mowed you down with a secondary machine gun or driven away. If you’re in the mood for jihad, don’t bother running away and just set it off, if the tank has two people in it you’re still one kill up.
- See that bunch of enemy recons on top of that tall building? No problem, equip the mortar with high explosive shells and start spamming them all over the roof. There is nowhere to run or hide up there and you have unlimited shells so they’re screwed until they die, move or rage quit.
- Equip claymores and spam them everywhere, getting lots of cheap kills and enemy tears and rage.
- Equip the USAS-12 or Mk3A1 shotgun with extended mags and frag 12 rounds as your primary weapon and spam frag 12 rounds everywhere like its nobodies business, always making sure to put down an ammo box so you never have to end your lulz generating frag 12 shitfest. Works particulary well on small clusterfuck maps like operation metro.
Recon
Recons have been nerfed to shit in BF3 due to all the fanboy tears to DICE. However they still get a look in from all the faggot teenagers who think they are the shit and that they are epic l33t marksman!1!1!!1!! Still it is fun to watch an enemy’s head pop from half a mile away.
Weapons and Equipment
Recons have the ability to deploy a radio beacon that fellow squad members can spawn in on which saves a lot of time what with having to run across the whole map because some twat got to the jeep first and couldn’t wait two seconds to let you get in too despite you’re burst of automatic fire indicating your intention. One problem however is that they give off a tell tale beep, if you hear that beep its likely there are camperfags nearby who should be introduced to your combat knife.
Recons get to choose between having a motion sensor which is somewhat useful in guarding objectives or camping. A SOFLAM, which is a laser designator that is useless because no random people ever co operates that well on battlefield.
Then there is the MAV, which is all kinds of stupid. This tiny, flimsy little remote control helicopter is never used for its intended purpose, which is to better spot enemies and so help the team, but it hardly needs to be said of how useless and anti-social recons are. Instead it has two roles in the eyes of the reconfag, one is to be a deployable elevator, that’s right you will constantly see faggots jumping on top of these things so they can fly themselves up to the roofs of tall buildings so they can snipe and generally camp their asses off without disturbance for the whole fucking match. The second role for the MAV to the reconfag is to be a weapon, yep a single bonk on the head from one of these annoying buzzing little shits and you’re down for the count as a road kill. Oh and their small size, agility and reasonable toughness make them a bitch to destroy.
Recons get access to designated marksman rifes and sniper rifles but this is irrelevant for two reasons, one is that they have all been nerfed to shit so that anything other than a headshot will only cause partial damage, the second reason is because the MAV is the primary weapon of recons.
Trolling techniques
- Harass and kill people with the MAV.
- Use the MAV as a deployable, personnel elevator.
- Camp.
- Generally be a recon.
General Trolling Techniques
There is very little difference in the trolling methods between Battlefailed: Bad Connection 2, and Battlefailed 3, but if you forgot or just didn't play the former pile of shit, let us refresh your memory:
- Ignore the fucking objectives.
- Destroy buildings while your teammates are inside of them.
- Pilot/drive a vehicle and when it fills up, drive/fly off the map far enough so people can't run back before their 10 seconds off the map are up. Bonus points if you manage to time it so that they die just before they get back into the area.
- Pilot an aircraft, wait for it to fill up, take off, crash.
- Equip a tactical light or laser sight on one of your weapons then shine it in a teammate's face. Bonus points if you do it to worthless camping recons.
- After killing an enemy, treat the enemy player to the footage of you teabagging their corpse on the kill cam.
- Constantly use rocket launchers or noob tubes loaded with high explosive grenades against everything. The more inappropriate the target the better.
- Pilot/drive a vehicle (particulary transport vehicles) and don't bother taking off or moving at all.
- Take an unarmored jeep, boost when you find a group of camperfags waiting for their jet, and bail out right before hitting them.
- Obtain a jet, fly into friendly vehicles/personnel with the afterburner on. Eject right before the impact.
- On maps where jets are stacked in a row, get in the front jet and lul as the person in the jet behind can't move, and if they try to move they will teamkill you.
- Purposefully try and get yourself teamkilled, as some servers allow punishments (e.g type !punish and you teamkiller is slayed). Also if someone teamkills you enough they get autobooted from the server for extra lulz.
- Get IR Flares for any jet or helicopter and watch as enemy engineers waste time and resources trying to shoot you down while you deploy flares to avoid missile lock from their surface-to-air rockets.
- Equip the USAS-12 or Mk3A1 shotgun with extended mags and frag 12 rounds while using any class. Especially on a clusterfuck map like the Grand Bazaar or Operation Metro. Lulz will ensue.
Campaign
You'd be forgiven to think a 6 one year development time would be long enough to make a halfway decent storyline but instead they decided to create yet another Call of Duty 4 clone involving the "terrorist stealing WMD's" overused storyline. But wait! The main character is being interrogated throughout the entire game and is reliving the memories through gameplay! They also added Russians into the mix. Talk about creativity! I think they really have a shot at bringing down Modern Warfare 3 with this tribute- I mean...um... "competitor" to the Call of Duty series. At least Bad Company had the sort-of funny squad.
Or, if you're retarded, you can use this handy list to understand the ingrediants to BF3's campaign. 1. Black Ops (Flashbacks, interrogators, imminent threat) 2. Modern Warfare 1,2,3 (Sandnigger/Russian enemies, war through deception) 3. Boring dialogue consisting of Tourette's and undecipherable military jargon. 4. ???? 5. Profit!
All this dosn't matter because nobody gives a shit about the campaign mode in Battlefield games. This one's a buggy mess so don't even bother with it.
Battlelog
DICE decided to troll Activision further more by announcing a free community service called Battlelog. It's pretty much a free version of Call of Duty: Elite. And it's better. Though it's still a piece of shit, it's main purpose is to let you show off your pro mlg bf skillz on the internets among your friends. You can also show off to the members of your Platoon, which itself can take up to 100 members. Noone has found an use for the platoons yet. Way to go, DICE.
Fanboys
Whether it's bitching about Call of Duty or calling you a nub. The battlefield Community is a caring, welcoming community and welcomes people from all around(XTRA POINTS IF YUR FROM COD!!!11!!!!ONE!!). All Battlefield fans know EVERYTHING about the military. They are virgins that live in their mom's basement and have to wait till' Christmas to get their games.
Trolling a Battlefield fan
1. Tell them that MW3 is a more realistic game.
2. Bitch about the inability to quickscope on Battlefield 3.
3. Complain how oversized the maps are.
4. Never talk about Multiplayer, only the campaign mode.
5. Mention Call of Duty's sales
6. ????
7. PROFIT!
Frostbite 2
If you've trolled, argued, fucked, or sucked a Battlefield fan you've heard EVERYTHING about this engine.
Notable Players, Groups, Clans, etc.
- RunawayCactus Clantag POT
He lurks around on the Ecksbawks 360 hunting down enemy players to collect their dogtags. His sole purpose in life is to stab everyone evar to make himself feel superior to avoid thinking about how much of his life has wasted away not realizing that it's just a game, and that nobody really cares but him. Suggested trolling method is to counter stab him and t-bag him right in the eye. He loves it, really. Usually seen in the company of his favorite cocksucks Zeon Comrade a blonde 5th columnist who thinks wearing a bandanna makes him gangster, and a slave, WHITEGLIN. Unable to troll as he has nothing of value, anyway. He claims he has a sportscar with a 1700 Horsepower engine that he got for FREE! All three use an unfunny clan tag POT to signify Prisoners Of Technology, attempting to sound clever when in fact, it is a terrible joke and should be wiped off of existence.
Controversy
Apparently Battlefield 3 was banned by the sand niggers in Iran because they got all butthurt about the fact that Americans decided to pull a virtual jihad on their own country. The Iranian gamers first protested about the game,and finally their jihad government actually gave a shit about it and banned Battletoads:3. The funniest part was that Battlefield 3 was never even released in Iran and the only copies there where pirated ones. PETA decided to flame EA for killing a rat in the mission "Aftershock."
See Also
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Battlefield 3 is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article November 20 & November 21, 2011 | ||
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