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Doug Walker
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Did You Know: This article was left partially vandalized for several years and nobody noticed.
That's how little people care about Doug nowadays. |
Doug Walker (a.k.a The Nostalgia Critic, That Guy With The Glasses or simply That Guy) is a terrible actor who performs a multitude of extremely unfunny routines ripping on terrible actors, exclusively for Thatguywiththeglasses.com. He is one of the site's co-founders and the first person to contribute to the site. He is in many ways similar to his friend and co-contributor TheSpoonyOne, because both fail in every possible way. Doug is directly responsible for the creation of numerous forced memes, perhaps more than any other single human being in history. He relies on these in all his work, particularly his Nostalgia Critic reviews, as he posesses no actual talent, and more often than not, knows nothing about the material he's reviewing. His other methods of generating lulz include screaming, whining, having lots of cameos, and completely ignoring the source material to make jokes that take 5-minutes to deliver.
He is also said to produce the most annoying sound known to man.
Origins and Fallout with YouTube
Before co-founding TGWTG.com, Doug made a self-explanatory series of videos on Youtube called "5 Second Movies", allegedly based off of some in-joke he and his friends had about some movie. Hilarious. Eventually one of these videos was taken down due to a copyright claim, which Doug dealt with by deleting his Youtube videos and teaming up with Circuit City employee-turned entrepreneur Mike Michaud and a couple of other nobodies to make his own website.
The Nostalgia Critic
The Nostalgia Critic became Doug's main routine after his fallout with Youtube. Originally, he reviewed films and television shows from or around his childhood (even if he never watched it himself, but nowadays he'll just review whatever he thinks people will like watching. His "reviews" would be more accurately described as synopses interlaced with occasional criticism and jokes that he spends way too much time on. The videos also last an average of 30 minutes, which is more than twice as long as they need to be. Because he is by far the most popular contributor on the site, Doug is tasked with promoting his co-contributors when they're not doing well; this is done by having them make an unwanted cameo appearance in his newest video where they waste even more of everyone's time. Also, enjoy the ads that he puts in the middle of his videos for extra Blip monies. That aforementioned "occasional criticism", by the way, is rendered completely useless by wildly inconsistent standards and minimal background research. It doesn't help that a lot of his criticism is thinly disguised humor with no regard for anything he's said prior. His obvious prioritization of comedy doesn't even make the videos more funny, since his best jokes are the ones he spends the least amount of time on, and you'd probably be able to get those same jokes in a 10-minute review by any of the 750 other "funny" critics out there.
Other Routines
Doug has also performed a number of other routines. Most of them were thankfully one-offs but a few stuck around.
- Ask That Guy - Doug wears a bathrobe and answers dumb questions from fans in the most offensive way he can think of. Despite being the name of both his website and pseudonym, This character is named That Guy With the Glasses, but is not related to the website or the name Doug occasionally uses for himself, meaning Doug is not very original with names.
- Bum Reviews - Doug wears a Stan Marsh hat and pretends to be a homeless drug addict named Chester A. Bum, then bounces around giving a barely comprehensible synopsis of some movie he recently saw with a very brief statement at the time about whether he actually liked the movie or not. Still not actually reviewing.
- Video Game Confessions - Doug dresses up as a bartender named Dominic and tells stories about various video game characters coming to his imaginary bar and doing embarrassing things while Doug draws rather bland pictures of them. Canon is usually disregarded completely.
Doug's Inner Circle
Most of the people under the TGWTG banner have content of their own (although nobody watches them). These guys, however, have somehow achieved notoriety on the site just by helping Doug make his videos.
Rob Walker
a.k.a. The Other Guy With the Glasses. Doug's older Brother. Helps Doug write the scrips for his videos and occasionally appears as a throwaway character for one of Doug's unnecessarily long jokes. Is more involved with the community than Doug, and appears to be equally as talented in other departments, raising the question of why he doesn't make his own damn videos.
Bhargav Dronamraju
a.k.a. M. Night Shyamalan. Doug's special effects guy. It should be noted that many of Doug's less popular co-contributors had significantly better special effects before Doug started collecting money for his glorious return, so the Walker brothers aren't alone in being lazy. Bhargav is arguably better known for playing the Ma-Ti character in videos made by Doug and for whatever reason several other reviewers, where he repeats that old joke about heart being a dumb power that you've heard a million times.
Running Gags
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| ALERT: THESE ARE FORCED MEMES |
| Doug Walker's Running Gags will be posted by the same unfunny newfag until you like it. |
Doug reuses his jokes. A lot. Whether this is the product of unoriginality or Doug wrongfully assuming that he is a walking meme factory isn't entirely clear, but using these jokes are a surefire way to entertain Doug's fans... and nobody else:
- "Of Course!" - One of Doug's oldest and most well known running gags. Doug shows a clip of M. Bison from the Street Fighter movie saying "Of course!" whenever he reviews a movie where the villain seeks world domination. Very frequently used by other TGWTG.com contributors as well as youtubers who wish they could post videos there.
- Big Lipped Alligator Moment - A term Doug coined to describe out-of-place scenes that have nothing to do with the rest of the movie. The name comes from a scene in All Dogs go to Heaven but strangely was first used in a review of Ferngully. People on TvTropes LOVE to use this term, by the way.
- Doug's Gun - A prop that Doug used in his review of Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue! that inexplicably became part of the Nostalgia Critic's image. Even Doug himself isn't really sure how this happened. It's appearances are usually accompanied by lots of screaming and bad special effects.
- Santa Christ - Christian meme combining. Rob Walker wears a Santa hat and beard and puts a blanket on his shoulders and does... Santa things. Doug made him up for one of his Christmas episodes and continued using him afterward, but the character never contributed to anything, making him completely pointless.
- "I Was Frozen Today!" - A quote from Christopher Lloyd in some Hulk Hogan movie that Doug took a liking to. Has no other point, Doug just thought it was funny.
- Chuck Norris Revival - Doug reviewed a movie that starred Chuck Norris and used Chuck Norris jokes as source material, either unaware or uncaring of the years of work that people put into killing this awful meme. Thankfully the revival did not spread outside TGWTG.com and TvTropes.
- Frying The Coke - Another term coined by Doug, used when someone makes something that's allegedly so dumb it's awesome. While more forced than the Big Lipped Alligator moment, it's much less popular.
- Bat Credit Card - A trigger word for the Nostalgia Critic, inspired by a scene from Batman and Robin where Batman uses a special credit card with a Batman logo on it to purchase something. Even Doug himself hates this joke, but his fans won't let him forget.
- Burger King Elephant - An idea that he came up with in the Nickcoms episode he reviewed "You Can't Do That On Televison" where in the show whenever someone said "I Don't Know" they'd get slimed. Then he complained about it not making sense and then stated a running gag of whenever he says "Elephant" The Burger King shows up.
- "You Know For Kids" - This gag comes from whenever Doug watches something intended for children and something scary, violent, or sexual he says this phrase.
There are many other jokes that get reused constantly, but most of them aren't even recognizable to anyone who doesn't have a shrine of Doug Walker hidden somewhere.
Feud with the Angry Video Game Nerd
Less than a month after uploading his first Nostalgia Critic video, Doug made claims that he was being harassed by the Angry Video Game Nerd's fanbase, already infamous for antagonizing young upstarts such as Chris Bores, Armake21, and like 1/3 of the people in this article. He responded by demanding that The Nerd himself tell his fans to stand down, warning that there would be trouble if the harassment continued.
...There's just one thing. By 2008, the time Doug's first AVGN rant came out, most of the AVGN's fanbase tolerated AVGN clones like Doug and most of them probably didn't even know who Doug was. In all likelihood, Doug and/or Mike Michaud saw the opportunity to gain publicity by staging a feud with the AVGN and just made up an excuse to get James Rolfe's attention.
Amusingly, James initially responded by doing exactly what the Nostalgia Critic demanded, and Doug had to make a second video of himself making even more things up or else the plan would've fallen flat on its face. Luckily for the TGWTG crew, James caught on afterward and was willing to partake in their little viral stunt. This led to several crossover videos of things such as Doug and James fighting to the death, Doug, James and a bunch of other nobodies fighting to the death, and Doug and James reviewing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video. The stunt worked and Doug won the hearts of the very people he claimed were harassing him less than a year earlier.
Doug Quits His Job
In 2009, after Doug started making $53,000 off of his shows on ThatGuyWithTheGlasses, on top of making the site $11,000 in donations, he decided that being a household name and Grade-A celebrity meant that he could make possibly the stupidest decision in his life: quit his day job as an illustrator. Because having a steady source of income in an uncertain economy is overrated, right? He may realize what a stupid decision he made when his site inevitably fails and goes under, since it has become a bloated and unwatchable mess, teeming with talentless hacks and pathetic manchildren.
Common sense dictates that one approach a career change in some manner commensurate with the job security of the target career, and no one would rate Internet Celebrity as a particularly secure job. No, in fact, most people would tend to view it as easily the riskiest fucking job prospect imaginable; consequently, most people would take careful measures to ensure their old job remains a viable fallback. Well, most people don't share Doug's sense of USI, which motivates him to treat the whole affair as though he had just sold Facebook, strutting about his soon-to-be-former workplace with camera-weilding Rob in tow, as Doug imagines himself putting it to the man, but actually manages only to annoy and insult his former coworkers.
Of course, it's not like he can ever get a real job again, since he burnt as many bridges as he could while quitting. No sane employer will hire somebody with a video like this haunting them. Let's hope that his current job as being an unfunny hack lasts!
January: Shitty Gimmick Month
The New Year is very good at bringing out the very worst of the Nostalgia Critic, for every January Doug devotes an entire month to something specific and completely fucks the whole thing up less than halfway through. In 2009 he declared January to be "Nickelodeon Month". What you may not realize is that although the Nostalgia Critic's cutoff date is 2000, he stopped watching cartoons somewhere in the early-mid 90s, which means he's devoted an entire month to talking about a tiny fraction of Nickelodeon's 20+ year history. He did have the courtesy to do some research on a few of Nick's mid 90s shows like Hey Arnold and Kenan & Kel, and by research we mean he watched a single episode on youtube and just made assumptions about what the other episodes were like. For the self proclaimed voice of manchildren everywhere, Doug certainly doesn't pay much attention to what happens to the things he grows up with, does he?
One year later, he declared January to be Schwarzenegger month. If you're not aware, Doug has a strange obsession with trashing every movie The Governator has ever appeared in and saying he's the worst actor in history, so he basically devoted an entire month to something he already talks about all the fucking time. In his attempts to find the perfect example of how Arnold is an untalented hack, he instead ended up showing how bad Doug himself is at being witty when he doesn't have the opportunity to use his running gags and drawn out jokes by reviewing Junior, a movie so uneventful that Doug had to devote a large portion of the review to pretending to vomit for 5 minutes and later doing a completely unrelated dream sequence in which he sings about how boring the movie is. It is easily the worst Nostalgia Critic review Doug's ever made, being one of the few to actually receive a negative reaction from fans. He then compared the people who disliked the review to Hitler in a Downfall parody. He also reviewed Conan the Barbarian that month, probably the most recognizable movie he's reviewed in 2010. One wonders when he'll finally be pushed to the point where he reviews Terminator out of desperation and triggers the mother of all backlashes.
January of 2011 was dedicated to sequels starting with The Neverending Story III. Since he has long since stopped giving a fuck, the reviews are, of course, terrible. Keep it up, Doug!
Doug Walker's Voice
If there's one thing about Doug that makes him stand out from other internet reviewers, it's his voice. Doug's voice can best be described as being similar to what the Angry German Kid would sound like if he were passing a kidney stone while being castrated. The eardrum-shattering noise that comes out of Doug's mouth is so horrifyingly unpleasant that some believe he has the most unbearable voice on the internet. Doug, on the other hand, can't seem to get enough of hearing himself. About one and a half minutes into every Nostalgia Critic review he starts talking in ALL CAPS and stays that way for the remainder of the video. He's also been compared to Seth MacFarlane for his tendency to break out into song at inappropriate times.
—Doug Walker, making us all deaf for his own amusement. | ||
All the shouting Doug does isn't just unpleasant to hear, it's hurting him too. Doug's screaming has caused him to throw out his voice three times in less than two years since he started reviewing shitty movies. He's had to do several reviews completely mute, with the help of things like captions, signs, and Microsoft Sam (because it's not like he can just wait to get better, right?) Like Spoony or Sean Fausz and their expanding waistlines, Doug hasn't taken his declining health as a possible reason to change his lifestyle, he always comes back shouting as if his throat had never been better. Massive lulz are expected on the day that Doug does permanent damage to his throat and finally realizes that screaming at the top of his lungs for more than 30 minutes straight every week may not have been the best idea.
Doug Walker vs. Encylopedia Dramatica
In the Nostalgia Critic's review of A Troll In Central Park he makes a comment in an attempt to retaliate against the claims of unfunniness made against him by ED. His faggot fanboys agreed with him in the comment section calling all ED users "big mean doodie poo poo heads." A dramatican late to the party linked to this article and said "NO U." Apparently admins are butthurt too because they baleeted it, but that zany character is going to keep reposting it until B& or they stop deleting it. Will lulz ensue?
But it's not just Douglas whose upset with us at ED, Their viewers are also distraught at our descriptions of their graven idols.
—Rebochan, Live from Mirror-World, first left from Irony-Ville. | ||
"The Room" Review
Sometime on a Tuesday in July, the Lultastic Avenger strikes again. A while ago, maybe on a Sunday, the Nostalgia Critic's award-winning masterpiece review of The Room was taken down from the site due to threats of a lawsuit from John from TheRoomMovie.com due to copyright infringement. In retaliation, the Doug's latest masterpiece has him pretending to be Tommy Wiseau, some French faggot who directed The Room. He totally supports his innocence by trying to be lulzy ala blasting Wiseau and John, and ultimately proves to be as funny as Carlos Mencia. Upon hearing their mighty hero's ego wounded and eager to suck cock, the fanboys were called to battle, brandishing the Internets to battle the evildoers who wronged Their Lord by writing angry letters Apparently, the email link was taken down on the site because of the mass flood of butthurt from The Nostalgia Critic's fanboys. But alas, nobody gave a flying fuck. The butthurt fantards also tried to write about this event on Wikipedia, but their stories have been removed by the admins. CRY SUMMOAR. What should be noted is that TGWTG's founder, Mike Michaud, never said anything to Doug about how butthurt he is coming off as, nor did he tell his chosen manchild that he could potentially kill Channel Awesome.
Doug Fails Miserably at Let's Play
On Tuesday, September 6th, Doug Walker posted a video titled "Let's Play Bart's Nightmare". It went like this.
If you feel your senses struggling to self-terminate, that's good. It means you're a human being with a shred of taste. The video received the lowest possible rating on thatguywiththeglasses.com, which is to say a 3.5 out of 5. It wasn't long before Retsupurae got their hands on it and bravely decided to watch the entire video and record their reactions.
As expected, their honest commentary on exactly what makes Doug terrible and unfunny was met by anger and outrage by Nostalgia Critic's drooling mongoloid fanbase.
The backlash eventually became so great that Doug "apologized" by making a review of some shitty movie based on some shitty book or something. This could have been acceptable as an "apology" by TGWTG fans if Doug had not again labelled his critics as whiny retards. Whether Doug had refused to admit his fuckups as a result of a slip of well-hidden cutzpah or just blatant stupidity is unsure, but the former is highly unlikely.
Ladies and gents, we give you; the brill comments concerning the worst 'Let's Play' ever made:
—Are you daring to question the Critic's genius with sarcasm? STONE HIM | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
The end of the Nostalgia Critic and other lulz
Recently, Doug attempted to ditch his character the Nostalgia Critic and try new things. However, his fans, being insecure, whiny fucks who hate the idea of changing a regular, comforting formula, threw a collective bitch-fit, "causing" Doug's new crap to flop. Though, to be fair, that crap deserved to flop anyways. Butthurt, Doug gave in to demands and returned to the show that was making him the most money, his material now shittier and pointless cameo-littered than ever. Of course, the fans love it.
Recognizing a good opportunity when he saw one, and probably offended that his other projects failed so hard, Doug decided to do an AVGN and set up a fundraiser where fanboys could donate moneyz to his retirement fund show for shitty, worthless "prizes." Fortunately for him, his fans were moronic enough to believe that someone who earns over $1,000,000 a year off needed their help to buy recording equipment, so the donations came flying in. They wanted to upgrade to an SDI workflow, which would help achieve a better quality, faster. This would be all well and good, if they used a platform that supported the higher bitrate from SDI. Something Blip.TV doesn't do. On a more lulzy note, although Doug managed to reach his goal of $50,000, he was hoping to get at least $1,000,000, but "only" ended up getting just under $90,000. This may seem like a lot, but when you consider that the Angry Video Game Nerd made over $325,000, you can't help but chuckle a little. How's that "rivalry" working out now, Doug?
—Now let us show our gratitude by charging you $500 for a 30-minute Skype call! | ||
So, what do you get for donating your hard-earned money to this wonderful young man, you might ask? Well, just feast your eyes on this!
$5: Forgot International Shipping Fuck-all:
If you ordered something that requires shipping costs but were too busy fapping to an NC episode to remember to pay the shipping, you can do so separately here. Aw, that's so nice~
$10: Thank You! Fuck-all, again:
A crappy video Doug made collectively for everyone who was stupid enough to give him $10.00 especially for you. You also get to be on a list no one will ever read.
$25: Autographed Photo: An autographed photo of Doug, as well as Rob, Malcom and Rachel. No, seriously, who are those other people? Regardless, you can get the same thing for much cheaper here.
$50: Behind the Scenes Access!: No, you don't actually get to go behind the scenes and watch the show being made. They just email you links to it, which you can then share on Pirate Bay for the win.
$100: Limited DVD & T-Shirt: You get a limited edition (as in, one of only 750) DVD and T-shirt. For bonus points, wear the T-shirt in public and tell people how much you paid for it. They'll all be super-jealous, really! For some reason, only just under 150 people bothered to buy this, which makes one wonder what happened to the rest.
$200: Voicemail Greeting: Within reason, Doug will record you your very own voice mail greeting or small video. When your friends call you and get said voice mail, they'll think you're BFFs with the man himself... until you confess that you paid $200 to get it.
$250: Sketch by Doug: You thought the commissions on Deviant Art could be expensive? If you feel like paying $250 for a medicore sketch that you could get from someone else for $10, then this perk is for you!
$450: Site Linkage:
Your site or blog will be linked with the big guys forever for a whole two months! Just imagine how impressed everyone will be when you tell them you spent almost $500 to get plugged for two months! People will be flocking to your shitty Geocities site for years to come!
$500: Skype Call with Doug and Rob:
Pay $500 to talk to Doug and his brither you don't care about of for a whole thirty minutes! Slightly less of a rip off than the "meet & greet" sessions at conventions, but not by much. But don't worry! Once you've paid them to talk to you for that half hour, they'll be so impressed by your charming wit and kiss-assery constructive insight, they'll want to become best friends with you for real! Just make sure you're properly funded, and you can pretend to be best friends with them every weekend! After all, it's not like you'll have anything else to do on those days.
For everyone else, keep an eye out on Youtube for "my call with Doug Walker" videos, and act accordingly when you find some.
$750: Screen Your Show: Doug and Rob will watch your shitty rip-off of the Nostalgia Critic on Skype, pretend to like it and give you tips.
$1,250: Super Promotion!: Doug will promote your shitty show at the end of one of his Nostalgia Critic episodes. Keep in mind that just about everyone who watches will know how much you paid to get this promotion, and those who aren't laughing at your stupidity will completely ignore the plug. Money well spent, right?
$1,500: Tour our Studio: Tour Doug's studio and get a bunch of shitty DVDs out of the deal. You'll have to arrange your own travel costs and lodging, but it's all worth it when you get to be a part of the greatest show ever made!
$2,000: Watch Doug film the NC:
Watch Doug film his fast-declining magnum opus. Squeal with glee as you get to watch him pile on outtakes HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS, the Nostalgia Critic show only has one take, yell at his extras and get drunk onset to help him cope with the growing depression of being a washed up internet celebrity. Oh, and like before, you'll have to pay your own way there. Be sure to cash in those extra Welfare checks soon!
$3,500: Lunch with Us!:
Spend $3,500 to have lunch with Doug, Rob, and some other losers (if requested). Granted, there are probably restaurants in Lombard that charge that much, but if you think Doug will be spending your money on having a good time with you, think again. Likely as not, you'll get a quick, cheap "treat" from him in a local McDonald's, then abandoned as Doug and his real friends laugh at your naivety. Also, again, you'll have to pay your own way there and back, which, when combined with the $3,500 Doug wants for his time, will probably add up to the price of a decent car or a down-payment on a flat. But why waste your the government's money on stupid stuff like that when you can waste it on this instead?
$6,500: Be in a NC episode!: Be in an episode of the Nostalgia Critic, for the very reasonable price of $6,500 (and also tour the studio and eat a cheap lunch). When people see you in the episode, wonder who you are and google your name, only to find out you're not important enough to be in a NC episode, they'll soon realize you paid thousands of dollars for the cameo (then again, considering the stupidity of the majority of the viewers on TGWTG, you might be in the clear). But those who do figure it out will be really impressed and jealous, and knowing you bought your way to recognition will give people nothing but respect and admiration for your work! You'll be the talk of their town for the next decade! Like before, you have to pay for your own travel costs and lodging in edition to everything else, but hell, if you're willing to flush this much money down the toilet, a few thousand more shouldn't be a big deal.
External Links
- All of Doug's work
- TGWTG forum
Some guys who hate Doug even more than we doDEAD- Nightmare fuel for the next week
See Also
- That Guy With The Glasses – The website, not the character or the guy this article is about
- The Spoony Experiment – Basically Doug with a few extra braincells and bipolar disorder
- Linkara – Frequently cameos in Nostalgia Critic reviews
- Angry Video Game Nerd
- Fair use – Something Doug doesn't understand
- FanFic Critic - TGWTG wannabe who nightly frigs her clit to this douche.
- Manchild
- Lolcow
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Doug Walker is part of the TGWTG Circle-jerk
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