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Son of art

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Wiccanseries is part of a series of Wiccan Drama. ▲▼

Robin Artisson, known as Son of Art, owl_clan, Tony, and "fuck, not him again," is a short, fat, lying panhandler who bullies people on teh internets and considers himself the God of All Religions.

Early Life

A petulant and fussy infant, Tony refused the breast at birth. His impoverished parents fed him instant mashed potatoes, spurring a lifelong addiction to white trash cuisine and fatty carbohydrates.

Failing in all things academic, Tony spent his formative years hiding from the bullies showing him his place in life on a daily basis. Though he loathed his dwarfism, it proved handy when needed to hide from his abusers, because he could compact his tiny body into many nooks and crannies, a technique still helpful during his infrequent trysts with Jenn Pisstler.

His family finally had enough when he flunked the 10th grade for the 3rd time and told him to hit the road. Because he was in his middle 20's, he easily acquired a GED and joined the Army Reserves, where he was shipped to Louisiana for boot camp and weekly blanket parties.

Tony was dishonorably discharged when he was 28 years old, due to the theft of approximately 72 lbs of bacon over the course of a two-week period. Following a short stint in the stockade and a year of community service, Tony found himself at a place in life where some academia could prove fruitful. A lack of money forced him to settle in the Louisiana town of Monroe, where he enrolled in the local community college and worked as the guy who pulls the dirty diapers out of the shopping carts at the 24-hour Walmart. He excelled at remedial English and basic HTML, and aspired to someday hold a Master's degree in both.

Education

Tony has lied about his many degrees and certifications. He dropped out of college when he became too fat to sit in any of the classroom chairs and started spending his days at Barnes and Noble trying to memorize the thesaurus so he could sound smart.

Actual courses completed are as follows:

The Calling of Paganism

Late one night on February 26th, 2001 in New Orleans, Tony received what he describes as The Vision. After being beaten and kicked out of yet another coffeehouse for fondling himself in front of obese Wiccan women, Tony found himself dazed and bloodied in a stinking back alley. Delusional from repeated blows to the head, he found himself envisioning the great Celtic Lord, God and Master Finn MacCumhail d'Wynyd ap Flynnadrowd'ynflyd before him.

Finn, flaming sword in hand, looked down at Tony and bellowed "GO YE TO IRELAND!" He bestowed upon Tony what he refers to as The Anointing Kiss. It should be noted that Finn turned out to be a bisexual truck driver named Larry Bass wielding a giant, flaming cock with which he "anointed" Robin's slack-jawed face in the expected manner.

Tony's typical recruit.

Finally driven with a sense of Divine Purpose, Tony began cruising local mental hospitals and retirement homes looking for desperate and lonely women who could front him money for a trip to Ireland. Using his boundless reserves of charm, he seduced a poor dumb woman who took pity on this short, fat, balding man and granted him her love (and her Visa card). They were married, and honeymooned in Ireland, where Tony set upon the five day journey of transforming into a lifelong hereditary British Pagan.

Tony demonstrates his 1337 witchercraft, of which he is the world's greatest authority.

Sadly--and predictably--Tony did not fare well in Ireland. Soccer hooligans took turns punching him in the testicles and his wife started her first in a long string of extramarital affairs. He called out in vain to the mighty Celtic warrior with the John Deere hat he'd seen the month before, begging for a sign, but there was no answer.

Tony finally got his answer, while waiting in the airport for his flight home. His new wife had just informed him that she'd prefer they remain in an "open" marriage and he'd picked up a discarded comic book to hide his tears of disappointment. Was it fate or chance that the comic book was entitled Sabrina: The Teenaged British Witch? Tony read the comic book front to back multiple times. He had his answer. Fate had led him to this point! From Larry the bisexual cracker trucker, to the booted hooligans playing trampoline on his testicles, to the massive black leather dong his new wife forced him to fellate nightly, to reading about Sabrina, Tony finally understood his mission. It was indeed fate. Tony would raise a spiritual army: The Army of British Traditional Witches.

Son of Art was born.

Robin Artisson

Having ganked the cool-sounding pseudonym "Robin Artisson" from the Witch of Kilkenny, Tony started his recruitment campaign immediately upon his return to the USA. He spent hours in the Monroe Public Library, cruising Dungeons & Dragons chat rooms for young dumb pagans to influence. Though genuine pagans dismissed him, he would not be swayed, and he found a fruitful source of idiots in the local high-school parking lot, seeking out the loners who lurked on the fringes trying to bum cigarettes from skaters. They were impressed by this midget in the shit-green Honda with the LoTR stickers, and he'd give them blowjobs in the woods in exchange for their time and fresh inquisitive minds.

That is how he came to know Dani Faulk.

Dani was a freshman in high school when he met Tony in the men's restroom of Chuck E. Cheese's in Houston, Texas. Tony offered him a bucket of game tokens if he'd listen to his speech on "Why Jews Should Be Referred to as Chimpanzees" and when Dani obliged, he was struck over the head and manhandled into a burlap sack by Robin and a 400 lb. Wiccan woman named RavenHawkStarWynd, his plural wife. Dani was taken back to Robin's trailer and dressed in a kilt and blue warpaint, and made to create web pages and revert changes and insults to Son of Art's Encyclopedia Dramatica page.

Jenn Pisstler

Tony's wife was getting sick of his faggot shit. She worked long days as the cornrow instructor for the Monroe Community College School of Cosmetology, and hated coming home to a house that stank of Tony's feces and the burritos he kept blowing up in the microwave. She knew it was highly unlikely that anyone would propose marriage to her again, but was also tired of living in a cramped trailer with Tony, four fatties and a 13 year old boy. His constant whining about the legions of women who turned him down for sex finally drove her out of the trailer and into a new and exciting career in post-Katrina New Orleans: peddling stank white pussy in the wrecked ghetto (as if the city hadn't suffered enough). Tony was declared unfit to work due to obesity by the Social Security Administration, and he finally began pulling in a paycheck for the first time in his life. He considers it his "Top Secret Government Job".

It was through Dani Faulk that Tony came to know a slovenly Midwestern chambermaid named Jenn Pisstler. He saw a little of himself in her blatant desperation, revolting appearance and severe poverty, and knew she'd be easily exploited. Since he was online for 20 hours a day as it was, he decided to spend those hours in conversation with her, exchanging nude photographs and brainstorming ideas for a 1337 witchcraft spell to make him taller. She fell in love with his fat dwarfish body and whiny manipulative attitude, and began to subsidize his lifestyle with video games, trannie porn, pallets of Twinkies, and rental payments on his trailer. Taking on the name Isobel Goudy, she bought his Medieval Tymes paganism wholesale, and ultimately financed his failed writing career.

Tony discusses his small windfall with an acquaintance:

   
“ 		 
He described her in unfavorable terms, however, and that he spent the money she sent him on Chinese food, computer games, and beer. He bragged that there was this woman who was dumb enough to send him $2000 for his "publishing business", despite the fact that he planned to have the books made to order and therefore at no upfront cost. He and Seth had a real laugh about that one. The only thing Tony was worried about was that he might have to fuck her eventually, but he thought it would be worth it if she kept sending checks like that.
  		„
  		 

—a traitor to the pagan cause, gods bless him

Robin Artisson: Pagan Author, Scholar, Fatty, Punchline

In 2006, Dani Faulk escaped from Tony's stinking trailer and told his story to the world on what used to be Robin's website. He also released a series of untouched photographs of Tony that lack his signature fat girl angle shot, causing hordes of Pagans the world over to enroll in Jenny Craig.

His book sales have slumped sharply, because only 3 people have purchased them. His steady stream of cash from Jenn Pisstler is waning because she's holding out for him to have sex with her. His wife gave birth to an crack dealer's illegitimate daughter, and is currently sleeping with one of his 400 lb. extra wives. Because he's jobless, he's left in charge of the baby, who, while only 3 months old, is already rejecting him. Robin Artisson is very depressed. The only thing that can pull him out of his eternal funk is victory on the internet.

Yahoo! I'm a Dickwad!

Robin was heavily involved with two pagan-oriented flamewar groups, WitchWars and WitchWars II (registration required for both, because they discuss ADULT TOPICS there, ooo). Despite attempts to have debates about things other than Robin, the usual topic of the day was Robin And His Enemies, or, The Entire Internet Is Against Me. Robin, believing that everyone on the webs had over 9000 sockpuppets like him, figured that anyone who flamed him in any venue was a sockpuppet of Mythunderstood or Kevin and Kat or somebody. After all, since he is such a talented and brilliant man, it would be impossible for REAL people to hate him.

The cause of death for WitchWars is yet unknown, but WitchWarsII exploded in spectacular fashion after Robin, butthurt over being banned from nonfluffypagans, accused that group's mod of repeated infanticide because he had lost one child to a fatal birth defect:

   
“ 		 
Swisscelt is an enemy of mine, well known- his campaigns of smear and fabrication are legendary, and he's done it to other people too; his kids die left and right, and no one has ever investigated him...
  		„
  		 

—Robin, posting as mothercuveen

This, of course, was a heinous crime, because Robin believes that babies serve a holy purpose. He later deleted the original post, but his words are preserved in the hundreds of "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU" posts that followed. Amid screaming self-righteousness on both sides and invocation of the great god Slander, Slander Salamander, the group collapsed in on itself and everyone departed for greener pastures. To this day, pagans who witnessed these events respond to the mention of Robin's name with "Robin Artisson? I thought he was dead," hoping by this to harness some of the same magic that will bring Tinkerbell back to life if you just clap hard enough.

TOW

In January of 2006, Robin decided that his self-published books made him NOTABLE, so he went and started an article on Wikipedia. Several sockpuppets and knob-polishers showed up to the deletion debate, but in a rare show of wisdom, TOW mods segregated their votes as obvious ass-kissing. During the flame war, his followers claimed that he was a totally notable internets personality because his Yahoo groups had "several thousand" members, but the opposition pointed out that there are knitting groups with higher memberships. The consensus was delete: non-notable.

LiveJournal

Tony used to be quite a presence on LiveJournal, because he owned some 500 different accounts that were set up to agree with anything he said wholeheartedly. He spent 5 years trolling different communities and eating a celebratory Slim Jim every time he PWND someone. At last, Livejournal grew weary of his constant humping on their collective leg and BANNED him and his many years of sniveling drivel.

Since LJ fails at banning, however, Tony is back with another several hundred sockpuppets, in Cauldronborn_L, darkpaganism (ooo, scary) and other places that haven't figured out who he is yet.

LJ superiority-complex community dot_pagan_snark has a tag devoted to Robin's activities, though unfortunately his multiple account suspensions and deletions make half of the entries unreadable. Highlights include JESUS IS A FIRE GIANT and Demons write my books for me!

His current ambitions are to bring all of his petty LJ grudges over to Encyclopedia Dramatica, where he will get even with his critics through poorly written articles that substitute fat jokes for creativity. Unfortunately for him, though, rape is imminent.

Clearly I am serious, for I have a blog

Tony's latest project is something on Blogspot called E Profundo Voco, O Deis, which translates to "HAY GUISE I KNOW LATIN." He describes it as:

   
“ 		 
Cynicism, idealism, criticism, esotericism, and optimism alchemically mixed for your consideration and my edification. The political writings, social perspectives, humor, complaints, thoughts, mystical ponderings and personal philosophies of your host, Aurifaber.
  		„
  		 

—Robin, who has learnings

So far, the posts are his usual brand of thesaurus abuse and crimes against grammar. Like Ayn Rand, Robin relies on incomprehensibility to impress people into thinking he has something to say. This may seem like an unfair comparison, and it is, because Rand actually has followers.

Known Usernames and Sockpuppets

Robin, to our current knowledge, has at least ten actual discrete followers. Their usernames are included in this list because it is impossible to distinguish them from him -- they all share the same tl;dr writing style, the same screaming levels of butthurt, and the same tendency to misuse words they found in the thesaurus. If you are not Robin, and you find yourself on this list, you should definitely get offended and vandalize a bunch of articles that he cares about, because that will totally prove you're not him.

Livejournal

Yahoo!

  • alethea_marius
  • dharmaflux
  • flesh_eating_robin
  • g_agorius_taurinus
  • greencoatpath
  • greghalton001
  • hazeldeep
  • howlet_dark
  • hylde_moer_witch
  • jonaswitcher
  • lucius_veritas
  • moraine_sedai (interesting, can't even come up with an original name, but borrows from Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time series- and even then the dipshit didn't spell it correctly. Currently plaguing many Celtic Reconstructionist lists)
  • mothercuveen
  • Oberon_Pendragon (Suspected. Could just be a die hard supporter)
  • redde_robin
  • scarespite
  • scarespyte
  • shagatopia
  • son_of_art
  • sophiathyone
  • taurmarbec
  • volsung_sword (Another suspected sock puppet that could be a supporter)

Websites

Blogspot

Wikipedia

  • Crowshifter
  • Kitchwitch7
  • Lupinespirit
  • Moonflwr
  • Ravenflight
  • Rivethead28
  • Tezcatlipocasgirl
  • Unrulywitch
  • 66.157.188.176

ED

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