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Kid Rock: Difference between revisions
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Latest revision as of 10:20, 10 September 2018
Robert James Ritchie, known by his stage name Kid Rock, aka "HIV Cock", aka "Bob the Builder", is an Americunt rapper with no talent. Kid Rock is known for his eccentric personality and his music that fuses rap with heavy metal, southern rock, funk and country music into an unlistenable mess. Kid Rock released several studio albums that mostly went unnoticed before his 1998 record Devil Without a Cock, sold over 9000 albums behind the hits, "Bawitdaba","Cowboy," and "Only God Knows Why People Buy This Shit". As the undisputed number 1 embarrassment to white people, he should never be forgiven.
Early years
Kid Rock grew up on an apple orchard, in Romeo, Michigan and his father was a wealthy car dealer - very gangsta. His parents would entertain guests with Bobby singing covers of Jim Croce, Johnny Cash, John Denver and Bob Seger at their barn parties.
Albombs
In 2000, he released The History of Cock which was a compilation of remixed and remastered versions of shit songs from his previous shit albums as well as the single, "American Boy Ass". In 2001, he released the follow up, Cocky. After a slow start, his country-flavored hit "Picture" with Sheryl Crow resurrected the album and it went gold as a single and was followed by 2003's self-titled release, which failed to chart a major hit. In 2006 he released Live Trucker, a live album that no one gave a fuck about, wherein he sucked off truckers and recorded the gobbling noises.
Ruining Real Music
In 2003, Kid Rock returned with a cover of Bad Company's "Feel Like Makin' Love. He also ruined "Sad But True" by sampling it into "American Boy Ass". He would induct Lynyrd Skynyrd into the 2006 Rock N Roll Hall Of Fame and vomit "Sweet Home Alabama" with them. "All Summer Long" is a hellish abortion that would bring Kid Rock back to the forefront of music during 2008 and 2009. It utilized the mash up of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" and Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London", while talking about two men falling in love during summer camp in 1989. In early 2001, Rock inducted Aerosmith into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and performed "Sweet Emotion" at the induction ceremony.
Working Up A New Pile of Shit
Kid Rock's follow up to Rock N Roll Jesus is being produced by Rick Rubin. According to his official website, confirmed songs from the album include Mountain Song which is an Alabama cover (ZOMG A COVER?!), a mash up of Cowboy and Wanted Dead Or Alive featuring Bon Jovi, and a song which will sample Michael Jackson's Billie Jean. All very original.
Feuds
Tommy Lee
In 2001 Kid Rock began dating Playboy playmate and actress Pamela Anderson, after the two met at a VH1 tribute to Aretha Franklin. Tommy Lee, Anderson's ex-husband, was serving a jail sentence for spousal abuse of Anderson at the time. Kid Rock telephoned Lee to tell him he was dating Anderson. For a few years Tommy Lee threatened to "beat Kid Rock up" if they ever met in person. In 2004, while Kid Rock, Anderson, and Lee were coincidentally staying at the Mandalay Bay Hotel in Las Vegas, Kid Rock learned that Anderson had contracted Hepatitis C from Lee. He went through the hotel looking for Lee but a confrontation was avoided when Kid Rock barged into the wrong room. After Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson were divorced in 2006, she resumed her relationship with Lee, briefly. Tommy Lee began sending text messages to Kid Rock, bragging that he and Anderson were back together and that he never satisfied her.
—Tommy Lee text message | ||
tl;dr White trash fight over whore.
At the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards, Kid Rock went to the bathroom, and when he returned Tommy Lee had taken his seat to talk to a nigger. Kid Rock returned to his seat, and finding Lee there slapped and punched him before they were separated by security personnel. Kid Rock was later quoted as saying that he was "tired of the disrespect" from Tommy Lee.
Superfag about Tommy Lee on MMA
Radiohead
Yes, Radiohead.
—Kid Rock, eating dinner at a strip club | ||
—Kid Rock designs websites? | ||
—Thom Yorke, Confusing the shit out of the audience | ||
PETA
—Kid Rock picking a hardcore hip-hop beef | ||
—PETA, not caring as much as he'd hoped. | ||
Twitter is gay.
—Kid Rock, finally getting it and being a pretty cool guy. | ||
Also, Twitter is gay.
Non-Celebrities
Waffle House scuffle
In October 2007, Kid Rock was involved in a brawl at a Waffle House (yes, that's the name, and no, you wouldn't eat there) in Atlanta (yes, it's in Georgia, and no, you wouldn't visit) and charged with simple battery.
LOL WAFFLE
—A lame reporter, asking a fair question | ||
—Kid Rock, inflating his $1000 fine to $4,000,000 | ||
He pleaded nolo contendere to one count, was fined $1,000, required to perform 80 hours of community service, complete one 6-hour course on anger management as well as basic math lessons.
—Basic math | ||
Student Newspaper
—Rob, totally PWNing [redacted] | ||
PR reps angry email to a student newspaper review.
Intranet Pirates
Don't steal, I need money for HIV medicine.
Ashley Simpson
On May 27 Kid Rock would ruin 15 minutes of Saturday Night Live. He did "American Boy Ass" and used the intro to trash the previous week's singer Ashley Simpson for lip syncing. The second song was an acoustic version of "Only God Knows Why" that featured Phish's Trey Anatasio. Kid Rock would join Phish later in the year in Las Vegas, Nevada for a set of cover songs (COVER SONGS?!), making dirty hippies and dirtier white trash everywhere coalesce in an epic orgy of bad taste and melanin fail.
Insane Clown Posse
In 1992 Kid Rock recorded the track "Is That You?" with the Insane Clown Posse on their 1992 album Carnival of Carnage. A payment altercation would lead to an ICP/Kid Rock feud for several years. Kid Rock showed up to record "Is That You?" intoxicated, but re-recorded his vocals and record scratching the following day. ICP would during an interview about the album diss Kid Rock and said they didn't even want him on the album. Kid Rock responded on his bootleg series tapes on "Ya Keep On" saying
—Kid Rock, showing off his skills | ||
Ruining Women
Pam Anderson
By April 2002, he and Anderson were engaged, but the engagement was later called off. Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson resumed their on-again, off-again relationship, culminating in a surprise wedding in July 2006 after it was reported Anderson was pregnant. They divorced 5 months later after Kid Rock stated she lied about having a miscarriage.
A truly classy couple.
Sheryl Crow
Kellie Pickler
Careful, dear - that microphone of his looks a bit suspect. Pedobear approves the 15 year age gap between these star-crossed lovers.
Film Career
Sex Tape
Ol' Bob had the good idea to share a quartet of strippers with Scott Stapp, frontman of Christian-rock band Creed. As if one bad idea weren't enough, a video camera was set to roll.
Little buddy on aforementioned 'sex tapes'
Other Cameos
He made a cameo in the turd "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector.
Miscellaneous horrors
—Kid Rock - LOL WUT | ||
Joe C
Joe C was a midget rapper with no talent whatsoever. He also thought himself as being a pro-wrestler. Aside from sounding like, looking like and talking like a 10 year old boy, he was in his 20s when performing. Kind of a twist huh? On November 16, 2000 Joseph "Joe Coeliac" Callejua would pass away in his sleep from embarrassment. The disease of being known as Kid Rock's sidekick stunted his growth and forced him to take 60 pills a day; it is thought he is Birdman's long lost brother.
You lost to WHOM?
- Bob was nominated as Best New Artist at the 2000 Grammy Award's losing out to Christina Aguilera.
- He was also nominated for "Bawitdaba" for Best Hard Rock Performance, though the award was won by Metallica for "Whiskey In The Jar."
- "American Bad Ass" was nominated for Best Hard Rock Performance at the 2001s Grammy Awards, losing out to Rage Against The Machine's "Guerilla Radio".
Schill
—Kid Rock's website, just a click away from his 'clothing line'. | ||
Sexual Deviance
According groupie dirt, Bob likes to be fisted.
Weekend Warrior
- In 2008, Kid Rock recorded "Warrior" for a National Guard advertising campaign. Just shy of a 'git er done', this white trash recruiting attempt will appear in more than 3,000 theaters and on over 27,000 screens around the country.
- Kid Rock was involved in the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show controversy in Houston, Texas on February 1, 2004. He was criticized by war veterans for his choice of wearing the American flag as a poncho. The veterans didn't really care but were just trolling IRL because they were still super pissed that he'd fucked off on a killer Skynyrd tune.
Dropping Dox On The Man
Instead of allowing Kid Rock to work off his sentence by 'entertaining' the troops, the judge told him to pay up and do real community service. Much BAWWWWWING ensued. The charming rogue posted Georgia State Court Judge Alvin T. Wong's personal phone number posted on the front page of his website in retaliation. When asked about Judge Wong, Bobby invokes the troops like he's performing a banishing ritual.
—TMZ trolling IRL | ||
—Kid Rock, showing his nautical side | ||
Political Ramblings
The Republican, Bush-loving, patriot speaks his heart (and what's left of his tiny mind).
Fan Club Faggotry
One fan wrote a poem and was roundly mocked (for all the wrong reasons), proving once again that every forum houses at least one expert on the matter at hand.
—Rox, Kid Rock OG | ||
—Stan, apparently | ||
—angeliquelacrissa, in a wonderful display of ALL CAPS | ||
Oh LAWDY! We've been found
It didn't take long for some lucky googler to come across this article. Follow the yellow-brick lulz lol deleted.[1]
—Srsly? Seaking l33t h4x0rs | ||
—Eva, with some sound legal advice. | ||
See Also
External Links
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Kid Rock is part of a series on Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage. |
