Roman Empire

Always do what as the Romans do.

Warning! Longinus killed Jesus. Jews killed Jesus. Longinus was a Roman. SO ROMANS ARE JEWS HOLY SHIT!!!!1!.

Over 9,000 years ago, there was a land that every /b/tard would have been proud to call home. It was a realm made up of awesomeness and win. It was a place full of loli slaves, orgies, neurotic dictators, Jew killing, and shameless wars against the niggers. This place was called the Roman Empire. Not surprisingly, when the Christians took over and ruined the lulz, every European country would shamelessly claim to be the new Roman Empire in order to get some of the awesome that was Rome to rub off on them.

The Birth of Awesome

As the sages say, so much win could not be won in a day. Rome was a work in progress for many years. According to legend, it was founded by the descendands of a Trojan prince who had escaped a severe pwnge at the hands of the Greeks. Adopting a strategy that would be followed by every command and conquer geek to come when faced with epic fail, he hid on a tiny unexplored area of the campaign map and began to plot his revenge. Of course he forgot, being a fucking trojan and all, and decided to build a city instead; a new Troy that would spawn a new race of Trojans one day.

However, this city turned out to fail, hard, and it remained so for many generations. Then one day the king received word from an oracle that he would die at the hands of his grandkids. Being a descendant of the Trojans, he did the only thing he knew how: he locked his daughter up in a tower and hoped the problem would go away. Mars, sensing her growing lust for a man, descended upon her in a ray of golden light, and impregnated her. She gave birth to two boys, Romulus and Remus, whom the king, being the smart trojan that he is, thought he killed by incest, because that technique always works. However, those two boys were saved from inevitable death by a she-wolf, who suckled them with her own milk and was later rewarded for her services by a hatchet. The boys were raised by this hatchet, and were grown to believe that they would one day become fine gardening tools themselves. However Mars, after realizing that he couldn't escape child support, came to their house and told them that he was their real daddy. Romulus and Remus, now realizing their destiny, went back to the city, slayed their gramgram, and, in a first for the Medittereanean people, did NOT fuck their mother afterwards. With the blood of the Trojans in their veins they did the only thing they knew how and decided to build a city.

However, Remus was a little bitch who thought the new city should be called "Reme." Of course, “Reme” is a faggot name and the almighty Jupiter frowned on Remus's faggotry. Romulus recognized this, and decided to kill Remus, which took all but two shakes of his mighty trojan cock. Of course, nobody cared because Remus was a fag bitch boy. From these humble beginnings of Greek hating and brother killing, Rome had built the foundation of its future awesome.

Romulus and Remus set the stage for centuries of furry love.

The Great Rape of Lucretia

For many years the people of Rome were happy under their despotic monarchs. Everyone was happy so long as the King was despotic to the mindless masses of the plebeian class. After all, it is the duty of the public masses to be oppressed. However, one particularly retarded King decided he would also mess with the Patrician class of Romans. In Ancient Rome, the Patricians were kind of like what the Jews are in America today. Rich in Jew gold and power, you don’t fuck with them and do what they tell you to do like a good little gentile. Somebody evidently, forgot to give the Tarquin King of Rome, and his son, the memo on not fucking with the Patricians, and that includes the daughters of Senators, in this case Lucretia. The prince's cock was too much for Lucretia, and like a whiny emo bitch, killed herself. This sparked the outrage of her father, and the people of Rome, who began to feel more involved as Lucretia's body was carried around all the towns for them to see. Outraged that the king did not save any rape for them, the plebians and Patricians stormed the King's palace, and drove Tarquin out of power. They then set up a new system of government, a republic, which formed the basis for our own Constitution. So yes, the Constitution and all modern forms of government can all be traced back to a 5000 year old rape. Be sure to share this with as many people as possible, especially Women's Rights Groups, for maximum lulz.

The Brutii knew what was best for the Republic.

The Republic

The Republic centered around the esteemed “Senate and People of Rome," or S.P.Q.R as any good wop will tell you today. This is of course, not to suggest that “The People” had anything to do with it. They were stupid plebes after all, so in polite conversation the good patricians just referred to it as “The Senate." You only added “The People” when it came time for an election or if you wanted to fight a war or something. This method of government has since been applied to other countries that have formed similar Senates.

Since the Senators needed to keep the people happy, and also desired new land with which to put their new vacation villas, it was decided that the Republic needed to expand. Oh, and something about bringing civilization to the uncivilized masses of the world. Especially those stinking, arrogant Gauls. Fucking Gauls. So, the Republic launched a series of defensively offensive wars against their neighbors, starting with the Latin tribes. Rome was so successful that they soon had unified much of the Italian peninsula.

Meanwhile, Greece was lividly screaming into its Ventrilo server at the cowardly Trojans for not just showing up and fighting as they desperately searched the campaign map for the hidden base. Greece knew they had to be somewhere because they had not seen the “Victory” graphic yet. At last, the Ancient world equivalent of the predator drone spotted the enemy base in Italy. Heartened that the coveted win may at last be had, a large force of Greeks led by king Pyrrhus invaded Italy. Of course, he failed miserably as the Roman Army pounded him up one side and down the other, causing the rest of the world to have a collective "Oh Shi-" moment.

King Pyrrhus's name forever became tied to winning so badly you actually fail.

Deciding something must be done about these upstarts, the City of Carthage launched a series of conflicts called the Punic Wars. A lot of stuff happened that nobody really cares about. Highlights included trying to get African Elephants over the Alps with predictable results (lulz). The Carthaginians even managed to defeat the Roman Army at one point. They spent the next decade wanking around in the countryside instead of marching on Rome because they forgot to bring siege equipment. Some argue the reason they did this was because Raptor Jesus did not want those puissant Carthaginians to kill the lulz, and so he dazzled them with his rays of awesome. Whatever the reason, the Romans quickly rallied and crushed Carthage. Those few who survived the pwning were sold into slavery. Since Carthage was in Africa, these were the first true African slaves to be brought to Europe, kicking off a long and time honored tradition.

Not even babies were safe from rape when Rome took Carthage.

With Carthage now in Roman hands , it was time to finally fuck the Greeks' shit up. The Greeks were in a panic when they saw the message on the screen "Carthage defeated" and scrambled to build defense buildings, but it was too late. The Legions began to zerg rush into Greece and while they had some set backs, there was no stopping the onslaught. Not even Sparta was able to beat the Romans. The pwnge was so bad they were forced to use more than 300 Spartans at one point, but to no avail. Sparta and all of Greece and Macedonia soon became Roman. This epic fail on the Greeks' part was probably due to them not bothering to advance their units past Hoplite.

16 year old girls take on the Roman conquest of Greece.

Some more stuff happened over the years that nobody cares about until at last came a man beloved of Raptor Jesus. He was a man who embodied the spirit of lulz. He was win incarnate, the arbiter of awesome. His name of Julius Caesar. Caesar was a very smart man who wanted what any good politician and up standing member of a Republic wanted. Absolute power. And he knew how to get it too, by going to war with the (ironically PALER SKINNED) niggers of the day, the Gauls. Caesars campaigns in Gaul were very successful. Raptor Jesus was so pleased with Caesars success that he forever marked the Gaulic lands with the curse of Fail.

	“	I have looked upon the lands of Gaul, and am displeased. It is a land made up of Cancer and AIDS. I sent unto you, Caesar, that thou might have had one last chance to prove that you are worth something to the world. And yet even in this dost thou fail and let yourself be pwned. Verily I say unto you that from henceforth, all those who live in the lands of Gaul shall be full of unwarranted self importance, even as they surrender unto their enemies time and time again. They shall be the laughing stock of the world and the eternal bitch of their more powerful neighbors. Amen	„
	—Raptor Jesus

With the blessings of Raptor Jesus upon his brow, and victories in Gaul, Caesar returned to Rome and graciously accepted the offer to become Dictator for Life. However, there were some who were not happy with this turn of events. These men were lulz killers (literally). Latter day white knights who felt they should save the Republic. And so on the Ides of March, they assassinated Julius Caesar. Unfortunately, they failed to realize that Democracy is a boring system of government compared to Military Dictatorship, which is full of awesome and win. And so many members of the people rallied behind Caesars nephew, Octavian. Some stuff happened that involved some upset Republicans and a whore queen called Cleopatra and Octavian soon became the undisputed ruler of Rome. The first Emperor: Augustus.

It is a little known fact that William Shatner delivered Caesar’s eulogy.

Empire of Awesome

The Romans established peace through superior firepower.

Blame this guy for putting the Jews in your country.

At long last, the Roman Empire was born. As a new modern day (for the times) Empire, the Romans had to do what every powerful nation must do. Invade the Middle East! No country can be complete without Jews to hate and Arabs to kill (if no Arabs are available, Jews are a viable substitute for killing). This is a fact of the world, so don’t question it! The Republic had already made some in roads into the Middle East, and under Emperor Augustus began solidifying their control over Syria, Palestine, and Egypt while forcing the neighboring Parthians to bow low before their might. The Parthians for their part, couldn't have cared less because the Romans seemed intent on ruling just a bunch of Sandniggers. Being the good neighbors that they were, the Parthians offered the Romans help in killing off the Jews and Sandniggers, but the Romans surprisingly rebuffed the offer. Horrified by this turn of events, the Parthians remained hostile to Rome for the duration of their relations.

Roman soldiers taking back the Jew Gold.

And so the Jews, being the disagreeable bitches that they were, resisted the bringing of Freedom and Democracy to the Middle East by the Romans. To try and mitigate the problem, the Romans set up a sockpuppet called Herod to keep them happy. This of course failed and the Jews revolted. Repeatedly. Fed up with their shenanigans, the Emperor Vespasian took two-thirds of the Jews out of Israel, renamed it "Palestine" after the jews original enemies, and scattered them throughout the Empire, setting the stage for many centuries of lulz. So, if you ever wondered how that Jew Banker ever got to your neighborhood, it was because of the Roman Empire.

But Sandniggers and Jews were not the only thing the Romans were up to. Slavery was a big deal in Rome. 25% of the people living in Rome were slaves in fact. Many of them Women. Many of them loli. It was a happy time. Some have argued that this period of history was in fact the Golden Age of the /b/tards. Nothing was off limits. If you wanted CP, you could just go to the market and buy your own loli in order to make your own. All perfectly legal.

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Eventually, the awesome reached critical mass with the rise of two successive Emperors: Nero and Caligula. These two were the epitome of awesome. The patron saints of /b/tards everywhere.

Fun was had by all in the court of Caligula.

Caligula is famous for his Epic trolling. First he trolled the Senate by making his own horse a Senator, complete with toga. When some Senators complained, he had them killed. Next, he trolled the Army by telling them the Sea God Neptune had dissed him and that they needed to invade Britain. Obligingly the Army marched to the English channel with Caligula, only to realize they hadn’t brought boats with them. Caligula lol’d at the stupid army and subsequently ordered them to pick sea shells up from the coast. Many a brave centurion hurt his back bending over in full body armor to pick up the shell of some stupid clam. Not to be outdone, Caligula then decided to troll the Jews by putting a statue of himself on the high altar of The Most High. A lulz killer named Agrippa (not to be confused with Agrippina, the sluttiest slut ever to slut sluts) said that this was going too far. So Caligula dropped this awesome idea. To make up for it, he had a whole bunch of people secretly killed, and then invited them to a party. When they did not show up, he commented to the rest of the guests that they must have an heroed. Predictably, every /b/tard in the world was cheering and ranting “Do it faggot!” to all the wonders that Caligula was bringing. He impregnated his sister, then waited eight months before cutting the little basard out of her and ATE IT IN FRONT OF HER! The lulz ended when Caligula's own body guard had him killed.

"PROBLEM, SENATORS?"

Utterly sated by Caligula, the /b/tards could not believe that things could get any better. But they never saw Nero coming. He decided that Rome was ugly and needed a make over, so he burned it to the ground while playing the early version of the violin. When “The People” got butthurt over this trolling, Nero blamed it all on the Christians. He rounded them up by the hundreds and had them fed to the lions while he had orgies in the imperial observation box. There was nothing better then ramming some loli in the ass while watching Christians get eaten by wild animals. All the /b/tards in Rome obligingly fapped in the Circus Maximus, while cries of “I came buckets!” echoed throughout the land.

Emperor Nero knew exactly what the people and lions wanted.

Thanks to these two great emperors, Rome was set for more Win and Awesome. With Palestine more or less secure, the Romans decided it was time for more war. And what better place to have a war for the sake of having war then Iraq? And so the Emperor Trajan sent his legions into Mesopotamia, securing it all the way to the Parthian capital at Susa. Unfortunately, the Romans soon realized it was hard to control such a vast land infested with Sandniggers. They were soon forced to pull back out of the region. Because of this rare Roman failure, future nations were careful to never, evar, get involved with Iraq again.

This all happened during the reign of the five “Good” Emperors. These Roman White Knights predictably kept the lulz to a minimum. However, this just meant the lulz were being kept bottled up like an infected zit, just waiting to erupt in all its bloody and puss filled glory. This happened with the Rise of Emperor Commodus, who did so while having to fend off an assassination attempt led by a gladiator named Maximus Decimus Meridius, who was the husband of a murdered wife, the father of a murdered son, and wanted his revenge, in this life or the next. Unfortunately for Maximus, he failed along with Commodus’s whore sister. What the main steam media wanted you to believe was all lies. Commodus continued to rule after the failed assassination attempt and swiftly resumed the trolling that made Roman Emperors so great. First he told the Senate that he was a God and that they should worship him. Then he ordered the Roman Military to be renamed after him. And when some of them revolted over this trolling, he had them killed. Don’t evar spoil a Roman Emperors fun.

Commudus dooming Marcus the gladiator.

Some argue that the Roman Empire began to decline after Commodus. Some leading Internet theorists postulated that this was caused by the steady /b/tardification of the Roman state, complete with live Crucifixion shows and slave markets devoted totally to selling loli. The /b/tards by comparison, accuse the steady spread of Christianity as the true “Cancer That Was Killing Rome." Whatever the reasons, the Roman Empire soon split into the Eastern and Western Empire. The West would soon collapse due to invasions from a horde of Barbarians, while the East would live on as the Byzantine Empire before it too fell to a Barbarian tribe named “The Muslims” Disregard this fail statements! Byzantine is a 18th century invention, they were really still Romans! Disregard this statement too! Byzantium's ass fell to the Turks, who then fagged up their city with Muslim shit.

The Eastern Empire

Thanks to a luzly technicality from around the 3-4th century, the Eastern half of the Roman Empire based in Constantinople continued to pwn for another 1000 years. While the West had the Patriarch of Rome who told the /b/arbarians what to do, the Emperor of the Romans listened to fucking no-one, and most were winrar because of it. Then Mohammed and his lulzy lolicons came on the scene around the 7th century, and began to take Roman land in the East. Then dumb dagos came out of the west, and stole trade. Combined with Slavs from the north, by 1450 all that was left of win was Constantinople and SPARTA. Then, in 1453 his Lord Majesty of Shotokan the Sultan Mehmet II took his dumb Slavs and hairy Turks and pwnt the landwalls of Constantinople with a big ass cannon. Actually the city fell because some retard forgot to lock one of its gates. Thus, the final light of win was extinguished after well over 2000 years of epicness.

Legacy of the (Western)Awesome

Save us, Raptor Jesus!

The Roman Empire left a permanent mark on the world that countless peoples have desperately tried and failed to emulate. Some chinks would like to say that during the same time, China was a great society too, but really they were just a bunch of subsistence farmers killing each other for more subsistence farm land, while Rome was a mighty civilization. Be sure to bring this up the next time some Chink boasts about how superior China is to the west.

As for the /b/tards, it was truly the dark ages. Because of Christian morality, the /b/tards were forced to cower in the darkness for fear of persecution at the hands of the Church, praying every day to Raptor Jesus that one day they would be able to reclaim their lost glory. With the coming of the Internet, some say that the time is growing near when Raptor Jesus will anoint a new Julius Caesar for this modern age. A man who will once again lead the /b/tards to the land of Awesome and Loli. We can only hope that this day comes soon.

Using the Roman Empire for Trolling

• Tell the Chinks that Rome would have kicked Emperor Qin's ass.

• Mention to the French that Alesia was the start of Frances long and glorious military history.

• Say that the Jews don't deserve Palestine because they lost it fair and square to the Romans.

• Make an "I Love Nero" thread on any Christian discussion forum. Then explain why. It will be sure to generate Drama.

• Tell Catholics that the Pope is not descended from Saint Peter, but rather from the Roman religious minister known as the "Pontifex Maximus." Be sure to mention that the Pontifex Maximus was responsible for removing Christians and keeping the sacred pagan shrines clean and elegant.

So true.

• Compare modern day Africa to ancient Rome in front of black people.

See Also

• Roman Shower
• Italy
• Europe
• History

Featured article May 11, 2009
Preceded by Rachelle Waterman	Roman Empire	Succeeded by The R Word