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Overwatch is a desperate attempt to simplify Team Fortress 2 into a game so easy to play that babies out of the womb could pick it up. Since MMORPGs no longer made the headlines or the big bucks, Blizzard Entertainment were convinced that easy-to-approach class shooters were the next big thing. Creating a cast of colourful characters that wouldn’t look out of place on a kids tv show, Overwatch on release had every sperg, autist and caveman captivated by the bright colours and loud noises, which distracted from how little content the game actually had. To really bring in as many players as possible the game was made as approachable as possible, so despite being a shooter there's no blood or graphic imagery to reach the lowest age rating. The characters themselves range from Avengers knock-offs for the kiddies, edgy Batman villains wearing trench coats for the teens, and tiny barely-legal Korean girls for the adults.
Blinded by how big of a success Overwatch became, Blizzard quickly lost sight of what the game was and what the fans wanted. What followed was years of mishandling, controversy and company politics that managed to turn the games reputation from the next big thing that everyone was playing, into a messy first-person MOBA that alienated new commers, and pissed off veterans.
In a desperate attempt to revive the game, mainly its image, Overwatch 2 was announced, putting the final nail in Overwatch’s coffin as development for the game slowed to a snail’s pace. The legacy of Overwatch is mostly porn, as well as what happens when everyone gets hypnotised by clever advertising and flashy visuals.
Ashe - Snipers are so cool with their sharp-shooter aim and quick thinking, trading survivability for insane damage. I bet you'd like to be one, except you can't headshot anything that moves and your awareness is most comparable to Helen Keller. Luckily Ashe is for you, with her sniper rifle having such a ridiculous fire-rate that you can riddle your enemy with bullets once you've missed their brain three times in a row. If anyone gets the drop on you, Ashe has a tiny shotgun that pushes away any attacker, and her ultimate ability is to summon a tank robot that has machine gun hands, mowing down everything in sight, so if you've been sucking ass at actually helping your team, you can bring in this tank to do the work you can't be bothered to do. Ashe is for posers, and usually chosen by people who take credit for work they didn't do, like in a school project or work presentation.
Bastion - If you've recently had a lobotomy, Bastion is for you. When you choose this robotic dick-on-legs, you've basically announced to your teammates that you have turned on easy mode and that they shouldn't rely on you to do anything other than mic spam and complain. Bastion can turn into a turret with an ammo capacity that feels almost endless, so enjoy tracking your enemies while you listen to your sigma grindset podcasts. Bastion has an ability to heal himself so you never have to move, but if you feel like stretching your legs, Bastion's ultimate turns him into a cannon on wheels, so enjoy some easy frags. Bastion is for lazy bastards, and usually chosen by people who never work hard at anything they do, but still do better than those around them.
Doomfist - Fighting games suck ass, all the combos and quick maths is no fun so normal people avoid them like the plague. Doomfist acts as a diet-coke version of a fighting game character, tasking players to use his Fisher-Price moveset effectively in a game full of stuns and shields. Doomfist can bounce like an NBA player, slam into enemies the same way he slams into single mothers, and for his ultimate he slams his fat ass into the ground in the hope no one tries to choke him while he gets back up. This handful of abilities plus a pea-shooter in his hand with only 4 bullets, would have you convinced he'd be one of the weakest options in the game, but on the contrary, part of Blizzard's propaganda that black people are better means that Doomfist one-shots half the characters in the game. This is obviously not fun to play against, so for Overwatch 2 they remade his kit to be completely different, instead of trying to salvage this insanely unfair beast. Doomfist is for cucks, and usually chosen by people who think they're better at the game then they really are.
Genji - It might blow your mind to hear that Blizzard, in the name of diversity and breaking stereotypes, made their Japanese character a cyborg ninja. He shoots shurikens that do more damage than bullets, he runs and jump around like Mario on crack, and his ultimate ability is a sword that kills most characters with a single hit. While his design and gameplay is unoriginal, his balance has always been a problem and Blizzard have had to constantly change his cooldowns to try and make him play nice with the other kids. Fact is, it's hard to balance something so ridiculously broken in the first place, there's glass canon, and then there's this gook. Genji is for weeaboos, and usually chosen sweaty tryhards who get three hours of sleep at most.
Hanzo - Chink slitted eye Jap with hitboxes as large as the sun, used by noobs to score noob kills and like all the other characters, don't need fucking skills to play. Press ultimate to win and wait for ultimate bitching from enemy team screaming nerf, you can play this character while closing your fucking eyes. He is in an incestual relationship with a cyborg ninja brother. Discernible character? He is Jap who is honorable and emphasize on every single fucking vowels. In other words. Shit character as usual.
McCree - ClintEastwood rip off. It's a mystery how he is able to survive with a gun as backwards as the revolver but somehow he did because logic is not a statement a sane man would request of a game like Overwatch. He is also popular with noobs, well, all of the characters are popular with noobs but this one stands out by a tiny percentage.
how to cosplay Mei if you are a hambeast
Mei - She build the Shit Wall of China with her ice gun and the cuntiest cunt of them all. Overpowered Chinese cunt that somehow wasn't killed at birth (but should be), sometimes moonspeaking.
Pharah - Some cunt with explosive from an Islamic country, jihadist rip off. Needless to say it was very racist for the developer not to properly respect these people with their due "Allahu Akbar". She also has no discernible personality other than raining her justice from above which definitely is some kind of vaginal juice spray innuendo.
Reaper - An accurate depiction of the average African American in the USA.
Soldier: 76 - GayCall of Duty rip off. Comes in the flavors of Call of Duty and Call of Duty: Ghosts.
Sombra - Now weebs and 12 year old xbox live enthusiasts can pretend they're hackers by playing as this mexican bitch for a juan-ce in a lifetime experience.
Symmetra - Nigga from India who quit her technical support day job for this shit. She can put down turrets and give allies shields. She is the bane of any offense hero trying to push, because her turrets also slow their asses down. Bonus points if you place your teleporter near a ledge, and behold lulz.
Torbjörn - If you are wondering how unoriginal a game was going to get then wonder no fucking more. This is again, a guy with a fucking turret, like we haven't seen that shit before, then he is also Swedish to add in that cliche shit about how Swedish people used to be blacksmiths. A midget with the typical shit Swedish beard (how unoriginal are we going to fucking get) and can build turrets. Original ideas are fucking unoriginal says Overwatch.
Tracer - Fucking cunt that is in the cover because of feminist propaganda. The size of her ass has actually been an issue for contention which shows how little fuck you should be giving about this stupid fucking game. Her abilities are teleporting, cunt and being unoriginal as fuck. She is literally a copy and paste of Scout from Team Fortress 2, most 2D personality you will fucking meet, she is fast and ????????. CAVLARY'S HERE then you instant cringe to fucking death from how bad that British accent was. Also the main source of many of the drama related to this game as it will be explained below. (Humorously, she's able to kick the Scout's ass without using any actual fucking skill)HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
Widowmaker - French cunt who is too busy trying to empower feminists with her killing her husband bullshit, she doesn't have any discernible character other than describing about how she was scared of fucking spiders which somehow carried into how she said she was brainwashed by Bad Overwatch....???? what? Gave some edgy fucking speech about how satisfying it is to kill people, oh you are so edgy gurl, you feel satisfied from killing people, woe is me, imma terrified. She was rightfully nerfed for being a noob cunt that kills people without aiming.
Reinhardt - German oldfag that was lost on the way to retirement home and jumped into an experimental Nazi warmachine, constantly has his barrier field out while all his bitch teammates who can't kill for shit cowers behind him so they can make use of the pussy barrier to get noob kills. He can charge into people.
Roadhog - It's a fucking miracle he is even moving but the breathing mask probably explains it. He can pull bitches towards him with a chain, also overpowered as fuck and used by noobs, an universal representation of the average gamer.
D.Va - A Korean professional girl gamer and Hollywood actress that turned unto mech rider. Stupid, retarded and completely out of the realm of possibility you say? Well, Overwatch is here to test your bullshit tolerance, right now you are asking yourself how the flying fuck a no life cunt who lives in her mother's basement managed to grasp the concept of piloting an intricate mecha and is not fat as fuck, Overwatch says thinking is for the weak. Her mecha is shit like all China made product so it explodes instantly after you get hit (not really) then you will have to kill this sneaky cunt twice, which also leads to the question how the fuck can someone who live in their mother's basment have enough combat physique to take even one shot. Well, Overwatch says, fuck you that's why.a pistol that can do more damage than the mech itself. Her ultimate ability is turning your battleground into South Korea after North Korea finish their weapon development. Running away from a nuke is as effective as running away from a nuke so don't even bother avoiding it, just turn on your godmode hack and kill that cunt. She is also overpowered and should rightfully be nerfed but as said, Overwatch is dominated by noobs and children so the cycle continues with noobs using overpowered weapon to kill people.
Support
that was the fucker who sold me bad shit on my trip to Brazil!!11!!
Zenyatta - A robot monker who preaches personal interaction with people by killing people with his metal balls, developers attempt to be culturally integral, fails badly. While he is the most fragile piece of garbage in the game with an average heal, he more than makes up for it by shooting an Orb of Discord at you, which increases the damage an enemy takes. If he's good, he will absolutely assrape your team, or scare you so badly you have to hide behind the wall like a bitch. For his ultimate ability, he drops acid while taking them so he can "experience tranquility".
Lucio - HUEHUEHUEBRBR A typical Brazilian gangster that killed families and before deciding to join Overwatch to avoid getting arrested. Rides around on gay rollerblades while blasting shit fucking hip-hop. He's the standard healer pick of just about every team because said rap can heal everyone constantly or make them move faster. He can switch between these abilities at will AND can give his teammates shields fairly often, which makes him and anyone he's near incredibly annoying to kill. As if that wasn't enough, he can fart into the microphone on his futuristic boom box and send out a blast of sound that you think might be shockwave but it's actually hip-hop so fucking shit that any faggots whose cells even comes in contact with it automatically repels from it.
Ana - Older sandnigger (who is that other sandnigger with explosive's bitch mother) terrorist with mediocre heals and low DPS. She doesn't have explosives like her daughter but she does have a sniper that heals her team (how?), because what kind of fucking genius couldn't come up with this kind of idea in real life? Shooting a dart into your team to heal them. Why isn't there a RPG that heals too? HOW ABOUT A FUCKING NUKE THAT HEALS PEOPLE?
Mercy - German medic - ORIGINAL CHARACTER, DO NOT STEAL. Also known as "Healslut" in the community because of her fast healing, but then again, she can only target one person at a time which makes Lucio superior (a man being superior at something than a woman? Go fucking figure). Has a damage boost as well, but if you're using it then you're not healing, so only retards ever switch to it. Her ultimate revives all nearby dead teammates, but the only way to use it is to completely fail at your only job. Duly noted to be actually Swiss but there is no difference because we know Switzerland supported the Nazis. She is a medic, go fucking figure, why don't you just give her a white flag to play off her French descent some more.
