COBOL

COMMON BUSINESS ORIENTED LANGUAGE is the prune juice of the programming world. If you still know how to write code in this this shitty language, you definitely are a respected and valuable member of the programming community. COBOL was invented by a woman, which is probably the main reason why it downright sucks giant cocks. We all know that wimminz never make anything worthwhile.

EXAMPLE CODE

 
 AA-INTRODUCTION SECTION.
        AA-01.
       *     A HORRIBLY VERBOSE PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE
       *     THAT PROBABLY NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN 
       *     INVENTED.  THERE ARE MILLIONS OF
       *     LINES OF THIS GARBAGE STILL IN USE.
       *
       *     THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT COBOL WAS THAT
       *     IT STOPPED BAD PROGRAMMERS BEING REALLY
       *     AWFUL PROGRAMMERS.
       *   
       *     HOWEVER, COBOL CAN BE FOUND AT THE MAINFRAME
       *     OF YOUR FAVORITE BANK. THE 60'S STRIKE AGAIN.
       *
       *     NOW, ADD 1 TO COBOL GIVING COBOL, PLEASE, .
       *     DEAR COMPUTER, AND RETURN THE RESULT (S0C7)
       *     AT MORNING.
       *
       *     THERE IS NO CABAL.
 
            PERFORM IMMORAL-ACTS UNTIL POLICE ARRIVE.
            DIVIDE CAKE INTO MANY-PIECES YIELDING BIRTHDAY-PARTY.
            EVALUATE TRUE
            WHEN CAKE NOT = 1 OR 3 OR 5 OR 7 OR (MOON-PHASE NUMERIC)
                MOVE CORRESPONDING MANY-PIECES TO MANY-MOUTHS
            WHEN OTHER
                EXEC CICS LINK PROGRAM  ('TOAST')
                               COMMAREA (RUM-BOTTLE)
                               LENGTH   (ONE-GLASS)
                               END-EXEC.
      * EAT THAT, MISERABLE MAINTENANCE PROGRAMMER!!!
            IF DRUNK-FLAG
               INSPECT STOMACH REPLACING ALL LOW-VALUES BY ZEROES
                IF STOMACH > ZERO
                 NEXT SENTENCE
             ELSE
                  GOTO A99.
            GOTO AA-Z23X.
 
       AA-Z23X.
           PERFORM AA-01 THRU AA-Z23X UNTIL WORLD-SPIN-SPEED > 5
           GOBACK.
 
       AA-99.
           MOVE RANDOM TO RETURN CODE
           STOP RUN.
      *END OF PROGRAM (REST IN PIECE, PLEASE)
       END PROGRAM COBOL.

1. Divide environment
2. Comment a line of code
3. Write a shit-ton of code
4. Hello world
5. ????
6. PROFIT!!

In Python, a similar program would only take about 5 lines, as opposed to over 9000, which already explains why COBOL sucks.

Trolling COBOL coders

• Steal their depends (if their a wimminz)
• Eat their prunes
• Steal all of the hard caramels
• Destroy social security
• Take a shit in the local bingo hall
• Walk all over their lawn
• Raid the dollar store

See Also

• Programming
• C
• Nerd

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