Goku Vs Superman

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Will never actually look this cool.

Five seconds later, they started fucking.

Since the beginning of the internets, man has wondered who would win in an epic battle: Goku or Superman? Much debate has been had on the internets (hell, even 4chan has argued on the subject) as to who is truly the greater superhero. It has been prophesied for that the epic battle will take place on the 21st December 2012, thus causing a rip in the Space-Time Continuum, creating an imbalance of matter and we're definitely all going to be fucked (except for Superman and Goku).

Much more likely, however, is an unbelievably gay crossover hosted by DC and Shūeisha, consisting of Goku pulled into Metropolis to help Superman defeat Lex Luthor, who will have stolen the Dragon Balls to wish himself super powers so that he can take control of the entire multi-universe. Five pages will be devoted to the fan service duel which will, naturally, end in a draw.

Google "Superman vs. He-Man" for historical context.

Serious Business

It begins!!

The battle is Serious Business. If you think we are retarded for believing in it you should go be an hero. One day it will happen and when it does, we'll all be fucked. This'll be even worse than two Falcon Punches colliding. Honestly, you should kill yourself right now before this happens.

This is so fucking serious, we will gladly unload several more tired in-jokes we'll pretend are genuine "memes" at you, just to impress upon you the dire nature of this completely imaginary struggle between insanely over-powered fictional superhumans that are at the same time cornerstones for massive industries and also impossibly, impossibly lame.

Seriously, this is right up there with Batman vs. Superman, Imperial Star Destroyer vs. Enterprise, and Sony vs. Nintendo, in terms of ludicrous shit nerds take so seriously all you can do is stand there and stare, despairing for the continuance of our species. Besides, there's no fucking contest. Everybody knows that the Star Destroyer would tear the ass out of the Enterprise before they ran low on forward deflector shields.

Ultimate Showdown?

Before getting involved in this particular idiot debate, it is first important to understand the capacities of the combatants:

Goku

He carries his scrotum on his belt.

• Despite being an alien (his real name is like Cockrot or some shit), is one hundred percent Japanese.

• Can go Super Saiyan 4, which is three more than Super Saiyan 1. Only faggots bother with prime-numbered Super Saiyan transformations.

• Saved the world at least 5 times, each time from horrible god-monsters who were mainly there to pick a fight with him.

• Fucked Chi Chi at least once, meaning at least once, Chi Chi's mouth was too full of dick for her to shriek her usual obnoxious, grating blather. The woman they got to dub her voice in English is like iron nails down the chalkboard of your soul if you're some wapanese faggot.

• Is the guy with a power level that was OVERRR NINNNNEEE THOUSAAAAANNNNDDD???, thus forcing the internet to put up with kids who are considerably younger than the series repeating this exclamation fucking endlessly.

• Is a major player in the hentai industry. Seriously, Goku shows up in more Rule 34 images than any other anime character. Stumpy little fucker has stuck it in everything.

• Blow up planets with an energy blast, and then spend the rest of the season doing literally nothing but eat and fuck around like a spastic in a space shuttle. No, really.

• Extremely popular and yet has never been in a single video game worth a fucking damn.

• Incapable of throwing a single punch without first spending at least ninety minutes going HHHOOOHHHHHH in extreme close-up shots.

• Trained by a series of comedy perverts living in a variety of bizarre environments.

• Initially based on Chinese folktale anti-hero Sun Wu-K'ung, the Monkey King, an arrogant and self-serving trickster demigod who stole magic, immortality and a magic staff from a series of increasingly powerful men; picked a fight with a literal army of gods and beat the shit out of all of them; pissed right in the middle of the Buddha's palm and had a fucking mountain dropped on him in punishment. On the whole, way fucking better than Dragon Ball Z.

• Has made creator Akira Toriyama enough money to buy and sell you and your entire family a million times over.

• Died and was brought back to life through alarmingly retarded Deus Ex Machina magic plot devices, died again and his dipshit offspring took over for him and destroyed the franchise.

• Surrounded by mostly useless people who do very little besides bog him down.

• Immediately recognizable and infinitely lame.

• Died when an alien blew up.

---

Nietzsche can't be wrong.

Superman

• Despite being an alien (his real name is like Fag-el or some shit), he is one hundred percent American. Just like Jesus.

• Can move at the speed of light, but lets the Flash hang around because he's too nice a guy to tell the useless fuckwit to go screw himself.

• Can fire lazers outta his eyes, fly, and suck a bowling ball through six hundred miles of garden hose.

• Fucked Lois Lane, despite basic physics stating more-or-less blatantly that such an action would completely obliterate the woman. Seriously, he'd literally tear her in half on his first thrust, to say nothing of ejaculate akin to artillery fire.

• Wears his underwear on the outside and nobody's ever had the balls to tell him how gay it looks.

• Can apparently hold a black hole in his hand. Fuck it, it's DC Comics. They restart the entire universe every few years.

• Has saved the world pretty much at least once a month for the past sixty years.

• Extremely popular, and yet has starred in one of the worst video games ever made.

• Can turn back time by flying around the world counter-rotation until it turns backwards, thus causing every scientist in the world to simultaneously choke to death on their own enraged bile.

• Strong enough to push the Earth out of orbit, yet has not done so because Earth is where he keeps all his stuff (including a mansion made of fucking ice and a room full of wax dummies of all his friends).

• Creators Siegel and Schuster hilariously fucked out of ownership and royalties by DC Comics. Same as with Bob Kane and his creation, Batman, neither them nor their families have seen a fucking dime from the billions Superman has raked in.

• Died and the franchise was nearly destroyed by four dipshit replacements until he was returned to life through an alarmingly retarded deus ex machina magic plot device.

• Surrounded by mostly useless people who do very little besides bog him down (including dog, female, horse, and younger boy versions of himself. Also Beppo the Super Monkey. Yes, really.

• Immediately recognizable and infinitely lame.

• Survived when a fucking galaxy exploded.

O rly?

Oldfag's depiction of the battle.

But it doesn't really matter. Someone will eventually threadjack with a Shoop Da Whoop or some other played-out meme and end the mess in instant fail. This is often used as a final solution in a Goku vs. Superman flame war, seeing as how nothing but a wild non-sequitor can possibly stop a pack of feral ADD-addled fanboys from arguing about this meaningless shit for fucking months on end, we shit you not.

Much like the endless and endlessly tiresome ninja versus pirates moderately-funny-once-for-thirty-seconds-joke-that-will-not-ever-die, Superman vs. Goku is a fanboy versus fanboy debate, an argument that will rage until the combatants get bored and go back to fapping over lolicon porn.

As such, it is a potential lulzmine with even the most basic trolling, as fanboys are left wholly incapable of rational thought when the object of their creepily obsessive affection is on the line. Suggesting that, for example, anime X is pretentious, retarded or practically unwatchable will earn you a face full of death threats. Fanboys will gladly trample their own mothers to be the first to call you a faggot for disliking their favorite imaginary character or believing that a different one might be in any way superior.

It's barely sporting, but still a pretty fun way to kill an afternoon.

REAAADDYYY...FITE!!

An intricate and pointed example of persuasion.

HEY GUYS, WHO WOULD WIN: GOKU OR SUPERMAN?

Goku fanboy: Goku obviously
Goku fanboy: Goku, end of discussion.

Superman fanboy: Didn't superman servive a planet exploding with him there? goku ran like a pussy 
                 bitch scared shitless when it was his turn!
Superman fanboy: and how many times has superman died compared to goku??? oh wait thats right

Goku fanboy: Goku can fight whilst he's dad fgt. You just owned yourself.
Goku fanboy: instant transmission to kryptonite supply. goku wins

Superman fanboy: zombie superman
Superman fanboy: yeah by getting wished back you faggot . . . and he still dies you homo so i 
                 didn't own myself

Goku fanboy: He does fucking fight WHILST HE'S DEAD retard. In the buu series he was allowed to come 
             back to earth for a day WHILST HE WAS STILL DEAD, hence why he still had A FUCKING 
             HALO. Dipshit, research your shit before you start talking shit.
Goku fanboy: Supes can't fly at the speed of light, and goku can fly faster than the speed of light 
             and also has instant transmission. Instant transmission to a galaxy with no yellow sun  
             and push supes' face in. Goku wins.
Goku fanboy: Retard, frieza and buu could breathe in space but Goku still kicked their ass.

Superman fanboy: oh my god are you retarded??? HE STILL FUCKING DIES!!!! which means he is not all 
                 powerful. if he was he wouldn't die i mean jeezus the man blows himself up to TRY 
                 and kill shit and does not a god damn thing what a homo Goku fanboy: It wouldn't 
                 matter cause Supes couldn't kill him, so the point is moot.

Goku fanboy: He died because HE SACRIFICED HIMSELF artard, and still maintains ALL his power in the 
             afterlife. Fuck you bitch tit cock cunt.

Superman fanboy: uh no shit but you think if he summons all the power in his body and the earth and 
                 still can't kill something doesn't that tell you something?
Superman fanboy: Supes can't fly faster than the speed of light? Couldn't stop a bullet as a kid? 
                 Superman holds black holes in his fucking hands, faggots. Superman punches bitches 
                 across galaxys. One time, Superman SNEEZED a fucking galaxy into pieces.  Are you 
                 even registering this shit?  Superman pulls planets across the universe with  
                 strength alone. Red sun? Kryptonite? OLD FUCKING NEWS, FAGGOTS. Superman smashes 
                 dicks made out of that shit.  Superman presses 200 QUINTILLION TONS with one 
                 fucking arm behind his back. Can you handle this shit?  Superman wtfbitches Goku. 
                 Shit stomps him.

Goku fanboy: FUCKING IDIOT. The guy he was fighting when he died was about to BLOW THE FUCK UP as in 
             IF GOKU TRIED DESTROYING HIM THAT WOULD FUCKING END THE EARTH MEANING YOU'D BE DEAD AND 
             UNABLE TIO FAP TO YOUR SHOTA PORN BITCH.
Goku fanboy: Goku could literally take the energy from the black hole and use it to fuck supes up. 
             He can take the energy from the entire universe and absorb it. Superman included. You 
             can't beat that

Superman fanboy: THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER, SUPERMAN HAS FUCKING SAVED THE 
                 WORLD MOAR TIME THEN GOKU HAS HAD SEX. YOU CAN'T FUCKING BASE YOUR SHIT ON PEOPLE 
                 DYING, UNLESS YOUR SHIT MEANS HE'S A FUCKING RETARD WHO SUCKS AT FIGHTING. SUPERMAN 
                 WILL FUCKING END GOKU BITCH.
Superman fanboy: oh my god you honestly know nothing do you??? HE USED A FUCKING SPIRIT BOMB. . . . 
                 ie: USED ALL EARTH'S POWER AND DIED!!!!! HE FUCKING DIED! EARTH WASN'T DESTROYED 
                 AND NEITHER WAS THE PERSON...

Goku fanboy: FUCKING IDIOT. HE ONLY USED SPIRIT BOMB WITH VEGETA, FREEZA AND BUU. I WAS TALKING 
             ABOUT CELL YOU DUMB SHITWIPE. HE DIDN'T USE A FUCKING SPIRIT BOMB AGAINST CELL DID HE 
             FAGGOT??!?!?!?! 

This goes on until the thread 404s.

Notice the distinct progression of events: First, sides are chosen and the argument escalates to ad hominem almost immediately. When that fails to score a win, completely fucking made-up powers are ascribed to the individual combatants and used as evidence of superiority. Observe: at no time does either side recognize that they are not in fact discussing real people. By the end, nearly all text is caps and they're more or less screaming gibberish at each other, and will continue to do so until the thread capsizes or one of them passes out.

Take out the names and it's two little kids screaming "MY DAD CAN BEAT UP YOUR DAD!" at each other until one of them starts crying.

This faggotry has plagued mankind longer than herpes and is exhibit fucking A in the case against our species.

Gokuman

(moar like Gookman,amirite?) If Goku and Superman did that gay fusion dance from Dragonball Z. Cause you know DC or who ever makes Dragonball Z wouldn't let one of them lose the fight.

Death Battle

The failures over at Screw Attack actually made up a video to put this extremely stupid issue to rest. Breaking down stats, examining weapons and skills. Sort of like a fanboy version of Deadliest Warrior. The result? Superman wins. Even the people researching the damned thing freely admitted that they skewed data in favor of Goku. And in the end he still wasn't even close to matching Superman.

A mighty torrent of nerd rage and fanboy butthurt exploded in the comments with DBZ fanboys crying big crocodile tears that their favorite fictional character didnt beat the other fictional character. The butthurt was so great, and so intense people started boycotting Screwattack. They even made a facebook page dedicated to how hating screwattack where Superman fanboys proceeded to taste delicious tears.

The offending video

An alternative perspective from a dbz fanboy

Gallery of Utter Fail

Gallery of Utter Fail About missing Pics

• 
  Cop-out.
• 
  It could be worse. At least we didn't have to watch them fucking.
• 
  The Source. The Answer.
• 
  From deviantART. Act surprised.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

• 
  This is Goku fighting Superman according to Google.
• 
  Behold!
• 
  Jesus Christ what?!

See Also

• Ninjas vs. Pirates
• DBZ
• Superman
• Epic
• Fanboy
• Shit nobody cares about
• Silk Screen Goku Shirt

External Links

• Newgrounds depiction of the battle
• Something Awful's flawless debate

Goku Vs Superman is part of a series on Anime Visit the Anime Portal for complete coverage.

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Goku Vs Superman is part of a series on Psychology