Amy's Baking Company

Amy's Baking Company, run by Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, is a WORLD CLASS restaurant in Scottsdale, Arizona, where you can expect to be treated with speedy service in a friendly atmosphere and treated with the respect that you, as a discerning customer of exquisite taste, so richly deserve.

LOL, just kidding, it's a festering shithole run by a pair of self-centered, ego maniacal, batshit insane assholes who can't even take the slightest measure of criticism without having an epic meltdown like an angry toddler in a therapy session. While normal people can generally take criticism with an open mind, or at least a closed mouth, little miss former jail bait Amy and her ever devoted, doting, sugar daddy husband (who's old enough to be her dad) instead respond to any form of criticism as if it were a directed personal attack on them and their character. To the point where they quite literally explode in frothing rage before "taking their ball and going home"...by which we mean that they SHUT THEIR ENTIRE RESTAURANT DOWN, every other minute Amy reaches the point where she can no longer function as an adult (which is pretty well a daily occurrence).

The Restaurant

Amy Bossington had a dream. She wanted to open her very own restaurant. Unfortunately, she had no training, and couldn't cook worth shit. Then along came Samy Bouzaglo. For reasons too fucking retarded to list, he decided to fund her stupid dream, and the two were later bound forever in ill-advised matrimony. In 2010, Amy's Baking Company was born, and didn't do half-bad for a while. But then they decided to turn their bakery into a bistro.

You Just Don't Know Good Food

Almost immediately, they started receiving negative reviews on Yelp, much to the butthurt of Amy. The reviews cited piss-poor service and lousy food with ingredients that taste like shit together, on top of the rude behavior of the managers. Amy and her husband decided that the only way to fix this problem was to maturely respond to the negative criticisms by logging onto Yelp and insulting people in a five-star review of their own restaurant.

	“	In retrospect, I should have known better than to step foot into Amy's Baking Company (a.k.a. ABC Bistro). -8 pm on a Saturday night, three tables are occupied -a sign on the door indicates they're looking for an experienced line cook, a dishwasher, waitresses, you name it -Pita Jungle, just a stone's throw away, is packed to the gills These are all bad signs. They go ignored, however, because I'd eaten one thing all day, and I had drove here to try their pizza. Never, ever again. The waitress brings me out a water and a menu to my table for one on the patio, which I had all to myself. Browsing the apps, I was pleasantly surprised to see several things priced $3, which seemed like a bargain, given the high price of everything else. $3 tapanade sounded like a good deal, but I was informed that it didn't come with anything - it was $3 extra for bread. Since I was solo, I decided to skip it and instead pay $14 for their 12" margherita pizza. About three minutes later, the waitress drops off my pizza. "Your pizza", she says, leaves a plate and off she goes. I sat for a moment, confused as to how things happened so quickly. I try to grab a slice of the pizza, but it was so blazing hot that I wasn't even going to attempt to handle it. I waited for a few minutes to let it cool off, only to discover that not only had it cooled enough to handle, but was actually well-cooled and most likely reheated. After a closer inspection of the pie in front of me, it was evident that it had been reheated, as there were smaller tomatoes that had spent their time in the oven, and larger tomatoes that had barely been kissed by the heat of the oven. I took a bite, and was immediately underwhelmed. The crust had very little character, was slightly sweet but had that store-bought quality to it. The pesto tasted okay, but the tomatoes were completely tasteless and overall, it just fell flat. It's margherita - the ingredients need to shine to make such a simple pizza. These ingredients were sub-par. After two small pieces, I decided I was wasting my calories and just gave up on it. So I sat outside, not eating, and sat. And sat. Where the hell was the waitress? I glanced inside a few times, hoping to catch her eye, but she must have been occupied elsewhere. The owner comes out. "How'd you like your pizza?" Instead of immediately responding, I asked how it had come out so quickly. In short, he told me another table had ordered it, decided they didn't want it, and it sat in the kitchen for two minutes, who in turn decided to send it out to me since I didn't order anything else. Me: "Well, it didn't really taste fresh". Him: "No, no, our pizzas are the best. Ask our customers. You're the first person since we've opened to ever not like our pizzas". He got very defensive about the pizza, but I hadn't really launched a harsh criticism on the pizza, just said I didn't really enjoy it. So I sat some more, with an empty drink, and realized they wanted me gone. The owner wouldn't make eye contact with me. The server never came back out asking if I wanted something else. And they still hadn't refilled my drink. So I sat on a patio, alone, and decided to have a smoke. The waitress comes out... Her: "Sir, there's a no smoking sign over there, I was told to tell you to not to smoke here." Me: "Is this the last f*** you in this experience?" Her: "Yes, I think so". She walks away. I walk inside, pay the bill, and leave. No apologies, no discounts on the bill, nothing. $18 for weak iced tea and shitty pizza. This is arrogance in its worst form. I can forgive bad food, but I cannot forgive misplaced arrogance and the blatant dismissal of a customer, whether you agree with them or not. Perhaps the sign on the door should also say, "Wanted: New owner". I cannot, for the life of me, recommend this restaurant to anyone.	„
	—Joel L. on Yelp

	“	Dear Joel,L. It is blatantly obvious to me why you were ALONE on a Saturday night! Read any of the reviews that have been written about us and you will see that EVERYONE loves us!! The only people that don't is our "Competition". We knew you had been sent by another restaurant before you even ordered your $14.00 Pizza. The Pizza was fresh and amazing. The reason the tomatoes had different texture was because I use three different heirloom tomatoes and some of them are sundried. So of course they are going to have a different texture from the fresh ones!!! But perhaps you are only accustomed to tasting the ones that come "fresh from the can!" Moving on to the "Store bought Dough" Comment. PLEASE!! My dough is made fresh every day from 100% organic ingredients. Perhaps your palate is not sophisticated enough to tell the difference. As for you having the Patio all to yourself unless you have been living on another PLANET it is summertime in ARIZONA MORON!!! Only TRAMPS and LOSERS want to sit outside in 110 temperatures!!!! We are hiring because we are so busy that we need to hire more people. You just so happened to come right after a huge rush. And the people did not change their mind for the Margarita Pizza they ordered. They were still enjoying their amazing Caesar salad and I thought perhaps you would appreciate not having to wait so long for your pizza. Which was just coming out of the OVEN. I am the CHEF and the owner, and I am the one that made your Pizza. As for the no smoking comment everyone knows that it is against the LAW to smoke within 20 feet of a public place. But perhaps you think you are above the LAW. Have a little respect not everyone wants to subject themselves to being around second hand smoke. And as for the overpriced menu items if you think that $12.00 is too much for an ENTRÉE sized ORGANIC Salad or $14.00 is too much for an AMAZING Pizza then perhaps you should go to the PITA JUNGLE that is just a stone's throw away. And if you get lucky maybe you can even dig up someone up to take with you so you can share a $5.00 Falafel. Do US a favor and keep your ugly face and you ugly opinions to yourself and go back to the restaurant that you really work at!! I would LOVE for anyone who reads this review to come to ABC and try our Pizza. If you don't like it then I guarantee you don't have to pay for it.	„
	— Amy, on Yelp

Take careful note of the ALL CAPS, baseless insults, and wild excuses. They will be a recurring theme.

This incident was later picked up by the local news, who wrote an article about it on their site.

Kitchen Nightmares

Gordon Ramsay decided to try his hand at saving this sinking ship of a restaurant on his television show, Kitchen Nightmares, in 2013. Needless to say, it didn't go very well. A clip of the episode was posted on Reddit before it was aired, and was later taken down and had its comments disabled following the inevitable shitstorm.

Right off the bat, Amy exposes her craziness to the world by rambling about how haters and bloggers have been trash-talking her business and lying about her food, how she loves her cats, and how she knows Ramsay will tell everybody how lovely her food is.

And thus begins the downward spiral into chaos. We learn that she thinks that the bun on a salmon burger should be spewing liquids at the slightest touch, that raw pizza dough is "crisp and crunchy", that her husband steals tips from waitresses (which in this case isn't technically illegal because they do pay full-time wages to the staff), that she sells ravioli she buys from the grocery store and calls it fresh, and how, like an aspie on deviantArt, she and her husband collapse into sputtering insanity at the slightest hint of criticism.

He gets approached by former employees too, and they tell him that Amy fired at least 50 (it ends up being over 100) staff members in one year, and that Samy had his employees wash his car for him.

Following a second conversation with Amy and Samy that starts off with them "clarifying" a few things with him, namely that the reason some orders MAY have been a little messed up was because Ramsay was distracting Amy by being in the kitchen and disrupting the normal flow of things (even though he spent most of his time out in the dining room), Ramsay decides that he can't help them. He does the only sensible thing shown in this episode, and just walks the fuck away.

Funnily enough, this is probably the calmest Ramsay's ever been on television. And considering he just straight walks out on the restaurant at the end, that's saying something.

Your Typical Yelp Reviews

“   A friend and I stopped in here a few weeks ago. We had a coffee and a pastry which were both remarkably mediocre. However, that night I had the strangest dream! Yes, a dream that the following took place. It is therefore not a claim that this happened, and therefore not begging to be say, oh I don't know, deleted? Although I suspect that the store bought pastry I had may have brought it on which makes it relevant. Very, very relevant.... [wavy dream sequence lines...] Upon entering, we were greeted by a warm and engaging Samy who hustled us excitedly, and totally not at all rudely, to the nearest table. While perusing the best, and most honest and forthcoming, menu on planet earth, I hardly noticed that Samy had removed our shoes and was giving us pedicures! He said it was 'just one of those things we do!' Now THAT is service. After our leg massages (although a little high up the thigh, Samy you rascal, this is a family show!) we ordered Caesar salads to start followed by a pizza and totally not ever shipped from 500 miles away ravioli. We were thrilled to wait the 3 hours for the salad to arrive as Amy came out of the kitchen to fawn over the staff and perform a little soft shoe for her adoring, and totally not starving, fans. Initially we thought the dressing was contrived over spiced crap, but Samy was kind enough to remind us that, although by a conservative estimate we had eaten over 43,000 meals in our lives, we have no fucking idea what we are talking about and we should probably just shut the fuck up. We all had a good laugh! The fig jalapeno mutton black truffle oil velveeta shallot mango pizza arrived a barely perceived 53 minutes later. Lest anyone think that it looked like a luke warm, soggy pile of cow shit with smaller lumps of multi colored shit all over the top of it making us want to vomit, I can assure you friendly reader, it most certainly did not. Minutes after gutting down the skittles pizza we both began to uncontrollably projectile vomit and foul our pants simultaneously. Samy stopped by to remind us that not only did we not know how to eat, we knew even less about shitting and puking. Right again Samy. Right again. Next up, the pepper encrusted okra pelican corn sweet spicy sour turnip sea snail, totally not shipped from 500 miles away, ravioli took our breath away. Along with the rest of the contents of our stomachs and bowels. Samy complemented us on improving our technique since the last bout but wisely cautioned us not to 'get big heads over it fucksticks'. He reminded us of his 'gangster' status and that he and his gang of other greasy haired 108 year old foaming at the mouth raving psychopath friends would 'fuck our asses up' and steal our gramophones, and our bicycles with giant front wheels and tiny rear wheels. Amy then emerged from the kitchen wild eyed and ranting about 'the haters' and accused us of being among their ranks. But when she found out how much we had been threatened to enjoy her 'food' she broke into an interpretive dance that involved smearing our excrement all over her body as an acceptance of our compliment. Oh look at the time! It was 5:36am two days after we had arrived. Samy promptly doubled our check, added a 36% tip which he then pocketed, and after a little more soft shoe from Amy we went merrily on our way as she lovingly screamed obscenities at us in way of a final farewell. Bravo Samy and Amy. Bravo.   „     —James K.     “   I have been looking FOREVER for a place like Amy's Baking Co. The place is simply perfect for my needs. You wouldn't believe how hard it is as a masochist to find a place that will give you a good ol slapping around. Samy and Amy were able to verbally abuse and berate me in creative ways I could never imagine; Amy even incorporated all sorts of meowing and hissing to keep it interesting. Minus one star because they forgot to tell me the safe word.   „     —Harrison W.     “   Absolutely horrible. And Amy had bitter, dead eyes. She consumes costumer's souls and pours all of her hate into her food, hence why it tastes so damn bad. I guess that's what happens when you marry for money...   „     —Reilly G.     “   The undercooked food loosened the stool impacted in my colon. Thanks, Amy's!   „     —Seymour G.     “   best food ever try the pizza best ever and owners are super nice and sweet   „     —Amy is the only one who writes something positive for her restaurant     “   Amy is such a sweetheart. After a wonderful meal there recently she told me not to bother leaving a tip. She then pulled a wad of ones out of her pocket and gave me a few of them. She is great.   „     —Unrealistic expectations Previous Quote | Next Quote

The Aftermath

Almost straight away after this was aired, Amy's Baking Company's Facebook page exploded. Like the mature, responsible, even-headed adults they are, they figured this was the perfect opportunity for an ALL-CAPS SHIT-FLINGING CONTEST. This went on for several hours, during which time this shit was spread all over Facebook.

The next day, they claimed their page was hacked.

The Madness About missing Pics

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  What the fuck am I reading?
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  He's going to call the Internet police.
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  Hey, at least she hates Reddit, she can't be all bad.
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  Racism is good for business.
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  Ressling?

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

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  Say it to my face fucker not online see what happens
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  Her cats are her "kids". No, really.
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  Lol, okay

Like a Phoenix From The... Nevermind

ABC temporarily closed its doors about a week ago at time of writing, but says it'll be re-opening on May 21st. Nope, they had to cancel their press conference because Fox threatened to sue their asses if they talked about Kitchen Nightmares. Then they got dropped by their PR firm, probably for the same reason Ramsay ditched them.

They held a job fair on May 19th where they hired 30 new crew members, and we can expect them all to be fired within a month.

See also

• Food
• Gordon Ramsay

External Links

• Their website
• Facebook
• Twitter
• ABC on Yelp. Tell them how much you love their food.

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