Retro

Degenerates on display

Ugly, inconvenient, uncomfortable

Retro is an irritating non-sexual fantasy found epidemically in fashion, music, architecture, and human behavior, in which reproducing an imaginary, glorified model of how life supposedly was in the past is perceived as better than creating something new. It is distinct from Nostalgia, which is merely an infantile and neurotic inability to let go of one’s own shitty experiences that somehow seem better than life in the present day. Almost always, a Retro approach to a particular aspect of culture is something imposed by corporations and media conglomerates, while nostalgia has more to do with one’s own personal psychological problems. It is made to seem cool through using ironic humor to both make fun of and get all weepy about the shitty way things used to be.

The good old days

For example, white people who grew up in the United States during the 1950s remember it as an incredibly boring time, bloated with idiotic rules and restrictions, in which it was impossible to have any fun whatsoever without being marched straight to the Principal’s office. (Negroes and other colored people have no history, so it is unknown how their lives were.) Nevertheless, twenty years later, the international Jewish media bosses realized that they could make a killing by pushing the 1950s as an innocent time of teenage fun and hi-jinks.

Sure enough, young people began to go all out in mimicking the attitudes and fashions of “Happy Days,” “American Graffiti,” and other Jew retro perspectives on a time gone by. Meanwhile, parents were also caught in their psychotic nostalgia, realizing the total inaccuracy of the retro portrayals, yet thinking back fondly of those times. A later version of this problem came with the popular but similarly inaccurate “That ‘70s Show.”

A long and sordid history

Constructed in 1868 (50 years after the telegraph was invented)

Retro crazes have been pervasive throughout human history. For example, the retrofags of today swoon over the ugly clothes of the 1970s, but had they been alive in the 1970s they would have been swooning over the craze for revived 1940s fashions that dominated the 1970s and scorning all the real styles of the 1970s on the grounds that they were popularist crap.

In Victorian times, English architects foresaw future lulz potential for confusing American tourists. They decided to troll these innocent travelers in posterity by building things that looked medieval, but weren't. The peak troll project was St Pancras Station in London, which to this day allows Britfags to fool foreigners into thinking that the steam engine must have been invented 500 years earlier than it really was.

Today's Steampunk twats are blissfully unaware that if they had actually been alive in late Victorian times, they would have been admirers of fashions dating from before the Renaissance, instead of gluing cogs onto silver-painted fucking water-pistols.

Speaking of the Renaissance, the Renaissance itself was a clusterfuck of retro, when ancient bits of Arabic math and Greek sculpture were imported to northern Europe for the first time. This made the medieval period suddenly look totally oldmeme and everyone went apeshit for all these newly-rediscovered old-fangled things instead that were actually better than the things they had now. Except for the whole buttsex-with-children thing. They edited that bit out.

Many fascist revolutions have been launched with the goal of restoring the nation to the way it was in a mythical “Golden Age.” Adolf Hitler’s national fantasy was a rather artistic variation on this theme. Imagine a pure race of strong men and fertile women, living in their rustic farmhouses and massive neo-classical buildings, wearing cute matching outfits, worshipping heathen Nordic gods, going hiking in the Alps, eating sausages. To bring back this happy era, it might have to get a little messy first. You there! Into the oven. Hop-la. There you go.

Hippie Dipshits

Retro enthusiasts are STILL concerned that this was a "BLATANT RIPOFF" of TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!

Another example is that of the Hippies. Everyone knows that the hippies of the late 1960s and early 1970s were some of the Laziest, Stupidest and Dirtiest people to walk the earth since Neanderthal (and that might be insulting to the Neanderthal). Unfortunately, unlike the Neanderthal, hippies haven't been wiped out by their far superior relatives --- the human race. Most hippies were violent, semi-retarded and often criminally insane. Older hippies who are still alive can usually be seen begging for a dollar at the corner liquor store. Yet again and again, the hippie lifestyle and aesthetic of the “Summer of Love” is promoted as a beautiful time of peace and love, health and freedom – the opposite of what it really was. Year after year, a teeming new cohort of dirt-children makes the Haight-Ashbury scene, looking for some free love, get high, babie, flower-power, vegans-but-smoke-cigarettes, share some lice, spread the ringworm, try some scabies. The insipid rock music of the hippie days yet again can be heard whining from the windows of high-pollution old Volkswagens.

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It's bizarre, but in 2007 people are trying to achieve these looks and sounds

If music be the food of love, turn it the fuck off and get a job

Inexplicably, this hairstyle has not been revived

The year: 2007

Eunice: Don’t you think the 1890s must have been grand, dear Brother? Calvin: Indeed I do, dear Sister.

Why is it that the cheeziest pop music of 40, 30, 20 years ago can constantly be heard in the second-hand emissions of one’s fellow subway-travelers’ iPods? Why is every new generation of young people "re-discovering" the pop tunes that drove you fucking nuts back when you were much younger? You have to ask yourself: Who is getting paid? Answer: Italians Jews, like this Scott Bradlee cunt.

On the other hand, why won’t they release the 1970s video archives of Soul Train, with host Don Cornelius? WHAT ARE THEY HIDING?

Retro is a phony aesthetic that is packaged, promoted and sold to the gullible, insecure consumers of a later time.

Repository of expensive shit and old-fashioned garbage

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  Check the prices on these old beaters. Six miles per gallon, by the way.
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  Retro fan-zine. This is where emo kids get their inspiration.
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  ZOMG it's the '80s again!!!11
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  Intelligence Qube for the Playstation. It wasn't very accurate at calculating Intelligence Quotient.
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  The 1960s shopping experience of tomorrow - ripe for revival. What, no takers?
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  The ideal home for the space age - wouldn't living there be hilariously ironic?
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  This is a fucking art gallery.
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  The only people who don't want this shit knocked down are the architects who built it
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  Behold the 90's! Certain things should just be left in the fucking era they belong in!
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  Anyone want to copy this outfit? No, of course not, you'd look like a cunt
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  Enormous and hideous, yet somehow totally impractical
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  An experimental form of psychological torture invented by the CIA.
• File:Windows desktop 'hot dog stand' theme.png
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  Mmmm...
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  A safe steam-fillable environment for wandering around wet and naked with soap in your eyes and water all over the floor
• Naturally comfortable
  Naturally comfortable
• THE hi-fi breakthrough of the 80s
  THE hi-fi breakthrough of the 80s
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• File:Radium suppositories.jpg
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• File:Rent-a-wig.jpg
• File:1970s plastic platform shoes.jpg

See also

• Hitler
• Holocaust Porn
• Old
• Retro Video Game Kids

External links

• Retro Porn Archive
• A website dedicated to retro stuff, where members can write shitty articles. Needs moar trolling
• Some retarded Britfag who actually wants to live in the 1940s, Britain's darkest decade

Featured article November 20, 2007
Preceded by Broadcaster	Retro	Succeeded by Anuebunnie

Featured article December 5, 2007
Preceded by Dr4g0nK1d	Retro	Succeeded by Iain Hall