Aquaman

He's not dead, motherfuckers.

I seriously hope you guys don't do this

Aquaman is without a doubt one of the most pathetic superheroes ever created. His basic abilities include the power to talk to fish and other deep-sea creatures such as whales and octopuses, superhuman strength, and the ability to survive in both water and land. He is also one of the founding members of the Just-Ass League, and he has numerous different origin stories and expansions of skills, such as manipulating the world's oceans like Moses or being able to speak ANY language. This just means he's continually being left on the cutting room floor since the writers don't know what the fuck to do with him. However, jokes about Aquaman's general uselessness have given him a longer-lasting career than he would have had otherwise, proving that Haters do indeed make one famous.

Although most agree, he would have been better off forgotten.

History

What /b/tards think Aquaman looks like

Originally created in 1941 and only featured in back-up stories in anthology titles like More Fun Comics, Aquaman wouldn’t actually get his own (swiftly cancelled) title until the mid-60’s and didn’t make the cover of a single comic book for the first 20 years of his existence. That's right, his first appearance was as a B-side for someone else's better, and more interesting story.

However, because he was featured on Super Friends and wasn’t a character created especially for the show like Apache Chief or Black Vulcan, an entire generation of kids were brainwashed into thinking he was an A-list character, saving him from rotting in obscurity along with other lame D-listers like Red Tornado and Hourman. Never mind that the reason he stood out so much on the show was because he was completely useless in any situation that didn’t involve water, if people remember something from their childhoods, they never want to forget it, and thus, comics fans have had to put up with forced attempts to keep this character relevant for the past 50 years since he’s one of the few characters besides Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman that Joe Sixpack can name.

Powers

• He has secks with fish
• Can talk to sharks
• Can manipulate water
• Can be useless
• Can be boring
• Can swim better than you
• Can never have sex with any wimmin
• Can have sex with sea men
• Can kill people for having secks with the fish he planed to have secks with
• Can fuck your mother without feeling as much of a sick fuck
• Who cares?
• No really, who cares?

Marvel/DC fanboy drama

Aquaman getting ready to fuck your shit up

Funny how a guy with elf ears, Bette Davis eyebrows and wings on his feet wearing nothing but a speedo is a thousand times more badass than Aquaman.

One of the funniest things about Aquaman is that whenever DC and Marvel fans fight over important matters such as which company is better, DC fans praise Aquaman for being more well-known than Marvel’s resident water rat Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner, who they call a rip-off of Aquaman. Never mind that Sub-Mariner debuted in 1939 and was popular enough to graduate into his own comic several months before Aquaman was even created, DC fans will cling to this stupid bullshit with a fervor that makes Jesus Freaks at their abortion clinic bombing-est seem sane. You’d think a bunch of people obsessed with dates, trivia and canon wouldn’t do this, but I digress.

What’s even lulzier than that is that not only does Sub-Mariner pre-date Aquaman, he was infinitely more badass than Aquaman ever was and will be. He was the first real angsty, badass anti-hero of comics who set the standard all must be judged by. He wasn’t a superhero, he was a human-fishperson hybrid freak who was sent to destroy all humans and ripped out divers’ oxygen supply hoses, beat the shit out of New York mayor Fiorello LaGuardia, set animals loose from zoos, had the first fight with another hero in comics history and destroyed New York’s skyscrapers with a tidal wave. Then he decided to fight Nazis after a hot policewoman promised to fuck him (for real) and all was forgiven.

In other words, he was the greatest comic book “hero” ever. It also helped that Sub-Mariner artist Bill Everett was one of the few who could actually draw in an era when pretty much every comics artist who wasn’t Will Eisner, Jack Cole or Lou Fine made Chris-chan look like the greatest cartoonist in the world by comparison.

TL;DR: Even if Aquaman had come first, Sub-Mariner would have still blown him out of the water.

Attempts to be edgy

A Straight Negro from under the Sea

Deep down, you always knew he was a filthy hippie.

Most attempts to make Aquaman not suck have been blatant rip-offs of the Sub-Mariner (like making him royalty and retconning it in that Aquaman hated humans at first). However, this is understandable given that previous attempts to make Aquaman have been far more retarded, if not worse. Here, we list the two WORST examples:

In 1977, the writers retconned a shitty secondary villain called Black Manta by actually making him black. The writers attempted to create a pity party for this evil psychopath by claiming he was oppressed by the white man and committed his crimes in order to build a paradise for his fellow negroes under the sea. Unfortunately, the writers can't retcon this retarded, racist idea by making him white, or else SJWs will complain, despite the fact that they already refer to him as a racist character. Even worse, because he was also on Super Friends, this previously minor villain has become too iconic to be forgotten and writers since have tried to push him as Aquaman’s archenemy. So they’re stuck with him.

In 1994, Aquaman had a very divisive redesign where his hand eaten by piranha fish he couldn't control, and he ended up forking his stump. Eventually, he got a new hand—made up of solidified running water. He also he ended up growing long hair, a beard and going around with his shirt off while wearing leather pants. This was supposed to make him seem "darker". Also his son got murdered and his grief-stricken wife Mera blamed him for not saving the kid and has since become the series main villain. Yeah, the whole series was like Game of Thrones, only with added boredom.

We would tell you whether any of the other Aquaman comics are as cringe inducing, but we don't know: nobody bothered to read the new comics.

The Entourage Incident

People actually couldn't tell this was from a show

In 2006, the TV show Entourage had a subplot about James Cameron making an Aquaman movie. Some troll spammed pictures of it all over the internet saying it was real, and with James Cameron fanboys not exactly being known for their critical thinking skills as would be proven in a few more years, a bunch of people fell for it, with one irl reporter actually saying it was the highest grossing film of all time and that he saw it, and his stupidity ended up getting reported as fact on CNBC. [1]

This led to the makers of the show really putting an ad for the film in Variety magazine as a joke, which further confused idiots.

"OMG U GAIZ! It must be legit!!!"

All in all, it was the coolest thing ever associated with Aquaman.

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See Also

• Waterboarding
• Aquaphilia
• Michael Phelps

Aquaman is part of a series on Comic Books

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