Hockey

A typical Hockey circlejerk.

How To Win A Fight In Hockey

Hockey, or Thugs On Ice is a recognized, contact sport played on a rock hard sheet of ice while using shoes with blades strapped on the bottom to glide at high speeds. The game is much like Capture The Flag, in that each team takes turns trying to run the "flag" (in hockey's case, a thick, hard disc made of vulcanized rubber) into the opposing team's zone, (in this case "the net"), without losing consciousness or teeth.

Though the National Hockey League (NHL) is played in both Canada and America, every player is either Canadian, Swedish, or from some north/eastern European country (even the black one). It should be noted that there are as many Norwegian players in the League as there are girls on the internet. This is possibly due to the fact that Norwegians are more concerned with burning down churches or shooting up young leftards for teh lulz. Hockey is also Canada's national pastime, (and -as such- is the leading cause of Canadians being called "Hockey Pucks").

Meanwhile, in America (except for the Northeastern and Northern Midwest states), hockey is the official sport of shit nobody cares about. This was demonstrated all too effectively during the strike-canceled season of a year nobody can remember when nobody noticed that nobody was playing or reporting about hockey. This season will likely be a repeat, as Gary Bettman is a Jew.

In Actuality

How hockey is really played.

Hockey players are noted yaoi fetishists.

Hockey isn't a sport, it's a combination of three activities. The first being ice skating, second being golf and third being a fist fight (unless you are Cindy Crosby, then it is a punch to the taint). Players skate while using a golf club-like device (called a stick) to control the motion of the puck into the opposing team's goal, or a spectator's teeth.

The Rules of Hockey

An "Official"

hehe

• Referees wear striped shirts and jump really high. Try not to beat them while in a fight.
• Don't fake an injury/tripping too often, you'll be called a faggot.
• After each call, a face-off will be had at any 9 locations on the "rink".
• Goalies should be rammed into head-first at any given opportunity. If you knock them into the "cage", extra points are awarded to your team. If you hit Cryan Miller, he will call you a gutless bag of shit postgame. Ram him again.
• Most games end in something called "Sudden Death", where the score continues, and will end, 0-0.
• Helmets are to be worn at all times. Should you get a razor-sharp skate to the head, it will cushion the blow.

The game itself has 3 periods, each lasting a regulated twenty minutes. Should a stalemate be reached, Overtime will commence. Should a stalemate continue, a shootout will take place.

Power Plays occur when a team has more players than the opposition, either due to a Jew or not having a goalie, often seen in Sudden Death.

The Teams

The league's history is known for its "Original Six" era from 1942 (when the New York Americans folded) to 1967, when the league suddenly shat out a shit-ton of teams (this is known as the Expansion). They got 4 more teams when the WHA and NHL decided to merge in 1979. Original Six teams are marked in bold while former WHA teams are marked in italics.

• New Jersey Devils - They started life as the Kansas City Scouts in 1974. They then became the Colorado Rockies in 1976, and stayed there until 1982, when they finally became the New Jeresy Devils. They are a decent team who have only missed the playoffs 3 times since 1988. Before this, the team was so shitty that it was called a "Mickey Mouse Organization" by none other than Wayne Gretzky himself. Their goalie, Martin Brodeur, is considered to be the best goalie EVAR, as he holds a shit ton of career records. Oh, and they hate the Rangers.
• New York Rangers - Their nickname is the Blueshirts (moar leik BlueSHITS, amirite?), which comes from the fact that their outfits are blue. Before their last cup win in 1994, they hadn't won a Stanley Cup since 1940. This 53-year drought is still the longest in league history. Famous players include Sean Avery (formerly the league's biggest IRL troll), Mark Messier (helped them win in '94), and goalie Henrik Lundqvist, who is a notorious sex god. Since their team is based in Jew York, most people would expect the management to be greedy and underpay their players. However, they have been OVERpaying their players recently, even if they're retarded shitheads like Scott Gomez.
• New York Islanders - New York's OTHER team. Basically the New York Mets of the NHL. Their fans and players alike are butthurt at the fact that the Rangers are and will forever be more popular and better than them at hockey. Their arena is also the shittiest in the league. The only thing notable about them is their four straight Stanley Cup wins from 1980-1983.
• Philadelphia Flyers - They are notorious for punching their way to the Stanley Cup in the 1970s, which is when they were known as the Broad Street Bullies. It worked twice (in '74 and '75) and they were the first Expansion team to win a Stanley Cup as a result. Their hatred of Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins is well-known.
• Pittsburgh Penguins - Cindy Crosby the Stagediver provides a very legitimate reason to hate them. Other famous players include Evgeni Malkin, Mario Lemieux, and Jaromir Jagr, who is currently playing for the Bruins.
• Boston Bruins - First NHL team in America. They have more Stanley Cup wins (6) than any other US team in the league (except for the Detroit Red Wings, who have 11). They also have Zdeno Chara, who at 6'9" (2.06 meters) is tallest guy to ever play in the league, and will most likely fucking kill you if you fuck with him. They have an EXTREME rivalry with the Montreal Canadiens which is well-documented. During the 2013 playoffs, they swept the Pitssburgh Penguins only to fail hard to the Chicago Blackhawks.
• Buffalo Sabres - Currently an all around shitty team. Everytime they try to change their logo and/or outfit, it turns out with horrific results. They have been to the Finals in 1975 and 1999, losing both of them to the Philadelphia Flyers and the Dallas Stars respectively. The 1999 Finals were especially controversial, so mentioning it to a Sabres fan will result in massive butthurt.
• Ottawa Senators - They were shitty when they first started in the 1992-1993 season (they [[Fail|only won 10 out of 84 games), but they later became a regular sight in the Playoffs. Their fans hate Dany Heatley. They like (literally) beating the shit out of the Buffalo Sabres.
• Toronto Maple Leafs - They're the team who hasn't won a Stanley Cup in the longest time. Their last one was in 1967. Reminding this to them will result in a generous amount of butthurt. Bonus points if you mention the 1993 Clarence Campbell Conference Finals. Especially the game 6 winning goal. But seriously, they are the biggest failures in the sport. There are 11 teams who have never won a Stanley at all. As a result, they are the most hated team in Canada, especially in their rival city Montreal. After many years, they finally made it to the playoffs in 2013, where they took the Boston Bruins to Game 7 where they were leading 4-1. That is, until the Broons scored three goals in the last 9 minutes of the third period, tying the game and scoring in overtime to win (No srsly). Despite all this, they are one of the most valuable franchises in the league.
• Winnipeg Jets - Formerly the Atlanta Thrashers, who never even won a playoff game as they were swept by the New York Rangers in their only Playoff appearance in 2007. They are not to be confused with the old Winnipeg Jets who formed in 1972 as a WHA team, joined the NHL in 1979, and became the Phoenix Coyotes in 1996 (which is why the Phoenix Coyotes are italicized on this list and not the new Winnipeg Jets.) That's right, the NHL decided to revive the franchise by taking the Thrashers instead of the Coyotes and moving them to Winnipeg. The fact that the league is hellbent on keeping them in Phoenix may have something to do with it. This has resulted in massive butthurt by fans of the old Jets. Oh, and they're in the Southeast Division of the league.
• Carolina Hurricanes - Originally the Hartford Whalers, a WHA team who became the Carolina Hurricanes in 1997. They were shitty at first (like most NHL teams in the South), but won the Stanley Cup in 2006, which turned things around.
• Florida Panthers - Not much to say about them, except that in 1996, fans were littering their arena with plastic rats. Otherwise very irrelevant.
• Tampa Bay Lightning - Their GM Steve Yzerman is notorious for having a penchant for eating babies. They also raised the bar for trying too hard by installing Tesla coils in their arena. Also the Southernmost team to win the Cup (2004).
• Washington Capitals - Successful in the regular season, but they eventually lose Almost EVERY SINGLE TIME they make it to the Playoffs. In 1998, they went to the Stanley Cup finals, only to be swept by the Detroit Red Wings. Their star player is Alexander Ovechkin, who is the only player in the league capable of rivaling [[|Cindy Crosby|Sidney Crosby]] in terms of faggotry. This is exemplified by the fact that he still lives with his parents and the fact that he is best friends with DJ Pauly D. They Finally won a title in 2018 over Vegas.
• Chicago Blackhawks - Won the Stanley Cup in 1961 and didn't win it again until 2010. This drought was apparently caused by an incompetent owner. When he died, fans booed when asked for a moment of silence. They also won it AGAIN in 2013, and then AGAIN in 2015, making them the current Stanley Cup champions. Their stadium (United Center) is nicknamed "The Madhouse on Madison" due to the fact that their fans are so loud, you can hear them WAY outside of the venue. They have a gigantic, vein-throbbing rivalry with the Detroit Red Wings. They also have smaller rivalries with the Vancouver Canucks and the St. Louis Blues. (and to a lesser extent, the LA Kings)
• Columbus Blue Jackets - The worst team in the NHL for 2 years in a row. Even bigger failures than Toronto (at least the Leafs made the Playoffs in 2013). Also just traded their only All-Star, Rick Nash, to the New York Rangers. And to top it off, their city was supposed to host a Winter Classic, but couldn't due to the 2012-2013 lockout.
• Detroit Red Wings - They are a consistently good team (they've always been making it to the Playoffs for the past 22 years) and, therefore, are hated outside of Detroit. One of the most dominant of the American-based teams. It's worth noting that their fans like throwing octopi onto the ice (fans can be notoriously weird and dumb).
• Nashville Predators - A team that hardly anyone cares about, especially if those people are corporate sponsors. It's a shame, because their defense-oriented strategy is actually good at winning games, even if it isn't exactly exciting gameplay.
• St. Louis Blues - Created in 1967, they are the oldest franchise to have never won a Stanley Cup. Just be glad that the team never wore THESE abominations or had a blue cat for a mascot. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, THEY HAVE A BLUE POLAR BEAR NOW!.
• Calgary Flames - Formerly the Atlanta Flames (1972-1980). Known for being Lanny McDonald's team (a Hall of Famer who helped them win the Cup in 1989, he also had a sweet stache). In the mid to late 80s, they fought against their rivals, the Edmonton Oilers, for the Stanley Cup, with Edmonton kicking their asses most of the time. There was also a potential Cup-winning goal in 2004, which wasn't counted as a goal. Mentioning this to a Flames fan will, of course, result in butthurt.
• Colorado Avalanche - Formerly the Quebec Nordiques of the WHA, moved to Colorado in 1995. They won the Stanley Cup in their very first season in Colorado and won it again in 2001. As the Nordiques, they had heated rivalries with the Buffalo Sabres and the Montreal Canadiens.
• Edmonton Oilers - The last surviving WHA team to remain in its original city. Wayne Gretzky (AKA The Great One, one of the most famous and greatest hockey players EVAR) is said have had his best years on this team. Seriously, he helped the team become an unstoppable death machine starting in the mid-80s. They then won 5 Stanley Cups in 7 years. ('84, '85, '87, '88, '90) In 1986, their goalie accidentally kicked the puck into their own net, giving the Calgary Flames the chance to go to the Stanley Cup who then lost to the Montreal Canadiens in just five games. Oh, and Gretzky was traded in the 1988 off-season. Their empire later crumbled in the 90s, and became irrelevant ever since.
• Minnesota Wild - Formed in 1997 as an apology to Minnesota for taking the North Stars and moving them to Dallas in 1993. The Wild didn't start playing in the NHL until 2000. It took them nine years to get a permanent captain, but at the same time they are undefeated against the Edmonton Oilers at home and have never lost a home opener.
• Vancouver Canucks - Similar to the Toronto Maple Leafs, except that they haven't even won a Stanley Cup AT ALL since they joined the league in 1970. Their fans riot whenever they lose a Stanley Cup Final. They did it in 1994 and 2011. (Note that these riots only happen in Canada because that's where hockey is serious business) They are now slowly getting more hated than the Maple Leafs in Canada. Also had the "Flying V" jersey from 1978 to 1985 (It is considered by many to be one of the worst uniforms in NHL history).
• Anaheim Ducks - Formed in 1993 by the Walt Disney Company (and Gretzky thought that the DEVILS were a Mickey Mouse Organization) and were known as the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim until 2006, when they were renamed the Anaheim Ducks. The team is a real-life version of the team in the popular 1992 Disney movie The Mighty Ducks. They are also the first Californian team to win the Cup (2007), and once the home of Paul Kariya, the only Asian to ever play hockey.
• Dallas Stars - formerly the Minnesota North Stars, who started in 1967 (part of the Expansion) and moved to Dallas in 1993. Even though hockey is moar popular in Minnesota than in Dallas, the Stars have surprisingly thrived in the latter city, having won the Cup in 1999 (although the Cup-winning goal is notoriously controversial, especially in Buffalo).
• Los Angeles Kings - Created in 1967 as part of the Expansion, they acquired Wayne Gretzky from the Edmonton Oilers. This caused the Canadian government and public alike to go apeshit, although the move probably saved the team from bankruptcy. They eventually won the Cup in 2012 and again in 2014.
• Phoenix Coyotes - Formerly the old WHA Winnepeg Jets (1972-1996). They were recently in discussion for relocation, sue to the team being bankrupt. However, an agreement was reached where they will stay in Phoenix (or Glendale to be exact), and they will eventually be renamed the Arizona Coyotes. Other than the fact that they used to be the Winnepeg Jets, no one cares about them.
• San Jose Sharks - AKA Washington Capitals 2: Electric Boogaloo. Noted for being a pretty good team during the regular season, only to choke on their own shit during the playoffs. They did this in 2010, 2011 and pulling off one of the worst chokes in sports history in 2014.
• Montreal Canadiens - AKA the Habs. They're actually older than the NHL itself. They hate both the Toronto Maple Leafs AND the Boston Bruins (especially Zdeno Chara). They are the last Canadian team to win the cup (1993). They have won 24 championships, more than anyone else in the league (U mad, Boston and Toronto?).
• Vegas Golden Knights: The newest expansion team that made the Stanley cup finals in their first season. The had a depute with the U.S. Army over the team name that got resolved generating lulz.

Fun Moments in Hockey History

Half-time Juggling/Fighting act

Typical fans start young

• Alexei Cherepanov collapsing on the bench, Died

• Ulf Samuelson high sticking Pierre Mondou, Mondou died

• Trent McCleary Puck to throat, died

• Clint Malarchuk Skate blade to throat, died[1]

• Kevin Stevens getting knocked unconscious mid-air and hitting the ice face first, coma but recovered[2]

• Berard taking a puck in the eye, nearly went blind.

• Pat Stapleton, Borge Salming, faces skated on, survived

	“	Fuck you asshole, have a fist full of CANADIAN FURY!	„
	—A Toronto Mapleleaf

Did you say Furry?

Sean Avery teaches fans how to properly goal.

Fun For the Fans Too: Part 1

Fun For the Fans Too: Part 2

Blood and Gore: Part 1

Blood and Gore: Part 2

Sportsmanship

Everyone fall on him

How it's played: 3 fights in a row

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Gallery

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See Also

• Bulletball - A table hockey like sport, but no equipment is used aside from a ball.
• Canada
• Cindy Crosby - Probably the greatest faggiest ever
• Golf - Not a sport, but relevant
• Handegg - Another Americanized sport, often called Football.
• Michigan- Where people fap to hockey.
• Soccer - Similar to hockey, but no sticks are used and the playing field is made of grass.
• Windsor - Every Hockey player ever is from there. That's Minnesota or Burnaby, dumbfuck.

External Links

• TOW's take on Hockey
• Plenty of easily trollable idiots here
• Some pretty lol moments in Hockey
• More lulzy moments

Featured article June 26 & 27, 2013
Preceded by Paula Deen	Hockey	Succeeded by Buttsecks