Metroid

Every Metroidtard's wetdream of 100% COMPLEESHUN.

Metroid is Nintendo's response to Halo. It borrows several things from Microsoft's original idea and design, but it improves on a few things, such as featuring a female main character. In this game series, you get to be totally fucking lost in a really creepy dungeon in outer space. Gameplay involves backtracking through surreal levels, followed by more backtracking, and even more, all the while fighting off bizarre monsters that apparently have nothing better to do than crawl/fly around in the same preordained pattern for eternity. You also start to see a very annoying pattern in which you start the game off in what seems like it could be a suit of total win, but one slight bump on the head causes you to lose every--fucking--ability. Thankfully, this is mostly present in the Prime series, which even fewer people play than the other ones. You must then spend 50 painful hours recovering said abilities, so that you can use 3 of them on the final boss. Interestingly, the first game in the series, Metroid, single-handedly emasculated an entire generation of gamers by showing them at the end of the game that the cool space bounty hunter guy they were playing as was actually a fucking sexywoman.

The Games

Metroid

The graphics capabilities of the 8-bit Nintendo could make any chick look like Janet Reno.

Metroid was Nintendo's first attempt to copy Halo, unfortunately the NES didn't have the same graphical capabilities as the XBOX, so it was slightly reduced. It was released in the 1980s, which meant it didn't have a battery save function, so you had to write down a password consisting of Over 9000 characters. Because the game didn't include a map and was altogether relatively non-linear, basement-dwellers across the world thought the game was OMG LIEK SO INNOVATIVE!!!111oneoneone and everybody loved it. Basically in this game, you play as Samus Aran and you start out with the power beam that has a range of about negative six feet or something. You must then transverse the oh-so-creepy landscape in search of watered-down upgrades, so you can kill some midget dragon , a fat-ass lard-lizard (probably inspired by the final boss of Halo), and a big brain floating in a tank that has a hard-on for anything (and I mean anything). That’s it. That’s the whole game. You risk your life while simultaneously disrupting the ecosystem on Zebes to kill some brain that nobody else in the galaxy gives a shit about. It also has the shittiest ending ever by revealing you're a female, even though in the manual, it said you were a man. Apparently Samus was a shemale at the time, and had a sex change shortly after the game ended. (Fun fact: Japanese pronouns are gender-neutral, meaning the guys who wrote the manual actually didn't fuck up the translation.)

Metroid 2: Return of Samus

Metroid 2: Return of Samus being played on the Game Boy. No wonder nobody played this shit.

Nobody played this game because it was exclusively for the Game Boy, which meant it sucked. Therefore, it is unknown what happens in this game, even to the developers.

The game is, however, good for a few things. If you ever want to lose your interest in the Metroid series, just play this game, and you’ll vow to yourself never to play another Metroid game ever again. The game cartridge itself is good for anal/vaginal insertion, too. That’s about it; otherwise, this game fails.

Nintendorks were later able to put together a story through various forms of fan-fiction. It's about killing off all the Metroids according to the N-dorkoffs. But during the trip Samus gets very lonely on the planet, and decides to leave one Metroid alive as her sex-slave.

Super Metroid

The Mother Brain must get awfully lonely, just sitting there waiting for shit to happen...

Supposedly the third in the franchise, Super Metroid scared the shit out of people who played it. Some argue that this is the best game in the series. Samus's Metroid sex-slave bitch apparently escaped thanks to Ridley (who somehow got cloned and made HUEG) and after that nothing is known because it scared people so badly. Strange, because the pinnacle of "freaky" in that game is going through the wrecked ship area with the spooky ghosts and shit. Then before reaching Tourian to fight mother brain the Metroid you tried to rescue has grown large enough to suck you off literally and you can't escape, then does so later in a sacrifice to help you escape. I suppose when all there was to compare it to back then was Kirby and Sonic, Super Metroid would in fact make people shit their pants.

Metroid Fusion

Metroid Fusion was the only Metroid game released for the Game Boy Advance, thank God. (This is not including Metroid: Zero Mission, which was little more than a remake of the original Metroid. Wait, Nintendo repackaged old material with slightly updated graphics for the sole sake of capitalizing financially on a relatively popular franchise? Who could have seen that coming?) Also contained an unlockable gallery of Samus for fapping. The enemies in this game are called X parasites that mimic the host they infect which are exactly what Chris Jericho had in mind that you all are, gelatinous parasites and delinquents. You essentially didn’t have to think in Fusion, because there was this gay robot that told you exactly where to go and shit. Mix that with the fact that you had near-constant access to a very detailed map, and you have one easy, easy game (not to mention shitty) right up until you are hit with the classic time bomb escape sequence with one major difference, YOU GET TO FIGHT A DANGEROUS ENEMY AND WATCH THE TIMER RUN OUT RIGHT AS YOU KILL IT!!!

Metroid Prime

Metroid Prime is notable for being the first T-rated game Nintendo evar made. With the Nintendo GameBox's "new" 3D capabilites, Nintendo tried to re-invent the entire series by making it more like it's original inspiration, Halo. It features a "new" first person view, which was "new" for Nintendo at the time. The console itself was even modeled and NAMED after the inspiration's home console, so you KNOW that Nintendo was taking shit seriously now. The Nintendorks say in this one you explore a lot, do a lot of back tracking, and do the same shit you did in Super Metroid. This time though, instead of destroying four things, you have to destroy a race, the Space Pirates. So imagine a 3D Super Metroid in which you are constantly killing 3D space pirates. According to the N-dorks it's the greatest thing since Ocarina of Time because it's Super Metroid 3D! The whole game is collecting shitty upgrades.

Supposedly pretty good, but it was for the GameCube, so nobody in the world actually knows if it was any good because nobody bought a fucking GameCube. Since this game, Halofags have been claiming that Metroid Prime is a rip-off of it, while they do not understand that Metroid came out in 1985.

Metroid Prime 2: Echoes

Prime 2 is actually an expansion back onto the first one. The only difference is the new beams which use fucking ammo. The only good beam shoots for around 10 seconds before running out. Oh and Nintendo had the really creative idea of bringing back the screw attack and much more shit nobody cares about

Metroid Prime: Hunters

Metroid Prime: Hunters is only fun when playing people online, but even then it sucks because at least 100% of the players cheat so in the end nobody can kill anybody. Not only this but the controls are terrible; Nintendo lost a lot of money since the Cube sucked ass, so they hired monkeys to program the controls. Thus, they sucked. Trying set up a match takes a few years as well, which is why the game is still at the top charts of Nintendo WiFi activity.

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption

This game was for the Wii, which was basically all that the Kinekt does to the 360 but to a GameCube instead, meaning this time you can actually shoot where you want, which is a feature no game has ever done before. Basically it was the same game as Prime 1 and 2 but with motion controls that don't work, only this one was more boring. She can use radioactive blue crap to increase her power level, but using it for too long makes her die of both cancer and AIDS. The game was developed by combining Super Metroid with Halo, thus creating a massive pile of shit.

Called "ZOMG UNIQUE!11!" by fantards because it's the only game in the Prime series to feature other hunters (nobody counts Hunters because it fails). You team up with an alien eskimo who can make shit freeze on command, a huge cyborg dude you need to hit in the crotch to damage him, and Samus's freaky, shapeshifting lesbian lover. You pwn them all in the end because they cheated on you with your dark twin.

Also introduces Metroid's answer to Admiral James T. Kirk, otherwise known as Badass Bush, who in every message to Samus sounds less like he's on serious galaxy-saving business and more like he wants to get inside her pantsuit at the first opportunity.

Metroid: Other M

Ridley is now a chibi furfag in this game

What do you do with a decent game formula that you've been building up for nearly 25 years? You introduce the complete opposite of said formula in a single game release. Instead of being on your own doing your own thing, Samus now gets to be the teams bitch and clean up the massive amounts of fail on the ship. This would be an easy thing to do since you have all of your power ups at the start of the game, but your commander, Adam Malkovich, likes to piss you off and tells you that you cannot use your arsenal unless given orders to do so. She also tends to baw a lot more especially when she goes into her PTSD Clarinet Boy episodes. They didn't even have the decency to have the black guy die first.

This is why the wii needs High Def

If this isn't enough to drive you to the point of insanity, then the controls will. Yoshio Sakamoto thought it was hilarious not to include the nunchuck attachment in the control scheme because he was "aiming for a more traditional gameplay style". This was a pretty cool idea because 3 dimensional movement is best executed with a D-pad and one jump button and not being able to move while in first person. They also added fixed camera angles so you can not know where the fuck you are at all times. This game also has an intricate combat system where you cannot kill most enemies unless you have a fully charged beam, beat the fucker into the dirt, and point blank him in the face. When you're not in first person mode it also auto aims your beam which makes the game not challenging whatsoever. Another lulzworthy addition is "investigation" mode where you literally stand still in first person mode and look in every direction until you can lock on to a pixel on the screen. Oh and instead of collecting heath and missiles in this one, you can regenerate it on the fly

Samus was the biggest tool used to troll fanboys. Team Ninja, using their brilliant wapanese minds, decided to, according to the whiny SJW fanbase, make her an “oversensitive, overdramatic princess that “always” needs all of the strong men to save her”, such as when she's “scared of a huge lizard thing she's pwned at least 100 times in the past” (at most she just freezes up but still kicks Ridley’s ass). Combine this with a shitty generic animu voice and you got a “badass lady turned in to a shitty generic anime princess”, never mind the fact that Samus like most of the main Nintendo PCs was just an avatar of the player with no real personality in other games, with any actual personality being in the Metroid Manga, which is what Other M is based off of, but don’t bring this up to the crazy SJW fans or else they will flame the shit out of you.

The scene Metroid fanboys simultaneously BAWWWWed to.

As result of the games failure /v/ promptly went into shitstorm mode and made at least 100 threads per day bitching about the game, even though half of them hadn't even played it yet. This did however spawn a rather lulzworthy macro dubbed "Emotional Samus".

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Metroid Prime: Federation Force

The year was 2015. The fanboys had been patiently waiting for a new Metroid Game for five years. Then - the moment of truth - Nintendo anounced a new game at E3 2015. However, the fanboys' cheers of joy quickly faded into stunned silence. Metroid Prime Federation Force, which was to be released in 2016. The game was not to include the Nintendo's favorite fapbait Samus, but was instead to focus on a bunch of Federation Marines doing a bunch of shooting and shit in a format that resembles that of Call of Duty. Despite not being released yet, the game instantly garnered the unbridled nerd rage of a thousand screaming virgins.

Fun Fact: Upon doing a Google search for "Metroid Prime: Federation Force", one of the first results one will see is a change.org petition to get Nintendo to "cancel the game".

Weapons and Equipment

Along your adventure you will acquire shit tons of weapons and items, only to lose them in the next game.

Suits
Clunky pieces of metal glued together that fails to protect you from diseases, over-sized flies and power-up losses.

• Power suit- What you start out with in most games. It is made out of sheet aluminum that fails to protect you from jack shit.
• Varia Suit- Usually the second suit you get. Has HUEG shoulders and makes you look like an NFL lineman. Oh it also protects you from acid and gives you more protection
• Gravity Suit- Despite having no change in the varia suits appearance (other then it's fucking purple now), this suit protects you from lava while somehow giving you the ability to move freely in liquid.
• Phazon suit- Makes you immune to leukemia in Metroid Prime, but not the orange kind.
• Dark suit- limits the amount of toxin in dark aether. Basically the equivalent of saging a thead.
• Light suit- Cures the cancer.
• P.E.D- Play russian-roulette with your body. You can either do massive amounts of pwn with this suit, or you can OD.
• Fusion Suit- Cheap Federation knock off of your old power suit after you got a parasite in your old air-tight shielded suit. If a bug lands on you, you take at least 100 damage.
• Zero Suit- Under all your shitty, item losing armor is your shitty skin tight latex suit. Only used to increase Samus's sex appeal.

Items and abilities
Shit tons of suit add-ons, each new one makes the last one worthless. Do not look for these at your local REI.

• Morphball (or mari-mari for weeaboos)- A suit upgrade that allows it to roll up into a ball so you can explore OBVIOUSLY PLACED TUBES.
• Spring Ball- Allows you to jump in morphball mode. Bombs however allow you to jump infinite hight so it's a stupid addition.
• Boost Ball- Gives a speed boost to the morphball so you can BMX your way up OBVIOUSLY PLACED HALF-PIPES.
• Spider Ball- Somehow gives your morphball the ability to roll up rock walls and ceilings in Metroid 2. They hindered it more realistically in the Primes so you could only climb OBVIOUSLY PLACED MAGNETIC RAILS.
• Bombs- Drop them in morphball mode. PROTIP:If you ever get stuck in a metroid game, just bomb the shit out of everything to find a way out.
• Power Bomb- Blows everything the fuck up.
• Power Grip- Acquire the ability to grab a ledge.
• Speed Booster- Run at super sonic speeds and dead-weight bash your way through enemies walls and other shit. If you're a skilled player, you can shinespark, turning you into a living projectile.
• High-jump boots- In case you didn't understand the name, you can jump higher with these boots. Completely useless as you can just wall jump instead.
• Grapple Beam- Grabs grapple points, items and in metroid prime 3 you could piss off space pirates with it.
• Space Jump- Completely defeats the purpose of grapple beam, high-jump boots, power grip etc. as you can jump infinite amounts of times in mid air with this weapon. Don't try this at home or else the centrifugal force with pwn you.
• Screw Attack- A fitting name as this completely screws over anything you touch. This weapon will kill anything if you jump making all the weapons you've collected so far look like shit.
• Concentration- New and fantastic addition to Other M. As the name suggests, in this mode you can think really fucking hard to yourself and regenerate missiles and health.
• Overblast- Goomba stomp your enemies with a fully charged beam and turn their brain into slurry.
• Lethal Strike- Insta-kill enemies by either roundhouse kicking, brain stem smashing, suplexing, decapitating, or dead weight chucking their ass.
• Sense Move- Dodge attacks and beams by having a seizure.

Missiles
Projectiles that suck ass because your beam weapons are better.

• Missiles- Used to open doors and bosses. Other then that, pretty useless.
• Super Missiles- BIGGER MISSILES
• Seaker Missiles- Used only in Other M, prime 2 and 3. You could lock on to 5 targets at once an- n/m you'll never use it.
• Ice missiles-Since your suit in fusion didn't include a space heater, you couldn't use ice beam. Instead your missiles got nerfed.
• Diffusion Missiles- Made your missiles make bigger booms.

Lazorz
Same old beams that are reused in all metroid games, but sometimes new weapons do come out that don't have striking similarities to said beams.

• Long Beam- Yes, a beam that shoots further. That's all it is.
• Charge Beam- allows you to CHARGE YOUR LAZORS AND SHOOP DA WHOOP.
• Wave Beam- Shoots through walls and will electrocute enemies in prime.
• Ice Beam- Allows you to freeze croissant shaped bugs and use them as a platform. Also you need this shit to kill metroids. The power beam works best on metroids.
• Spazer Beam- Stretches your beam wider.
• Plasma Beam- Pretty much makes the game not challenging anymore. In prime, it also lit enemies on fire and disintegrated them.
• Hyper Beam- Last beam in Super Metroid that you got to kill Mother Brain in exchange of essentially the death of your "child".
• Light Beam- Prime 2's equivalent of plasma beam
• Dark Beam- Prime 2's equivalent of ice beam, but shittier as it doesn't freeze pretty much everything
• Annihilator Beam- Does what the name of it says only you'll never use it due to the retarded ammo system. Your ammo will last for no more than 10 seconds.
• Nova Beam-Original beam weapon that can shoot though walls.

Metroid Prime Hunters weapons
Each character has their affinity weapon in which they can do more with then other players.

Weavel

• Battle Hammer-Unless you're playing as Weavel, this weapon is shit. Otherwise it's the only way to counter-react the MASSIVE lag in the game.

• Halfturret- Your alt form in which you split in half and have your turret auto aim and haul ass for you.

Kanden

• Volt driver- Pretty decent weapon if you're not hyped on cocaine. With kanden you can piss off people by locking on and heat seaking a charged shot.

• Sting Larva- Slither around and shit out bombs. In other words, useless.

Noxus

• Judicator- A rather lulzy weapon. With Noxus it can freeze and leave you vulnerable to headshots. There's an exploit where you can aim at the ground and freeze from infinite distance.

• vhosythe- See meatspin

Spire

• Magmaul- Hilarious weapon on combat hall. Using Spire you can KILL IT WITH FIRE

• dialanche- Has no killing power, but it can climb up wall, slowly. Watch noobs fail at scaling the maps edges and then getting sniped to death.

Trace

• Imperialist- The games "sniper rifle' that acts more like a flare gun giving away your position. It would have been a good weapon, if you didn't have to aim 5 feet ahead of an enemy to kill him. Trace turns invisible with this, but you can still see the fucker.

• Triskeleton- Turn into a creepy fucking spider that does 50 damage per lunge.

Sylux

• Shock Coil- Chase your enemy around the map while draining their energy. Use with Sylux to leech off health and heal yourself.

PROTIP:Again due to the massive amount of lag, using the shockcoil on someone doesn't really damage them, but it still gives sylux heath.

• Lockjaw- Possible the stupidest alt form in the game. You can literally fly around maps by constantly bombing and insta-kill someone with a tripwire.

• Omega Cannon-Only available on the map Oubliette, this is a one shot, blow everything the fuck up weapon. You will most likely end up becoming a hero using it.

Expansion packs

• Missile Tanks- Spastically shoot every nook and cranny to find these. You can get up to like 200 missiles causing you to wonder how the fuck you can fit them all in the arm cannon.
• Energy Tanks - Increase the amount of pests you can stomp on without dying.PROTIP: Get shitloads of these in fusion.
• Power bomb tanks- Don't collect these since you'll never use them anyway.
• Reserve Tanks- Instead of just having 4 more fucking energy tanks, the developers of Super Metroid thought it would be cool to put 4 reserve tanks of energy in case you were to stupid to look at the fucking energy bar at the top of the screen.
• Ship Missile Tanks- Increase the amount of rape your ship can drop on enemies in Metroid prime 3.
• Accel Charge- Makes your charge beam charge faster because you can't kill shit with regular shots in Other M.

The Characters

Cosplay in expert mode.

• Samus - The main character of every Metroid game, and fapping material for gamers and other basement dwellers. But to their chagrin, she spends most of the time inside a metal spacesuit, which she uses to engage in systematic desecration of religious sites, widespread genocide, destruction of indigenous species and other loathsome crimes, and apparently getting paid to do so. She also likes to spend her time fucking with her own genomes as her DNA includes human, chozo, Metroid, X-parasite, and Phazon. Basically, WRAP YOUR CRAP. Nobody knows why she was let out of the kitchen, but some argue she was let out because she can kick your ass. She also has time to clip her eyebrows and keep her hair in a huge ponytail underneath her helmet, like some sort of turban. Oh yeah, did we mention she was raised by birds?

• Ridley - A HUEG dragon that Samus fights at least once in almost every game because he has no friends, appearing often for no real reason other than to wreck everything and trigger the self-destruct sequence of whatever you happen to be fighting on. Despite the obvious hatred between him and Samus, sick fucks like to draw porn of the two. He is the leader of the Space Pirates and responsible for the destruction of Samus's home colony, not even leaving her a kitchen to be in. In Other M, he starts off as a small furry bunny like thing, but later evolves and scares the living shit out of Samus.

• Metroid - I think metroid is a pretty cool guy, eh collects upgrades and doesn't afraid of anything.

In Metroid Prime: Hunters

• Sylux: A 'great marksman and infiltrator' that uses a weapon that requires no aiming and wears a blaring bright neon blue and green colored suit. Hates the federation and their favorite callgirl Samus by proxy, but still gladly steals all the federation's tech for his own use. Screams like a dinosaur when hit for some reason and flails his arms like a tard when getting out of his alt-form. Last Thursday he appeared in the endings of Metroid Prime 3 and Federation Force as sequel bait for a Metroid Prime 4 that is never going to be made.
• Weavel: One of the many space pirates Samus raped over the years survived and was turned into a cyborg. This resulted in him getting immediately demoted from his position as a commander and forced to take up bounty hunting for a living. Oh, and despite being a space pirate and his cyborg body being made by space pirates, he somehow looks nothing like an actual fucking space pirate does. But at least they gave him a ponytail so he'd feel prettier, I guess.
• Spire: An alien rock monster who wants to find his family or some shit. He can stand in lava and not take damage but still gets pwned by the blowback of his own fire-based weapon. He's the least morally questionable of the six hunters and also the least interesting. His design and backstory are the result of a lazy copy paste of a failed project by Retro Studios.
• Trace: Comes from a race of literal Invader Zim rip-offs that sends their coming-of-age warriors out to conquer new planets for their evil empire. This is despite having bug armor so weak they have to resort to sniping and invisibility in order to win fights. His head is a red floating gumdrop.
• Noxus: One day a horse with back problems had sex with a 4-eyed blue beetle and the resulting abomination was Noxus. He comes from a race that's the Metroid equivelant of a Westboro Baptist Church, bringing the icy hammer of justice down on all the godless faggots of the universe. Rundas rips off his design and ice powers in Corruption.
• Kaden: Kind of like Captain America if his super soldier serum gave him tard rage and caused him to kill his creators. Now he's out to be the very best bounty hunter like no one ever was with his favorite electric-based weapon by his side, because what the fuck else is there to do in space? Batshit insane and violent, even though the worse he ever does to Samus is knock her out and steal her crystals.

In Metroid Prime 3

• Rundas - An alien eskimo who saves Samus's ass when she's about to get gang-raped by Pirates, then again when she's done pwning Ridley. Often remarks how Pirates are fragile and how he hates the heat. Gets pwned by his own icicle like a total n00b during your fight with him.

• Ghor - A prime example of what could happen when you allow your daughter to fuck a computer. Has sex with other machines in order to make himself stronger. Fighting him involves hitting his cock over and over again and playing catch with spaceships.

• Gandrayda - What Lady Gaga would look like if she were an alien disregard that, this isn't far off. Samus's friendly rival lesbian lover. Since Nintendo ran out of ideas, defeating her involved using every other boring strategy, as all she does is transform.

In Other M

• Lyle Smithsonian- WHAT MAKES HIM A GOOD DEMOMAN? Nothing, He get's ripped to shreds by a bunny, no srsly. He also looks like Snape.
• Maurice Favueau- Some Frenchman that gets killed by "the deleter". You find him frozen solid.
• K.G. Misawa- Some chink that no one gave a fuck about. He get's killed by the deleter and thrown into a lava pit
• James Pierce- AKA the deleter if you were paying attention.
• Anthony Higgs- REMEMBER ME? Big black guy who has a big fucking laser cannon. One of the only niggers in gaming/movie history to not die.
• MB- Some android blonde chick. Look at the initials and you'll know who it really is, unless you're retarded.
• Adam Malkovich- Some commander that trolls you relentlessly. Constantly emotionless as he does not give a shit about anything, not even killing himself. You cannot use any weapons unless he gives you authorization to.

The rest of the characters can be found here.

Space Pirates

TUUUUUBES

The main race of antagonists in the Metroid series, the Space Pirates are notorious for being amongst the dumbest videogame characters ever created. Their sole purpose in the games seems to be to build their bases in such a way that makes it as easy as possible for Samus to get through. Their efforts towards this goal include installing doors that open only after being hit with certain beams, installing map, ammo, and health dispensers that can only be accessed via a cannon arm, and connecting all of the rooms through an enormous series of morphball-sized tubes. While the Space Pirates themselves have no apparent means of using any of this, Samus can use all of it, nicely allowing her to continually destroy all of their shit... again and again and again. You'd think they'd eventually learn.

The Space Pirates' ineptitude has even earned them their very own little internet meme in the form of webcomics drawn and shared on 4chan's /v/. The comics, all done in MS Paint, chronicle the misadventures of the lovable retards, focusing particularly on their unexplained obsession with TUBES.

TUUUUUUUUUUUUBES About missing Pics

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Galleries

Metroid About missing Pics

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  Samus in the new Nintendo Wii game. Looks more like the fuckin' KKK, if you ask me. Oh wait that's a guy in there.
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  Soak it in, because this is about as pornographic as a Nintendo game gets.
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See Also

• Nintendo
• Japan
• NES
• Super Nintendo
• Game Boy Advance
• Gamecube
• Super Smash Bros

• Dead Space
• Unreal Tournament
• Halo

External Links

• Metroid wiki
• Metroid fan site
• Project AM2R - Metroid fan remake
• A marxist reviewer, on social class and gender roles in Super Metroid - no, really. (Archived: 1 2)

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