Final Fantasy XIII: Difference between revisions

[[Trolls|Square-Enix]], being the [[EA|brilliant developers]] that they are, came out with an innovative new battle system that consists entirely of [[God of War|repeatedly mashing X]]. Much like rush mode in other games, the [[Cleverbot|AutoBattle]] command will stock abilities that are super effective against the generic [[Street Fighter|palatte swap]] enemy you happen to be grinding, No thinking required. Much to the dismay of [[fags|PS3 fanboys]] Square-Enix announced that ''Final Fantasy XIII'' would no longer be a [[AIDS|PS3 exclusive]] and would released on the [[Xbox 360|360]] due to the fact that [[PS3|The PSTriple]] has no gaems, The 360 version includes 3 discs primary due to the limits of [[vista|Microsoft tech]]. Drama ensued after the revelation that there are no towns, and that the over world map consists entirely of a [[series of tubes]]. Code word Linear, A [[over 9000|myriad]] of threads had emerged bashing the games for areas that were [[avatar (movie)|complete shit with shiny graphics]] along with the standard [[gamefags|n00b]] topics of [[Dragon Age: Origins|which console had the better version]]. SE also had the brilliant idea that [[digimon|transformation]] [[sailor moon|sequences]] are balls to the wall awesome, so all the summons now have [[transformers|gestalt mode]]. The game doesn't even let you pick your party until about 20 hours in, fully heals you after each battle, has no mp, and lets you [[bioshock|revive after any failed battle]]; ''FFXIII'' assumes you are a complete retard and if you bought this game you probably are. In all honesty this 'game' is easily the worst in the Final Fantasy series to date and is equally as dissapoint as [[Bioshock]] [[shit|2]].

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The [[technical virgin|technical leader]] and head bitch in charge, an [[Ex-Gay|ex-commando]] who wants revenge because her sister [[Heath Ledger|died]]. She is a strong independent woman who is afraid to show off her [[dat ass|softer side]]. Light is loose cannon who doesn't play by [[rules of the internet|the rules]], she does what she wants, how she wants, and who she wants. She uses the [[anon|alias]] Lightning to sound edgy and mysterious but the bad guys have a secret weapon, [[Powerword]]: Claire (And in japan Eclair... cuz that's a legitimate name) She wields a fancy new weapon that is a [[Final Fantasy VIII|blade that fires bullets]] as well as [[iPad|elite advanced technology]] that allows her to [[divide by zero|defy gravity]]. When Hope tells her he plans to kill Snow she [[do it faggot|gives him a knife]]. Lightning doesn't need any friends cause they will only slow her down.

An [[lemonparty|elderly gentleman]] who is the [[Pope|Primarch]], which is really just a fancy word for space [[islam|caliph]]. He is perhaps the lamest final boss in all of final fantasy as he is a steaming pile of plot hole and has no personality. His job is to protect Cocoon, but he wants the [[reptoids|l'Cie]] to destroy it because he isn't allowed to harm people, even though he killed all his own henchmen. He wants to asplode the world to cause the rapture and bring back the one true lord and make a [[Ron Paul|perfect new world]]. He wants Lightning to wage [[jihad]] against Cocoon [[retard|and yet he still attempts to murder her numerous times]]. He is teh [[pretty cool guy|ultimate bad guy]] and doesn’t afraid of anything, mainly because the developers couldn’t come up with [[sephiroth|anyone better]]. When the final boss of a game is suicidal and has been so for the past 20 hours, you really have to wonder what the fucking point is.

Aside from not being able to escape battles, Square Enix also thought save points were still a good idea, despite the fact that dying causes no penalty whatsoever as you can just hit “retry” to fight again with no consequences. [[lies|SO HARDCORE‼!11]] Exp comes in two forms: the form of item drops which are used to upgrade weapons, although the game can be easily beaten with [[n00b|level 1 equipment]], and [[CP|Crystarium Points]]. Also new to FFXIII is a ranking system that gives you a star rating [[X-Play|out of 5]] for how fast you kicked ass. <s>The rating doesn't increase exp or rare items drops and is only really there for [[360 kid|achievement/trophy whores]]</s>. [[HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS|Disregard]] the previous sentence; [[shit nobody cares about|while it’s true that the rating is primarily for achievement whores, a low rating allows and increases the rate of “shroud” drops and a high rating allows and increases the rate of rare drops]]. [[Some argue|It should be noted that]] shroud drops are actually worth something unlike [[over 9000|99%]] of rare monster drops, meaning that Square Enix is [[socialism|rewarding incompotonence]].

By (at) the end of the story, each character has [[Mary Sue|the ability to be any role]] in battle and [[lies|use any skill]]. In reality, you’re stuck with 2 or 3 classes that each character doesn’t completely suck at and 3 or 4 classes you earned for [[Skyrim|killing dragons and unlocking your [[dying alone|full potential]] which cost insane amounts of [[jailbait|CP]] to develop in. If they want to [[unrealistic expectations|play using a character’s secondary role]], players must spend massive amounts of time developing the [[shamwow|crystarium]] for each character, rather than going outside or being [[secks|socially active]].  

Its story follows [[Lame|Serah]] and her new boyfriend Noel as they travel through [[Timecube|time]] looking for Lightning. Along the way they encounter a tortured villain named [[Sephiroth|Caius]] and his sex slave who keeps getting reincarnated for no apparent reason. When they finally find Lightning, she's become a goddess or something and tells them stuff that [[Philosophy|sounds really profound but means nothing]], then fight Caius for the 9,001st time. Caius becomes [[an hero]], but then in the end sequence Serah dies of [[AIDS]] and the [[Catnarok|sky turns into black smoke]]. There's a secret ending where Caius is still alive.

But it's okay, because there's DLC. Lots and lots of DLC. You can add [[boring|interesting]] stuff like easy set-piece fights against characters like [[nostalgia|Omega]], and an episode where Sazh wanders around and plays poker for ten minutes.

After having successfully bankrupted millions of weaboos between sales of Final Fantasy XIII, Final Fantasy XIII-2, and lots of [[shit|premium content]] available as DLC, Square Enix was still not satisfied. Therefore, they released [[fact|the single shittiest MMO ever made]]—[[Final Fantasy XIV]]. A bunch of shit went down and Enix pulled the game to be [[DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING|completely rewritten]] and, as an apology to their [[13 year old boy|loyal fans]], the geniuses at Square Enix decided to dig up the corpse of the dead horse that is Final Fantasy XIII to perform more [[bestiality|domestic violence]] upon. Lightning fans the world over ejaculated simultaneously upon the announcement of a new game with a 2013 release date and a story line that makes absolutely no sense (but we’ll get to that later), seeing it as another [[over 9000]] hours’ worth of [[fap]] material. Enix promised a “seamless gameplay experience”, which is a thinly veiled promise to load slowly and take all of your console’s memory. The game’s developers have also revealed plans for 3D battles, lots of towns to explore and NPC’s to [[rape|interact with]], and a story line more nonsensical than previously imagined. The game is set 500 years in the future in a new world created from the [[divide by zero|convergence]] of [[Sweden|Walhalla]] and [[Australia|Gran Pulse]] with no explanation as to why, oh and also the world’s going to end in 12 days and, of course, you have to save it. There’s a twist this time around, however: the only character you get to play as is Lightning while you run around the world looting and pillaging and frantically searching for a clue as to what the fuck is going on.  

In the game, Lightning will get [[rape|trolled hard]] by a girl named Lumina who looks exactly like [[incest|her sister]] Serah. Oh and that one gay kid is still around for some unexplained reason so you have to deal with Hope’s annoying antics again. For another [[lulz|unknown reason]], [[Unwarranted self-importance|Snow]] gets woken up from his [[Star Wars|carbonite stasus]], giving players the chance to cringe at Enix’s ability to depict a [[fag|guy]] learning that his GF that he [[unoriginal|went to hell to protect]] cheated on him with some raven-haired faggot named “Noel” and has been dead since [[Last Thursday|time long forgotten]]. Vanille and Fang are still dead, leaving [[it is a mystery|only Sazh from the original game with unknown whereabouts]], but he is [[black]], so nobody cares.

*''[[Final Fantasy|Final Fantasies]]: [[Final Fantasy IV|4]], [[Final Fantasy VI|6]], [[Final Fantasy VII|7]], [[Final Fantasy VIII|8]], [[Final Fantasy X|10]], [[Final Fantasy XI|11]], [[Final Fantasy XIV|14]] or [[Final Fantasy Tactics|Tactics]]''