TSA

At the TSA, we're nuts about security, we know it takes a special touch to keep America safe and we need your help. We have internship openings available so you can get a feel for what it's like to wear the hat and gloves.

The Transportation Security Agency (AKA Tasty Sexual Assault, Touchy Scrotum Assessment, or Twisted Sack Assist) is a government organization under the command of the Committee for State Security. Because it is an agency which adheres to the Patriot Act as its Bible, its sole purpose is to hand out strip searches and cavity exams at airports across the country in hopes of catching potential delicious lolis. In an unusual attempt to actually keep the public "informed" of their actions, the TSA has set up a blog on its website so that freedom loving Americans everywhere can let off steam while at the same time be ignored. However, in predictable government fashion, they somehow manage to fuck everything up and tend to come off as either completely ridiculous or subjective to the point of absurdity. So if Grenades: A Refresher Course on Checkpoint Etiquette sounds interesting to you, head on over and be entertained while the government records your IP address and ~~begins~~ continues to monitor your online activities.

You probably just got placed on the terrorist watch list just for reading this article.

TSA Success Stories

In 2010, the TSA began ramping up the use of Advanced Imaging Technology to scan passengers as they attempted to board their flights. Since many objected to government rent-a-cops seeing them naked, passengers are given the ability to "opt out" of these scans. People who choose to "opt out" of the radiation bath are generously offered the alternative search method: getting frisked by a TSA agent. As cell phones and internets enter the equation, lulz were sure to ensue.

The Tyner Incident

John Tyner was boarding a flight with his father-in-law as they headed out of San Diego on a hunting trip. San Diego is a well known breeding ground for caucasian terrorists, so of course John was selected for the AIT scan. After responding "lol, no", he was directed to the VIP rape room. Hitting "record" on his cell phone later proved to be a big hit on YouTube.

	“	By buying your ticket you gave up a lot of rights.	„
	—TSA Supervisor

The TSA is now saying they're going to "investigate" Tyner and possibly fine him $11,000.

The tl;dr version:

John Tyner's full recount

3 Year Old Terrorist Foiled

The TSA has recently ruined another terrorist plot. This one was disguised as a young Thomas the Tank Engine fan. Luckily for us, after examining his penis they nabbed him and his backpack, thwarting the next 9/11.

TSA: Your #1 Source for Wheelchair Porn

52 year old Tammy Banovac was exposed for hours in lingerie by TSA wheelchair fetishists angry she wouldn't allow them to cavity-search her. "Why she would complain is beyond us, as she can't even feel down there", some allegedly raged.

Janet Napolitano

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, who is also exempt from these searches, says terrorists will continue to look for U.S. vulnerabilities, making tighter security standards necessary.

“Terrorists are going to continue to probe the system and try to find a way through. I think the tighter we get on aviation, we have to also be thinking now about going on to mass transit or to trains or maritime. So, what do we need to be doing to strengthen our protections there?”

The secretary has adamantly defended the new screening methods, which include advanced imaging systems and pat-downs, as necessary to ineffectively stop terrorists and fill the coffers of those selling such equipment. During the interview with Rose, Napolitano said her agency is now looking into ways to make other popular means of travel more invasive of the people's rights, more of a hassle for commuters, and more profitable for corporations.

The TSA and You

While traveling the friendly skies please remember that you're not just being ogled and groped for no reason, you're being ogled and groped to keep America safe. After all, this is way better than just profiling Muslims. And when the terrorists learn to avoid detection by keistering their C4, Uncle Sam will be there, ready and waiting to prolapse your rectum. After all, why do you think TSA workers sign up for the job? The pay?

TSA Greatest Hits Vol. 1

News coverage video compilation of TSA just doing their job.

Naked Body Scanners and Grope Searches

TSA says tits or GTFO! If it wasn't bad enough that the government was staging all the terror, making sure all the terrorists got to their destinations, now it's in your pants. They want to take pictures of you naked and store these images on the machine. This means that everyone who goes through the machine has his or her picture stored in the machine. Men, women and children are equally subject to this kind of scan. This violates child pornography laws, as well as the personal instinct of right and wrong. There is also the exposure to radiation, which is many times that of an x-ray at the doctor. If you go to have an x-ray done, they use shielding made of lead to protect your body from the unnecessary exposure. Radiation even in the doses used is considered too dangerous for you to not be protected. The doctor leaves the room, which highlights the dangers involved at even low levels of radiation used for diagnostic reasons. The naked body scanner, which gives off radiation merely by being on, is also a harm for the operators, but nobody cares about them. Other places they are used are in courthouses and random trucks driving on the highway. [1]

What If I Refuse?

The TSA worker will then scream so everyone can hear "OPT OUT! OPT OUT! WE HAVE AN OPT OUT!" to humiliate you and make it obvious that you are refusing the scan. You will then be groped and felt all over your body by a man if you are a man or a woman if you are a woman. You can also be subject to having them search you by sticking their hand down your pants to their wrist. You are then felt down and patted on the front and back, often in public. If they ask to take you to a private place, REFUSE CALMLY, BUT BE FIRM. These people WILL rape you at the first opportunity. They are control freaks who are in this job field because they couldn't get a job at McDonald's. This is what they want to do; humiliate and violate. Some of the TSA agents are not bad/wicked/horrible people, but this is a minority in the TSA. Just kidding, they are all pedophile rapists. And don't forget, the TSA agents don't change their gloves so you are guaranteed to get STDs from the groping. [2]

John S. Pistole

John S. Pistole is was the great chairman of the TSA for a while and absolutely loveeed his job at the TSA: molesting and humiliating people without even being in the same room. While he sat in his great golden throne while being worshiped by absolute fucking morons, he likes to scream at the top of his lungs that he is the almighty God.

Pistole, hot as a pistol, was replaced by a new victim called JEH Johnson. It's a JEH. Not a "Jay" or a "John" or a "tree branch" but a JEH. As in "meh". The great employees at TSA doesn't even know who he is, but they are too busy looking at your penis in a radiation bath so lulz.

National Opt Out Day

National Opt Out Day was for a more organized protest of this legalized TSA rape of adults and children. The media all reported it fizzled and was much ado about nothing. However, the articles state that the TSA did turn OFF all of the machines on that day in anticipation of this protest. This clearly defeats the point that the cancer machines were oh so vital to national security. The joke was on the TSA as it was reported that not many people flew that day. It was the most subtle protest in history and the TSA missed the whole thing. Perhaps they were too busy making a young mother miss her flight as she had a great rack or putting on their required pedobear outfits for the children.

A lot of people are still protesting in full swing and there are reports and youtubes of people showing up at the airports already in their underwear or wearing a bathing suit.

Substitute the women for men and you get the picture.

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Children's Toys

Playmobil Security Check Point. Reviews from Buyers:

I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the passenger's shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger's scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said "that's the worst security ever!". But it turned out to be okay, because when the passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital.

The best thing about this product is that it teaches kids about the realities of living in a high-surveillence society. My son said he wants the Playmobil Neighborhood Surveillence System set for Christmas. I've heard that the CC TV cameras on that thing are pretty worthless in terms of quality and motion detection, so I think I'll get him the Playmobil Abu-Gharib Interogation Set instead (it comes with a cute little memo from George Bush).

This toy would be a lot more realistic with about 350 people standing in line for an average of an hour. It still makes a nice set with the interrogation room.

My family was planning a vacation to Europe, so I purchased this item to teach my twins about what to expect at the airport and hopefully, alleviate some of their anxiety. We also downloaded the actual TSA security checklist from the American Airlines website and then proceeded with our demonstration. Well, first we had to round up a Barbie and a few Bratz dolls to play the other family members, so that cost us a few extra bucks at the Dollar General and it is aggravating that the manufacturer did not make this product "family-friendly." Of course, since the playmobil Dad could not remove his shoes or other clothing items, unlike the Barbie, the playmobil security agent became suspicious and after waving her wand wildy a few dozen times, called her supervisor to wisk the Dad into a special body-cavity search room, (which incidentally led to quite an embarasing and interesting discussion with my twin daughters about personal hygiene and a slight adjustment to the rules we had them memorize about touching by strangers). But worst of all, since the suitcase did not actually open, the baggage inspector made a call to the FBI and ATF bomb squads which then segregated the family's suitcase (which btw was the only suitcase they provided for our educational family experience) and according to the advanced TSA regulations, had to blow it up, (since they could not otherwise mutilate the luggage, break off the locks and put one of those nice little advisory stickers on it), which we had to simulate out in the backyard with a few M-80s and other fireworks. The girls started crying. They became so hysterical by the whole experience that we could not even get them in the car when the time came to actually take our trip, and so we had to cancel the whole thing at the last minute, losing over $7,000 in airfare and hotel charges that we could not recoup do to the last minute cancellations. We've now spent an additional $3,000 to pay for the girls therapy and medication over the past year since this incident occurred, and the psychologists have told us that this will affect them for life, so much for their college fund and our retirement. Then, to top it all off, when we tried to use to playmobil phone to call the company to ask for reimbursement, as you might expect, of course the damn thing didn't even work; neither did our efforts to e-mail them using the computer screen on the baggage checkpoint; and our real-life efforts to contact them to obtain re-imbursement have also likewise been ignored. Worse yet, we had the product tested and found out that it was positive for both lead paint and toxic chemicals, having been manufactured in China by workers holding formerly American jobs, so now we all have cancer and have been given only another year or so to live. My advice - educating your kids about airport security with this toy may actually be more harmful to them than just packing them in the damn luggage with some bottled water & hoping they survive. :)

Meanwhile, over at the Border Patrol

	“	OIG opened a case on Peña in March 2010. But officials there mishandled the case so spectacularly — first by failing to investigate, then by lying about the work they’d done, and finally by trying to cover up their lies — that they became FBI targets themselves. As unwittingly as he’d stumbled into that stakeout in the parking lot, Peña also became part of a much larger investigation. Though the probe barely made headlines outside Texas, it would draw congressional scrutiny and expose the deep dysfunction within Homeland Security’s internal affairs apparatus, put high-ranking federal agents in prison, and implicate top Homeland Security leadership in Washington, D.C.......... Instead of streamlining investigations within DHS and rooting out corruption, OIG became known for hoarding cases and then leaving them uninvestigated — a black hole of bureaucracy. To make matters worse, the office often refused offers of help from the FBI and other law enforcement agencies that also keep watch over customs officers and Border Patrol agents. In the last two years, new leaders in DHS have pushed OIG to cooperate more with sister agencies, but dysfunction still runs deep. Each agency has its own protocols, case numbers and filing systems, its own sense of institutional pride, and its own acronyms. The FBI, DHS OIG, ICE OPR (Immigration and Customs Enforcement Office of Public Responsibility) and CBP IA all run their own competing investigations — even though, with the exception of the FBI, they’re all part of the Department of Homeland Security. Meanwhile, the Border Patrol’s ranks keep growing. Congress is intent on “more boots on the ground,” but pays little attention to the men and women tasked with keeping border agents accountable. Accounts of corruption have multiplied: In Arizona, a Border Patrol agent was caught on police video loading a bale of marijuana into his patrol vehicle; another agent in Texas was caught waving loads of drugs through the international port of entry for a cartel; and in California, a Border Patrol agent smuggled immigrants across the border for money. But Homeland Security officials have no way to gauge how extensive the problem is within its ranks. “The true levels of corruption within CBP are not known,” concluded a Homeland Security advisory panel of law enforcement officials in a 2014 report. The corruption investigations conducted by OIG, the panel noted, are often unsatisfactory. “These investigations are nearly all reactive and do not use proactive risk analysis to identify potential corruption. Moreover, they often take far too long.” This means that agents like Manny Peña, suspected of ties to drug cartels, can stay on the job for years, waving people across the border. The dysfunction has put the fundamental mission of DHS in jeopardy. After all, what good are more boots on the ground if the men and women wearing them also work for the cartels? What benefit is an 18-foot wall when criminals can bribe their way through the gate?	„
	—-not making this up

Spent $1.4 million on an app that chooses left or right

Because they like to pretend that they actually randomize who they select as the next to receive an anal probing. So of course they needed an app for that. And because they like to spend your money they paid more than one million dollars on something that can be replicated on ED with 15 seconds of coding. Don't believe me? Refresh the page to see a new result.

Right

Great use of money.