Pre Med

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PreMeds are a humanoid pest, endemic but not exclusive to american undergraduate programs, who have exchanged their souls for an exceptional ability to feign scientific literacy. The majority of PreMeds eventually realize that they actually want souls and don't really understand anything about the word definitions that they spend hours memorizing. Subsequently they regain human status, and usually switch to a major that has nothing to do with science. Unfortunately, this does not prevent them from wasting precious resources, their parents money, and everybody's time in the process. PreMeds also manage to make life more difficult for their genuinely gifted peers, by flooding science majors with over-competitive retards. This ruins the quality of these courses as professors and institutions struggle to compensate for the PreMed horde. A substantial minority do eventually evolve, pokemon style, into societally useful doctors. Lacking a soul proves useful in a career mostly spent listening to elderly lardasses bitch about the consequences of their rapacious eating habits, and on a good day, earning the privilege of exploring their colons.

The ultimate goal of every PreMed - Pedobear MD

Description

Appearance- Unfortunately, in the PreMed stage there is no universal, outward distinction from humans. Later in life they may begin to regularly wear a white coat, or a green smock, but even these phenotypes show extreme regional variation and are expressed only at certain times of day and week. By this point they are no longer really PreMeds, and while still expressing PreMed tendencies, tend to be far more tolerable. It is assumed that they posses unusual anatomical structures, but they have not yet been dissected by someone who was not previously themselves a PreMed, and therefore cannot be trusted.

they could be anyone. Note how badly TV dramas miss the mark in terms of medical professional attractiveness

Attitude- PreMeds will tend to approach school with a very intense and rigorous attitude, this makes them a general pain in the ass. There is no such thing as a mellow PreMed, and you can never trust them to not be studying - even if you're having a conversation with one, they are probably exploiting the periods when you are talking by repetitiously muttering some biological banality, that would be trivial to any non-PreMed, like "enzymes are catalysts, catalysts lower activation energy, low activation energy makes reaction easier, a reaction is when something changes something else, being a PreMed means I have to reduce every scientific process to some sort of paired word-definition or result-causality association, I do this because I am retarded and incapable of reasoning through anything, I shouldn't be a science major because I am incapable of reason and have no passion for knowledge"(sadly they never make the last three associations unless an F in a weed out course tells them so). PreMeds can only assess intellectual capability and societal worth on a GPA/resume basis. As a result, they are painfully judgmental, and they tend to think that because they waste hours in the library exploring counterproductive study habits, they are better than everybody else. This also exacerbates their ugliest competitive tendencies. PreMeds are more likely to try and sabotage the work of their peers, cheat on exams, study alone, and refuse to share their notes than another major. Self worth is a big part of the PreMed's world view. The real reason for the self importance is demonic possession, but it is usually rationalized to a narrative where PreMeds envision themselves as saints who will one day save lives. In reality, most of them will be lucky to postpone the death of a fat 60 year old by a few years. Meanwhile, their peers, who they view as inferiors, will improve the lives of infinitely more people through research - while making a fraction of the money! Who's mother Teresa now bitch? To view the attitude of a preMed, see This video. | Here is a PreMed guiding his PreMed Comrades on how to not be a PreMed Douchebag, what he fails to realized is that PreMed is a sub-category of douchebag and not the other way around.

Logic- PreMeds justify their irrational demon lust as a nobel crusade justified by any means. They view the classes they are taking as a necessary evil rather than anything they actually care about. Because Med school evaluates asses worth on a GPA basis, so do PreMeds. This is the root of PreMed logic - if I have an A, I must be pretty smart. Unfortunately many tests are scantron based, and this fosters a dictionary level understanding of a subject. As most scantrons fail to test a students ability to reason, the PreMeds get away with intensively memorizing what any real science major can easily understand. If tests questioned understanding, PreMeds would invariably fail, as they can not take the anal retentive details they have spent hours cramming up their ass, into a larger coherent model. This heavy reliance on word definitions, is ironically somewhat tough for PreMeds, as their memories are typically unremarkable, and their ability to derive terms from latin/greek roots is appalling. PreMeds tend to hate any classes or professors who encourage mathematical or systemic thinking. This means organic chemistry, basic, physics, population genetics, stats, ecology, and calculus are the targets of unwarranted PreMed bitching. All these subjects require the extrapolation of foundational principles, this logical facility is the function of a portion of grey matter, presumably demon gobbled in PreMeds. Ultimately this logic is OK for doctors, because reducing things to a causation-result association is all you need to diagnose a problem, and then treat it. For any given disease a GP really only has two know two sets of associations and a couple procedures, not once does he have to think.

The real reason motivation of PreMeds

Development

Larval stage- PreMeds universally start as normal humans, and thus early in their childhood they do not display the distinguishing characteristics that would allow any student with over a year of university education to identify them as a PreMed. That said, there are some personality characteristics which make children vulnerable to the demonic possession which will eventually result in the pursuit of a career in medicine. If you are a parent and have a child who displays of these characteristics, you must avoid exposing your child to the demon sources discussed later:

1. An extreme thirst for money 2. An interest in nature, especially anatomy (genuine or superficial) 3. A compulsion to play "doctor" (although often by this point it is a lost cause) 4. Extreme self importance 6. A lust for competition 5. An exceptional ability to rationalize any behavior, especially those listed above, as an act of altruism. (this is the most important one)

Some Parents actually force their ordinary children, who often don't posses any of the above traits to become PreMeds. While this is a shame, by the time they are PreMeds, they have already lost human emotion and are no longer worthy of human empathy.

Possession- Whether forcibly induced by misguided (or often possessed) parents, or accidentally through environmental exposure, demonic possession is defining moment in the life of any PreMed. As they are under demonic control, PreMeds will never admit that they have been possessed by demons lest we burn them at the stake, impale them, or pursue some other appropriate course of action. Indeed, it is possible that in the act of possession, the demon clears its victim's memory of the event. As there are no first hand accounts of PreMed demonic possession, the mechanism is a subject of much speculation. A poltergeist model makes sense in many cases, as possession often happens while watching sensationalist hospital dramas; however, this can not explain all possessions, especially parentally induced ones. If the child's parents are doctors, then possession can be easily explained by the tentacle rape model, where the parents use the tentacles they grew from their own possession to infect their children. While these models explain about 80% of PreMed possessions, 20% remain unexplained. It is likely that other PreMed demons lurk in K-12 classrooms and the lollipops given out in hospitals. Demonic possession almost invariably results in loss of soul, though this can be found again if the demon is exorcized. The only proven way to exorcized a PreMed demon, is for the PreMed to receive a poor grade in a required course for their major.

Just a typical evening watching House

Demon possession produces obvious behavioral, and almost certainly dramatic, unknown physiological changes. The reason these physiological changes are undocumented is because all autopsies and operations on the possessed are conducted by qualified (possessed) medical professionals. Most PreMeds will be possessed by high school, which is also where they start to exhibit a PreMed style of thinking and PreMed attitude. As they become exposed progressively more intensive educational programs, they develop PreMed style study habits in order to compensate for a lack of reasoning skills. Upon arriving at college, a once normal child will have blossomed into a fully fledged PreMed.

PreMed- PreMeds will progress through college, spending the majority of their time in libraries, intaking copious amounts of caffeine (though this is common for college students, this characteristic is exaggerated in PreMeds), and reducing what would otherwise be intellectually stimulating course material into a mess of disconnected word definitions. Though PreMeds do not enjoy their course material or find it in the slightest bit interesting, they display a work ethic that can only be explained by their irrational demonic lust to enroll in med school at all costs. Fortunately PreMeds tend to suffer at courses that require a systemic or mathematical level of understanding, often this forces them to drop out of their major.

For those who manage to fight through and survive their undergraduate career, they enter med school, where they can no longer be called PreMeds. In med school med students are allowed to pursue their competitive, anal retentive strategies to the extreme. To the PreMeds, this is the heaven they have been working for.

Doctor- Once they graduate, a doctor will be seen as the Charles Darwins, Warren Buffets, and the mother Teresas of their local communities, while failing to warrant any of these attributions. That said, doctors do manage to be societally useful, and the perpetual fawning of their patients will often reduce a doctor's intensity (PreMeds are painfully intense) to the point where they may actually be pleasant to be around. Some doctors still manage to be very stressed, having realized they're stuck in a career where all they can do is sit and watch people die.

Evolutionary origins

PreMeds evolved out of a cultural environment that greatly inflates the importance of health care professionals. Doctors in the USA make more money, and go through more school than just about anywhere else. In England Doctors make about half of what they make in the USA, and go through about half the amount of schooling, they even go into med school straight out of high school (no "PreMed" phase). Not only does the UK system waste less class time and tuition money, they also have a healthcare system which while socialist, manages to be better. We pay our doctors so much that the cash hungry demons are bound to possess our children. In the USA we also view doctors as scientists. In Europe the view is more reasonable, a doctor is a tradesman. If you think about it, a doctor's not much different than a plumber with smaller tools, and a couple thousand types of drain cleaner. Does your GP do experiments? Given that he uses PreMed logic, you better fucking hope not. It doesn't help that a GP is often he smartest person in a small American town. Bourgoise culture also provides the primordial ooze of the PreMed demon. The middle class man strives to make more income, but also likes to rationalize his self-interested antics as part of some nobler cause. For this the profession of a doctor is perfect as it pulls the income of a lawyer, but without the obvious evil. The lower classes also see becoming a doctors as a means to be accepted by the middle class, and their children are understandably competitive when capable. Finally the media has nurtured the propagation of PreMed demons, through its popularization of sensationalist hospital dramas. House makes interesting medical conditions seem routine, and the entire genre manages to overstate the physical appeal of medical professionals, while underplaying the continuous stream of death that they have to deal with. Nothing portrays the reality of cutting open an obese person for a liposuction to find him stuffed with food his family snuck in. Let's face it, the majority of people most doctors will see are old, fat, and on the way out. For a typical patient, look at | This guy. Leaving a child unattended in the presence of a medical drama leaves them exceptional vulnerable to an outstretched demon hand.

This shit makes PreMeds think they're baddass scientists

The reallity of being a doctor means dealing with this guy!

Environmental Consequences

While doctors do ultimately play a | functional role in society, most PreMeds do not reach this stage, but still manage to be PreMeds. During the time when they are PreMeds, they manage to do significant damage by forcing universities to cater to their existence. Too many PreMeds lead to the simplification of course material, and a reversion to percentile rather than content grading, it is obvious that the excessive presence of PreMeds is retarding the development of American biologists and chemists, both of which are more efficient at saving lives and utilizing education than a PreMed drop out. It soon becomes apparent that PreMeds are lowering our life expectancy, wasting our money, wasting our education, raping our babies, destroying the environment, and if not curtailed will eventually lead to the end of humanity.

[1]

consequences of letting premeds get out of control

[2]

Basically every megamovie you've ever imagined!

[3]

Encounter with a PredMed in lame but accurate format.