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Twilight
Twilight (pronounced "toilet") or Why Mormons Shouldn't Write Vampire Fiction, along with its cash-cow sequels New Moon, Eclipse (also known as Sparklequeers versus Furfags), and Breaking Dawn, are a series of gay vampire romance Harry Potter fan pulp fiction triple-ply rolls of bath tissue that appeal to the tiny minds of 16 year old girls, vampirefags, werewolf story fanbois, and, of course, Jews.
Full of one-dimensional characters and completely devoid of originality, the series is comparable to reading the scribblings and shit stains of an epileptic downie coloring while a strobe light is being shone in its face. It has been rumored that when the first copy of Twilight came off the press, Joyce, Twain, and Faulkner all simultaneously shit themselves from beyond their respective graves.
The book series is easily the worst thing to hit the werewolf genre since furries, and the worst thing to happen to vampires ever. The entire series of books and movies, which would have been better as a one season television series on Lifetime then forgotten, have no redeeming value to speak of as either literature or cinema, and should be avoided like The Black Plague.
If you want to know just how horrible Twilight is, it's worse than Tara Gilesbie's masterpiece My Immortal, because My Immortal was funny. Twilight just makes small children cry. The maddening thing is that Twilight isn't rotting on fanfiction.net like it should be, but making shitloads of cash which funds its BBW author's lard ass with twinkies and ho ho's. The author is listed in Time Magazine's 100 Most Influential People for catering to the fantasies of 16 year old girls who wouldn't know a good book if it raped them in the ass. Twilight also supports pedophilia, necrophilia, incest, bestiality and babyfuck.
But most importantly, Twilight is a foolproof blueprint for you sick fucks out there to tap that jail-bait ass you've been stalking for months. Proven to work better than candy and a van with tinted windows, also cheaper than roofies with twice the brain damage.
"Plot"
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Lol, what plot? Who doesn't love incest, bestiality, sodomy, homosexuality, necrophilia, and a slight hint of shit fetish all rolled into one?
The books are cooking in the cesspool of the modern monster-drama genre, where instead of raping the living shit out of victims and actually doing what made vampires notable in the first place, they live among humans, go to high school, and shine like a thousand crystals under the sun. Although many will claim that they are vampires, a close examination of the physical symptoms this species exhibits (thirst for blood, superhuman physical condition, good looks, fashion sense) reveal the truth. Edward and his ilk are not actually vampires, but self-loathing class-eight faggots in the later stages of infection.
The majority of the books consist of drawn-out shit dialogue so bad one might consider it having been discharged from Meyer's filthy cooze itself. Each chapter plays out its own little drama-filled emo role-playing session, with more than half of each consisting of characters giving wry smiles, chuckling, hissing, glaring, and raising eyebrows during vapid and angst ridden logorrhea. The stories are written in the first person, from Bella Swan's point of view - but since she's an insipid cunt, it's easy for the reader to forget. If you dig a hole in middle-class suburbia and throw in a 16-year-old girl, a self-loathing, fudge-packing, fairy emo vampire and a date-raping pedophile werewolf, you get the gist of the series. Basically it's a Fap Fest for fat Emo cunts who will never get laid.
—Meyer, responding to "Don't burn it, return it" | ||
Midnight Sun
Also known as Twilight 2: Electric Boogaloo, and "holy shit, do you really need more twinkies and ho-hos?". This book will be the same old stupid pigshit from the first Twilight, only told from Edward's perspective (oh, the originality), undeniable proof that Meyer is not only shameless, but also lazy and fat; she gets to recycle all her old dialogue, change a few verbs and nouns and write approximately 2% of a new book. This book plus the following Twilight Guide and the movie companion version of the book just prove that Stephenie is just milking these fangirls for all they're worth (and they deserve it for being so basic and stupid to actually like this shit).
Midnight Sun is notable only for the fact it demonstrates beyond a doubt that Bella is going to dump Edward's limp undead dick for Alice's sweet, stone cold pussy at some point.
—Alice, proving she is bicurious | ||
—Alice, failing to explain what that is, exactly. | ||
—Edward, explaining the plot of Twilight 5-Moonlight Rug Munch. | ||
August 28, 2008: Midnight Sun leaks onto the interwebs. A butthurt Stephenie Meyer writes about how the leak saddens her on her website. The culprit of the breach isn't some l337 hacker, but in a true showcase of stupidity, Meyer herself. She's been throwing around unfinished drafts like they were confetti, even giving one to the guy who plays Edward (an American makeup designer who is popular with prepubescent females) in the shitty movie adaption of Twilight so he could "better understand his character." Which for an actor is pretty insulting, even if Robert Pattinson has the charisma and emotional range of a carboard box. Rpattz most likely leaked the manuscript in retaliation of being stuck playing a character he hates. Someone needs to call the WAAAAHMBULANCE! There is now a Publish Midnight Sun (PMS) Petition full of illiterate aspie fangirls bawling and begging for Midnight Sun in caps lock.
—Stephenie Meyer, finally having a good idea. | ||
—Stephenie Meyer, apparently not realizing that if someone wanted to experience Midnight Sun, they could read Twilight. | ||
The Characters
| The Characters | ||||
| Isabella Swan | <3<3<3Edward Cullen<3<3<3 | Jacob Black | JACOBS CHEST | Secondary Characters |
| [+] | [+] | [+] | [+] | [+] |
The Fans
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The Anti-Fans
It should be noted that Twilight haters can be just as full of fail as the fantards. In fact, a shitton of them are basement dwelling fat lolcows whose reasons for hating the books range from thinking Stephenie Meyer has a deep seated agenda to crush the very soul of female empowerment by encouraging romantic union with teh menz and extolling the virtues of motherhood or just pure unbridled butthurt at the series outselling their beloved Harry Potter. (Alternatively, they might be faggoths who are upset that Stephenie Meyer's books don't follow the rules of vampirism set by Anne Rice, whose groundbreaking works are obviously the standard by which all vampire literature must be judged.) In short, the more Asperger's-fueled hatred someone lavishes upon Twilight, the more likely that their reasons for hating it are just as full of faggotry as the fantards' reasons for cumming at the very thought of their favorite prissy pale bloodsucker.
These reverse Twitards often sacrifice innumerable hours of their lives venting their nerd rage through painfully overwrought pseudo-intellectual diatribes about just why Twilight sucks so much sweaty nigger dong... but they somehow manage to fail even THAT and instead just show off what a bunch of misguided little 12 year old furries they are. For examples of such epic fail see this shitfest of a Tumblr post or just lurk TV Tropes for 10 minutes. (PROTIP: lurking TV Tropes for that long might cause you to go batshit insane.)
The Author
Stephenie Meyer graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelors Degree in English, receiving the best education you can get from a school which gives the Eucharist and the alcohol-free blood of Christ in the cafeteria (note the links at the bottom of the college's front page to The Church of Latter Day Saints and the Missionary Training Center). Looking at her writing abilities, she probably just bullshat her way through every class ever. Instead of teaching kids about compound sentences and verbs, she decided to write a book. Why write in first person? It's because the entire series is actually a wet dream that the author had. She wishes she could be Bella, and decided that she could profit from the wet dream. The idea for Twilight came in a wet dream she had about a sparkling vampire in a meadow blabbering on about how hesitant he is to love a mortal. Three months later, Twilight was written and on its way to super stardom.
—Stephenie, on her wet dreams. | ||
After being hailed as the next J. K. Rowling by Time Magazine, Stephenie suffers from a severe case of unwarranted self-importance. Meyer goes so far as to actually brag about how easy it was for her to become an immediate success with all the little 12 year old girls and stupid fucks out there buying her shit. A side note: all of Meyer's photos try to hide how overweight she actually is. Maybe if she spent some time jazzercising and less time writing vampire fanfiction, her husband would actually touch her and she wouldn't have to dream about Edward's sparkly cock. Her husband probably just fucks the other two wives he's married to and Meyer is just there to make money.
It should also be noted that Meyer's taste in music is complete shit, as explained by the fact that she said Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance were inspirations for her as she wrote the series (some shit about 3 Days Grace too). (Here and here, respectively). This explains why so much of the books is spent with the characters angsting about trivial stuff, and proves once and for all that if you read Twilight, you are an emo.
She is possibly the most retarded Mormon ever, as evidenced by the main character not having at least 100 wives.
Stephen King is Not Amused by Your Faggotry
To further pour salt on the wounds of Twilight fangirls unable to accept the fact that their beloved series is the literary equivalent of a four-year-old's crayon scribblings, aging hack Stephen King came out in early 2009 and expressed his distaste for the series' author:
—Stephen King, telling it like it is: U.S. Weekend magazine, late January 2009. | ||
—Stephenie responding, apparently forgetful of the fact that she published the book. | ||
—Stephen King's final response | ||
—VenomFangX's response to the novel. Lolwut | ||
Naturally, being averse to all forms of logic, truth, and good taste, this statement enraged the armies of Twilight fans around the internet, creating all sorts of delicious drama and fangirl tears.
On March 6th, in response to the internet shitstorm made by the interview with Stephen King, USA Weekend started a poll to find out which of three authors (King, J.K. Rowling and Meyer) truly had the biggest spam power. Here's the poll. As of August, King held 70% of the vote as the best of a bad bunch and Rowling held about 25%, leaving Stephenie Meyer the greatest and newest thing since lighting a fart in the dust, with about 5%. Some argue that this just might be because King (and comparatively Rowling) are halfway decent writers while Meyer is a blathering dipshit whose entire literative output consists of elaborations on her fat, sexually frustrated Mormon fantasies.
Controversies
Alleged Sexism
Stephenie Meyer, the series' author, has been criticized for her portrayal of a weak, helpless female lead who falls madly in love with a man who wants to kill her. Being that she's a Mormon, we can all see where she gets these ideals from. Others disagree and claim that the relationship has fair precedent, citing the common practice of marriages to incarcerated serial killers and the notorious original ending to the movie Terminator. This idea has been backed up by legions of the books' fans, prompting others of the female persuasion to attempt to forcibly remove their extra X chromosome.
Robert Pattinson
Unaware of the popularity of the book series or the insanity of its fanbase, the young actor signed on to play Edward Cullen in a three-movie contract deal in order to hit on to the lead actress. When he found out his mistake, Pattinson took to insulting the book and its author in interviews and appearing in public after long periods of not showering in order to avoid his fans. Of course, this didn't work. There is widespread speculation as to what Pattinson will try next, including possibly gaining 200 pounds and smearing his face with human excrement. We assume that Pattinson's agents are currently negotiating a deviation from the book in the third movie, in which Edward Cullen is unexpectedly killed by Lord Voldemort.
Movie
Twilight somehow proved popular enough that a bunch of people made it into a film, which, to the disappointment of many, does not star or feature this guy as Edward. In this abomination of mankind, Rob Pattinson who signed a contract to play Edward fucking Cullen, the book-famous attention man-whore. Fangirls all over the world are bitching and whining about how he isn't in the movie, but we all know that when it comes out they'll go see it anyway and have multiple orgasms when RPattz comes onto the screen, giving extreme lulz or eyeburning to the people who will see the videos of said orgasms on YouTube for weeks to come.
Fucking things up like always, the Americans had to get the cheapest surefire hunk on the market to wet the panties of its fanbase, particularly one who has already established his name with the tweeny market (starring in things with Daniel Radcliffe).
As he was killed off during the final scenes of The Goblet of Fire, Cedric Diggory aka RPattz was looking for anything he could get to tide him over until he got the cheque for the Dali movie. Poor guy didn't know what he was getting himself into until it was too late and he was signed up for three movies. Send him fan letters with ideas on how to get fired because try as he might it just hasn't happened yet. He might pass your tips on to Kristen Stewart aka Bella, who also wants out.
Utilizing the skills of Catherine Hardwicke, the movie was the biggest piece of shit to hit the screens since The Love Guru, but due to its high numbers of fangirls a sequel was greenlit. New Moon, where NOTHING HAPPENS, is now a movie too.
In a particularly lulzy development, both of the lead actors have come forward to admit the author and fans are essentially batshit:
—Robert Pattinson, quoted for truth | ||
Death
Wow! As if we needed further proof that Twilight is bad for your health, a 23 year old New Zealand "man" died while going to see the third movie in the Twitard sobbuh. It is not yet known whether he was on a deliberate quest to become an hero, but oh the lulz they are delicious. [1]
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They're all fugly as hell. Coincidence? -
Sexual frustration is a harsh mistress. -
Middle aged Twilight fans. I'm sorry, was that your faith in humanity? -
"Sign my fat rolls, Edward!"
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"I take this everywhere with me, it makes me look less hideous by comparison" -
Pedobear comes up with some classic disguises. -
A squadron of 12-year-old girls desperately tries to grab a tuft of celebrity chest hair. -
Here we see some sexual assault charges being signed. -
Several hundred tons of hambeast converges on the hapless faggot. -
"Can I get a picture before I devour you?" -
A herd of sperm whales preparing for migration.
Conclusion
As you are probably well aware, Twilight is shit. You may have even read the book ironically and written about how terrible it is on your blog because you're totally original like that. Congratulations, have a cookie. But inevitably, despite the atrocity to literature that is Twilight, it has still sold over 100 million copies which makes it statistically better than anything you will EVER write down. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS. Twilight is the worst literature in existence and you could draw a picture of a fatass jizzing on the face of a goth, and it would still be more artistic, better-written, deeper and just superior to Twilight.
Of course, we all know who the real winner is here don't we?
Side note, real men watch Daybreakers, a shit film about, you know, vampires and stuff. Notable for the fact that nothing happens in the first hour of screen time, closely followed by a half-hour segment comprised almost entirely from artistic shots of fake intestines. Also notable for the fact that the vampires fucking explode when killed, and that the only hot girl in the entire film becomes an emo vampire gargoyle and becomes An Hero through self-immolation. Side side note, I am not referring to the loli at the start. Why would you even think that, you sick fuck?
—Robert Pattinson, done with this bullshit | ||
NO MOAR TWILIGHT? :'(
Last Thursday, Stephenie Meyer announced that she was sick of Twilight and had moved on (IE, she'd already gotten as much money and praise from her moronic fans as she needed, so she decided to turn her literature-raping fanfiction to other fandoms). In said interview, she even said she'd kill one of the main three characters if she ever returned to the series. The resulting butthurt from fans was strong, so much so that Meyer was actually forced to respond to them for once. However, even in this response, she said pretty much the same thing, saying the series doesn't bring her much joy anymore. She implies that this is because all the negativity the series has gotten, with critics, other authors, trolls and even fans saying that Meyer is a fucking terrible writer. In other words, she's sad. Another victory for the internet! The best part about all this is that the hard-core fans (such as Nuttymadam3575) are finally being forced to face the truth: Their fap-fest is utter shit, and even the author admits it. Typical of Twilight fans, rather than take this as a wake-up call and move on with their own lives, they choose instead to act all emo and whiny about it. Not that that's a bad thing, as it means more lulz for the rest of us. No suicides have been reported as of yet, but we can all hope that it's only a matter of time.
Gallery
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Who needs a director these days?. -
This is basically the gist of it. -
Twilight is not literature or a fucking saga, morons.
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The books aren't so squeaky clean. -
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A better vampire movie -
Twilight comic - Part 1 -
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Derp -
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Google's take on the book. -
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Srsly? Srsly. -
How did she ruin vampires? -
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Stephenie Meyer is John Locke's sister, apparently. -
amirite? -
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The entire plot of Twilight -
Indeed. -
They see me rollin' -
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Looks like Edward is a pillow-biter. -
wat -
If you haven't read Breaking Dawn, this .gif is for you!Sadly Jacob doesn't die so this is only good for trollin' -
No one bashes Twilight like Gaston. -
deviantARTlets have faved this image over a thousand times. Wow. -
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Let me check... -
Non-Twilight fans react to the film. -
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By yours truly. -
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Edward is a good example of a sweet, protective guy. -
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With the fangirls batshit insane as they are, should something like this really be surprising? -
What /b/ thinks of New Moon -
A completely scientific diagram of Twilight. -
Even Google hates Twilight. -
Two of the many reasons why True Blood is better -
Sun + Vampire = ??? -
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Bella the whore -
Deleted scene of Bella whoring out her sluts. -
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Well played, brony. Well played. -
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External Links
- Synopsis for those who don't want to read the book
- Typical Twilight merchandise. You must read the reviews.
Fan Related
- Stephenie Meyer's website
- The Twilight Series's official website
- Twilight Lexicon
- Twilight Saga Wiki Read the Top 10 lists, they'll make you LOL.
- Twilight moms forum. Full of 40 year old twitards and insanity.
- CULLENISM IS NOW A RELIGION.
- Cullenism site even has a church.
- Chatroom for Twilight fans. You know what to do
- [2]
- Twilight-themed cruise. Anyone up for pirating?
- My Life Is Twilight. No, I can't believe it either. Essentially, MyLifeIsAverage.com for Twitards. *SPOILER ALERT* Edward is used frequently.
- Twilight Sex
- Another Twilight chatroom, this one run by a guy who thinks he's invincible to trolling.
Anti-Related
- Fuck this prissy shit and go read something that's at least decent
- SatireKnight's chapter-by-chapter mockery of this series, among others
- Bella Walks the Plank
- [3]
- The Anti-Twilight Movement: Because real vampires don't SPARKLE.
(Baleeted)Disregard that. Still open for lulz. - A catalog of repeated shit in the book.
- The Psychology of Twilight.
- How Twilight is Destroying America and Harming Our Youth.
- A helpful, enlightening review of Twilight by someone with a brain!
...and another oneand another!
*A critique of the entire saga. Baleeted
- Twilight chapter by chapter summary.
- Summarizing the Idiocy: possibly the most accurate summary of all four Twilight books.
- A Fandom_Wank article on the Midnight Sun leak
- Twilight Parodies: "Daybreak" and "The Most Popular Book in the Whole World"
- "Vampire Christ" Funny and accurate short story depicting how Twilight fucked up the vampire genre.
- A bum reviews Twilight: The Movie.
- Anti-Twilight/Twilight Raid coordination wiki
- Stephen King haets Twilight.
- The inevitable porn parody is discovered.
- [4] IMDb reviews.
- An LJfag's review of Twilight.
- FML edition
- Shitbook says communism is better that Twishit
- If you have to read Twilight, you might as well get shit-faced while you do it.
- The Wolfman "ripped off Twilight"
- The Anti Twilight Act
—Main twilight fanbase | ||
See Also
- 16-year-old girl
- Anti-Twilight Movement, the
- Ashley Greene Nudes
- Castlevania We hope the Belmonts will leave Dracula alone and kill Meyer instead.
- Eddward4eva
- Fifty Shades Of Grey - Shitty ripoff of Twilight that's just as fucking retarded, if not more than the shitstain it's based off of.
- Gloria Tesch
- Highgate Vampire, the - totally totally real vampire case with heavy homoerotic tension between antagonists
- Mars Defden
- Mary Sue
- Mormon
- My Immortal by Tera Gilesbie.
- My Life Is Twilight
- Nuttymadam
- Rosario + vampire Edward's cousin Moka star's in her own animu
- Royal Family, The - how to do it properly and get away with it for centuries
- Twilight Sparkle - The cancer is equal to Twilight but with more ponies.
- TwilightSucks - Oh yes it does!
- Twitard
- Vampires
- Vampires Suck - Not as good as you think.
- Werewolves
- Yaeba- A great way to show how much of a fan you are!
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Twilight is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
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Twilight is part of a series on Visit the Media Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article December 23, 2008 | ||
| Preceded by 1guy1jar |
Twilight | Succeeded by Christmas |
| Article of the Now June 20 & June 21, 2023 | ||
| Preceded by Men |
Twilight | Succeeded by Donald Buffkin |
