Dylan & Cole Sprouse

Dylan and Cole Sprouse are identical twins, former Disneyfags, and now useless nobodies. Recently Dylan proved that he's a bigger stud than his brother when his nudes were leaked.

Big Daddy

In the movie Big Daddy, the twins take turns playing the role of a kid named Julian McGrath who is cute but annoying, and Sonny Koufax is his adopted father. The two demonstrate their superior acting skills by pissing on everything in sight while constantly demanding to hear the "The Kangaroo Song." Children, adults and pedophiles all thought that Julian was adorable and the twins became famous as a result. Luckily for them, Shotacat didn't exist in 1999.

Disneyfags

Disney is infamous for dooming child actors to a future of drugs, pornography and post-sexual assault suicide. And to nobody's surprise, the Disney Channel eagerly gave the jailbait clones their own TV show.

The first was The Suite Life of Zack & Cody, it was followed by the so-original sequel The Suite Life on Deck. While the boys gained a following of pre-teens from these shows, most of their fans were older people who had seen Big Daddy in 1999.

When Dylan and Cole claimed these were "their" shows, Disney showed its bitches the door after they asked for creative control. Dylan cried to the media with his side of the story which they ran with, adding inches to his post-acting, ever-growing e-peen.

It's worth noting that while they were still technically clay molds of each other, distinguishing the two apart was no longer difficult because Disney had transformed Dylan into a young hambeast for chubby-chasing pedos.

Nice career you've got there.... annnnnnd it's gone

After the plug was pulled and The Suite Life was no longer sweet, the two faded into obscurity, existing only in ~~lifelong fan blog form~~ (archive). Not easily discouraged, the twins set out to conquer the internet. Dylan tried selling his artwork online and we know how that went. His brother on the other hand attempted to stay relevant by creating a blog so he could troll his fans. Nobody cared. Everyone assumed that, being former Disneyfags, they were either on drugs or prostituting on the streets of New York.

Pedo prayers get answered

Just when the spotlight had almost completely faded, a miracle happened. A scathing ex-girlfriend (or publicity stunt) leaked Dylan's 21-year-old package to the internets. This was followed by an accusation that Dill Pickle was working as a waiter at a restaurant because he spent all his acting money on drugs and alcohol.

	“	So many pictures have gotten out that I’m now working as a host at a restaurant in NY. To clear up the air (which is admittedly pretty rude), I did not take this job because I “lost all my money”, I am financially secure, and took this job as a way to primarily feed my over bountiful video game addiction. I also too this as a way to try a new experience, working somewhat below the means I’m used to, as well as a way to socialize and get out of the house. I feel most comfortable when I’m working and doing something, to criticize someone of that is pretty odd. I will potentially return to acting someday, but in no way do I think any experience is a step down for me, but rather a new step in another direction.	„
	—Dylan

Seeing the possibility at being relevant once again and not wanting his salty ex to have the last laugh, Dill took to the king of media, ~~Howard Stern~~ TMZ. On television he addressed the ludicrous broke bitch accusations while proudly taking ownership of his tiny penis. Not wanting to be foreshadowed by his older brother, Cole tweeted lame jokes about the size of his brother's junk when instead he should have "leaked" his own nudes.

In regards to my pictures…

I figured I would write my thoughts on it all. After having a night to sleep on it and a day to reflect, I think there has been ample time to gather my thoughts while the encounter is still fresh.

First off, I will state that the reason I’m making light of the situation is because I don’t think what I did was wrong. To be blunt, I was proud of my progress in the gym, thought I looked hot, and wanted to share it. I’m of the mindset that whoever you are, if you are proud of your body and want to show it off, so be it! You do you. There is an odd taboo with the human form (especially in the USA) and I don’t particularly think its a good thing to teach people that you should “hide yourself” as something incredibly sacred. Blah blah blah, that’s a medieval notion.

Secondly, the real problem here was not me sending my pictures to someone, but rather, sending them to the WRONG someone. The real travesty is a misplaced trust, and while I am certainly to blame for it, it is a shame that my private life was somehow forcibly dragged into the public’s perception of me. What is wrong is that, generally I try to stay cool and collected with my prose and a role model for kids (maybe not anymore shamefully) and this seemingly inconsequential act will likely affect the youth’s impression of me. Not only that, but I worry somewhat for my artistic integrity, and my academic integrity. Not exactly ideal, but I’m to blame and I’ll look this incident in the eye like a man. I did it, but I’d be damned if I didn’t own that shit like Beyonce would want me to.

Finally though, and I think that this is the most important part, because of this, I gained 200,000 followers on twitter, 40,000 followers on tumblr, and 20,000 followers on instagram…. It seems to me that the majority of people are actually praising this act as some sort of device to receive fame (or infamy). Why? I have no clue, I don’t entirely condone it though. I’ll make it clear my intent was for this not to happen, and how it has affected me so positively is an enigma to me that rings true of the human condition. Maybe people just like to see others mess up? I’m German by blood, so I feel you on that.

tl;dr? I was proud of myself and my progress since I was 14 and husky, I’m not proud of this incident’s potential lasting effects on my academic and artistic integrity. But I’m making the best of it through humor and I’m getting this shirt made today:

I figured that if every interaction I have from here on is a chance of them having seen me like this, I may as well just show them anyways heh heh.

P.S. please stop sending me nudes you will not get any in return despite popular evidence

Even though Dylan enjoyed the attention on social media, he grew tired of the relentless "NUDES NOODS N00DZ" on his Instagram. Just as the news subsided, a second batch of nudes were leaked, this time showing him with fresh man juice all over his belly. He refused to admit the n00dz were his and instead claimed they were shooped, even though it's fucking obvious they are of the same guy in the same bathroom from which he claimed previous ownership of.