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Daniel Gauss
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Background
Daniel H. Gauss is a shell of a man, a failure as a father, and the cuckolded husband of Victoria A. Gauss (Vicki_Chic), a groupie who travels with his money. He spends his days working his ass off for a loving wife, in the hopes that he will support a loving family for his daughter. Sadly, he is on the road most of the time. Sadder still, so is the mother!
Once upon a time, mommy dearest decided it would be a perfectly wonderful idea to send her daughter to a boarding school where she will be kept isolated from all contact with friends and extended family for at least nine months, getting her out of the house so mom and dad can enjoy some quality time together. Or, more likely, apart. Nevertheless, with the kid out of the house, she's no longer forced to worry that her child will grow up like she does, forced to luck out by Jew, or in some other way fucking for it, she could then spend the rest of her years fucking shitty band members of a shitty band, and never ever putting out for Daniel. What did she get that GyneFlex for, anyway?
Fornits
All this would have gone just swimmingly had the girl not found Fornits, starting a huge white knight stampede and provoking lulz. You know you're going to have nothing but good, wholesome family fun when the first reply is from Pile of Dead Kids.
As it turns out, the "treatment center" they intend to send their daughter is a torture chamber run by sick fucks (Hmm, who couldn't have guessed that from the whole "nine months in isolation" bit?) which will cost him thousands of dollars a month and has bogus accreditation.
However, the very slimmest glimmer of hope that he can have his daughter 'fixed' despite his shitty non-parenting, as well as the non-parenting and shitty example setting of the mother, motivated both to desperately rationalize their horrible decision. The fact that she can be passed off and thus out of sight, out of mind, and someone else can take the blame for her not being a perfect middle class white girl might have factored in as well, but who knows? If only Vicki had an abortion instead, amirite?
Regardless, the girl did her homework, grabbed a pseudonym, found out what she was in for, and hilarity ensued.
Creepypasta
A highly helpful individual on fornits thought it would be useful to warn poor "Morgan" about what the program had in store, and thought this would somehow convince the parents into not sending her off:
I believe that the best choice for this thread will be to advice Morgan how to survive the program. When she arrives she will be taken to the campus we have not been able to locate, once her parents have left. It is located in the woods. They have about 50 girls in the program and half of them are in the woods. It is here they will break her. According to survivors on Myspace the staff is 18 year olds just out of the high school hired for their muscles. They are not able to give therapy, but they are good at breaking people down because giving such a young inexperienced person power to control the lives of others will result in abuse of power. How can Morgan avoid a beating? How can we prepare her for the possibility of a haircut, fingering of her private parts and the loss of rings, earrings, necklaces and her private clothes? How can we advice her to fake a breaking and confess something which would satisfy the counselor coming around once per month? It is the time now until the program, which is important. It is very important that her friends at school are ready to air memorial groups on community networks as if she has died the minute she goes to the program. It is important that she prepare herself by not acting out but to make her mentally ready to go to prison, so she has a strategy once she is forced to surrender herself at the academy. Her parents will never know what has taken place in the wood. They have been a tour of the campus for the good, but broken girls and it is a totally other environment, so she should prepare herself for something her parents would not believe the program has. It is a difficult task, but here on the board we have survivors. Please give her some good advice, so she can survive with as few scars as possible. According to the survivors on Myspace the program is a normal program which does not prepare the graduates for life, so she will have to work hard to catch up once she will be released.
Group Therapy Topics
A big part of 'therapy' in programs is forcing everyone to admit to every embarrassing, humiliating, personal, dangerous, threatening or sensitive thought, secret or fantasy - in a group setting! This includes but is by no means limited to phobias, traumas from the past, and the full litany of sexual thoughts. When these are exhausted, they are then generally encouraged to make up new ones, to prove they are working the program. Forcing teenage girls to discuss sexual details? Who came up with this?
Naturally, this means ED must compile the first list of things a 15 year old girl would have to admit to, or what they could be coerced into making up. For best effect, read this in your mind with the voice of a terrified teenage girl:
- I used my fingers.
- I humped things.
- I use the faucet/showerhead.
- I let the dog lick me.
- I used sharpies.
- I kissed a boy.
- I kissed a girl (and I liked it!)
- I gave a bj.
- I ate a girl.
- I ate ass.
- I had penetrative vaginal sex.
- I had penetrative anal sex.
- I gave sex with a strapon.
- I sold my body for money, like my mom!
- I fucked a dog.
- I fucked my mom, dad, dog, and the president so I could get another hit of coke while living on the street because I hadn't been saved by the program yet.
I'm sure the average EDiot could figure out where it goes from here, and how Morgan's parents feel this will surely help their child get a solid foundation to enter college at 18 without any emotional or academic problems at all! Straight INC was very fond of having the group facilitator announce they had a drug problem which made them fuck a dog; all the kids had to then make up such a story about how they fucked dogs while high. One can only imagine how far we've progressed in the past thirty years!
With any luck, she'll quickly progress in the program and then can move on to other more pressing subjects, such as coping with being raised by idiots, being stuck in a fucked up program in the wilderness, and being on ED.
Reaction
At this juncture, any reasonable man with a functioning pair of testicles would have said that Jew to send his daughter to be sexually probed, instead telling his wife where to go and enjoying a sammich.
—Daniel Gauss, admitting his lack of manhood | ||
—Yes, because that's what you should entrust your daughter's life to. Your wife's spirit guides. | ||
The tears start rolling in
As can be expected, the denizens of fornits sense butthurt - and the light of day, for that matter - and immediately begin a campaign of tears to avoid further purification by lulz.
Not soon thereafter, fornits poster SUCK IT decided it would be a good idea to try to put a cork on this big bottle of lulz. Naturally, reversion and vandalism is the last thing that will EVER work on ED, and after getting a warm hellogoodbye, the fag got banned for being an unfunny loser.
Upon his timely banning, gigantic faggot Flex Wheeler decided to threaten an EDiot on fornits in some attempt to stop the lulz or the spread of hilarity and general ownage. Naturally, here at ED, we laugh at internet tough guys and call them stupid, fuck their mom and then tell them how bad her cunt smells - and how loose it is.
IF ONLY SHE HAD GYNEFLEX. IF ONLY BILLY MAYS COULD STILL SELL THEM. WHO KNOWS? MAYBE HE COULD SPEAK TO THE SPIRIT GUIDES AND TELL THEM TO QUIT BEING STUPID NIGGERS! Flex really loves the Guesses, or, is in fact one of them in disguise. Anonymous could not be reached for comment, but approves the attempt made at hiding who he is.
Whooter hears a Who
Busybody John Reuben, who is also a general fucktard, dickless loser and spineless big-mouth better known as Whooter (formerly "the who") caught wind of an attempt at keeping a kid from a program, and more importantly, Jew, and stepped in as only a true man of genius could.
Now, this is far from the only genius thing Johnny has done in recent memory - or for that matter, on fornits at all. Nevertheless, it's better to see for yourself.