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CaptAWB1
—AWB, apforums.net | ||
CaptAWB1, (which stands for A Whiny Bitch) is an Evangelion fanboy, attention whore, owner of a fag forum called GameDls, and all around faggot who attempts to feed off the pity of others with his emo bullshit. He also has a tiny raging boner for Rose.
I Was Strolling Through the Arlong Park One Day
When he first started Arlong Park Forums, he quickly hit it off with a popular member, CosmicDebris. At that time he went by Captain AWB1. This random association of words befuddled Cosmic. She said it reminded her of A&W Root Beer. This was so hilarious, it ended up being his sig briefly when he was still starting out. Now Cosmic and Captain AWB1 were the best of friends; he compliments any/all of her DeviantART endeavors, like every other female artist at AP forums. This ensures him a nice seat next to them in this circle of friends.
However, this paradise was tainted by the presence of Arlong Park's resident "funny" guy, Cap'n Carter. Carter's shrewd, tactless way with words made AWB BAWWWWWWWW countless times since their first encounter. Andrew hates him and Carter has yet to give a fuck about this.
As if AWB's life couldn't get any worse, this 18-year-old man's mother did not approve of him going to forums, so she made him request a ban from the mods. The friends he made, all of which he had complimented in the past, BAWWWWWWWWWED at the horrible news.
It was then this sly, clever fox found a way around getting banned! Using his fondest memory, he renamed himself...
PASS
THE
ROOTBEER!
A hero was reborn!
Violence Against Minors
At this point the lollercoaster was just getting started at Arlong Park, it would soon pick up speed as AWB realized he needed more attention to survive. He began to spew out even more unbelievable BS in his LiveJournal account by the truckloads. Here's a favorite entry:
Skipped work. Went to a donut place to met up with Raffi, an old friend from High School I haven't seen in a while. He brought his brother along. I hate him. He's such an asshole. He's like cap'n carter: he thinks being annoying and mocking others in not only hilarious, but it's also his way of life. Let's just say he said a few bad jokes about my mom too many, even after I told him to stop. It wasn't until his 'Mom eating up dirt' joke that I lost it, and did something completely out of character.
I grabbed him by the throat, choking him. I waited until he was finished coughing up donuts, then slammed his head onto the table. Then I poured my bottle of cum down his pants, told him to go fuck himself, and left. Normally I'd regret doing such things, but not this time. I don't care if his parents are screaming and screeching at my door. He deserved it so badly.
And that, folks, is why I don't socialize."
Oh My God! They Killed Kenny I
The day started out well because AWB decided to go out and have some fun. And that, is eventually what made it so horrible.
The Captain headed down to the local gay district, using the bus for the first time ever to get there. He then frolicked about all day buying animu and doing a plethora of other interesting things. After awhile he began to feel urges to go home to his mother, but the urges subsided when he found out Shrek the 3rd was playing at the Mann Theater.
The film was arlight, btw. Not worth the 10 bucks.
Then he came home, having been gone for over 9000 hours. He saw his mother lying on the bed, mouth open, lips encrusted with semen, ass wide open. He whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said Shrek and it had dead moms in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought "Nah, forget it. Yo homes, to Bel-Air!"
Had he gone home instead of seeing SHREK he could have prevented her death.
Instead of calling paramedics or the proper authorities upon her death, he decided the best course of action was to go onto the internet and post a scathing review of Shrek the 3rd, with his mother's death as a footnote. Then he posted the obligatory "Oh my god mom is dead what am I going to do I need attention to get me through this grief," all the while masturbating and getting in a money shot on his mother's pale face, so he could see what it was like to coat a human female with his manload.
Of course, anyone who's just lost a parent would totally spend all their time online talking about it, amirite? However, with his mom out of the picture, he cast aside his Pass the Rootbeer name and renamed himself AWB. Faggotry still coming out at optimum efficiency.
Who REALLY Murdered CaptAWB1's mom?!
- Niggers
- Chris Benoit
- Hitler
- George Zimmer
- Some Puerto Rican Guy
- Tay Zonday (synonymous with Niggers)
- You
- Alcoholism
- Niggers
- Gary Oak
- Niggers
Oh My God! They Killed Kenny II
After a while, many Anti-lulz people began to show themselves at Arlong Park. One of them, Quexinos, was so gung-ho and convinced the internet was serious business, she started her own forum. Fun Piece forums!! AWB, and several others, quickly migrated over there taking most of Arlong Park's lulz with it. AWB and Quexinos got along quite well, even having an internet wedding at one point. Of course by now, we all know he falls in love with any vagina who talks to him due to his tiny dick and lack of titty from mommy. Things couldn't have been better for AWB, as he was even given special Member Plus status by Quexinos herself.
All was well until he began posting about his fuck buddy Ami who was being abused by her ex boyfriend, Jake. Several people were already suspicious, because nobody in their right mind would fuck this loser. However, some Fun Piecers were concerned about Ami's well being, as well as AWB's own safety, since Jake had all ready put Ami in the hospital once. Rather than quit while he was ahead, he kept the charade up and the story became more complicated, involving everything from Jake beating Ami and pissing on her, to Jake being arrested only to be let go days later.
After letting the story build up, it ended with this brilliant post:
Ami's dead. She's frigging dead.
And I'll give you all one guess as to who murdered her in cold blood.
I can't believe it. But in a way, I sorta can. In 2005, my grandmother died a few months short of me graduating from high school. In 2006, my grandfather died. In 2007, my mother died. I was expecting someone else I loved to die thsi year, just not Ami and not so soon.
God damn it.
I just want to kill Jake so much right now and then crawl into a ball in my bed and die.
Quexinos, proving she isn't as stupid as she looks, became suspicious of this being true when AWB didn't leave the forum all day and spent the day refreshing the page. Not only that, but the details of the events were lulz worthy as AWB reported that the parents witnessed the whole thing but did nothing to prevent it.
So, apparently all it takes to stop two parents watching their child being murdered, is a punch in the jaw. After this amazing turn of events, two other members, Kingoffags and Gerchak, began calling him out on his bullshit when they couldn't find any media coverage of the murder and couldn't swallow the obvious fabrication that Ami's parents could do nothing while she was being killed in front of them. Agreeing with them, Quexinos gave him a week to prove his claim.
Realizing he only had a week to come up with some kind of bogus news article or a new lie to cover up the old one, he used all his cunning to come up with a lie for the Guinness Book Of Lulz.
Yes, you read that right. Ami's parents were the liars and AWB is the innocent victim. It was all part of a brilliant ploy to make Jake think he killed her without actually killing her or giving her any life threatening injuries. ALSO IT'S SUPER DUPER SECRET SO THAT'S WHY IT MUST BE POSTED ONLINE
This was the final nail in the coffin for our dear bullshitting friend and he was banned off Fun Piece and forever branded the piece of shit that he is.
Leaving the Internet, Back in 5 Mins
Instead of learning a lesson from losing all his friends, the faggot tried one last time to gain pity from anyone who'd listen with a standard "I'M LEAVING!" message.
I had to lose soniquefus and get a two week ban from Fun Piece because of Ami's half-assed plan. **(Notice how it's Ami's plan now, and not her parents. You know, if you tell the truth, you don't have to have a good memory)** Yeah, I'll defend this tale to the very end. I want this to end. I haven't done anything wrong. Oh, how can I fix this?
That's what I'd usually say, but that's different now.
I was talking to Ami on the phone today, asker her to set up a time to meet for me to get a picture of her that Dr. Anime wanted. She, being an internet-shy woman, said no. I argued with her, claiming I really needed this to defend myself, but she wouldn't do it. I yelled at her, insulted her, and swore never to talk to her again. She said the same. And then I thought "I just broke up all connections with the woman I jerked off to".
So I lost two women I loved. Ami and Soniquefus (Yes, I was in love with her at one point) Then I thought, "Fuck it I'll go rape Rose and Tori"
Now, I don't really care what people think about me on this issue. I'm dropping it. And I'm not returning to Fun Piece, or even LiveJournal. Because my fate sucks. I did nothing, and I pay for someone else's mistakes. My life is a joke, a big joke. Fate will continue to kick me in the balls and laugh at me when I'm down.
Moar tl;dr BS and then...
That being said, thanks for the drugs I call my memories of you all. I enjoyed them a little too much.
Bye
This is a 21 year old man, folks. Whatever, loser, see you in a week.
He's back!
After announcing that he's leaving the Internet FOREVER AND NEVER TO COME BACK!!! Our dramatic dumbass made his totally unexpected return to Fag Piece after he was unbanned.
But since things seemed to have gotten sour, I have a few things to say.
First off, I will not be answering any questions about the banning. I live in the present, not the past.
Secondly, although originally upset with the banning, I have grown content with it and have gone on to accept it. (See below)
Third, although I didn't plan on returning, I have come back because Rose asked me to. This person kept in contact with me, and has told me a few controversies that have transpirited on account of my banning. Heh, that's all I have to say.
Okay, now for the last serious part. My belief is that the captain's decision is finale. You have to go with it even if you don't agree with it, even if you suffef for it. Shisky's reasons for banning me were justifiable enough for her to make her decision acceptable. And I don't blame her for the ban. Besides, I've coped.
So, yeah, I'm back. Let's see. Everything's the same? All my pms still there? Check. Usopp looking like a snobby rich Brit in my avatar? Check. Shameless pairing with equally shameless semi-nonsequitur message for a sig? Check. KOF, SuperMegaBroBro, Mishap, & Tamagon heading the ignore list? Check. Friends heading the friends list? Check? Still the highest post count? Check check check!
The banning was actually a blessing in disguise. It taught me that "Well, the places I apply for aren't calling back, so I'll surf the internet to pass the time" isn't an excuse. I'm getting out in the world, now. I'm learning to play the saxophone, I'm doing volunteer work. It's nice.
Oh, and I'll be gone from Monday to Wednesday because I'm moving to a new house.
And just to prove I truely harbor no hard feeling towards Shisky....... *grabs her by the shoulders and gives her a 20 second long kiss*
Banned again
After getting unbanned from Fag Piece, AWB has been chillin' it, spending most of his days getting into retarded arguments, while at the same time, pissing off pretty much everyone on Fun Piece.
One fateful day on Fag Piece, AWB got into a fight with Jah, a bat shit One Piece fan. Quexinos had enough, and banned AWB.
Cosplay
Recently, to fill in the gap in his soul that was messily eaten out and fucked repeatedly by Shrek, AWB has turned to the fine art of cosplay, popular pastime of weeaboos and various other internet faggots.
His debut into the exciting world of dress-up gayness was a slapped together costume of Brook, a living skeleton from One Piece. Utilizing a girdle to hide some of his big bones, a skull mask stolen from an 8-year-old, a Dollar Store skeleton shirt left over from Halloween, construction paper for a shitty hat, and stolen negro pubic hair for a wig, he trompted around some gay con searching for some dick. Much to his dismay, he was commonly mistaken as "Jack Skellington" as well as properly labeled as a faggot, with constant jeers and objects thrown at him. The skull mask was very handy for hiding the tear.
His most recent and future costumed Holocaust will be of Leeron, a big gay homosexual queer from Gurren Lagann. He's moving slightly in the right direction because the character in question craves dick almost as much as he does, but it's also several steps backwards because the character is also not 300 pounds, and wears very tight clothing. In other words, this is a recipe for horror and blindness. Because of his use of makeup in this venture, it is speculated that he is attempting to emulate his loving and very dead mother. Cosplay enthusiasts all over hope he will grow a fucking brain, realize how ugly and fat he is, and stop it. Good news! Jesus listened to your players and it seems he has reconsidered his choice of character (moar lyk he was too poor to buy the Leeron costume, amirite?):
Anyway, I'll be posting a pic of myself after I get my hair dyed black next week for my Dr. Peace cosplay.
Everyone knows this is a lie, and he is in fact now a basement goth, crying emo tears for his dead mom and zombie girlfriend Ami.
-
-
Oh dear lord -
This eyeshadow is so not my color! -
/cgl/ as helpful and loving as always -
my cosplay is safe
Links
Arlong Park Forums, a lolcow farm in its own rightsBanned!
CaptainRootbeer- NO EXCEPTIONS
- DevianTART account. He's even entered the realm of trace faggotry.
- Fun Piece Forums, he goes under the name "AWB" and gets banned and unbanned frequently.
- http://www.gamedls.com/ he owns this fagsite
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