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The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
The newest in a long line of overrated Nintendo games, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (BotW, not to be confused with BBW) is the unholy aborted love-child of Dark Souls, No Man's Sky, and every newer Ubisoft title, complete with fucking Ubisoft towers. Don't forget to buy the two expansion passes from the lovely folks at Nintendo!
Gameplay
Weapons degradation
Do you like being interrupted every thirty seconds to change weapons, since they break easier than styrofoam? Then Breath of the Wild is the game just for you, because nothing is better than having to pause the combat just to change weapon.
You'll see this text a lot
70% of Breath of the Wild
Map bigger than Skyrim
If you have heard the claims of Nintendo PR, you might have heard that the map is many times bigger than the map of Skyrim. But there is fuck all to do but collect useless shit. Virtually no side quests. There is nothing. It is empty as the claims of the creators of No Man's Sky, a game that actually had more happening than BotW.
In order to confirm this one just has to see how long it takes to 100% the game: It clocks in at just 80 hours, which is less than Borderlands 2, The Witcher 3, Fallout 4 and many other games. This for a game where you'll spend most of your time doing fuck all. In fact, the main story, shitty side quests, and pointless cooking and collection minigames are all only just a small insignificant part of the game that can be finished in less than a week and instead you'll spend the majority of your fucking time doing Shrine and Korok quests, which make up the majority of the barely existing content in this game and involve you traveling over every nook and cranny of this empty void in search of these shitty shrines or hiding manchild Koroks only to complete their stupidly short and simple minigame challenges, which quickly become repetitive before even completing the first half of the game.
To further add to massive void of absolute nothing going on in this game, the game's setting is almost completely uninhabited other than 9 "towns" which are each basically smaller than your average 5 house cul de sac (with the exception of only one miserable village with little to do in it despite its size) and even the biggest towns only have a population of around 14 or 20 NPCs (if you're lucky) or barely over a handful in others, and each of the NPCs have absolutely no value whatsoever other than 1 or 2 relevant to the story per town (yet despite this, every NPC in this game is named and has a unique appearances despite actually doing fuck all), but that's okay because it's still slightly bigger and slightly more populated than Skyrim, and that's the only comparison that matters. Even when you travel across the endlessly empty fields, there's only a very small chance you'll actually run into another human elf being.
Only rarely will the other barely speaking villagers possibly give you something to do which involves pointless search and fetch sidequests rivaling Bethesda in terms of originality, challenge and entertainment. Only inhabited "town" in this game actually referred to as a "city" is actually one of the smallest, being nothing but a few caves in a volcano inhabited by about 14 or so gay rock men. Only inhabited town in this game that even looks like a city is Zora's Domain, but its buildings are actually just fancy-looking spires that serve no real purpose other than to look fancy while everyone in the domain actually live like hippies in one room where they sleep in small pools of water (except the king who just rests his fat ass on the throne all day and night).
There are a few horse stables scattered in the endless void, but they have little to offer other than being a place to store your horse and sleep at, and other than that, its mostly just small and insignificant bandit camps across the abyss. However, this is all apparently excusable according to fans because Ganon rekt Central Hyrule like the convenient plot device needed by Nintendo to avoid putting more effort into making their setting feel like a lush and populated environment full of life. Also, those little cottage villages seen scattered across Hyrule Field in the game's E3 trailer are nowhere in sight, with the game's actual cottages being about a handful in number and uninhabited (other than one in the middle of an icy tundra and one that had a ghost in it who disappears shortly after the game's optional tutorial is done) and these damn cottages are usually hidden by foliage or in the most obscure and hard to reach places.
We're not even going to discuss the game's complete lack of monster and animal variety. All you'll see the majority of the time are lizard men and pig men. Even the lush jungle in this game is devoid of much life other than a few wandering bison and more pig men, despite the screeches of monkeys in the distance.
Story
The exact same as all the other Zelda games. Save princess and kingdom. Defeat Ganon.
Timeline Placement (aka shit that don't matter)
Upon release, Zeldatards immediately tried to find out where in the irrelevant and barely canon timeline this shit game fits in, like they do with all the games upon release, despite that the timeline and the so called "deep lore" are mostly inconsistent, convoluted, ever-changing and overall bullshit simply used by Nintendo to sell shitty databooks and "encyclopedias" (such as the Hyrule Historia) to nerds with nothing better to do. Yet they continue to treat the lore and timeline shit as serious business, even though the creator of this series has said that he really doesn't give two shits about the lore or a good story as long as the gameplay works for him. In a somewhat humorous twist, it seems Nintendo decided to troll the lorefags by making the game impossible to place in the bullshit timeline due to it containing elements from all three of the diverging alternate timelines seen in the games and lore. Shortly after BOTW's release, a new encyclopedia was released that retconned the Hyrule Historia, made Majora's Mask (a favorite among lorefags) feel utterly pointless and didn't even bother to explain where BOTW fits in the timeline, triggering the fantards all the more.
Graphics
The E3 lie
Would you accept a downgrade like this if it was another company?
Final product looks nothing like this
Frame rate
Enjoy your dips to 20fps, retard. Not that 30fps is acceptable for an action game based on player input. And Ocarina Of Time's 18 fps is doesn't count!
Clearly GOTY
900p resolution
Lol is this 2002? The game is 720p if you got the Wii U version too.
It uses bilinear filtering
Bilinear filtering was obsolete in 2002, as trilinear was common around 98.
Breath of the Wild vs SJWs
Some time after the game's release, controversy and hilarious butthurt began to flood the net as countless trannies, tumblrinas and SJWs got triggered beyond reason when the player's character Link showed disgust when he encountered his first trap in the game. This naturally upset the headcanons of countless fairy boy-loving twinks who saw this as a bigoted betrayal committed by their favorite game company and their favorite fictional character who they always thought was a genderfluid pansexual sodomite (although given how much this elf twat looks more like a fucking faggot with each new game, one can't really call them too delusional). Many, such as IGN, Kotaku, Polygon, Gawker's surviving limbs and a few in the lamestream media began to throw shit fits at Nintendo's unforgivable "crime" against the laws of the Current Year. Many also took to youtube to express their massive butthurt, including ED's old but now unimportant fuck toy, Tom Preston. To sum it all up, it was absolutely PROBLEMATIC. The reason why this reaction caused such tremendous triggerings, despite that Japan does this kind of shit all the time, was because some were led to believe Link was going to be "genderfluid and progressive" due to interpreting trailers and previews using their own twisted logic. There was also much butthurt faggotry from those who claimed they were deeply triggered when Link was sexually molested by giant fairy women, seeing it as an insult to rape victims and some other bullshit reasons.
Despite this game's flaws, it has certainly earned a bit of our respect for causing so much drama and lulz.
Corey Bunnell
Shortly after the game's release, some Redditor who'd already beaten the game discovered the white gaijin name "Corey Bunnell" under "Wildlife Programming" in the credits next to all the Japanese programmers. The same guy later discovered that he made a post back in 2007 on a translator website about how he'd love to work at Nintendo (Not NoA, in Kyoto, actually designing games) one day while describing how he's been beating his meat to Mario and Miyamoto for years. As a high school senior, he took several exchange trips to the autistic's paradise of Japan to learn the language and get used to their batshit insanity. He later wasted four years at a Japanese university to learn Computer Science III. Nintendo finally hired him, giving every pasty, socially rejected Zelda player the impression that they could do it too if they picked up a C++ book.
An interview with the manchild. (Note the shitty subtitles, the Japanese can't translate for shit.)
It's hard to say if Nintendo will shitcan him, but it sure seems like he'll end up like Sean Connery's character in Finding Forrester in the next year or two.
The Sequel
See also
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The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article March 25 & 26, 2017 | ||
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