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Metal Gear Solid
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Did You Know: It's easier to watch Escape from New York than to play these games. |
Metal Gear Solid is a series of stealth games that have spawned sequels, drama and plenty of manly tears. The gameplay of any game in the series involves hiding around corners until oddly incompetent guards look the opposite direction so that you can run behind them, put them in a chokehold, ask them if they're Ames, and stuff their body in a locker. This is done in support of a convoluted plot involving nuclear weapons, nanotechnology and robots, war, and government conspiracy. For a similar IRL thrill, hide in the alleyway behind a lesbian bar looking for women to rape.
Like any Japanese game that is commercially successful in the U.S., Metal Gear Solid had spawned a massive cult-following that believes the series to be perfect, even during massive backtracking just to change the temperature of a fucking keycard. Despite having more plot twists and cliches than a Steven Seagal movie, by video game standards, the story gains kudos for being fairly deep and meaningful while being being repetitive, unoriginal and recycling character designs with each sequel. The series is the brainchild of Hideo Kojima, who is arguably the biggest troll in video game history. The series has been known to be 99.9% cutscenes. Worth noting is the lack of variety in character's names. There is Solid Snake (who ages a few years and gets called Old Snake), Liquid Snake, Solidus Snake, and Naked Snake (later called Big Boss (not to be confused with The Boss)).
Recurring themes
Before discussing the individual titles, many themes are repeated over the course of most, if not all these games.
- All about preventing nukes, nukes, and more nukes from being used.
- Playable character is codenamed Snake, characterised by a strong build, sneaking suit, unshaven face and a bandanna.
- The console of choice is usually a Playstation of some kind.
- Oddly incompetent enemy AI (making this game suitable for stupid kids like yourself)
- Guards can't see shit more than 10 metres away.
- Guards patrolling along fixed routes making them predictable.
- What's that? Who's there? Who's that?
- Upon being detected by an enemy, a red exclamation mark appears above their head.
- When in alert mode, the enemies are nice enough to shoot now and then, use burst-fire and not be trigger happy when aiming at you.
- Gunfights with numerous soldiers which is your fault because you are going to places where you shouldn't be.
- All this shit that's been happening is all about or has something to do with Big Boss.
- Some anonymous person attempts to contact you via codec to give you hints and their identity is inevitably revealed later.
- A nigger of some kind including Sigint or Fortune.
- A blonde woman of some kind including Sniper Wolf, EVA or Cecile.
- A scientist, usually of the Emmerich family such as Hal (a.k.a Otacon).
- Suppressed pistols (M1911, SOCOM, M9, etc.) being more useful than assault rifles (AK-47, M16A1, FAMAS, etc.) in most situations.
- Using cardboard boxes to evade detection.
- (Solid Snake era) A cyborg ninja will come by employing uber lightning fast reflexes with a high frequency blade and will cut up almost and motherfucker in their way.
- (Post Metal Gear Solid 1) Being encouraged to take down living enemies through non-lethal means.
- Take down an aircraft of some kind, such as a Hind helicopter or Harrier.
- Someone on a frequency of 140.85, usually Roy Campbell who will assist a moronic Snake.
- You will come close to sabotaging a Metal Gear but will end up fighting an operational Metal Gear anyway.
- Being able to survive being run over by a tank, hit by HEAT missiles and other things capable of killing a normal person immediately.
- A superhuman who can move faster than Usain bolt and
throwshands out knives as fast as guns fire bullets (Vamp or Gene). - Chaff grenades somehow rendering all electronics temporarily useless in the immediate area.
- A cunt under the guise of someone giving useless advice will actually be the one who betrays you.
- Snake gets tortured one way or another.
- BUTTON MASHING TO PRESERVE YOUR LIFE during the torture, the more biologically inferior sub-humans who struggle to get past this either:
- Asks someone on the internet to do it for them by uploading their save file.
- Asks someone more biologically superior than they are to do the job.
- Stops playing altogether.
- Escape imprisonment, may takes days or even weeks to find out or in the case of the most retarded of players, seek help from someone, such as the interwebz.
- Stealth Camouflage, a device that makes you optically invisible which is earned upon completing certain requirements, making sneaking around almost useless but allows you to punch guards without being seen for the lulz.
- Melee/fist fight as one of the last battles.
- A conversation/phone call at the end of the game about useless shit, with the current game's logo in white font imposed on a black background and.
Metal Gear and Metal Gear 2
Unless you were one of the 20 people who actually owned an MSX2, these games need not concern you. You could just read the plot summary of these games that comes with MGS1.
Metal Gear:
Solid Snake must infiltrate a secret facility inhabited by an elite terrorist group and destroy the ultimate weapon: Metal Gear. After he succeeds we learn the true identity of their leader, it's really Big Boss.
Metal Gear 2:
Solid Snake must infiltrate a secret facility inhabited by an elite terrorist group and destroy the ultimate weapon: Metal Gear. After he succeeds we learn the true identity of their leader, it's really Big Boss.
Metal Gear is known worldwide for being one of the best games EVAR (rivaled only by Superman 64), but don't tell the Angry Nintendo Nerd.
Metal Gear Solid
The game revolves around our GAR hero Solid Snake, who must take down his brother Liquid before he uses a Metal Gear to launch a nuke. It is somehow a shock that Liquid has a Metal Gear, despite "Metal Gear" being in the title of the game. Clearly, the Japanese have out American-ed the Americans in thinking up shitty plots.
Snake is supported by Meryl Jew, a barely legal soldier whose ass is an important plot point, and Otacon (moar liek Shotacon, amirite?), a weeaboo who built Metal Gear because he always dreamed of creating an anime-inspired mecha. Yes, really. Snake later meets his old friend Gray Fox, who begs Snake to punch and kick him as he screams in ecstasy for more. Seriously.
Snake goes on to defeat the members of FOXHOUND, all of whom spout cod-philosophy from people that take longer to die than Willem Dafoe in Platoon. In a roughly ten-minute period, Snake discovers that Master Miller is dead, Liquid Snake is impersonating him, Snake is actually a clone of Big Boss and has been infected with FoxDie, and that Naomi Hunter is Gray Fox's adoptive sister. You find all this out through CODEC, which have no emotion or drama.
Metal Gear is destroyed and Liquid is defeated in a topless fistfight on top of a robot, before he finally succumbs to FoxDie. If the player survived the torture segment mid-game, Snake rides off into the sunset with Meryl for a week of hot Alaskan sex as promised earlier when she wasn't in the right state of mind.
—Meryl to Snake, being trolled by Psycho Mantis. | ||
If the player failed, however, he is punished with a sequence of awkward, semi-romantic banter between Snake and Otacon as they too ride off together.
—Otacon to Snake, in a romantic scene. | ||
Metal Gear Solid 2
Snake has thrown away life with Meryl to live and travel the world with Otacon, destroying Metal Gears along the way. Perhaps the most hyped game of the series, MGS fans looked forward to a new game with their manly hero. About an hour into the game, however, Snake is replaced with the kawaii, sexually ambiguous protagonist known as Raiden. The fact that Raiden's presence was a secret until the game's release only served to make the Sony fanboy tears all the more delicious. The fanboys were too retarded to see that Hideo Kojima was actually performing the most epic troll in video game history, and actually thought this game was serious business and demanded answers to all of the deep questions, like what the fuck is up with that Revolver fag's Eurotrash arm? Since there are a lot of these retards that wouldn't shut the fuck up about these things for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS, Kojima finally caved in and pulled some uninspired nonsense out of his ass (see Metal Gear Solid 4 below). Raiden's kawaii appearance aroused opportunity for certain individuals to perform sexual acts towards him as the President himself actually gropes Raiden only in his disappointment to find out Raiden is actually a man. Game bosses include Fortune some black person woman running around in a bathing suit with a big gun. She can't be hit by bullets which equates to the worst boss battles in game history, where you are forced to run around in circles until Kojima gets bored fucking with you. Next is Fatman, some gay ass bomber named after the nuke dropped on Japan, he's a fat fuck on roller blades who considers himself an artist. Vamp is a vampire who isn't a vampire but acts like a vampire because some weird shit with nanomachines that make him heal fast. He just happens to be Romanian and drink blood. He is bisexual and wants to make sweet sweet love to Raiden. The last boss is yet another Snake, Solidus Snake. He duel weilds a katana and wakizashi.
Metal Gear Solid 3
The game that made /v/ both mature slightly and realize its raging homosexuality. The game stars a young Big Boss, who is perhaps the most manly video game character in history, and whom /v/ has a massive mancrush on. The plot and characters, despite being wafer-thin parodies of every Bond movie, are far easier to choke down than previous MGS installations. This is because Hideo Kojima did not want to even attempt to make sense of Metal Gear Solid 2, so he got in a fucking time machine to get the fuck away from that thing.
The story consists of Big Boss crawling through shit and mud and jungle the entire game, while dodging not only enemies, but HOLY SHIT WILD ANIMALS!!
After you've crawled through enough jungle, you are rewarded with more jungle, followed by some cliffs, and eventually, some forest, but not before more jungle. There's also a few buildings conveniently located along the conveniently beaten track.
Only to find out that Eva was a Chinese spy, and using Big Boss for her own slutty agenda at the end of the game.
Big Boss, being enraged at the betrayal of the jungle, goes and shits on The Boss's grave.
Whom he killed at the end of the game. Oops.
The Fury, a member of the redshirt Cobra Unit, is one of 7chan's mascots. You also fight Santa in a ghilliesuit. You also fight a dislocated spastic and a ghost who has a gun full of souls of the people you killed.
What if...
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Snake is only in this game because his creator sucked Masahiro Sakurai's cock for it. Meanwhile, Snake attempts to get in to Zelda's and Samus's pants but fails because he can't make a fucking pickup line that actually makes sense to save his life. These ladies do not approve. Oh yeah he also hates that blue furry hedgehog faggot.
Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops
Metal Gear Solid for the PSP. Even more convulted than 2. The story is something about the Russians abandoning a nuclear facility in South America, and Fox going renegade by giving Metal Gear to the Soviets, but wait it's actually a plot by the CIA to keep the cold war going. This revelation is followed by over 9000 plot twists. The game uses a recruit system where you tranquilize unsuspecting victims and drag them to the back of your truck so they can be converted to your side. This system simply creates cannon fodder to send out against the various bosses before you wipe them out with Snake. Recruits aren't worth it, because you'll end up just wanting to play as Big Boss anyway. Grey Fox was a child soldier called Frank Jaeger(hunter) because of his killing technique. He was saved by Big Boss. Big Boss fights him again as Null, and rescues him again. Then in their spare time developed the Jagerbomb to get his fellow soldiers drunk. Then Snake goes after the black person who sexually abused him in torture rooms. The real injury Cunningham sustained was because he ate too much KFC and had his leg amputated because the fat had blocked his arteries in his leg, he tells lies which the game is full of anyway. Then Naked Snake defeats Gene, the leader of the rebellion who is a knife-throwing boss with incredibly fast reflexes which is just like Vamp from other MGS games, once again Kojima was running out of ideas so decided to recycle older bosses. Sorry that should have had a spoiler alert. The best thing to ever come from Portable Ops is without a doubt, nullface
But wait, what's this?! A sequel game came out name Metal Gear Solid Portable Ops...+. It has no twisting story line, but you do get to do challenges! Plus, online, they updated it with Chat Rooms, and some other shit nobody cares about. In chat rooms you can have fun tea bagging, cybering, watching cybering, talking about crap, taking pictures of cybering, enjoy calling people/being called a noob, and even talk about more shit nobody cares about!
Metal Gear Solid 4: The Movie
Snake acquires a banana at the start of the game and procedes to fuck it for 2 hours and 31 minutes. If you stay and watch the whole time you win the game. Oh, and there's a monkey that's addicted to malt liquor.
Also, how non-fags actually see this game movie:
Metal Gear Online
Moar info: Metal Gear Online.
Metal Gear Solid: Rising
This one involves Raiden. Commence fangirls. In another trolling maneuver, Kojima changed the tagline from Tactical Espionage Action to Lightning Bolt Action, further acknowledging Raiden's personality. Also, coming to the 360. The fact that it will be on the 360 caused major butthurt upon PS3 fags, as Kojima is an epic troll, although they'll attempt to make people think otherwise by spewing sad half-excuses like "not true considering it's Raiden and we don't give a fuck", just like they eventually disregarded Square Enix's master stroke of porting Final Fantasy XIII to the 360 while the Versus piece of shit and XIV's online piece of shit remain exclusive to their shitty Blu-ray player.
Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker Piss Walka
(moonspeak)
Now that Big Boss a.k.a Naked Snake has established his own mercenary group he can have orgies every night with them in addition to wrestling them with new "CQC" maneovures on rainy beaches or with random men in Costa Rica or throughout South America to join his cause.
It's about Americans taking over Costa Rica as they bring shitloads of weapons and men because Costa Rica is too pussy to have their own army and need to party. Big Boss accepts a plea from a barely legal 16-year-old girl and a professor to remove Americunts from their peaceful country as some bored group of faggots named Peace Sentinels try to take part in America's world domination following the footsteps of the Nazis, once again nukes, nukes and more nukes.
The Militaires Sans Frontieres symbol depicts a skull which is a symbol of death, ironic as the game grades you higher on less enemy casualties and general mayhem which alerts enemies.
The game also features unrealistically advanced technology and weapons including Soliton Radar and unmanned talking war machines that shouldn't even exist until the 21st century or let alone appear in a Cold War era Metal Gear Solid game. There are new weapons and equipment such as the M60 machine gun which seems more like drooling bullets than spitting them and the Love Box for two amorous players which is self-explanatory.
Aside from the unoriginality of recycling character designs from previous games there are only a handful of new weapons which if the Special Forces acquired them now they would have found Osama Bin Laden and killed all the filthy raghead terrorists ages ago.
But don't worry you can even hurt or destroy a tank with a mere pistol, sub-machine gun or assault rifle. With the addition of co-op mode you and your buddy can now bitchslap enemy soldiers as he writhes and struggles in your buddy's grasp, take turns teabagging a downed soldier and even play with maximum of four players nearby for a great foursome which you were only able to do with random fags on the internet in Metal Gear Online!
Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker Characters
- Snake/Big Boss: A pedophile and a bisexual man who only can fight and is only able to fight, has no sense of class or taste just like a typical Metal Gear Solid gamer.
- Miller: Pseudo-weaboo Americunt who is gay with Snake and "helps" himself to Snake.
- Huey: The worst stereotypes you can think of in one person, a cripple, a nerd and aesthetically not pleasing. Needs to absolutely harden the fuck up as suggested by his would-be partner.
- Dr. Strangelove: A lesbian dyke especially represented by her mosquito-bite sized boobs compared to her other female peers.
- Cecile: One of the only females that are at least good looking enough and is there for the MSF boys to enjoy a gangbang to "increase their morale".
- Amanda: A recycled Meryl Sylverburgh from Metal Gear Solid 1.
- Chico: A 12 year old boy with a spic accent who wouldn't shut the fuck up about monsters and other shit nobody cares about. Beaten by Ardi Rizal the smoking baby as one of the youngest children to smoke, thanks to Amanda preventing him from smoking.
- Paz: Pedobait of an innocent looking 16 year old girl who eventually would troll fanboys especially with her true identity and a Paz, in my Metal Gear?
- Coldman: Time and time an antagonist is always present in a Metal Gear Solid who can't help launch a nuke like he needs to take a big shit on the world almost literally. This time the bad guy is an ugly, crazy, bald Americunt. He is introduced pushing a weelchair bound cripple down the stairs. No srsly.
Media
This game is known for its masculinity but a barely legal bitch showing off her vocal talent along with a quick flash of her mosquito-bite sized mammories (they're covered you pervert) as part of the epic trolling attempts by Kojima and his crew of course to appeal to basement dwelling Jap fanboys of Metal Gear Solid. The supposedly more m3nly fanboys of MGS are now BAWWWWing at the fact the unlikely elements of pop and warfare have fucked each other in the ass to make this.
Proof Miller and Big Boss are actually gay with each other.
You are 12 years old and what is this? Like a typical Japanese game they often cater to pedophiles like you and Big Boss. But don't worry Hideo tries to make sure you kids grow up to be a pedophile if you aren't one yet thanks to the Teen rating of this game.
External Links
http://www.metalgearsolid.org/ (RECENTLY 404'd LOL)
Gay website devoted to sucking all that is MGS2's dick. Everyone is a dick-sucker, a mod or has been b& for expressing their opinions. Troll them by saying how MGS4 is the best in the series and you liked how Big Boss came back from the dead. Then again this happens on the forums every day but you can help the mods embrace the idea of becoming an hero. Also, call the mods basement dwellers (which they are) and watch them throw a lulzy shitfit. Recently sold to a Mexican for at least $1500.
Maintained by easily butthurt faggots (the moderating staff isn't much better). Won't allow threads that explain why MGS4 is such an awful game.
http://www.kojimaproductions.net/
After the above site 404'd, most of the moderators and key members moved here. Since the site is new it's not surprising that there isn't as much trolling, so get on that shit. The same rules apply as the above site. Troll them by saying how MGS4 is the best in the series and that Rising looks amazing. Also point out how much of a faggot Raiden was in MGS2 and how MGS4 and Rising fixed that problem. Oh, and also point out how gay the MSX games were (especially Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake), and how much of a hero Big Boss is.
A decent site run by a sand nigger. Impervious to obvious trolling, unlike the above.
A gay fanfic site run by a wannabe Metal Gear Solid.org mod.'Nuff said.
http://amyjsmylie.deviantart.com/art/MGS3-Boss-Sorrow-Dansen-108923370?q=1&qo=1
Metal Gear Solid 3 with another flavour of faggotry.
Gameplay
There is always bound to be sexual innuendo in these games.
Why does the grunting in this video just accompany the scene so well?
Metal Gear Awesome
Metal Gear Awesome is perhaps the best summary of MGS1's plot and gameplay, but has since been baleeted from YouTube. Made by Egoraptor (the embodiment of everything that is wrong with Newgrounds). If you can bear the faggotry that is Newgrounds, click below:
See Also
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Metal Gear Solid is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |