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Call of Duty: Black Ops 2

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Call of Duty: Black Ops 2, (aka Carl on Duty: Black Cops 2) is the latest game from the fags that brought you Call of Duty: World at War and Black Cocks.


Campaign

Alex Mason and his buddies got fucked over in South Africa during the 1980s and somehow unwittingly assisted a future Illuminati leader's plans for screwing the US in the ass. The majority of the game consists of everything getting blown to fuck, people getting torn up with machine guns and the unveiling of robotic military personnel.

Confirmed Characters

  • Alex Mason: The same brainwashed and crazy bastard from Black Cocks returns for the first half of the game.
  • David Mason: The loser son of a loser dad.
  • Frank Woods: HOLY SHIT FRANK WOODS SURVIVED HIS JIHAD AGAINST KRAVTCHENKO BUT WAS ROYALLY FUCKED IN THE LEGS SO HE'S NOW FORCED TO HELP WITH SPIC CONTROL!
  • Jason Hudson: James Bond ripoff who gets fucked over in Africa with Mason and Woods
  • Raul Mendez: A beaner who plays the role of antagonist. He can either be killed or caught.
  • Harper: The sarcastic badass for this game.
  • The US President: A wimminz, thus meaning she is some sockpuppet to the real president.

Multiplayer

Geyarch, looking to rearrange the Create-a-class system completely now allows players to create classes based on how much shit they put on. So you can have 3 perks minimum and you get 3 perks for each weapon you take off, so you can have all perks in the game and have only a knife to be a 1 man army. Sound familiar?

Also, the entire game can be read here (SPOILERS BE AHEAD) [1]

Confirmed Perks and Killstreaks

  • Ghost - Campers. Enough said.
  • Fast Hands - Throw grenades and swap weapons faster. Who exactly would benefit from this perk again?
  • Dexterity - Climb obstacles faster. In other words, useless.
  • Lightweight - Run faster like the pussy you are.
  • Flak Jacket - Protection from RPGs and 'nade spam.
  • Tactical Mask - A perk that prevents you from being fucked over by fart gas.
  • Coldblooded - Second perk Campers will largely benefit from.
  • UAV: Oh you'll never guess what this does after seeing it in every game since CoD4.
  • Care package: As with the UAV, it's the same shit from MW2 onward.
  • RC-XD: The nuke on wheels from Fag Ops that caused much rage and lulz is back.
  • Microwave Turret: A fictional turret.
  • Death Machine: A motherfucking Minigun. That is all.
  • Hellstorm Missile: A rocket launcher sent down to earth by god himself for 1 purpose only. To clear the entire map of Call of Duty players.
  • Multiple grenade launcher: Rapeage. Fire many grenades into one place for guaranteed lulz.
  • QR Drone: Copy of the Gunship pilot from Black Ops 1, except you now control a UAV and shoot enemies.
  • AI Tank: A small Assault Drone from MW3.
  • Sentry Gun: Gee Treyarch, you really caught people off guard with originality.
  • Orbital VSAT: The Niggerbird is back!
  • Single Seeker Drone: The Hand of God smites thee with unerring accuracy.
  • EMP: Redundant, since there's an EMP grenade.
  • Helicopter Gunner: Same shit from MW2.
  • Lodestar: Shoots at least 100 rockets onto the map.
  • Attack Dogs: Exactly what is says on the tin.
  • Drone Swarm: Futuristic wave of microbots that swarm the map and buttrape all enemies.

Weapons

All anyone usually cares about. Includes all concurrent weapons and revealed weapons from the spoiler.

Primary

Assault Rifle

  • AK-47: As every game from CoD4 onwards needs it's terrorist/nationalist weapon of choice, this faggy piece of shit returns to blow loads in the player's face.
  • AN-94: Reskin of the AK-47, pointless.
  • M16: Such an uncommon weapon, Treyarch.
  • Commando: Copypasta from the original Fag Ops.
  • Galil: Treyarch includes a weapon that no military in the world uses.
  • FN FAL: Moar like Fail, amirite?
  • Type 95: The FAGmas gets replaced by the same chink commie bullpup rifle from MW3. It will probably be even more overpowered than it was in that game.
  • Type 25: Treyarch pandering to the AZN fanbase by including more gook fire-power.
  • M4A1: The signature weapon of the US army.
  • M8A1: Nazi-trash, CoD protocol dictates at least one per title.
  • SCAR-H: Why Treyarch, why?

Submachine Gun

  • MP7: Looks like the AK74u of MW3 is back to cause more butthurt.
  • Vector K10: Copypasta from MW2.
  • Uzi: Useless SMG is useless.
  • Chicom: Bullpups are becoming more common, now there's a bullpup SMG.
  • PDW57: Fictional.

Light Machine Gun

  • Mk46: Shitstick that everyone will use because in MW3 it was rape incarnate.
  • LSAT: Britfag LMG.

Sniper Rifle

Shotgun

  • KSG: The Ruskie weapon that players became butthurt over in Black Ops due to it not being included in multiplayer.
  • M1216: Select fire shotgun.

Secondary

Handguns

  • M1911: The series' signature handgun.
  • KAP-40: Futuristic looking pistol.
  • Five-Seven: M9 Beretta replacement.
  • Raging Judge: A revolver, the token magnum handgun for a CoD game..
  • Beretta burst pistol: Probably the M93r from MW3.

Launcher

  • RPG: Included in the game for the same reason as the AK-47. As utilised by Niggers in the 1980s.
  • MM-1: Free-fire or lock-on fuckstick that nobody cares about.
  • FHJ-18 AA: A rocket with erectile disfunction.

Grenades

Lethal

  • Frag: Rendered obsolete by Semtex.
  • Semtex: An adhesive grenade that you'll hear detonating almost as much as Claymores.
  • Claymore: Renders Bouncing Betties obsolete.
  • Tomahawk: An axe that sounds badass when you throw it. You will always miss and get raped.
  • Bouncing Betty: Or 'Buttsecks Bitch', launches into the air and explodes, raping everyone.

Tactical

  • Flashbangs: Ghey, doesn't do shit.
  • Shock Charge: EMP renamed.
  • Smoke grenade: Causes butthurt on Hardcore due to the slight damage on detonation.
  • Concussion grenade: Does more shit than the Flashbangs.
  • Tactical Insertion: Boosting. That is all.
  • Tazer spike: Some faggy thing the US police forces use to immobilize targets.

Other shit

Zombies

Apparently now a carbon copy of Left 4 Dead as when you die you respawn as a zombie. The previous limit of four players has now been increased to eight.

Wonder Weapons

All that has been confirmed is there's a lightning gun called Tesla Gun. But since the Tesla Gun was the file name for the Wunderwaffle DG-2, it could just be that.


See also

Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 is part of a series on

Gaming

Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

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